Today I thought long and hard about my priorities and what I truly want out of life. I came to the realization that although I have thought I had been living authentically, I haven't been, not completely. And the truth is, in my estimation, that not living completely authentically is not living authentically at all.
I really get discouraged and disturbed when I bear witness to (and realize I'm a part of) the bullshit way we communicate with one another as a society. We feel annoyance, resentment, and genuine anger towards the people in our lives, yet we don't tell these people how we really feel. Instead we bottle it up and let it linger, fester, build up, our only relief being complaining to others' behind their backs, or letting them "have it"in tiny jabs and brisk comments. It's so fucking stupid. I used to be considered very argumentative and at times hard to get along with, (rarely, of course, with acquaintances and strangers, only with the people closest to me, and of those people, only some of them), and after enough people complained about the same thing, I did adjust my level of reactiveness. I'm glad I did. I am not saying I want to return to arguing with people. But at the opposite end of the spectrum now, I do think it's unloving and disingenuous to just let everything go all the time. Why? Because we're not really letting it go. In some recess of our brains, we are "keeping track". And I think it's damaging. It hurts our relationship with our higher selves, and damages and makes superficial our relationships with other people. I just don't want to live like that anymore. I DO have serious issues
with and concerns about some people in my life, for them as individuals as well as in terms of our relationship, and I don't believe that I can keep living as though this isn't the truth.
Today I made the decision that I would be very upfront and honest about the direction one of my oldest (active) friendships has taken. I have been enabling what I consider to be destructive behavioural patterns for so long. Why? Out of fear. Fear that once I started being truly authentic and honest about how disappointing I find our relationship to be, I wouldn't be able to stop, and years of resentment would come tumbling out. And that she would be mad at me, or not face me anymore. One of my biggest fears - and this is truly my ego speaking - is that my truth will be so devastating to a person that it will turn their lives upside down and they won't be able to recover, and ultimately, I will be the cause of that.
Anyway, I wrote this friend a letter, and although it is clear, firm, and I go further with the truth of my feelings than I've ever gone before, it really only scratches the surface. Still, I worry. I've sent the email. Reactions to come.
To me it's plain that so many people live their lives in this screwed up, dependent manner, just one step away from falling apart. Lonely, unfulfilled, bored, playing their role in dysfunctional relationships. Lives of quiet desperation, as Pink Floyd would say. But to point it out, to bemoan this reality, is to have different priorities than the norm. Truly. I feel that this is the essence of being common, and my whole life I have resisted it.
Although I'm not exactly where I want to be in life, I am not trapped, and for this I am eternally grateful. I still believe that I have a world of possibility ahead of me. I don't earn or have the money I want to, or hope to, but I have ultimately made the decision that I cannot live my life locked to a company, without the freedom to work independently, or take unpaid leaves of absence. I simply will not. Similarly, I am very hesitant about being tied to a mortgage. I understand (to some basic degree) the value of being a home owner, and I see that on a particular view, paying rent is a fruitless scheme. But at the same time, you are ultimately paying for your freedom. Freedom to live in the area you want to live in, and not merely where you can afford to buy. The freedom to pick up and leave.
I do understand that what I have written here represents merely my own current system of values, and in writing this I do not suggest that it is right to adopt it. Many people in my society are living a life that would be miserable to me, and they rejoice in it. I don't doubt this for a second, and that is not my point. (In fact, many of those people are INDEED living their truth, and I condone them, no matter what their lifestyle.)
My point is that I do believe that my values are much more common than people are courageous enough to admit, and to deny one's own self the liberty and right of living according to one's OWN SYSTEM OF VALUES, not those of their spouse, parents', siblings', friends', or society, is to live inauthentically. I also have come to believe that it is utterly wrong and selfish to depend on anyone or expect anyone to behave in a certain way, or do anything - ANYTHING - merely because you want them to, or that is your preference. That is exactly how we are taught to structure our relationships, and it is BS. That is conditional love, and it is the poisonous seed of co-dependence. It would also take enormous pressure off to know that no one was doing anything for me as a special favour, or against their true desire, but rather because in their heart they wanted to do that thing. To me, that is amazing. It is such a lie to think that asking people to do things they don't want to do - just because we want them to - is the basis of a loving, authentic relationship. I used to think just the opposite of this. But it is just enabling yourself and the other person to depend on each other for one's own personal happiness. This is so dangerous. Actually, it is a recipe for disaster. Yet it is the basis for romantic and familial love as we know it in our society, and we are encouraged to demand it, or at least manipulate each other to get what we want to the best of our ability. This is not to say I don't think it's OK to ask. Yes, absolutely! That's part of it. Ask, and be totally honest about your preferences. But don't be disappointed if the answer is: "hell, no!"
And also, don't be afraid to say no yourself, as I've mentioned in an earlier post. It is the right thing to do, even when it feels counterintuitive. Just say no! No, I'm sorry, I'm too tired. No, I'm sorry, I don't want to. Whatever! It doesn't matter why the answer is no. That's your business.
I question myself how realistic I'm being here, as this is not exactly a formula I have followed precisely. I have made ALL of these mistakes, and more, in virtually every relationship I've ever been a part of. (And I used to be truly hopeless at saying "no", but now I'm a C - ... I'll get there!) Nevertheless, this does represent what I truly believe, and it's about time I start being vocal about it.
I also realize that in everything I have said, I am only halfway there.
I must start being more honest with myself and with the people in my life about how I feel, about them, about our relationships, about what I want, about the boundaries I wish to set. About everything. Even if it rocks the boat. Even if the storm that has been brewing, collecting ammunition, finally settles down on this town and rips the houses from their foundation and rocks every boat at the port. Kaboom!
I must do it, without fear of consequence.
I must live authentically! Only then.
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