Stress & Health

The other day I wrote a bit about hip openers, and how double pigeon was my favourite. Well, I've come a long way since then, and I've realized that double pigeon is probably the most intense hip opener there is, and it doesn't make much sense to do it in isolation, unless one really doesn't have time for anything else. Today, I held a standing, high, and low lunge on each side for 30 seconds per stretch. Then I put each of my legs up on the high sink one at a time and stretched again. Then I did the Bikram-style tree on either side. Only then did I do double pigeon; it was so much smoother! The whole routine took me under ten minutes, and my hips and lower back felt really great after.

Relieving tension in my hips is so important to me right now. Doing my own stretches as I feel inclined has become one of the most important parts of keeping myself well.

I am at a point where I can feel very good in my body if I do the right things:  that is, drink enough water, get enough sleep, stretch the right way, do yoga, do other physical activity, and - most importantly - breathe through any and all stressful moments and not allow myself for longer than a split second to tense up. I have realized at the age of 35 that tensing up in stressful moments and/or not taking necessary measures to stay calm is the absolute worst thing I can do for my health. I know this on a deep, intuitive level, and nothing - NOTHING - written in any medical text could ever convince me otherwise. This is why I think it is such bullshit when people cite smoking, alcohol, food, the environment, lifestyle, genetics, bad luck, etc. as the only major factors when illness occurs in the body. Don't get me wrong, these things are all significant. But what could matter more than when stress and fear instead of fulfillment and happiness overtake the body?

Nothing!

One more thing I have to say on this topic that is really important, and I feel that I am something of an authority on the subject because I am quite prone to stress and fear and methods of coping, is that the big New Age 3: yoga, meditation, and positive thinking, DO help ... But ultimately, there's something far more important: figuring out how you really feel, who you really are, and expressing that 100% no holds barred.

 I read a very important message from a man who's been teaching yoga for over 40 years: (Tony Crisp - google him, he's got some amazing stuff on his website): he says that these 3 activties can actually maek a person worse, because if there are real things in your life, from your past or that are happening right now, or what have you, that are causing you to experience negative emotion, and you use say, positive thinking, to help you feel better, what you could actually be doing is pushing a reaction that needs to be expressed into your subconscious, where it is liable to rot and poison you. This resonated as very, very significant to me, because recently I've been unearthing a lot of memories from my younger years that I've been feeling quite upset about. For many years, I've told myself to forgive and forget, to let the past go, and thoughts like that, and it does work. I'm not even saying that I don't want to think like that anymore, but I am concerned that this way of thinking does not actually heal the hurt. It goes on hurting beneath the surface. Similarly, you can feel glorious and relaxed for fleeting instances during meditation, and certainly relaxed and grand physically after a yoga class, but these are temporary states that don't necessarily lead a person directly to a satisfactory level of being. And then you look around and see your life is basically perfect, but you can't figure out why for the life of you, that deep happiness that you've caught in glimpses and glimmers, is totally out of reach, and a lack of satisfaction, of fulfillment, continues to prevail. The power of the subconscious!

I do believe that there are good and effective ways of bringing negative emotions, stored hurts, and painful memories, to the surface, and facing them properly and perhaps neutralizing them, and I think that yoga, meditation, and positive thinking can be wonderfully beneficial as part of that process. But I'm not sure about the right way to do that yet. Tony Crisp says these practices can be seen as suppressing our true inclinations, of controlling ourselves, and that this can have consequences in the form of paranoia, phobias, depression, etc. I had never looked at it that way before, but as I said, it does resonate with me. I certainly think there's something to be said for sitting in your room alone and doing your own little yoga/dance/meditation/stretching/crying/ laughing/taking a short nap when you want to routine!

Just some food for thought.

Flexibility

Mine comes and goes, especially my hamstrings. Did I say I had tight hips? I meant hamstrings!
I meant ... shoulders.
I meant ... spine. Can one even have a "tight" spine?
If there's anything on the body that can be tight, I've got that body part, and believe me, it's tight!

I took a visit to Science World this summer and there was this 'touch your toes' measure of flexibility thingy where you sit back against a little metal backrest, and then reach forward real quick and touch, to see how many centimetres forward you can reach. For my age category, it said my flexibility was a bit better than average, I think. In the world of yoga, that doesn't translate as all that impressive. I don't remember if my flexibility was at peak form on that day or not, but my hamstrings are very touch and go. Most times, if I take class first thing in the morning, I won't be able to touch my toes, at least not without a class worth of stretching. Looking around the room sometimes, I marvel at how open the young yoginis are. I feel you can really tell who has had a long history of bending their body, and it leaves me feeling rather regretful that I wasn't able to pursue something marvellous such as gymnastics or ballet as a child, some form of dance (or anything at all, really). Instead, I'm stuck with a body that really do much besides walk until the age of 24! Seriously. I realize that I'm better off than a lot of people, and I'm thankful towards myself and grateful for my natural physiology, but... One interesting thing is that one of our yoga teachers has told me repeatedly that I am very flexible naturally, but it would seem in areas of my body that aren't as obvious, such as my knees. What does it even mean to have knee flexibility? Great?!

Anyway, speaking of teachers, it really can hard when I've been practicing for such a long time, and feeling like if they see me on one of my off days, and I feel that well, they're going to think that I don't have a very impressive practice. And, if only they'd seen me practicing two nights ago! Then they would easily be able to see how hard I work in yoga! I know it sounds silly as heck, but someone's gotta say it. I don't buy into it when teachers go on and on about it not being a competition, and not to judge yourself, etc. I just find it annoying, and not helpful at all. I wish they would just acknowledge that sometimes it IS a freaking competition and it's not as easy as 1-2-3 to let that go in your mind. Besides, easy for people with a beautiful practice to say. I mean, I absolutely, 100% agree that one should go easy on oneself and be satisfied with one's best, no matter what that is, it's just that one can't very well be expected to say to oneself "Stop caring" and be done with it. Just as anyone loves a compliment, we also tend to take it personally when one of our goofs are observed. It's the basic psychology that drives the human race towards constant betterment. Without this psychological factor, we honestly wouldn't be able to make progress in our various endeavours.

Anyway, it doesn't happen all the time that I get bummed out if I'm having an off class. Some days I'm more tender and vulnerable. Others I actually don't give a shit. The whole world can see me sitting on my mat, or giving what appears to be bare minimum effort, but what is genuinely my very best at that moment.

Great Hip Opener

One thing that I must say about the Bikram yoga program is that although there are quite a few hip openers, it's simply not enough for my tight hips. Some people carry tension in their hips; I, on the other hand, positively wedge every single worry, fear, and stress I've ever had deep into my hip sockets! Postures like Tree & Wind-removing pose feel great, but they end too soon. In addition, I suppose I still haven't figured out precisely what adjustments I should be making or where I really need to hold back a bit, but the series itself, if I practice as often as I like to, (every other day) continues to aggravate my sacrum area & lower back on and off, and I feel this may either result in or be a result of toght hips.

I tend to forget completely about hip openers until I'm writhimg on the floor in pain (well, almost), which is to say I'll do a routine for a while and then just forget about it completely, probably because my body starts to feel good again so sunconsciously I feel like I don't need it anymore.

Anyway, In order for me to get the relief I seek, I have a couple of standby's that really make a difference and provide me enormous relief. I'll start with the most effective hip opener I've ever tried, and then go on from there:

Double Pigeon

This involves bending one leg in front of you at a 90 degree angle, so that your calf is straight & directly in front of your body., and then stacking the other leg on top of it. Hold for 30 seconds to 5 minutes, and then switch which leg is on top. If possible, bend forward and try to drap your upper torso over the legs.

Sometimes this is such a release and a relief for me that I almost cry or at the very least, bizarre moans & cries escape my lips. It's pretty powerful, and very effective. I'd somehow forgotten about this stretch for months, but recently started doing it again a few times a day, and it feels fantastic. My hips feels a lot more open and tension free. It has an effect on the emotional well-being also, which is really important.

Genuine Feelings

I pondered today what I'd written yesterday evening about alcohol-free living, and realized that I might not have properly emphasized my ultimate goal in all of this, which is to realize happiness from within! And also, to focus my energies on finding states / situations that provide me much higher levels of fulfillment and satisfaction than the rather false sense of those things that drugs and alcohol (and to some degree, food and other addictive substances & activities) can provide.

Anyway! I am trying to write daily on this blog.

So, I made the realization today that when you perceive that a person likes you, you'll forgive them for things you might not otherwise. What allowed me this thought was observing my current boss during a staff meeting this afternoon, and noting that she was actually quite similar in her approach to the job as a boss I'd had a few years back. The thing is, I like my current boss a lot, whereas my previous boss was the ultimate reason I quit that job. Primarily, I felt that I didn't like the way she handled her administrative role and that side of things within our workplace. Also, I always felt this undercurrent of mild disapproval when we interacted with each other, like she didn't like the way I did my work. Because I was not willing to change, this caused a bit of a clash between us. This type of employee/boss relationship might have been sustainable for someone else, but I don't deal well with criticism or visible disapproval of any kind. It's a real challenge for me, especially at work, of course, and I'm often worried in different situations that I'm going to "get into trouble." I seem to have this need to feel like I've done everything perfectly and that I am perfectly approved of, or at least that it seem that way. (Something I'm working on.)

Anyway, my current boss hasn't really been given the chance to see my downfalls on the job, (for instance, my tendencies towards being wildly disorganized!) as I'm quite new on this contract, and so far have been on my best behaviour. Not only that, I should say, but I am rather competent and likeable in general, and in what I do for work, thankfully. At work, I generally expect that people like me and approve of me, although naturally that isn't always the case, and I accept that. I just try to avoid those people when I can, which is hard to do when they're your boss! Generally I have always liked bosses that trust that you can do your job properly and just leave you alone. That being said, at the other school I work for, I am almost completely left alone, to the point where I feel unsupported; and actually, I have come to realize, I don't like that, either. A boss that can find a good balance in this regard is quite valuable indeed, I would say!

So, I am trying to sincerely figure out whether I genuinely like this girl or not - I think that I do, but I couldn't help but notice that her approach to the job is very similar to my previous boss's. I suppose is what got me thinking down this line. There's also the fact that she clearly likes me, and has been willing to do things to help me. Anyway, I guess I'd just like to take this chance to set my intention up to like her for being her, and not mainly because she approves of me or can help me out!

Lifestyle Adjusts

At this time in my life, I am choosing to abstain from drinking any alcohol. Alcohol makes me feel bad physically -- this is my most basic answer for why. If I have more than a couple of drinks, more than a couple of times a week, for an extended period of time, I am prone to more than just a hangover. I feel pain in my body. I get rashes. I get down in the dumps. I feel unwell.

This is not the first time I've taken a complete break, but this has been the longest, and as week after week goes by (not to mention weekend after weekend) I feel more and more like I might be making a permanent change to my way of living. I'm not saying that beer or wine or anything else will never touch my lips again.. But I believe that if and when I do go back, it will be from a different angle, a new perspective. I have made some important realizations about the role of alcohol in our society, and in the lives of those around me, and it's become clear to me that I have been ready for a major change in my lifestyle for a long time now.

I think that one's relationship to alcohol is a very personal thing, and would say more or less that alcohol is not a very big deal to many people. I wouldn't necessarily classify this according to how much or how often a person drinks, but more in terms of how attached they are to drinking. A person who might go weeks and weeks without a drink and barely notice would be someone like this, even if over another period of time during that same year, they actually drank quite a lot.
I have never really been this type of person. It has become easier and easier for me to drink less as I've gotten older, that is per night and also nights per week/month (thank God), but there were still many nights - this year, even! - where I went way overboard.

Healthwise, that is not great, and I think that we all know that, but that's not even what concerns me about my own relationship to alcohol, in retrospect. More insidious than amount or frequency is the realization that many times, during a stressful day at work, or boring week night at home, I would find myself really looking forward to some event coming up like a party, dinner, or get-together. In my mind I would sort of be saying, "It's all right, you'll get through this, and pretty soon you'll be out having a good time and all will be well again." That is normal enough, isn't it? I think that is the way a lot of us think. However, during the past few months I have not been drinking at all, and I find that I don't look forward to social events NEARLY as much. At first I thought that this was merely part of a period of adjustment that I was making, but truthfully, it hasn't gotten any better. And I've come to the point where I must be honest with myself and admit that the bulk of my social life and social connections consisted of people and events that aren't much worth looking forward to without alcohol. For me, this is terribly significant, and it's caused me to re-evaluate ALL of my relationships, and in fact the structure of my entire life, and what I believe makes me happy.

During this time, certain friends of mine have almost completely dropped off my radar. I don't even think of these people anymore. Other people like co-workers and acquaintances, and peoples' partners that I've never cared for - well, I wouldn't dream of spending time with anyone I don't like unless I absolutely had to. Afterwork invitations to a pub and dinners at expensive restaurants where I don't particularly care for the food? Not a chance. It sounds crazy, but I feel like it has only been over the past few months that I have really even been able to properly get in touch with what I like doing and who I like being around! How could I have not been clear on these important issues?!

The way I'm making it sound, one would think all I ever did was throw back drinks, but that honestly wasn't the case. It's just that drinking alcohol is so pleasurable for me (at least some of the time) that it has had me saying yes to all kinds of situations and activities that I wouldn't really find all that enticing, and also -- the way I got through situations that I didn't find particularly fulfilling or enjoyable was by placing my awareness in the future, at some up and coming fun time when I would be drinking, or relaxing at home by myself, which has always been the most pleasurable thing I can think of. But one can't spend all of their time in isolation.

Oh, man.

Anyway, the bottom line is, this experiment of mine is at the very least opening up doors for different kinds of activities, such as qigong, meditations & spiritual groups, and open water winter swimming, as well as new friendships, and new friendship dynamics. I've got to admit, I still don't find life as fun and pleasurable without the aid of alcohol, but I see that as everything BUT a reason to get back off the wagon. I see this as a chance to get to know myself better, to see who and what really makes me tick, and to find that pleasure and enjoyment within myself. I think some people go a lifetime without ever fully engaging themselves. That's not what I want for my life.

List Tips

Random Bikram Yoga Tips:

1. Try to focus and stand still between postures. Sometimes I catch a glimpse or feel the energy of a person near me and they seem like someone waiting at a bus stop or in line at Starbucks in between postures. Do try to stand still and breathe evenly during the rest period! It makes a difference.

2.  Try your best. There is a fine line between pushing yourself too far and selling yourself short. I have been walking that line for a while now, and I know mine pretty well. I think that a lot of people, even those who have been coming for years, have no concept of what they are actually capable of. You can always do more than you think you can do.

3. Don't kick out on a bent knee during Standing Head to Knee. One line of dialogue that bugs me is "As a beginner..." Um, define beginner. Some people will never be able to kick out, at least not every class, at least without personal coaching. I see so many people kicking out on a bent knee despite the fact that you are told repeatedly not to. Something needs to be done about this.

4. Know that each and every time you do things "your way" and not as you're instructed, you are risking real and lasting injury. It is never worth it. 

5. You cannot wrench yourself into posture further than your current level of flexibility will allow, without serious consequences that would at best negate the positive effects of maintaining the practice in the first place, or worse, a ghastly injury. Balance!

6. Don't wipe your sweat. What on earth would you do that for? What an interference to your practice. This just seems absurd to me now.

7. Don't give your yoga clothes a quick rinse (as opposed to a proper wash) in the shower and then just wear them again the next class. This omits a bad odor into the room and it's unpleasant.

8. Try (if your schedule allows, which mine often hasn't) to get there early and relax before the class starts. Go in slow, not rushed. A yoga teacher from a different school advised me that doing pranayama breathing before postures is considered a bad idea because whatever state you're in at the time you do pranayama breathing, it will become magnified. By the reasoning of this school of yoga, at least 7 postures should be performed before any breathing exercise. I can see some truth to this. It's food for thought, anyway.

9. Just because you did yoga doesn't mean you can pig out, especially if weightloss is a goal. In fact, if weightloss is your primary goal, I would not increase caloric intake on your practice days AT ALL.

10. A teacher once told me that as you progress in your practice, which teacher is leading the class will matter less and less. I have mixed feelings on this. I really do think that some teachers are so bad or difficult to be near, there is the possibility that unless you are capable of advanced states of focus, they can truly rob you of your peace. There are teachers whose classes I just won't take, even if that's the only class I can fit into my schedule that day. That's just how I feel at this time in my life. Anyway, the bottom line is that classes are expensive and you should enjoy yourself, so don't try to convince yourself you like someone you just don't jive with. Know that great teachers are out there, probably at your studio, and for some people, they make all the difference in the world.

Peace~

Teaching. Learning. Life.

Well, it's been a little while, but I'm still holding my own over at my local Bikram yoga studio (actually, not my local studio! I drive half an hour to go to my favourite one, my home studio near my mom and dad's house, and more on that in a later blog) and my practice has grown more magnificent, stronger than ever before. I'm very pleased about this, not to mention proud of myself, and ever-enamoured of the power and simplicity of this extraordinary sequence of postures done in the heated room.

But in terms of talking about the yoga, here at this blog, specifically, I think what I've really got to do if I'm ever going to be successful is just stop censoring myself in terms of what I say/critique, stop being concerned about who I might offend, and let open the flood gates! Hatha yoga, the practice itself, is a dialogue between the physical body and God, one might say, if one were spiritually or religiously inclined, though one needn't be to practice, of course. I once heard a yoga teacher say it was a 'dance for God', which I found very touching. So, there is a sense in which one may not speak of it at all. There are many aspects of my spiritual development, and my growth as a human being, that are simply impossible to put into words, and I accept the necessity of that condition of our humanity. However, we are creatures blessed with a voice, and a major part of our experience here on planet Earth is verbally reviewing and recording what happens, through conversation, reflection, the written word, etc. So, I must be honest now. I am 35 years old, and I am allowed to say how I really feel without fear of punishment. For goodness' sake!  

I'd like to start by saying that throughout my exploration of what is true in this world, what is worth knowing, I have long had a distrust of teachers. Why? Well, it all began in elementary school, where I observed the squelching of children's natural talents and inclinations, alongside the enforcement of some very silly rules and methods of doing things, and felt from a very young age that there was just this element of foolishness that went against the natural order of things. I also thought long and hard about why I disliked each teacher at my school - and unfortunately, I disliked all of them - and it was a long journey admitting in my heart that it wasn't just a cliche to 'hate your teacher', that my concerns - as a child and now as an adult - were legitimate, and that there were actually reasons why these people were not cut out for the job. Let me explore this for a moment.

Most importantly, the major problem is that there are teachers and people in charge in this world that are mean-spirited. Cruel. Sadistic. Teachers that take obvious joy in embarrassing and shaming children for any reason they happen to fancy at the moment, teachers that belittle students and deliberately make them feel that they were worthless, or beyond hope, and teachers that regularly and easily lose their temper, scream and yell, and even throw things across the room. Not to be dramatic, but at my elementary school back in the 80s, this was just the tip of the iceberg, and I'm sure many can relate - well, this is what millions of adults witnessed on a daily basis throughout our elementary school years, and now we have a billion dollar industry trying to figure out why we struggle so much. How could we turn a blind eye to the practice of allowing mean-spirited people to teach at elementary schools? This is simply baffling to me, and who can argue that this has absolutely been the case, possibly at most elementary schools throughout history, even? It is no wonder to me that the most recent generations of parents have become so 'problematic' for teachers. I understand that sometimes parents (with all of their faults and poor parenting skills) cannot accept that their children have ever done anything wrong, and may be overly inclined to blame the teacher or the school. I also know from firsthand experience that some kids just exhibit difficult behaviour (that is to put it nicely) for no discernible reason, or at least no reason that can be helped, such as divorce, or a move, etc. But it is plain to see that people who have been adults for a long time do not forget the shitty aspects of our schooldays, and when I think of someone talking to my little niece the way I was spoken to, I feel something protective inside of me being triggered that has the potential to rip this universe another black hole. Even my grandparents remembered vividly going through even worse (much worse, actually), and I don't doubt that part of the reason many in this world are disinclined towards higher education is because of horrible teachers.

What a crime. Seriously. If you teach children in any capacity, please take a moment to respect the enormity of your responsibility. Accept the reality that being unfair even ONE time, for one decision, has the potential to etch itself in the heart and memory of a precious child until their last day on this planet. You have that kind of power. Use it as you will.

Next were teachers, as well as administrative staff, who were not necessarily mean-spirited, but definitely didn't like children, or may have at one time, but were burned out. (I can sympathize with the spirit-crushing condition of burnout, and realize as an adult that workers in myriad fields have to suffer through this phenomenon with no viable recourse available to them, but that's another topic.) Intermingled among the meanies and the haters, there were the teachers who were just not very smart. I recall on many an occasion, sitting there in my desk, a B/C student, easily able to recognize the gaps in their knowledge - and feeling slighted for it! Finally, the least offensive of all, but still not the key ingredient in fond memories, were the teachers were who I just didn't like for personal reasons: the dull, the abrasive, the obtuse. Good riddance to you all! I thought. But now, over 20 years on, I appreciate the impact that these people have had on who I am and how I view the world, and most importantly, just how valuable a good teacher really is. Which is the topic of this blog.

I should say for anyone that may be pitying me now, that despite the shenanigans of this group of wayward adults, who essentially raised me from the ages of 4-12, I still had a good time, and I would say overall that my experience at elementary school was quite positive. It just took a long period of recovery to realize that learning could actually be worthwhile, given the right material, presented in the right way, by the right teacher. (For this reason, I give the lot of them a gigantic F! Or at best a C-) Anyway, I got glimpses of what learning COULD be during high school, but to be honest,  the situation there wasn't much better. The major problem for me with high school was the material being taught, the method of teaching (sanctioned by the government, the universities that trained these individuals, the institution of education itself, and whatever other powers that be). And, as is the case in many average Catholic schools, most of the teachers at my high school were just ok. I have always been an enthusiastic person, bright, and very curious, yet I spent the vast majority of time in those desks utterly uninspired. Bored. Distracted. Annoyed. Very few of my teachers recognized my potential for what it really was, and I was told repeatedly that it was ME, that my attitude and performance were strictly a result of me being a bad student, or even a dumb person. I truly believed that for many years. In fact, it became a key component of my identity.

Holy crap. What a lie!

So, for quite a long time, and even up until now, most of my learning has come from books, and from life experience itself. I have been practicing yoga and exploring philosophy (my university major, and don't even get me started on what a bore that was, even though I chose that subject specifically as it was literally the only thing that really piqued my interest) for many years now, but I am still unable to adequately manage my stress, and achieve the level of success I know that I am capable of. This is not for lack of trying. Something is missing, and I truly believe that a lack of guidance is a factor.

Thus, my desire for a real, living teacher has reached a zenith as of late. I'm tired of reading books. Books are a modern invention. Teachers, leaders, elders ... they're as old as humanity itself. Do you have any idea how many books I've read in my life? I know so much on certain topics that I can't even find anyone on my same level of knowledge to have a conversation with. I have to put an ad on craigslist and join Meet-up, and still I can't find anybody! In fact, my brain is so full of facts that I have had to put a halt on learning from books, and instead have imposed a rule of mandatory, daily TV, which I never did in the past. That's right: I am doing the opposite of trying to cut back on TV.
I don't think this is the only way to relax my mind and enjoy myself when I'm alone, but this is something that has been working very well for me for about three weeks, so I have no plan of stopping anytime soon.

Anyway, how does all of this relate to yoga? Well, the truth of the matter is, I love what yoga has done for my health and for my mind, but I am still stressed out and my back has not yet healed completely. I want a real, live teacher. I feel there's more, much more to all of this, and I can only grasp it in glimpses and glimmers. Some say that what I am looking for can only be derived through meditation; however, I am not satisfied with what I have been able to glean so far on the proper way to meditate. So I'll say it again: I want a teacher. A teacher I can trust.

Also, I am tired of being annoyed so frequently; I try to be open, accepting, respectful, give people the benefit of the doubt, etc, but I am reaching my limit for the fools spouting nonsense I encounter in the modern, western world of yoga. That is actually what brought me to Bikram yoga in the first place: I actually DO trust Bikram's system, and I am indebted to him for establishing his yoga franchise, which has ensured that the timed sequence of his series in the hot room has not been altered to its complete detriment. Around the world, thousands of people are increasing their vitality through this practice, and I am among them. I deeply appreciate the no-nonsense factor, and how could there be a shred of doubt in my mind that this practice (when carried out PROPERLY) promotes health and vitality, when I have over a thousand classes under my belt to solidify my stance on this issue? I certainly don't need a double-blind, peer reviewed study to tell me that this stuff works! (For the record, I don't give the tiniest shit about almost anything that science reports on health: virtually everything that modern science tells us through their "studies" regarding healthy living could have been easily confirmed by people living thousands of years ago, or uneducated villagers the world over, if you don't have a time machine. For me, modern science is an excellent example of bad teaching, and I am prepared to back that up logically.)

To get back on topic: after 7 and a half years of careful observation, it is my opinion that even this precious system of Bikram Yoga © is indeed being tainted by fools. Not only that, but from the stories I've heard, Bikram himself seems to be suffering from a kind of mental disorder, a sort of 'east meets west' syndrome. With these factors present, the system is perpetuated, and new teachers are trained sufficiently, but a sickness pervades it all, and I find it disturbing. It needs to be shaken up in a big way, because this is clearly not the same man or the same practice as it was when it was first put into motion. Thankfully, there are many fine studio owners, teachers, and practitioners keeping its vital essence alive, but there's a lot wrong here, and a new aim of this blog is to call attention to it. Because it's wrong, and the people of this Earth in 2013 need some serious guidance. I am a teacher, too, (not a yoga teacher by training, mind you) and I'm not perfect, but I am a critical thinker and I have a lot of experience. I'm just going to do my part here. Take what you can.

Meanwhile, I am also ready for my teacher, a real person to guide me through physical, spiritual practice and development, in order to sustain a healthy body and mind, well into old age. I don't know if I can find this in the world of yoga, as it is available to me, and I know I can't find it through books, or personal practice alone. I am currently exploring the world of Chinese medicine, as well as religious and spiritual practice that is Western in origin, and I would like to incorporate some of these learnings into the blog as well.

Join me, why don't you!

Day 5 of my Return!

Oh why, oh WHY can't I maintain a regular, yearly, yoga practice??! I push myself until I'm on the verge of collapse, and then I'm MIA for months at a time. Here's to hoping that changes upon getting a fantastic deal at my home studio for a three month unlimited pass. Yay!

Well, it's my 5th class of the season ... technically speaking, since my last Bikram's class prior to the past two weeks occurred on about June 25th, the week after my 50 day challenge, which I successfully completed! I missed three classes in total - one due to not realizing that a class had been cancelled due to some holiday back in May, argh! - which resulted in three doubles crammed into the final week of my challenge. That was pretty tough, if my memory serves me correctly, as one would expect. However, I ended the challenge with a bang, feeling good, strong, energized, flexible, and minus a lot of the back pain I'd experienced throughout the past year, (which I've chronicled in this blog). That was my goal. The last time I'd attempted a challenge (a 60 day challenge), I quit at about Day 40, feeling very low energy and lethargic. I knew not to let any dips or ebbs get me down this time, and I stayed ultra hydrated, rested, and listened to my body about when to take it easy. Towards the end, though, I was going very strong. That being said, I wasn't to be seen again for another two whole months!

As anticipated, I had a very busy summer, working six days a week. A lot of that was spent working as a tour guide, so I was on my feet tons. My program also included a considerable degree of physical activity as we were outdoors most afternoons and all day Saturday. During this time I was biking about 40 minutes to an hour per day, total, and doing a bit of exercise in my living room in the evenings, such as jumping rope, pilates abs exercises (though clearly not enough as my abs are feeling mighty weak these days), and a bit of mild stretching. That was my summer exercise routine in a nutshell. Although my diet included lots of my usual stuff, like oatmeal, nuts, veggies and fruit and a good base, I was snacking a lot and eating stuff like ice cream, cookies, and candy bars. Hot dogs and hamburgers. A consequence of being so busy, and also the monotony of leading groups on trips - it got pretty damn boring, and I frequently felt the need for an edible pick-me-up. By the way, I'm well aware this issue is quite common, and can be nipped in the bud through planning, but unfortunately I found myself hungry and foodless with nothing but convenience stores and fast food joints in the vicinity on several (dozen) occasions! The program required a lot more calories than I'd properly anticipated when packing my regular lunches.

Anyway, summer food, lack of yoga, fatigue, etc. took its toll, and I felt due for a maintenance class far sooner than I actually got my butt to the studio. But here I am, five classes in, feeling better than I have in a very long time!

For this first post, I do want to mention that I am still experiencing lower back issues, though not as intense as the discomfort, pain, & reduced flexibility I had last winter. Still, I have had a reduction in movement that I wanted to address. Yesterday, instead of attending class, I did my own yoga routine, which included postures not featured in Bikram's 26 posture series. Included in my own series was this quick routine that I've been doing on and off for a year or so now:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-PYY_f1is4

All I have to say is, WOWSA! Today's Bikram class (as opposed to the last couple of weeks, prior to doing these types of stretches) was smooth as silk. I felt a big difference.

I got some wonderful advice from Jerome two days ago: set your intention. I've heard and read those words countless times, but what do they really mean? Stop being vague. To me, now, I believe that what one wants can usually be summarized in a sentence, and it's important to speak that sentence out loud and see what happens. I really feel I'm back on the yoga train for the long haul. No challenges (I may never do another challenge), no weeks without practice, no pushing, no avoiding. Listening. Knowing. Realizing. Admitting. Saying OK. I did not heal my back during my challenge, but whatever I did helped. I never said, "I want to heal my back completely." I thought more along the lines of, "I hope this helps. I'm going to do this 50 day challenge and hopefully I start to feel better soon, and hopefully I don't make my back even worse. Then I walked around in flip flops all summer. Well, this time around, I do have a clear intention, and that is to heal my back completely. I don't have any problem with my elbows, do I? No. I don't have a problem with my neck. Some people do have problems with their elbows and their necks and their knees and their ankles, and I don't, and I am grateful. However, I have a problem with my lower back, and my intention is to eradicate that problem. I want my lower back to be like my elbows. I want a pain free spine and a proper (as nature intended it) range of motion for movement and flexibility.

I want a healthy spine, and I will stop at nothing to achieve this goal. There, I've said it! I intend it.

As I've said many times, I love the Bikram series and I would hate to see it altered in ANY way. That's very important, that that never happens. But as an individual, one can clearly see that there are dozens of other postures that exist within the realm of hatha yoga, and some that are not included in Bikram's series might be very well suited to a particular injury. No matter what any teacher, chiropractor, doctor, or fellow back pain sufferer advises me, I see immediately what is helpful and what isn't, in MY body. Someone else could be suffering the exact same symptoms and find something else helpful; I don't know. But if you, like me, suffer the lower back issues and do not find that Bikram yoga is relieving your symptoms to the degree that satisfies you, OR - like me - a daily practice seems as though it is actually aggravating your condition, here are some suggestions:

1. try the video I linked to
2. focus on core strength exercises outside of class, such as pilates
3. keep your stomach sucked in throughout the whole Bikram series. Yes, that means 90 minutes of sucking your stomach in. If that seems too challenging for you, and you have lower back issues, then you absolutely need to work on your core, because that means your core is WEAK. Core strength is imperative when it comes to back health, and if your health care practitioner didn't already tell you that, he or she is a fool.
4. take it easy on ANY forward bend. who cares if you used to be more flexible. Just because your body can't bend to the degree of flexibility it used to, (while all you're thinking is "yoga is supposed to make me more flexible, not less! Yes, I know, but that's life) does not mean you can WRENCH it that way without consequences. this is the stupid, stupid way of thinking i used to be slave to, and yes I want the teacher's verbal praise but you can't always get it- this wrenching I did is probably a factor in my back pain.
5. any advice that the bikram yoga teachers give you should be taken with a liberal sprinkling of salt. I do not know what they learn in that 9 weeks of teacher training, but most of them don't know a lick about the body more than delivering that dialogue. i have been practicing for 7 years, and I have asked many different teachers many different questions. you wouldn't believe the divergent - as well as bad - advice I've been given. It's actually hilarious. (And yes, I've received really good advice as well, and talked to some fantastic, knowledgeable people that I have grown to truly respect and admire.) But is it really a surprise?! Look at the contention between chiropractors and doctors, and experts and specialists of all kinds! Your average 26 year old yoga instructor might know which foods and lifestyle factors keep her slim and trim and chipper, but she knows JACK about your body. Only you do.
6. you can heal your back. I don't know how. But it can be done.

Other kinds of Exercise

Earlier I'd posted about having a belly full of fried shrimp and noodles, and not feeling like going to class. Well, I made it, and it was a good one. I feel much better. Unfortunately it is already time for bed, and only NOW do I feel that good energy running through me.

One trick I've learned for motivating myself, especially if I'm holed up in my bed with my laptop directly in front of me, unable and unwilling to move an inch, except for my fingers tapping away on the keyboard and my eyeballs to the upper right hand corner of the screen to check how much longer until I am ripped from my zone of comfort (forget yoga, this is MY pose!), is a few minutes of cardiovascular exercise. This is also good for when you feel depressed, or sad, or bored, or angry. Just a few minutes - no huge commitment. I recently bought a skipping rope for this purpose; you could also do a few jumping jacks interspersed with push-ups, a couple lunges, jogging on the spot, star jumps, some pilates abs, etc. I tend to stay away from burpees and mountain climbers, as they are made of rotten celery, and should be banned from exercise regimes worldwide. Ugh. But I would mention here that before I had a skipping rope I would sort of skip on the spot as though I had one, ever since one of my crazy will-of-steel students gave me the idea when she told me that she lost a bunch of weight through skipping for something like four hours a day, on the instruction of her professors at the fitness college she attended. Please don't think this is a normal thing to do - this happened in Korea. Actually she permanently injured her feet doing this and developed a severe case of edema - I've seen the black, blue and bloody pictures to prove it and it honestly looks as though she might have had to get her feet amputated (she didn't). Disturbing, yes, (very - especially considering her instructors AND PARENTS encouraged her to continue skipping even after her feet had begun their descent into puffy, bloody bundles of pus, which is one of the reasons they got so bad, the other reason being that, hello, she was skipping for 4 hours a day. She only stopped after she was literally unable to walk and in the freaking hospital) but anyway she remained adamant that jumping rope was the best cardiovascular exercise known to human. So, like I said, I'd been sort of pretending to jump rope without anything in my hands for the better part of a year during my exercise routines, until I broke down and bought a jump rope.

Well holy crap, it's not easy, is it?! Yeah, just slightly harder with the actual rope. Try it. It's not just for kids. (Although if you have a kid, this is also of course a great purchase. Do kids still jump rope? I hope so. The kids at the elementary school I worked at two years ago were reasonably non-adverse to exercise, which was a relief to me.)

Anyway, yes, I began to feel better immediately after I did a bit of cardio, and that also got my stomach rumbling a bit and moving that heavy food through my system.

Now, I should also state that there has been an elephant in the blog, because I have failed to expand upon the fact that the weekend of my cousin's wedding, I missed not one, not two, but THREE classes on my challenge! What is funny is that on the actual day of her wedding, the day I had thought it would be impossible to attend, I made it to class. Friday was insanely busy with the rehearsal and dinner, Sunday was a complete write-off, and then on Monday I didn't realize that because it was a holiday, several of the evening classes were cancelled. (I even made my way to the studio only to be turned around and told to go back home.) So, although this is Day 35 of my 50 Day Challenge, I really have only been to 32 classes, and since the break over that weekend, seven contiguous classes, including today's.

Although having to do three doubles at some point over the next two weeks is going to suck ass (yes, by the way, I am on the home stretch of this challenge with just two measly weeks left!) - I must say that the little break I took there absolutely recharged me. The slate was wiped clean and I like it. Maybe missing only one class would have done the trick, but it happened the way it happened and all I can do now is ensure that I complete the 50 classes by the last day of my Challenge. Heaven forbid - I repeat Heaven. Forbid - I don't complete this challenge after coming this far and spending four years brooding about the fact that I failed to complete my 60 Day Challenge back in 2008. Oh wait, that's practically five years. Yes, well, come hell or high water I will finish this Challenge intact.

I have certainly had my ups and downs over the past month or so, and I do not push to my edge and kill myself every single class, but overall it's been great. I'd say I've had about seven really tough classes in total, where I was pretty useless, red-faced, and limited in what I could do, and the rest have been reasonably strong for the amount that I am going. By no means am I feeling like my body has been overworked or overstretched, or in a weakened condition. I did feel that for a while there when I probably wasn't eating or sleeping enough, but now I am, and I feel like the proverbial Bengal Tiger. My flexibility has improved, my will is strong, I tell my wandering mind what to think and when not to think, and sometimes it even follows my instructions, I have a fair amount of energy, and my overall level of pain in different areas of my body has decreased. I was worried that at this point I'd be in a fragile state. I have still managed to keep off that 5.5 pounds, (which was gained weight - this was not a new loss), but I stress that it is mostly through adjusting my diet and being much more careful about what I'm eating than one might imagine getting 90 minutes plus of exercise daily, but like I've said in the past, my body doesn't seem to consider Bikram Yoga a calorie burning activity. So fucking annoying. And as an addendum to that, with work and my social life, downtime, and of course the two hour commitment to yoga every day, I haven't really done much else in the way of exercise beyond daily commute walking or biking, and little five, ten or twenty minute routines here and there. Not nothing, but not nearly as much as usual. I have this free-weight arms workout that I do every few days because I am concerned about my arms getting more toned. (Same with my abs, but I've been neglecting that as of late.)

I miss other styles of yoga and pilates especially, and the main reason (not the only reason) I'll be happy once this challenge is over is that I'll have the time to start incorporating other forms of exercise into my days, especially at this time of year. I love being outside and moving my body. When I don't feel like doing the typical outdoors activities I will absolutely plop myself down in the middle of a crowded, grassy area and do a full pilates routine, which people find quite weird. (That's actually my favourite, and yes I get lots of looks, and no I don't appear to be any kind of advanced pilates practitioner! I don't give a shit.) I also love to swim and jog at the beach. We really only get two or three months worth of great weather in this city and I will take full advantage of that, alongside a Bikram Yoga practice of about three times a week. I wouldn't want to dip below that after all the progress I've made, but we shall see how it goes.

Namsies. (I have no idea what that means.)

This is What Happens when you Delay Class.

You stuff yourself with chow mein and coconut fried shrimp for dinner and then you lay in bed in a fear coma, reading the WTF section of BuzzFeed, plagued with the legitimate worry that you won't have enough energy or space in your belly to handle class at 8:15 pm, five hours after the class you'd originally planned on going to.
Oh WOE IS ME. Never delay class. Never! No reason is good enough. Just go and then bask in the glory of having gone, having gotten it over with!
Like they say in Standing Head to Knee, don't even think about it, just DO IT. That's exactly like class. Just go. If you start to analyze and fantasize about what 90 minutes in the heat with a stomach full of Chinese food could possibly entail, well ... that's called There Goes my Motivation.

I have told myself not to do this on numerous occasions. At least I am on a challenge so I have to go. If I wasn't I'd be in even worse agony, debating with myself whether to go or not. I know I'll go. I just really don't want to anymore.

Here's an Idea: Don't eat Denny's before Class!

Yesterday for breakfast instead of my usual fruit and/or oatmeal and/or green smoothie I flipped my health the bird and consumed two and a half pieces of buttered toast with pb and jam, one gigantic pancake positively drenched in butter and syrup (and not actual maple syrup, not even close, we're talking high fructose corn syrup delight here), two slices of cardboard turkey bacon which I will never eat again as long as I shall live, and two fried eggs. And coffee.

Um. Whoa. What.

I devoured this monstrosity at about 9:59 am and had planned on attending a 12:15 Bikram yoga class. What was I thinking? Not even close. I hate to be one of these health nuts that acts like any food that is not in its organic, vegan, raw, state might as well be mainly composed of arsenic, but this breakfast really had a negative effect on me. I already knew I was in trouble on the drive home. After having had a full night's sleep and luxurious Saturday morning sleep in, I had to go right back to bed at around 11:30. I literally could not keep my eyes open for long enough to read more than a sentence or two of my book at a time, and drifted in and out of a fitful sleep for about two hours. I barely, barely recovered in time to trudge down to the studio for 2:15 pm class, which was the latest class I could attend as I had plenty of other things to do yesterday, such as move house (!), that I could not attend to as I lay in a Denny's Breakfast Coma wondering how the hell I was going to get through class and then go to a kid's birthday party and then go out for a night on the town and try to find someone to marry me.

My class was not easy. I was very low energy, especially at first, and I had approximately three minor panic attacks during Pranayama Breathing. The high-expectation, eagle-eyed teacher lay off me, thank Godliness, even though I had gone and placed myself right at the mirror to the left of the stage in an effort to motivate myself. I regretted this decision during the first few postures, in a big, big way.

But then, awesomely, something truly funny occurred that caused in me the rumblings of deep, belly laughter one normally does not associate with yoga. Unless it's Laughter Yoga, of course. Anyway, I hadn't laughed as hard as that in a long time, and certainly not during class: our teacher repeatedly did various imitations of the worst type of practitioner kicking out in a wildly unstable way (on a bent knee, of course) during Standing Head to Knee, in order to show us what not to do. I can't really explain why, but it was some of the funniest shit I had ever seen. He made me laugh a few more times during class, which was so refreshing, and gave me the energy I needed for a great floor series despite my comatose beginnings.

In light of this little anecdote about the hilarious, verbose, risk-taking Patrick Chui, I wanted to mention that I am reading Hellbent (click to read reviews on Amazon). As you can see, this book, which was written by a pretty dedicated (yet not without concerns & doubts regarding the practice and the "cult of bikram" in general) Bikram yogi who went to BY teacher training, got some pretty great reader reviews. I haven't finished yet, but I have mixed feelings myself. I will save my commentary for after I am done. The book is really informative and I've been reading it slowly, usually when I don't feel like going to class, because as honest and skeptical a look at the whole circus sideshow that the world of Bikram Yoga that this writer's perspective really IS, it is nonetheless a great motivator. I hear people criticizing this style of yoga almost every day, and I am not without worries myself, so although in many ways the practice does speak for itself and that is all that really matters to me, my interest was piqued when I saw this book.

Anyway, one of the key concepts that the writer hones in on is that Bikram Yoga teacher training does not necessarily aim to churn out good teachers. Well! I feel like this is something I already knew, but to have it spelled out like that, I didn't know whether to be furious or approving. The training program is basically just there to ensure that new teachers memorize the dialogue, and from Bikram's perspective, there is a sense in which that is all that really matters. I do get that. People also say that the longer you practice, the less it matters who is teaching the class.

Personally, I think the quality of Bikram Yoga teachers varies a lot, and for me, it can make a huge difference on those days when I am struggling. Sometimes it absolutely does not, and that is where I see my development as a practitioner and the beauty of the dialogue. There are teachers that just spew out the dialogue without any additions or personal corrections - nothing but straight-up dialogue delivered in an even tone. I had a class like this a few days ago and it was really rather refreshing. (It actually made me think about how a lot of the nonsense teachers babble during class can be annoying and I worry that their shitty opinions are going to tattoo themselves onto my subconscious, because I am so open to receiving their words during my practice.)

But for me, I'm already hooked. The main reason why a "good" teacher is more desirable than a crappy one or a really standard kind of teacher that doesn't stray from the dialogue is that with all the distractions life has to offer and the considerable commitment that maintaining a regular practice requires, studios really need those knockout teachers to provide motivation. Think about how many students drop out and start doing different styles of yoga, or stop doing yoga altogether. This happens by the hundreds! Let's face it, Bikram Yoga is more challenging, it's hotter, it's more intimidating, it's longer, it's more expensive, and the fact that it proclaims itself to take place in a "torture chamber" isn't exactly the selling point that true devotees might imagine it to be! Keeping ordinary students coming is a challenge for any studio, I would imagine. Meanwhile, a single memorable class with a clever, loving teacher could turn a new student into a lifer.

Anyway, I have often lamented the fact that there are so many great intermediate level students that practice regularly that would make excellent teachers, but the majority of these people will never teach. In order for a person to have the desire to be a teacher, the nine weeks available at the specific times of year that the training is offered, and the money to go to training, for all of that to line up, well, that's obviously quite rare and a very special thing. My concern is that spoiled and whimsical young adults who have that kind of free block of time and free access to the bank of mom and dad are somewhat over-represented, and this demographic often (but not always) don't turn out to be the most knowledgeable or motivating. At least not for me.

This being said, I do still believe that we are truly saved by the dialogue and the sequence, and I am eternally grateful that it is copyrighted.

Challenge Ups & Downs

On Day 32 (truly 29) of my 50 day challenge, and it has brought great joys. I pushed myself harder. than. ever. ever. before today and I have a mandatory bath with epsom salts in my very near future!

I have been a lazybones in Half Moon. It's official. I am not sure why. I have it buried deep in my subconscious that Pranayama Breathing, Half Moon with Hands to Feet, and Awkward (the first breathing exercise - actually a posture in my opinion! - and the first two postures) are the hardest part of the class and if I push myself too hard, I could use up all my energy and not go strong for the  rest of the class. In fact we are reassured that the opposite is true. In any case, today I really went for it in Half Moon and it was quite scary, but I felt a bit sheepish afterwards because I realized how much deeper I can stretch my spine to the sides than I usually do.

With my lower back injury or issue or whatever the hell is up with my back I have been strictly pushing myself further than I want to in all of the backbends. God, I used to be lazy. Locked in my comfort zone. Not anymore. (By the way, please don't ever lie to yourself into believing the oft stated untruth that you can't make progress or do as well as you could before because of your age. If you took the 20 year old me and compared it to the 34 year old me, man oh man. You'd know that you really can turn back the clock. You can build a whole new you. I understand that I'm relatively young still. But all the same, I hear people my age and younger complaining about the ill effects of age and time on their bodies on a daily basis. I'm living proof it doesn't have to be that way!)

Anyway back to backbending, I especially love it when I am face to face with the floor during the first backbend and I hear at least three cracks. That happened today and I thought I was gonna die. In a good way. Sometimes, especially in the morning, my spine is like: UH ... NO. Sometimes I look back and that is all I can do: my spine stays stationary. I used to get mad at myself when that happened, as though I'd failed. Now I feel like a scientist doing a study on my own body. It is a fantastic thing to get to know your body as well as you can being a yogi. Before it was like living in a house where you never turned the lights on.

Hands to Feet had been borderline impossible earlier this challenge due to my back pain, especially on the right side. Sciatica, some have said it is. Seriously, after doing yoga for 10 years I found myself unable to touch my toes. Disappointing to say the least, extremely painful at its worst. Anyway, I am really happy to say that I am almost back to normal flexibility after about a month and a half of concentrated effort. One stretch that I have found to be particularly helpful is called "stacking the logs" (google it, obviously) - my cousin, who is a dancer and had also suffered with lower back pain, was recommended this stretch for at least 60 seconds on several each side, times a day. She told me she was very consistent and it made a difference. I do it at least once a day (usually post-final savasana, in the hot room) and like I said, I do have much less pain in my body than I did, say, last January, but that could be due to a number of factors. I do stretch in the evenings as well, a lot of hip openers like pigeon pose and the type of stretching for the splits and to ease pressure on the lower back. But I must say, when I didn't do my "stack the logs" for a few days there and then I attempted to do the stretch one day when my body was totally cold, my lower back started twitching and I couldn't believe how tight I was, and what a relief it was to stretch that way. So yes, it's a good one. Stretching is just so vital to a good feeling in the body, isn't it?

There is a girl at my school in a wheelchair, and I was looking at her one day and thinking about all the stretches I would do if I ever had to be in a wheelchair. I got pretty deep into this fantasy. I don't anticipate that being the case for me, of course! Heaven forbid. But goes to show how "into" stretching I am!

My most challenging pose when it comes right down to it continues to be Standing Head to knee, or in my case, Standing. Problem number one, of course, is that I cannot fully kick either of my legs out, let alone get my head to my knee, and it's not due to not being able to lock my knee. I can lock my knee for the full sixty seconds. I just can't stretch my leg out. Also, for the past seven years I have been duckfeeting it, (and I know that I do it, it's just that I feel wildly out of alignment when I don't tilt my standing leg's foot out to the side) and I was finally properly called out on this, by one of the teachers whose class I take regularly, and who is a medical doctor. She told me to talk to her after class, and explained to me that I have a lot of flexibility in my knee (I didn't even know that one's knee could be flexible or inflexible) and have not developed the necessary muscles in my inner thigh and buttocks, that my flexible knee is taking all the weight of the posture, and feeling the need to spread my feet was actually compensation. She went on to say that 'lock the knee' actually means lock the inner and outer thigh, the buttock, and the hip - it's all got to lock solid. Well, I didn't know that, did I? She said it could take another 20 or 25 classes, but that I had to re-align in that posture and build up strength in other areas. And, of course, be sure that my standing foot is pointing straight towards the mirror. Then I can start thinking about kicking out. Seven years, people, and this is where I am. My friend Genieve could lock her knee and kick out straight on her very first Bikram yoga class, which was also her very first yoga class. I couldn't believe it. Mind you, I've seen some people there for years and they're still kicking out on a bent knee, which is probably the worst thing you could do (and I never did that, thankfully). Don't do that! Be patient. I'm glad I know exactly what I have to do now. If you're not where you want to be in a posture, there is nothing you can do to force that. You just have to keep trucking, day by day, and do the posture the right way. I can tell you that a tiny bit of progress is actually very significant. If there's one thing I can say after having gained the amount of experience that I now have with this yoga practice, it's that there really are no shortcuts. Doing the posture the wrong way in order to go deeper (or appear to be going deeper) is absolutely the essence of counter-productivity in terms of building a yoga practice. It's an illusion. I've done it. Don't.

Well, that's my update for now. I had a very weak week back there somewhere, I think two weeks back, and it didn't help matters that I was trying to diet for the first thirty days of this challenge! I am eating well, hydrating, taking vitamin C and chlorella, green smoothies, lots of fruit, big bowls of oatmeal, and as much sleep as I can squeeze in. I'm going for it! Day 32 and feeling very strong.

Day 22

Today I thought long and hard about my priorities and what I truly want out of life. I came to the realization that although I have thought I had been living authentically, I haven't been, not completely. And the truth is, in my estimation, that not living completely authentically is not living authentically at all.

I really get discouraged and disturbed when I bear witness to (and realize I'm a part of) the bullshit way we communicate with one another as a society. We feel annoyance, resentment, and genuine anger towards the people in our lives, yet we don't tell these people how we really feel. Instead we bottle it up and let it linger, fester, build up, our only relief being complaining to others' behind their backs, or letting them "have it"in tiny jabs and brisk comments. It's so fucking stupid. I used to be considered very argumentative and at times hard to get along with, (rarely, of course, with acquaintances and strangers, only with the people closest to me, and of those people, only some of them), and after enough people complained about the same thing, I did adjust my level of reactiveness. I'm glad I did. I am not saying I want to return to arguing with people. But at the opposite end of the spectrum now, I do think it's unloving and disingenuous to just let everything go all the time. Why? Because we're not really letting it go. In some recess of our brains, we are "keeping track". And I think it's damaging. It hurts our relationship with our higher selves, and damages and makes superficial our relationships with other people. I just don't want to live like that anymore. I DO have serious issues
with and concerns about some people in my life, for them as individuals as well as in terms of our relationship, and I don't believe that I can keep living as though this isn't the truth.

Today I made the decision that I would be very upfront and honest about the direction one of my oldest (active) friendships has taken. I have been enabling what I consider to be destructive behavioural patterns for so long. Why? Out of fear. Fear that once I started being truly authentic and honest about how disappointing I find our relationship to be, I wouldn't be able to stop, and years of resentment would come tumbling out. And that she would be mad at me, or not face me anymore. One of my biggest fears - and this is truly my ego speaking - is that my truth will be so devastating to a person that it will turn their lives upside down and they won't be able to recover, and ultimately, I will be the cause of that.
Anyway, I wrote this friend a letter, and although it is clear, firm, and I go further with the truth of my feelings than I've ever gone before, it really only scratches the surface. Still, I worry. I've sent the email. Reactions to come.

To me it's plain that so many people live their lives in this screwed up, dependent manner, just one step away from falling apart. Lonely, unfulfilled, bored, playing their role in dysfunctional relationships. Lives of quiet desperation, as Pink Floyd would say. But to point it out, to bemoan this reality, is to have different priorities than the norm. Truly. I feel that this is the essence of being common, and my whole life I have resisted it.

Although I'm not exactly where I want to be in life, I am not trapped, and for this I am eternally grateful. I still believe that I have a world of possibility ahead of me. I don't earn or have the money I want to, or hope to, but I have ultimately made the decision that I cannot live my life locked to a company, without the freedom to work independently, or take unpaid leaves of absence. I simply will not. Similarly, I am very hesitant about being tied to a mortgage. I understand (to some basic degree) the value of being a home owner, and I see that on a particular view, paying rent is a fruitless scheme. But at the same time, you are ultimately paying for your freedom. Freedom to live in the area you want to live in, and not merely where you can afford to buy. The freedom to pick up and leave.

I do understand that what I have written here represents merely my own current system of values, and in writing this I do not suggest that it is right to adopt it. Many people in my society are living a life that would be miserable to me, and they rejoice in it. I don't doubt this for a second, and that is not my point. (In fact, many of those people are INDEED living their truth, and I condone them, no matter what their lifestyle.)

My point is that I do believe that my values are much more common than people are courageous enough to admit, and to deny one's own self the liberty and right of living according to one's OWN SYSTEM OF VALUES, not those of their spouse, parents', siblings', friends', or society, is to live inauthentically. I also have come to believe that it is utterly wrong and selfish to depend on anyone or expect anyone to behave in a certain way, or do anything - ANYTHING - merely because you want them to, or that is your preference. That is exactly how we are taught to structure our relationships, and it is BS. That is conditional love, and it is the poisonous seed of co-dependence. It would also take enormous pressure off to know that no one was doing anything for me as a special favour, or against their true desire, but rather because in their heart they wanted to do that thing. To me, that is amazing. It is such a lie to think that asking people to do things they don't want to do - just because we want them to - is the basis of a loving, authentic relationship. I used to think just the opposite of this. But it is just enabling yourself and the other person to depend on each other for one's own personal happiness. This is so dangerous. Actually, it is a recipe for disaster. Yet it is the basis for romantic and familial love as we know it in our society, and we are encouraged to demand it, or at least manipulate each other to get what we want to the best of our ability. This is not to say I don't think it's OK to ask. Yes, absolutely! That's part of it. Ask, and be totally honest about your preferences. But don't be disappointed if the answer is: "hell, no!"

And also, don't be afraid to say no yourself, as I've mentioned in an earlier post. It is the right thing to do, even when it feels counterintuitive. Just say no! No, I'm sorry, I'm too tired. No, I'm sorry, I don't want to. Whatever! It doesn't matter why the answer is no. That's your business.

I question myself how realistic I'm being here, as this is not exactly a formula I have followed precisely. I have made ALL of these mistakes, and more, in virtually every relationship I've ever been a part of. (And I used to be truly hopeless at saying "no", but now I'm a C - ... I'll get there!) Nevertheless, this does represent what I truly believe, and it's about time I start being vocal about it.

I also realize that in everything I have said, I am only halfway there.

I must start being more honest with myself and with the people in my life about how I feel, about them, about our relationships, about what I want, about the boundaries I wish to set. About everything. Even if it rocks the boat. Even if the storm that has been brewing, collecting ammunition, finally settles down on this town and rips the houses from their foundation and rocks every boat at the port. Kaboom!

I must do it, without fear of consequence.

I must live authentically! Only then.

Pickle Juice!

Last night was my sister's birthday and I had a couple of glasses of wine times three. Yeah, about that. Maybe a bit more. Times four? No! Couldn't have been...
Anyway I am not disallowing alcohol in my life at this time; rather I am making hydration a must at all times. After spending last Sunday lying on the beach all day without any water, sweating litres in class later that day, and then not properly hydrating, I REALLY paid for that on the Monday. Not repeating that. So in a way I'm glad I had that experience because I never want to feel that way again, and I won't.
My body is very sensitive right now. I am practicing food combining (for the most part) meaning that I either have a carb like rice or yam or squash with veggies, OR a protein like meat, chicken, fish, etc with veggies, but not a carb and a protein together at the same meal, (and sometimes I just have veggies with no carb or protein), AND I only eat fruit on an empty stomach. I don't know to what degree food combining is necessary or effective for me, but as I've mentioned I am trying to drop a few more pounds and I want to maximize digestive efficiency in order to utilize all the nutrients I consume the best way I can, and save energy. Anyway, I threw caution to the wind this weekend - for instance last night we ate at the Keg, and I had bread, cheese (which I'm not really having right now), tons of butter, steak, crab, potatoes...and ice cream cake for dessert Whew! (That is NOT a typical meal for me but needless to say: amazingly yummy). Ordinarily my stomach would actually be fine with all that as I'm not that food sensitive, but that certainly affected my stomach and energy levels last night and today, especially with all that wine. I haven't felt that FULL in a long time, and I must say that feeling about that full was a very regular, almost daily fact of life for me in the past. How could I have lived like that?! It was so unpleasant.

Oh but it didn't stop there. Today I had a mini burger at Mother's Day lunch (alongside chicken salad) and then a relatively small piece of cake with whipped cream and strawberries about two hours later. It really wasn't that much food, but again: I felt it. In fact I conked out for about an hour and a half, even though I'd slept 8.5 hours last night! When I woke up I could still feel that cake sitting there, and it took yoga to move all that food through my system. To be honest, I didn't eat again today. I'm not sure if that's bad, but I just didn't feel the need or desire. After yoga I prepared a very delicious lunch for myself tomorrow consisting of a Thai veggie soup and steamed squash with all kinds of delightful seasonings, but I didn't feel the slightest inkling to eat any of it. There have been quite a few days on this challenge where I have not eaten dinner. The paleo crowd says that this is fine, and from an evolutionary perspective and looking at different groups around the world, it is and has been VERY normal to skip a meal. But it was always so ingrained in us never to do that, and generally as a society we're still quite hooked on the 3 square meals a day thing. Also there's the blood sugar thing. If I feel hungry and I don't eat, I turn illogical and emotional (something my ex could see coming a mile away, and would call "bonking"). So, who knows. Some say "listen to your body", others say "what about when your body tells you to eat a whole box of cookies?! No, definitely do not listen to your body in fact that term doesn't even mean anything."

Anyway, since Day 1 (20 days ago) I have dropped 3-5 pounds (it goes up and down depending on the day). I guess that is quite significant, it just doesn't feel like it because I am still not at my slimmest.

Moving along, I had the strongest class of my challenge today! I judge a class by many things, but one is the way I feel during the 20 second savasanas of the floor series. if I feel restless and heatstroked and exhausted, that's bot a great class. today I felt deep calm and even a kind of euphoria. So great! the classes that keep you going. My back was almost pain free and I haven't yet mentioned that I have seen big improvements with my flexibility. My body is healing! It is no longer the case that I feel the need to modify my postures just to stay out of pain.

During class the teacher mentioned that during her teacher training the attendees would drink pickle juice to get the salts back in their body. (By the way, I have been consuming more salt than usual and feeling that it has been a benefit. Miso soup feels like an especially nutrifying and helpful food at this time.) So a girl piped up and said that pickle juice was the cure for hangovers in Russia.

Well, that was all I needed to hear. I was sold. When I got home - without thinkng about it, without ANY hesitation - I had my very first cold, refreshing glass of pickle juice ... and it tasted DIVINE!

Try it!

I was abducted by aliens during pranayana

It's 11:30 and long past my bedtime, well in an ideal world that is, but I forgot I'd made this commitment to writing in here every day. Why, oh I don't know. I want to keep track of the highs and lows of my challenge. One day, people may actually read this blog, and I want them to have some back entries to turn to.

Anyway, I'd mentioned yesterday that I lay on the beach without any sunscreen or water yesterday for the first time this season; up until yesterday, we'd basically been in winter. Well, not exactly, but it definitely hadn't started bikini season yet. So I was feeling amazing and great yesterday and I went to sleep on cloud 9.
I even had fantasies about waking up at 5:20 this morning to go to the early morning class. Insert PeeWee Herman's laugh at this point if you're familiar with such a thing. It sounds like this: haHA!

Not a chance!

I woke up at 7, feeling like I'd been bulldozed. I got ready for work inna total haze and tried to dress myself in a bizarre, comfy outfit consisting of short shorts and a sports bra under a baggy tank top, clearly NOT business casual (luckily I had the sense to change) I could barely walk to the train my right hip was aching so badly (God only knows why) and I was just weak: completely in a weakened state.

Now I have to admit here that I am doing something rather foolish but it's just that I am a bridesmaid in two weeks and I just wanted to shed a few pounds. Yes I am on a diet. No I'm not eating enough calories to support my lifestyle. End of story for now - yes there are more details than that but the bottom line is I just want to get down to a certain magical number on the scale for this durn wedding and then after that I will ease up a bit. Ok I'll digress: Low carb style eating is effective for weightloss for me but I just loathe it and also it makes me feel like shit. So I have to carb it up. Not massively, but I'm sorry veg and fruit alone is not carb enough, not by a long shot. So that means I have to do low cal, if there's any hope of shedding a few pounds. I'm in a transition phase.

Also, throughout the week I've been doing a wee bit of interval and weight training.

So yes, I woke up this morning feeling like I was about 80 years old. Luckily I had prepped a fantastically healthy and filling lunch so I really indulged, and by the afternoon I was feeling better. Not 100%, though. It's really quite hot here and I think that might be adding to the lethargy, not to mention my sunburn. But intuitively I feel that the main culprit is dehydration. So I really tried to wawa it up but I still had 2 coffees...and I could have done with another 500 ml of water evenly drunk throughout the morning. I've got to stay on top of that tomorrow. I tend to forget to drink and then chug, which isn't as efficient a hydration method, imo.

After trying to relax a bit I trudged into my studio at 7:15 pm this evening like I'd been conscripted for the army. Everyone got a heavy dose of my moaning (and they were very good about it! they humoured me, lets put it that way!) This is not normal behaviour, I'll have you know. Everyone else is all perks and smiles and jazzy little outfits. It's only me that keeps carrying on about being on a challenge as though some unseen force is making me do this. The funny thing is that I am the only one doing the 50 day "guru challenge", as it's being called. There are sone doing the 30 day. But only crazy I am doing the 50 day. I keep having to remind myself that I'm the one that signed up for this!

So something very strange happened: one moment we'd begun pranayama breathing and the next SECOND (it felt like) we were already starting half moon. I thought the teacher was joking! Seriously. I even looked around again and again, utterly confused, my knuckles still glued to my chin, but when I realized no one else was acting like anything else was amiss, I figured that I had gone into full speed autopilot for virtually all of pranayama breathing, both sets. Yikes. It turns out I remember what I had been thinking about: a recipe I'd read online about these oat blueberry muffins. Yup. The idea of baking and eating those delicious muffins so consumed me it was as though I'd "lost time", as people claim to do when they are abducted! Yeah I really need to eat something...!

Sun Smart? Not a chance. I was a Sun Fool!

I had my first real beach day today, meaning I lay on the sand in a bathing suit. It was gorgeous. Absolutely adored being there. It was a bit chilly when I arrived at around 11 am, but warmed up quickly and just about hit that summer feeling by later afternoon. Anyway, I don't know what I was thinking, but I didn't use any protection and I just lay there, exposed, for a good couple of hours. What can I say? I lost my mind. I had heatstroke. I am now sunburned. This is so rare an event for me; I spent four months in Hawaii last year and did not even burn once. But here I am in dreary old Vancouver, lobster chested on the 5th of May. WTH!

I thought I might have a dreadful class at 4:15 pm today post-beach with getting all that sun, also - I felt I hadn't hydrated well enough. Instead of my mainstay, ie WATER, I chose to drink coffee, Kombucha drink, and a big can of coconut water on the beach. Again, what was I thinking? I didn't even bring my water bottle to the beach. So I grabbed a one litre of regular water on the drive home and tried to chug as much of it as I could before class. Actually, I almost finished it, but prior to that I hadn't even drunk any water at all today, except for a bit first thing in the morning.

Anyway, the sun must have given me power all the same, because I had a tremendous class. I sweat buckets. I was definitely mildly uncomfortable and feeling warmer than usual because of my sun-kissed skin, but overall, really strong one. It also occurred to me that it feels like a great break if you go to an early morning class one day and then on the next day you go to an afternoon  (or, I would assume, evening) class. I felt as though the slate had been wiped clean. Great teachers always help, too. There really are some wonderful teachers at the studio I go to now, and since there are so many classes to choose from, there are a lot of different people to experience. I feel really lucky for this. I am a big fan of special people :)

It's Hard! It's HARD!

Today was Day 13 of my 50 day challenge, meaning I'm about 1/4 of the way through. I'm over halfway to halfway, you could say. I can't really think about the halfway point or the finish point or anything other than getting to class day by day, because otherwise it just seems impossible. There have been a few days where I was very tempted not to go to class, and just make up for it down the road with a double. Knowing myself, (and I know this sounds defeatist but I'm just being honest), I probably will do this soon. What's held me back so far is the fear that it will weaken my will, and I only have just enough will to take this challenge day by day as it is, so I really can't afford to drop the ball here, so to speak. Every day that I wake up and face the mini-challenge (actually a major challenge) of going to class, one of the main things that gives me the motivation I need to get my butt there is the memory that yesterday, I did it, and I feel good about having done that.

So, what's so hard about it anyway? Don't I like going to yoga? Yes, sure. And it's not really that hard, is it? Not if you take it easy, which I have been doing a few classes, that's for sure.

Sometimes I have a few strong classes and always allow myself to become fooled into thinking the series has become easy for me now; it's like my little secret. I am feeling good, feeling strong, and then I look around and see that others are sluggishly getting into posture a few beats after the starting gun, or have dropped to their knees, or are even sprawled out on their mat, unable to move. I think, "Oh that's over for me now, I remember when I that used to happen to me. But I've got this series nailed now. Look at the teacher, she can see I'm a regular, she can see I've been doing this yoga for ages. She can tell how far I've come, how hard I've worked, that I'm an intermediate practitioner. I'm a role model! Beginners and strugglers can look to me for guidance, that is plain to everyone in this class. That's it, it's final: I'm going to teacher training."

I can't tell you how many times this foolish though process has played over in my mind when I should have been quieting my mind, and working to improve my practice.

But then, next class: bam, it's all over. As I've mentioned before, some people say "getting there is half the battle", but I don't believe this applies to Bikram Yoga. No matter how tough the challenge of motivating oneself to just get to the studio might be, the class itself is frequently much more challenging - unbelievably, surprisingly challenging, even when it's just the SAME OLD series of postures, hundreds of times over. So you've been going strong, but then one day you walk in too hungry, dehydrated, tired, in a bad mood, or perfectly fine even sometimes, (sometimes there is no logical, predictable reason) and suddenly you're in the eye of the storm having a shitty, hard class, and it sucks more than it's ever sucked before. It's like the difficulty level hits you again for the first time.

On the other hand, many classes are neither difficult nor strong, they're just regular. Monotonous. Especially during a challenge. Even though the ever-unchanging sequence of postures is something I find highly appealing and would never, ever want to see it changed in any way, it does get to me. "Here we go again", I think during pranayama breathing, (the first breathing exercise, which only lasts for a couple minutes but can feel like an eternity). The start of class is sometimes so difficult for me, mentally, especially when I am tired. In general, the most monotonous sections of class are the first three postures (for me, these have always been the hardest) and the floor series after spine-strengthening series on the stomach. It is during these two sections of the class that I am prone to feeling intense boredom and a strong desire to flee.

Anyway, there are other things I am doing to keep this doable for myself. I'm off the wine and on the coconut water. I've been taking some electrolytes. Hydrating as much as humanly possible. I'm keeping my calorie intake relatively low, and it feels right to me. I'm sleeping as much as I possibly can given my schedule. I am meditating for 15 minutes a day, usually right before bed. I have been doing various psoas muscle stretches outside of class, which seems to really be helping my lower back. My social life is still existent, but I am setting some boundaries, which is really hard. This is not a time for whooping it up. And I'm still working on saying NO. No to what I don't want to do, and yes to what I do, without allowing the people in my life to guilt me. Living my life exactly the way I want to live it, or at least getting one step closer every day...

Within reason :)

1/7th of the way through the challenge.

One week down, six more to go. Today was Day 8! Cool kind of class today but the humidity was up and I had lots of space. There is a new karma yoga program at my studio which involves four hours of work per week at the studio in exchange for free classes. I would say this is a pretty good deal, especially for students, and it makes sense for studio owners. I'd been wondering when they might start up with this program. However, I wouldn't go for it. I have done work exchanges before and I always end up feeling like I'm getting the crap end of the stick. I understand the concept of karma yoga, but at this point in my life, workin' for free just ain't my thing. I would rather get a different part time job and use the money I earned to pay for my yoga package. I enjoy giving in other ways. OK, I just hate chores!

The karma yoga program changes the energy of the studio. There's a kind of disorganized buzz going on and I'm not sure if I like it. The thought occurred to me that I hope none of the work traders try to pull a fast one, which surprised me. I will ponder this a bit more and try to have an open mind.

Anyway, I feel great, my back is feeling pretty good, and I am proud to have made it to class through a busy weekend that included a crazy, late night out on the town.

I don't have too much to say, today, but a funny quote I heard from a teacher a few classes ago:

"Sit on your knees, Japanese style. If you're Japanese, just sit."

I *love* this kind of humour. YukYuk :)

Bikram Yoga and Weight loss Advice

As a person that has lost over 30 pounds (and kept off at least a good 25 pounds for 1.5 years that I had carried around for about a decade), and is currently slimmer at age 34 than I was at 16, I can tell you a thing or two about weight loss.

If you struggle with your weight, I sincerely hope that you will be able to take something from this. You will. Keep reading.

The first thing I have realized is that after a period of true dieting, then through changing my diet and exercise regime, I created a new "set point" for my body. So although weight fluctuates throughout the month and year, and goes down when you're being "good", if you sort of let things slide a little or live life like a relatively normal person, your weight will stabilize somewhere. The weight you say your body seems to like to be. My set point for many years was 160 pounds. I hit that weight at age 23, and although I would lose and then gain back 5, 10, or 15 pounds periodically, (mostly through calorie restriction - I have always exercised) I would just seem to go back to that weight. Then, as I said, I went on a serious diet, during which I did not eat processed foods for around five or six months. I was largely a raw food vegan during that period, but I did change it up a bit. I didn't exercise a great deal more than I had been exercising before, but the exercise was really regular. Anyway, I've gone up and down a bit in past year, but the main thing is that I have a new set point now, and it is 24 pounds less than it was: 136 pounds. (I am 3 pounds below that right now.) 136 is the weight I was at when I stopped my no-processed foods diet, and I have returned to it several times. Unfortunately, it is still too high for my preference. (My lowest weight is 127.)

I had thought I would be really happy at about 130, and I am certainly comfortable, but I believe in my heart of hearts that I am carrying around about 7-10 extra pounds. I just feel that intuitively. My BMI is currently 21.5, which is well below the maximum for health (25, in case you didn't know), and people tell me how slim I am all the time, but I have decided that with my frame being as small as it is, and the fact that I can still grab fat off my abdomen and hips, I would feel more comfortable at a BMI of about 20.

When I got back to Bikram about six months ago, my body immediately shed pounds, which I have since gained back (more on that in a minute). At that time, I hadn't been eating any grain for several months, (as an experiment, as the last time I cut out grain I was eating vegan and I found I had to rely heavily on fruit. Now I am not vegetarian, so I decided to give some version of 'paleo' a shot.) The problem with eating that way for me was that I had hardly any energy. I am usually really big on fruit and I wasn't eating a lot of it for possibly the first time ever; consequently, it was a period of low activity for me. Sometimes the most minimal of activity really wore me out. It was kind of ridiculous. Anyway, when I went back to Bikram (and actually what inspired me to get back was that my ultra low-carb diet had me feeling shitty), I began carbing out like mad. Pizza, pasta, rice. Everything. Yet I continued to lose weight. I think the shock of Bikram yoga after a few months of relative inactivity was enough to set it off. I was so happy! I thought I could just eat whatever I wanted from then on.

Boy was that a dumb thing to think!

Christmas season rolled around right after that, and I began to gain. I gained and lost five pounds a few times and struggled to keep my weight down, even as I practiced Bikram yoga about four times a week or more. I was finding it really hard to stop myself from overeating, and had become addicted to grains.

Finally, after distancing myself from my scale for a while and just trying to eat normally, I had to admit to myself that my clothes were just not fitting right. I stepped on the scale exactly two weeks ago: to my horror, I was up 9 pounds from my lowest weight! YIKES! Yes, you read that right: after losing five pounds initially, I managed to gain them back plus 4 more pounds: those are pounds that I had managed to keep off for the better part of a year before even starting Bikram yoga again! Not only that, but Bikram yoga is NOT my only form of exercise. I also walk, jog, swim, work out with free weights, do HIIT routines, pilates, and various other routines. Quite regularly!

So if you are one of the mistaken people that thinks Bikram yoga or any other exercise alone (without diet modification) is always going to be enough to lose weight, you are wrong! I have done a lot of internet research on this topic and I have come to the following conclusions:

1. Men are more likely to be able to rely on exercise for weight-loss than women, especially young men. Weight loss success stories from doing Bikram yoga often come from men. I don't know why this is. But peer reviewed studies have confirmed this, and I believe it. When I started doing this yoga 7 years ago, my body changed for the better and of course I became more muscular, but I did not lose fat. That is because my eating went out of control. I made up for all the calories burned during class by overeating. This is a very real phenomenon. That brings me to my next point:

2. Please remember how much easier it is to eat 300 calories than to burn it. A McDonald's cheeseburger, so small you can devour it in about 10 seconds, is 300 calories. Most hamburgers are double or triple the calories of that. It is so easy and quick to eat 300 calories. Meanwhile, many forms of moderate exercise, like the elliptical or biking, only burn about 300 calories in 30 minutes! Not properly understanding what I am saying here (and I sure didn't use to!) is the # 1 reason people are confused about how to incorporate exercise into their weight-loss regime. Exercise can and does help. Absolutely. But unless you're really overweight or a young male, what you eat and how much you eat is far, far more important.

3. When used correctly, exercise will aid in weightloss, but you have to change it up. I know that a calorie in is a calorie in and the same goes for calories out. Weight loss is a numbers game. However, things get tricky when your body gets used to an exercise. It becomes more efficient and starts burning less calories. OR makes better use of the calories it has already taken in. I am not sure of the exact process, but take me, for instance: after six months of steady practice, it's as though my body no longer considers Bikram yoga to be a calorie burning activity anymore. I don't eat any more than I would if I were just biking slowly about 40 minutes a day and maybe doing a 20 minute pilates routine on top of that some days, yet I have weighed LESS when that was my lifestyle than I do now. I had to cut out all processed food and lower my daily caloric intake to the point that I felt hunger to lose 3 pounds in the past two weeks, but I know that if I stopped doing Bikram altogether, and replaced it with say a 45 minute jog per day (which burns less calories, being half the time) interspersed with interval training, I would rev up my weight loss. So frustrating! But true.

4. You mess your body up when you stay overweight for a significant amount of time, and this affects what kinds of food are going to keep you slim and what kinds are going to make you gain. My cousin is a dancer and she has been super-slim all her life. She has had two kids and although her body has probably changed in ways only she and her husband know about, you can't tell at all.  She appears to have the body of a teenager. Anyway, she wouldn't dream of doing "low carb" or cutting out a particular food or food group. She eats whatever she wants. The key is, she has never wanted to eat a whole pizza. She has always kept her portions small and reasonable. That's why she can eat grain no problem. For a person that has struggled with weight issues, they have probably overdone it with the processed carbs about a million or trillion times, and now they have some kind of bad romance with them. So, going low-carb or cutting out a food or food group entirely could potentially have amazing results. It could be the key to success. Your history with food makes a big difference to what will work for you, so don't necessarily listen to what a naturally slim person advises you. In a sense, they are clueless. If you've been overweight, chances are you have an addictive relationship with food. Slim people often don't. So they don't know how effective cutting out a food group entirely can be, and they will categorize it out of hand as fad dieting.

I will state this for once and for all: If it weren't for so-called "fad dieting", NEVER would I have had success with weight loss at this level. Calorie reduction was not sustainable for me.

Well, there's my two cents in a nutshell.

Anyway, in my opinion, every single person on this planet owes it to his or her self to be the weight they actually, truly want to be, and to not go for gold is to cheat yourself - to waste your life. I feel like I wasted my entire twenties at a weight I didn't care for at all (BMI 23.4 - 25.8, depending), and although I believe in cosmic order of things, and that I went through that for a reason, I do feel that it is a terrible shame that I didn't do something about it sooner. I will never, ever go back to a weight I am not comfortable with.

Conversely, I am not overly polite or complimentary or a teller of white lies when it comes to people talking about wanting to lose weight. You will rarely hear me utter the words, "you don't need to lose weight". No way. Instead of that nonsensical, unhelpful, culturally enforced politeness, I tell them straight up what I believe their best plan of action would be, based on what I know about them.

To be at a weight you're unhappy with is to suffer great emotional pain. A friend's reassurance that you look OK when you know you don't is cold, cold comfort. It's a bullshit way to deal with one another and I don't believe in it.

Now I am slimmer than I was as a teenager, and I am in my mid 30s. Many (most) of the girls that were always much skinnier than I was, are now the same size as me or bigger. Who am I kidding: it's freaking great! Did you really think it wouldn't be? Despite what I said at the beginning, about still wanting to lose another 10 pounds or so, I am already very happy with the body I have now. It is truly an amazing experience to lose the weight and I would do anything I could to help a person out in that department. It's a major part of the reason I want to become a yoga teacher. Why bother pretending our body size is not as important of an issue for all of us as it actually is?! it's not superficial; it's the reason out species exists.

I would give up my university degree before I took on those extra pounds again, and I do not say that lightly.