Burnout

I used to think that selfishness was one of the worst qualities a person could have. I would put myself out to no end trying to please everyone, and going above and beyond what was expected, even when it was totally unnecessary, was a standard I held not only for myself, but for the other people in my life, too. Now I think that understanding how & why to be selfish is perhaps the most vital lesson a person gets in this lifetime.
Who on earth decided it was ever right to put someone else's needs before one's own? I agree that sometimes this is a kind and appropriate course of action, but not as a rule. And certainly not as a defining role in any relationship. Only after a thorough evaluation of a given situation. The same goes for doing anything - anything at all - solely because someone else wants you to, and not because you yourself want to, and have decided as a free agent that you really think it's the right thing for you to do. If this other person is your boss, well, that's another story. But when you are free to choose, and you choose what you don't want, in the name of pleasing a loved one, or because you feel obligated for any reason, or because you fear some other negative consequence of your action, well, that's a much trickier & riskier endeavour than I'd ever previously imagined.
Why? Because it leads to burnout. I threw that word around the same as everyone else until my cousin, a clinical social worker, defined it for me in technical terms, saying that when you burn yourself out in a relationship, or the other person burns you out, or the situation burns you out through no one's fault, directly, you reach a state where it is impossible for you to care. To me, that's very serious business, and I have always felt guilty as hell about having negative thoughts about people or not wanting to see them. But upon reflection, I do believe that when you reach this state of burnout, there's literally nothing you can do to remedy it. You must remove yourself from the situation, and hopefully only temporarily. Otherwise you'll find yourself in a ceaseless state of stress and distress, terminally dissatisfied with your life as well as your relationships. This is how people live their entire lives, and I think that learning the right way to be selfish, to understand the sheer necessity of putting your own needs first to the exclusion of major players in your life (as in "you are not meeting my needs in this relationship - shape up or SHIP OUT"), is the only way out of this mess.
One of (many) reasons I'm reluctant to join the cast of motherhood is because I feel it's often a one-way ticket to burnout. I don't think it has to be that way, but in a society where the middle class cannot afford nannies (or anything, actually), and women must work as well as be primary childrearers, and are often isolated from their friends, peers, and key family members, I would have to say that burnout is the norm.
This is not to say all moms (and dads) stop caring about their children: of course not. Though some do. But care in other areas, such as care about one's own role as person on this planet separate from relationship, care about the world, care about the appearance, care about one's own basic human needs -- many, many things take a backseat, sometimes permanently. We call this "growing up". We call this real life. I call it insidious.
When I figure out a solution to this conundrum (and I'm sure that every parent I know living their own version of burnout would love nothing more than to give me really good advice on this issue despite the fact that they're the living example of what I've just described in general terms), I will consider being a little less selfish with my life!