Today was Day 13 of my 50 day challenge, meaning I'm about 1/4 of the way through. I'm over halfway to halfway, you could say. I can't really think about the halfway point or the finish point or anything other than getting to class day by day, because otherwise it just seems impossible. There have been a few days where I was very tempted not to go to class, and just make up for it down the road with a double. Knowing myself, (and I know this sounds defeatist but I'm just being honest), I probably will do this soon. What's held me back so far is the fear that it will weaken my will, and I only have just enough will to take this challenge day by day as it is, so I really can't afford to drop the ball here, so to speak. Every day that I wake up and face the mini-challenge (actually a major challenge) of going to class, one of the main things that gives me the motivation I need to get my butt there is the memory that yesterday, I did it, and I feel good about having done that.
So, what's so hard about it anyway? Don't I like going to yoga? Yes, sure. And it's not really that hard, is it? Not if you take it easy, which I have been doing a few classes, that's for sure.
Sometimes I have a few strong classes and always allow myself to become fooled into thinking the series has become easy for me now; it's like my little secret. I am feeling good, feeling strong, and then I look around and see that others are sluggishly getting into posture a few beats after the starting gun, or have dropped to their knees, or are even sprawled out on their mat, unable to move. I think, "Oh that's over for me now, I remember when I that used to happen to me. But I've got this series nailed now. Look at the teacher, she can see I'm a regular, she can see I've been doing this yoga for ages. She can tell how far I've come, how hard I've worked, that I'm an intermediate practitioner. I'm a role model! Beginners and strugglers can look to me for guidance, that is plain to everyone in this class. That's it, it's final: I'm going to teacher training."
I can't tell you how many times this foolish though process has played over in my mind when I should have been quieting my mind, and working to improve my practice.
But then, next class: bam, it's all over. As I've mentioned before, some people say "getting there is half the battle", but I don't believe this applies to Bikram Yoga. No matter how tough the challenge of motivating oneself to just get to the studio might be, the class itself is frequently much more challenging - unbelievably, surprisingly challenging, even when it's just the SAME OLD series of postures, hundreds of times over. So you've been going strong, but then one day you walk in too hungry, dehydrated, tired, in a bad mood, or perfectly fine even sometimes, (sometimes there is no logical, predictable reason) and suddenly you're in the eye of the storm having a shitty, hard class, and it sucks more than it's ever sucked before. It's like the difficulty level hits you again for the first time.
On the other hand, many classes are neither difficult nor strong, they're just regular. Monotonous. Especially during a challenge. Even though the ever-unchanging sequence of postures is something I find highly appealing and would never, ever want to see it changed in any way, it does get to me. "Here we go again", I think during pranayama breathing, (the first breathing exercise, which only lasts for a couple minutes but can feel like an eternity). The start of class is sometimes so difficult for me, mentally, especially when I am tired. In general, the most monotonous sections of class are the first three postures (for me, these have always been the hardest) and the floor series after spine-strengthening series on the stomach. It is during these two sections of the class that I am prone to feeling intense boredom and a strong desire to flee.
Anyway, there are other things I am doing to keep this doable for myself. I'm off the wine and on the coconut water. I've been taking some electrolytes. Hydrating as much as humanly possible. I'm keeping my calorie intake relatively low, and it feels right to me. I'm sleeping as much as I possibly can given my schedule. I am meditating for 15 minutes a day, usually right before bed. I have been doing various psoas muscle stretches outside of class, which seems to really be helping my lower back. My social life is still existent, but I am setting some boundaries, which is really hard. This is not a time for whooping it up. And I'm still working on saying NO. No to what I don't want to do, and yes to what I do, without allowing the people in my life to guilt me. Living my life exactly the way I want to live it, or at least getting one step closer every day...
Within reason :)
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