Well, it's been a little while, but I'm still holding my own over at my local Bikram yoga studio (actually, not my local studio! I drive half an hour to go to my favourite one, my home studio near my mom and dad's house, and more on that in a later blog) and my practice has grown more magnificent, stronger than ever before. I'm very pleased about this, not to mention proud of myself, and ever-enamoured of the power and simplicity of this extraordinary sequence of postures done in the heated room.
But in terms of talking about the yoga, here at this blog, specifically, I think what I've really got to do if I'm ever going to be successful is just stop censoring myself in terms of what I say/critique, stop being concerned about who I might offend, and let open the flood gates! Hatha yoga, the practice itself, is a dialogue between the physical body and God, one might say, if one were spiritually or religiously inclined, though one needn't be to practice, of course. I once heard a yoga teacher say it was a 'dance for God', which I found very touching. So, there is a sense in which one may not speak of it at all. There are many aspects of my spiritual development, and my growth as a human being, that are simply impossible to put into words, and I accept the necessity of that condition of our humanity. However, we are creatures blessed with a voice, and a major part of our experience here on planet Earth is verbally reviewing and recording what happens, through conversation, reflection, the written word, etc. So, I must be honest now. I am 35 years old, and I am allowed to say how I really feel without fear of punishment. For goodness' sake!
I'd like to start by saying that throughout my exploration of what is true in this world, what is worth knowing, I have long had a distrust of teachers. Why? Well, it all began in elementary school, where I observed the squelching of children's natural talents and inclinations, alongside the enforcement of some very silly rules and methods of doing things, and felt from a very young age that there was just this element of foolishness that went against the natural order of things. I also thought long and hard about why I disliked each teacher at my school - and unfortunately, I disliked all of them - and it was a long journey admitting in my heart that it wasn't just a cliche to 'hate your teacher', that my concerns - as a child and now as an adult - were legitimate, and that there were actually reasons why these people were not cut out for the job. Let me explore this for a moment.
Most importantly, the major problem is that there are teachers and people in charge in this world that are mean-spirited. Cruel. Sadistic. Teachers that take obvious joy in embarrassing and shaming children for any reason they happen to fancy at the moment, teachers that belittle students and deliberately make them feel that they were worthless, or beyond hope, and teachers that regularly and easily lose their temper, scream and yell, and even throw things across the room. Not to be dramatic, but at my elementary school back in the 80s, this was just the tip of the iceberg, and I'm sure many can relate - well, this is what millions of adults witnessed on a daily basis throughout our elementary school years, and now we have a billion dollar industry trying to figure out why we struggle so much. How could we turn a blind eye to the practice of allowing mean-spirited people to teach at elementary schools? This is simply baffling to me, and who can argue that this has absolutely been the case, possibly at most elementary schools throughout history, even? It is no wonder to me that the most recent generations of parents have become so 'problematic' for teachers. I understand that sometimes parents (with all of their faults and poor parenting skills) cannot accept that their children have ever done anything wrong, and may be overly inclined to blame the teacher or the school. I also know from firsthand experience that some kids just exhibit difficult behaviour (that is to put it nicely) for no discernible reason, or at least no reason that can be helped, such as divorce, or a move, etc. But it is plain to see that people who have been adults for a long time do not forget the shitty aspects of our schooldays, and when I think of someone talking to my little niece the way I was spoken to, I feel something protective inside of me being triggered that has the potential to rip this universe another black hole. Even my grandparents remembered vividly going through even worse (much worse, actually), and I don't doubt that part of the reason many in this world are disinclined towards higher education is because of horrible teachers.
What a crime. Seriously. If you teach children in any capacity, please take a moment to respect the enormity of your responsibility. Accept the reality that being unfair even ONE time, for one decision, has the potential to etch itself in the heart and memory of a precious child until their last day on this planet. You have that kind of power. Use it as you will.
Next were teachers, as well as administrative staff, who were not necessarily mean-spirited, but definitely didn't like children, or may have at one time, but were burned out. (I can sympathize with the spirit-crushing condition of burnout, and realize as an adult that workers in myriad fields have to suffer through this phenomenon with no viable recourse available to them, but that's another topic.) Intermingled among the meanies and the haters, there were the teachers who were just not very smart. I recall on many an occasion, sitting there in my desk, a B/C student, easily able to recognize the gaps in their knowledge - and feeling slighted for it! Finally, the least offensive of all, but still not the key ingredient in fond memories, were the teachers were who I just didn't like for personal reasons: the dull, the abrasive, the obtuse. Good riddance to you all! I thought. But now, over 20 years on, I appreciate the impact that these people have had on who I am and how I view the world, and most importantly, just how valuable a good teacher really is. Which is the topic of this blog.
I should say for anyone that may be pitying me now, that despite the shenanigans of this group of wayward adults, who essentially raised me from the ages of 4-12, I still had a good time, and I would say overall that my experience at elementary school was quite positive. It just took a long period of recovery to realize that learning could actually be worthwhile, given the right material, presented in the right way, by the right teacher. (For this reason, I give the lot of them a gigantic F! Or at best a C-) Anyway, I got glimpses of what learning COULD be during high school, but to be honest, the situation there wasn't much better. The major problem for me with high school was the material being taught, the method of teaching (sanctioned by the government, the universities that trained these individuals, the institution of education itself, and whatever other powers that be). And, as is the case in many average Catholic schools, most of the teachers at my high school were just ok. I have always been an enthusiastic person, bright, and very curious, yet I spent the vast majority of time in those desks utterly uninspired. Bored. Distracted. Annoyed. Very few of my teachers recognized my potential for what it really was, and I was told repeatedly that it was ME, that my attitude and performance were strictly a result of me being a bad student, or even a dumb person. I truly believed that for many years. In fact, it became a key component of my identity.
Holy crap. What a lie!
So, for quite a long time, and even up until now, most of my learning has come from books, and from life experience itself. I have been practicing yoga and exploring philosophy (my university major, and don't even get me started on what a bore that was, even though I chose that subject specifically as it was literally the only thing that really piqued my interest) for many years now, but I am still unable to adequately manage my stress, and achieve the level of success I know that I am capable of. This is not for lack of trying. Something is missing, and I truly believe that a lack of guidance is a factor.
Thus, my desire for a real, living teacher has reached a zenith as of late. I'm tired of reading books. Books are a modern invention. Teachers, leaders, elders ... they're as old as humanity itself. Do you have any idea how many books I've read in my life? I know so much on certain topics that I can't even find anyone on my same level of knowledge to have a conversation with. I have to put an ad on craigslist and join Meet-up, and still I can't find anybody! In fact, my brain is so full of facts that I have had to put a halt on learning from books, and instead have imposed a rule of mandatory, daily TV, which I never did in the past. That's right: I am doing the opposite of trying to cut back on TV.
I don't think this is the only way to relax my mind and enjoy myself when I'm alone, but this is something that has been working very well for me for about three weeks, so I have no plan of stopping anytime soon.
Anyway, how does all of this relate to yoga? Well, the truth of the matter is, I love what yoga has done for my health and for my mind, but I am still stressed out and my back has not yet healed completely. I want a real, live teacher. I feel there's more, much more to all of this, and I can only grasp it in glimpses and glimmers. Some say that what I am looking for can only be derived through meditation; however, I am not satisfied with what I have been able to glean so far on the proper way to meditate. So I'll say it again: I want a teacher. A teacher I can trust.
Also, I am tired of being annoyed so frequently; I try to be open, accepting, respectful, give people the benefit of the doubt, etc, but I am reaching my limit for the fools spouting nonsense I encounter in the modern, western world of yoga. That is actually what brought me to Bikram yoga in the first place: I actually DO trust Bikram's system, and I am indebted to him for establishing his yoga franchise, which has ensured that the timed sequence of his series in the hot room has not been altered to its complete detriment. Around the world, thousands of people are increasing their vitality through this practice, and I am among them. I deeply appreciate the no-nonsense factor, and how could there be a shred of doubt in my mind that this practice (when carried out PROPERLY) promotes health and vitality, when I have over a thousand classes under my belt to solidify my stance on this issue? I certainly don't need a double-blind, peer reviewed study to tell me that this stuff works! (For the record, I don't give the tiniest shit about almost anything that science reports on health: virtually everything that modern science tells us through their "studies" regarding healthy living could have been easily confirmed by people living thousands of years ago, or uneducated villagers the world over, if you don't have a time machine. For me, modern science is an excellent example of bad teaching, and I am prepared to back that up logically.)
To get back on topic: after 7 and a half years of careful observation, it is my opinion that even this precious system of Bikram Yoga © is indeed being tainted by fools. Not only that, but from the stories I've heard, Bikram himself seems to be suffering from a kind of mental disorder, a sort of 'east meets west' syndrome. With these factors present, the system is perpetuated, and new teachers are trained sufficiently, but a sickness pervades it all, and I find it disturbing. It needs to be shaken up in a big way, because this is clearly not the same man or the same practice as it was when it was first put into motion. Thankfully, there are many fine studio owners, teachers, and practitioners keeping its vital essence alive, but there's a lot wrong here, and a new aim of this blog is to call attention to it. Because it's wrong, and the people of this Earth in 2013 need some serious guidance. I am a teacher, too, (not a yoga teacher by training, mind you) and I'm not perfect, but I am a critical thinker and I have a lot of experience. I'm just going to do my part here. Take what you can.
Meanwhile, I am also ready for my teacher, a real person to guide me through physical, spiritual practice and development, in order to sustain a healthy body and mind, well into old age. I don't know if I can find this in the world of yoga, as it is available to me, and I know I can't find it through books, or personal practice alone. I am currently exploring the world of Chinese medicine, as well as religious and spiritual practice that is Western in origin, and I would like to incorporate some of these learnings into the blog as well.
Join me, why don't you!
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