At this time in my life, I am choosing to abstain from drinking any alcohol. Alcohol makes me feel bad physically -- this is my most basic answer for why. If I have more than a couple of drinks, more than a couple of times a week, for an extended period of time, I am prone to more than just a hangover. I feel pain in my body. I get rashes. I get down in the dumps. I feel unwell.
This is not the first time I've taken a complete break, but this has been the longest, and as week after week goes by (not to mention weekend after weekend) I feel more and more like I might be making a permanent change to my way of living. I'm not saying that beer or wine or anything else will never touch my lips again.. But I believe that if and when I do go back, it will be from a different angle, a new perspective. I have made some important realizations about the role of alcohol in our society, and in the lives of those around me, and it's become clear to me that I have been ready for a major change in my lifestyle for a long time now.
I think that one's relationship to alcohol is a very personal thing, and would say more or less that alcohol is not a very big deal to many people. I wouldn't necessarily classify this according to how much or how often a person drinks, but more in terms of how attached they are to drinking. A person who might go weeks and weeks without a drink and barely notice would be someone like this, even if over another period of time during that same year, they actually drank quite a lot.
I have never really been this type of person. It has become easier and easier for me to drink less as I've gotten older, that is per night and also nights per week/month (thank God), but there were still many nights - this year, even! - where I went way overboard.
Healthwise, that is not great, and I think that we all know that, but that's not even what concerns me about my own relationship to alcohol, in retrospect. More insidious than amount or frequency is the realization that many times, during a stressful day at work, or boring week night at home, I would find myself really looking forward to some event coming up like a party, dinner, or get-together. In my mind I would sort of be saying, "It's all right, you'll get through this, and pretty soon you'll be out having a good time and all will be well again." That is normal enough, isn't it? I think that is the way a lot of us think. However, during the past few months I have not been drinking at all, and I find that I don't look forward to social events NEARLY as much. At first I thought that this was merely part of a period of adjustment that I was making, but truthfully, it hasn't gotten any better. And I've come to the point where I must be honest with myself and admit that the bulk of my social life and social connections consisted of people and events that aren't much worth looking forward to without alcohol. For me, this is terribly significant, and it's caused me to re-evaluate ALL of my relationships, and in fact the structure of my entire life, and what I believe makes me happy.
During this time, certain friends of mine have almost completely dropped off my radar. I don't even think of these people anymore. Other people like co-workers and acquaintances, and peoples' partners that I've never cared for - well, I wouldn't dream of spending time with anyone I don't like unless I absolutely had to. Afterwork invitations to a pub and dinners at expensive restaurants where I don't particularly care for the food? Not a chance. It sounds crazy, but I feel like it has only been over the past few months that I have really even been able to properly get in touch with what I like doing and who I like being around! How could I have not been clear on these important issues?!
The way I'm making it sound, one would think all I ever did was throw back drinks, but that honestly wasn't the case. It's just that drinking alcohol is so pleasurable for me (at least some of the time) that it has had me saying yes to all kinds of situations and activities that I wouldn't really find all that enticing, and also -- the way I got through situations that I didn't find particularly fulfilling or enjoyable was by placing my awareness in the future, at some up and coming fun time when I would be drinking, or relaxing at home by myself, which has always been the most pleasurable thing I can think of. But one can't spend all of their time in isolation.
Oh, man.
Anyway, the bottom line is, this experiment of mine is at the very least opening up doors for different kinds of activities, such as qigong, meditations & spiritual groups, and open water winter swimming, as well as new friendships, and new friendship dynamics. I've got to admit, I still don't find life as fun and pleasurable without the aid of alcohol, but I see that as everything BUT a reason to get back off the wagon. I see this as a chance to get to know myself better, to see who and what really makes me tick, and to find that pleasure and enjoyment within myself. I think some people go a lifetime without ever fully engaging themselves. That's not what I want for my life.
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