Genuine Feelings

I pondered today what I'd written yesterday evening about alcohol-free living, and realized that I might not have properly emphasized my ultimate goal in all of this, which is to realize happiness from within! And also, to focus my energies on finding states / situations that provide me much higher levels of fulfillment and satisfaction than the rather false sense of those things that drugs and alcohol (and to some degree, food and other addictive substances & activities) can provide.

Anyway! I am trying to write daily on this blog.

So, I made the realization today that when you perceive that a person likes you, you'll forgive them for things you might not otherwise. What allowed me this thought was observing my current boss during a staff meeting this afternoon, and noting that she was actually quite similar in her approach to the job as a boss I'd had a few years back. The thing is, I like my current boss a lot, whereas my previous boss was the ultimate reason I quit that job. Primarily, I felt that I didn't like the way she handled her administrative role and that side of things within our workplace. Also, I always felt this undercurrent of mild disapproval when we interacted with each other, like she didn't like the way I did my work. Because I was not willing to change, this caused a bit of a clash between us. This type of employee/boss relationship might have been sustainable for someone else, but I don't deal well with criticism or visible disapproval of any kind. It's a real challenge for me, especially at work, of course, and I'm often worried in different situations that I'm going to "get into trouble." I seem to have this need to feel like I've done everything perfectly and that I am perfectly approved of, or at least that it seem that way. (Something I'm working on.)

Anyway, my current boss hasn't really been given the chance to see my downfalls on the job, (for instance, my tendencies towards being wildly disorganized!) as I'm quite new on this contract, and so far have been on my best behaviour. Not only that, I should say, but I am rather competent and likeable in general, and in what I do for work, thankfully. At work, I generally expect that people like me and approve of me, although naturally that isn't always the case, and I accept that. I just try to avoid those people when I can, which is hard to do when they're your boss! Generally I have always liked bosses that trust that you can do your job properly and just leave you alone. That being said, at the other school I work for, I am almost completely left alone, to the point where I feel unsupported; and actually, I have come to realize, I don't like that, either. A boss that can find a good balance in this regard is quite valuable indeed, I would say!

So, I am trying to sincerely figure out whether I genuinely like this girl or not - I think that I do, but I couldn't help but notice that her approach to the job is very similar to my previous boss's. I suppose is what got me thinking down this line. There's also the fact that she clearly likes me, and has been willing to do things to help me. Anyway, I guess I'd just like to take this chance to set my intention up to like her for being her, and not mainly because she approves of me or can help me out!