I used to think that selfishness was one of the worst qualities a person could have. I would put myself out to no end trying to please everyone, and going above and beyond what was expected, even when it was totally unnecessary, was a standard I held not only for myself, but for the other people in my life, too. Now I think that understanding how & why to be selfish is perhaps the most vital lesson a person gets in this lifetime.
Who on earth decided it was ever right to put someone else's needs before one's own? I agree that sometimes this is a kind and appropriate course of action, but not as a rule. And certainly not as a defining role in any relationship. Only after a thorough evaluation of a given situation. The same goes for doing anything - anything at all - solely because someone else wants you to, and not because you yourself want to, and have decided as a free agent that you really think it's the right thing for you to do. If this other person is your boss, well, that's another story. But when you are free to choose, and you choose what you don't want, in the name of pleasing a loved one, or because you feel obligated for any reason, or because you fear some other negative consequence of your action, well, that's a much trickier & riskier endeavour than I'd ever previously imagined.
Why? Because it leads to burnout. I threw that word around the same as everyone else until my cousin, a clinical social worker, defined it for me in technical terms, saying that when you burn yourself out in a relationship, or the other person burns you out, or the situation burns you out through no one's fault, directly, you reach a state where it is impossible for you to care. To me, that's very serious business, and I have always felt guilty as hell about having negative thoughts about people or not wanting to see them. But upon reflection, I do believe that when you reach this state of burnout, there's literally nothing you can do to remedy it. You must remove yourself from the situation, and hopefully only temporarily. Otherwise you'll find yourself in a ceaseless state of stress and distress, terminally dissatisfied with your life as well as your relationships. This is how people live their entire lives, and I think that learning the right way to be selfish, to understand the sheer necessity of putting your own needs first to the exclusion of major players in your life (as in "you are not meeting my needs in this relationship - shape up or SHIP OUT"), is the only way out of this mess.
One of (many) reasons I'm reluctant to join the cast of motherhood is because I feel it's often a one-way ticket to burnout. I don't think it has to be that way, but in a society where the middle class cannot afford nannies (or anything, actually), and women must work as well as be primary childrearers, and are often isolated from their friends, peers, and key family members, I would have to say that burnout is the norm.
This is not to say all moms (and dads) stop caring about their children: of course not. Though some do. But care in other areas, such as care about one's own role as person on this planet separate from relationship, care about the world, care about the appearance, care about one's own basic human needs -- many, many things take a backseat, sometimes permanently. We call this "growing up". We call this real life. I call it insidious.
When I figure out a solution to this conundrum (and I'm sure that every parent I know living their own version of burnout would love nothing more than to give me really good advice on this issue despite the fact that they're the living example of what I've just described in general terms), I will consider being a little less selfish with my life!
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
The Mirror Technique and Others
I have just ended a period of five days of cleansing. I realize a lot of people have a negative opinion about fasts and cleanses. Well, that's their business.
But one might consider that for health & spiritual reasons, fasting has been practiced for thousands of years, throughout different traditions. Can one really state that there could not possibly be any benefit?
More than anything else, this experience had me questioning my relationship to food. It is one thing to try to appreciate food, to try to realize that using food as a comfort and replacement for emotional fulfillment is in some sense an abuse, and to try to stop it. However, to fast is to know these things. So much clarity can be gained through the temporary elimination of food.
But one might consider that for health & spiritual reasons, fasting has been practiced for thousands of years, throughout different traditions. Can one really state that there could not possibly be any benefit?
More than anything else, this experience had me questioning my relationship to food. It is one thing to try to appreciate food, to try to realize that using food as a comfort and replacement for emotional fulfillment is in some sense an abuse, and to try to stop it. However, to fast is to know these things. So much clarity can be gained through the temporary elimination of food.
Focus
Focusing the mind was something I hardly even paid attention to in the early stages. I mean, in the early early stages, going into the most basic of postures and balances was so challenging for me that I couldn't help but not let my mind wander! I really had to concentrate very hard on doing everything even remotely right. But once I sorta got the hang of it, yoga became a place where I could think long and hard about basically everything: what I was doing in school, the ups and downs of my various relationships, what I happened to be worried about, some event that had happened that day or recently that was still bugging me -- etc. etc.
I was semi-aware somewhere in the back pf my mind that attempting to control the random thoughts that flash in and out at lightning speed might be a good idea. But sometimes when it comes to things you know you're not supposed to do, there's that one thing that you decide early on that you are going to do despite it all. (I am an expert at this at work. I suppose that somehow it has lodged into my belief system that certain rules simply don't apply to me! This calls for further reflection.) Anyway, that's how I long regarded the advice to leave cares and concerns at the door : I wasn't leaving my cares or concerns anywhere! In fact, I was going to use this 70 or 90 minute block of time to focus randomly and often from a negative angle on each and every one of them!
These days, I have come to realize, much as I stated yesterday that worrying is the worst thing I can do for my health, that nothing exhausts me more thoroughly than the monkey mind. For this reason, and a few others, I am growing a slow, steasy appreciation and respect for the cultivation of stillness of the mind. Focus. Concentration, the emptying of thoughts. Letting go.
It's a work in progress! More on this tpoic tomorrow, as well as a cool technique for improving concentration.
I was semi-aware somewhere in the back pf my mind that attempting to control the random thoughts that flash in and out at lightning speed might be a good idea. But sometimes when it comes to things you know you're not supposed to do, there's that one thing that you decide early on that you are going to do despite it all. (I am an expert at this at work. I suppose that somehow it has lodged into my belief system that certain rules simply don't apply to me! This calls for further reflection.) Anyway, that's how I long regarded the advice to leave cares and concerns at the door : I wasn't leaving my cares or concerns anywhere! In fact, I was going to use this 70 or 90 minute block of time to focus randomly and often from a negative angle on each and every one of them!
These days, I have come to realize, much as I stated yesterday that worrying is the worst thing I can do for my health, that nothing exhausts me more thoroughly than the monkey mind. For this reason, and a few others, I am growing a slow, steasy appreciation and respect for the cultivation of stillness of the mind. Focus. Concentration, the emptying of thoughts. Letting go.
It's a work in progress! More on this tpoic tomorrow, as well as a cool technique for improving concentration.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Stress & Health
The other day I wrote a bit about hip openers, and how double pigeon was my favourite. Well, I've come a long way since then, and I've realized that double pigeon is probably the most intense hip opener there is, and it doesn't make much sense to do it in isolation, unless one really doesn't have time for anything else. Today, I held a standing, high, and low lunge on each side for 30 seconds per stretch. Then I put each of my legs up on the high sink one at a time and stretched again. Then I did the Bikram-style tree on either side. Only then did I do double pigeon; it was so much smoother! The whole routine took me under ten minutes, and my hips and lower back felt really great after.
Relieving tension in my hips is so important to me right now. Doing my own stretches as I feel inclined has become one of the most important parts of keeping myself well.
I am at a point where I can feel very good in my body if I do the right things: that is, drink enough water, get enough sleep, stretch the right way, do yoga, do other physical activity, and - most importantly - breathe through any and all stressful moments and not allow myself for longer than a split second to tense up. I have realized at the age of 35 that tensing up in stressful moments and/or not taking necessary measures to stay calm is the absolute worst thing I can do for my health. I know this on a deep, intuitive level, and nothing - NOTHING - written in any medical text could ever convince me otherwise. This is why I think it is such bullshit when people cite smoking, alcohol, food, the environment, lifestyle, genetics, bad luck, etc. as the only major factors when illness occurs in the body. Don't get me wrong, these things are all significant. But what could matter more than when stress and fear instead of fulfillment and happiness overtake the body?
Nothing!
One more thing I have to say on this topic that is really important, and I feel that I am something of an authority on the subject because I am quite prone to stress and fear and methods of coping, is that the big New Age 3: yoga, meditation, and positive thinking, DO help ... But ultimately, there's something far more important: figuring out how you really feel, who you really are, and expressing that 100% no holds barred.
I read a very important message from a man who's been teaching yoga for over 40 years: (Tony Crisp - google him, he's got some amazing stuff on his website): he says that these 3 activties can actually maek a person worse, because if there are real things in your life, from your past or that are happening right now, or what have you, that are causing you to experience negative emotion, and you use say, positive thinking, to help you feel better, what you could actually be doing is pushing a reaction that needs to be expressed into your subconscious, where it is liable to rot and poison you. This resonated as very, very significant to me, because recently I've been unearthing a lot of memories from my younger years that I've been feeling quite upset about. For many years, I've told myself to forgive and forget, to let the past go, and thoughts like that, and it does work. I'm not even saying that I don't want to think like that anymore, but I am concerned that this way of thinking does not actually heal the hurt. It goes on hurting beneath the surface. Similarly, you can feel glorious and relaxed for fleeting instances during meditation, and certainly relaxed and grand physically after a yoga class, but these are temporary states that don't necessarily lead a person directly to a satisfactory level of being. And then you look around and see your life is basically perfect, but you can't figure out why for the life of you, that deep happiness that you've caught in glimpses and glimmers, is totally out of reach, and a lack of satisfaction, of fulfillment, continues to prevail. The power of the subconscious!
I do believe that there are good and effective ways of bringing negative emotions, stored hurts, and painful memories, to the surface, and facing them properly and perhaps neutralizing them, and I think that yoga, meditation, and positive thinking can be wonderfully beneficial as part of that process. But I'm not sure about the right way to do that yet. Tony Crisp says these practices can be seen as suppressing our true inclinations, of controlling ourselves, and that this can have consequences in the form of paranoia, phobias, depression, etc. I had never looked at it that way before, but as I said, it does resonate with me. I certainly think there's something to be said for sitting in your room alone and doing your own little yoga/dance/meditation/stretching/crying/ laughing/taking a short nap when you want to routine!
Just some food for thought.
Relieving tension in my hips is so important to me right now. Doing my own stretches as I feel inclined has become one of the most important parts of keeping myself well.
I am at a point where I can feel very good in my body if I do the right things: that is, drink enough water, get enough sleep, stretch the right way, do yoga, do other physical activity, and - most importantly - breathe through any and all stressful moments and not allow myself for longer than a split second to tense up. I have realized at the age of 35 that tensing up in stressful moments and/or not taking necessary measures to stay calm is the absolute worst thing I can do for my health. I know this on a deep, intuitive level, and nothing - NOTHING - written in any medical text could ever convince me otherwise. This is why I think it is such bullshit when people cite smoking, alcohol, food, the environment, lifestyle, genetics, bad luck, etc. as the only major factors when illness occurs in the body. Don't get me wrong, these things are all significant. But what could matter more than when stress and fear instead of fulfillment and happiness overtake the body?
Nothing!
One more thing I have to say on this topic that is really important, and I feel that I am something of an authority on the subject because I am quite prone to stress and fear and methods of coping, is that the big New Age 3: yoga, meditation, and positive thinking, DO help ... But ultimately, there's something far more important: figuring out how you really feel, who you really are, and expressing that 100% no holds barred.
I read a very important message from a man who's been teaching yoga for over 40 years: (Tony Crisp - google him, he's got some amazing stuff on his website): he says that these 3 activties can actually maek a person worse, because if there are real things in your life, from your past or that are happening right now, or what have you, that are causing you to experience negative emotion, and you use say, positive thinking, to help you feel better, what you could actually be doing is pushing a reaction that needs to be expressed into your subconscious, where it is liable to rot and poison you. This resonated as very, very significant to me, because recently I've been unearthing a lot of memories from my younger years that I've been feeling quite upset about. For many years, I've told myself to forgive and forget, to let the past go, and thoughts like that, and it does work. I'm not even saying that I don't want to think like that anymore, but I am concerned that this way of thinking does not actually heal the hurt. It goes on hurting beneath the surface. Similarly, you can feel glorious and relaxed for fleeting instances during meditation, and certainly relaxed and grand physically after a yoga class, but these are temporary states that don't necessarily lead a person directly to a satisfactory level of being. And then you look around and see your life is basically perfect, but you can't figure out why for the life of you, that deep happiness that you've caught in glimpses and glimmers, is totally out of reach, and a lack of satisfaction, of fulfillment, continues to prevail. The power of the subconscious!
I do believe that there are good and effective ways of bringing negative emotions, stored hurts, and painful memories, to the surface, and facing them properly and perhaps neutralizing them, and I think that yoga, meditation, and positive thinking can be wonderfully beneficial as part of that process. But I'm not sure about the right way to do that yet. Tony Crisp says these practices can be seen as suppressing our true inclinations, of controlling ourselves, and that this can have consequences in the form of paranoia, phobias, depression, etc. I had never looked at it that way before, but as I said, it does resonate with me. I certainly think there's something to be said for sitting in your room alone and doing your own little yoga/dance/meditation/stretching/crying/ laughing/taking a short nap when you want to routine!
Just some food for thought.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Flexibility
Mine comes and goes, especially my hamstrings. Did I say I had tight hips? I meant hamstrings!
I meant ... shoulders.
I meant ... spine. Can one even have a "tight" spine?
If there's anything on the body that can be tight, I've got that body part, and believe me, it's tight!
I took a visit to Science World this summer and there was this 'touch your toes' measure of flexibility thingy where you sit back against a little metal backrest, and then reach forward real quick and touch, to see how many centimetres forward you can reach. For my age category, it said my flexibility was a bit better than average, I think. In the world of yoga, that doesn't translate as all that impressive. I don't remember if my flexibility was at peak form on that day or not, but my hamstrings are very touch and go. Most times, if I take class first thing in the morning, I won't be able to touch my toes, at least not without a class worth of stretching. Looking around the room sometimes, I marvel at how open the young yoginis are. I feel you can really tell who has had a long history of bending their body, and it leaves me feeling rather regretful that I wasn't able to pursue something marvellous such as gymnastics or ballet as a child, some form of dance (or anything at all, really). Instead, I'm stuck with a body that really do much besides walk until the age of 24! Seriously. I realize that I'm better off than a lot of people, and I'm thankful towards myself and grateful for my natural physiology, but... One interesting thing is that one of our yoga teachers has told me repeatedly that I am very flexible naturally, but it would seem in areas of my body that aren't as obvious, such as my knees. What does it even mean to have knee flexibility? Great?!
Anyway, speaking of teachers, it really can hard when I've been practicing for such a long time, and feeling like if they see me on one of my off days, and I feel that well, they're going to think that I don't have a very impressive practice. And, if only they'd seen me practicing two nights ago! Then they would easily be able to see how hard I work in yoga! I know it sounds silly as heck, but someone's gotta say it. I don't buy into it when teachers go on and on about it not being a competition, and not to judge yourself, etc. I just find it annoying, and not helpful at all. I wish they would just acknowledge that sometimes it IS a freaking competition and it's not as easy as 1-2-3 to let that go in your mind. Besides, easy for people with a beautiful practice to say. I mean, I absolutely, 100% agree that one should go easy on oneself and be satisfied with one's best, no matter what that is, it's just that one can't very well be expected to say to oneself "Stop caring" and be done with it. Just as anyone loves a compliment, we also tend to take it personally when one of our goofs are observed. It's the basic psychology that drives the human race towards constant betterment. Without this psychological factor, we honestly wouldn't be able to make progress in our various endeavours.
Anyway, it doesn't happen all the time that I get bummed out if I'm having an off class. Some days I'm more tender and vulnerable. Others I actually don't give a shit. The whole world can see me sitting on my mat, or giving what appears to be bare minimum effort, but what is genuinely my very best at that moment.
I meant ... shoulders.
I meant ... spine. Can one even have a "tight" spine?
If there's anything on the body that can be tight, I've got that body part, and believe me, it's tight!
I took a visit to Science World this summer and there was this 'touch your toes' measure of flexibility thingy where you sit back against a little metal backrest, and then reach forward real quick and touch, to see how many centimetres forward you can reach. For my age category, it said my flexibility was a bit better than average, I think. In the world of yoga, that doesn't translate as all that impressive. I don't remember if my flexibility was at peak form on that day or not, but my hamstrings are very touch and go. Most times, if I take class first thing in the morning, I won't be able to touch my toes, at least not without a class worth of stretching. Looking around the room sometimes, I marvel at how open the young yoginis are. I feel you can really tell who has had a long history of bending their body, and it leaves me feeling rather regretful that I wasn't able to pursue something marvellous such as gymnastics or ballet as a child, some form of dance (or anything at all, really). Instead, I'm stuck with a body that really do much besides walk until the age of 24! Seriously. I realize that I'm better off than a lot of people, and I'm thankful towards myself and grateful for my natural physiology, but... One interesting thing is that one of our yoga teachers has told me repeatedly that I am very flexible naturally, but it would seem in areas of my body that aren't as obvious, such as my knees. What does it even mean to have knee flexibility? Great?!
Anyway, speaking of teachers, it really can hard when I've been practicing for such a long time, and feeling like if they see me on one of my off days, and I feel that well, they're going to think that I don't have a very impressive practice. And, if only they'd seen me practicing two nights ago! Then they would easily be able to see how hard I work in yoga! I know it sounds silly as heck, but someone's gotta say it. I don't buy into it when teachers go on and on about it not being a competition, and not to judge yourself, etc. I just find it annoying, and not helpful at all. I wish they would just acknowledge that sometimes it IS a freaking competition and it's not as easy as 1-2-3 to let that go in your mind. Besides, easy for people with a beautiful practice to say. I mean, I absolutely, 100% agree that one should go easy on oneself and be satisfied with one's best, no matter what that is, it's just that one can't very well be expected to say to oneself "Stop caring" and be done with it. Just as anyone loves a compliment, we also tend to take it personally when one of our goofs are observed. It's the basic psychology that drives the human race towards constant betterment. Without this psychological factor, we honestly wouldn't be able to make progress in our various endeavours.
Anyway, it doesn't happen all the time that I get bummed out if I'm having an off class. Some days I'm more tender and vulnerable. Others I actually don't give a shit. The whole world can see me sitting on my mat, or giving what appears to be bare minimum effort, but what is genuinely my very best at that moment.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Great Hip Opener
One thing that I must say about the Bikram yoga program is that although there are quite a few hip openers, it's simply not enough for my tight hips. Some people carry tension in their hips; I, on the other hand, positively wedge every single worry, fear, and stress I've ever had deep into my hip sockets! Postures like Tree & Wind-removing pose feel great, but they end too soon. In addition, I suppose I still haven't figured out precisely what adjustments I should be making or where I really need to hold back a bit, but the series itself, if I practice as often as I like to, (every other day) continues to aggravate my sacrum area & lower back on and off, and I feel this may either result in or be a result of toght hips.
I tend to forget completely about hip openers until I'm writhimg on the floor in pain (well, almost), which is to say I'll do a routine for a while and then just forget about it completely, probably because my body starts to feel good again so sunconsciously I feel like I don't need it anymore.
Anyway, In order for me to get the relief I seek, I have a couple of standby's that really make a difference and provide me enormous relief. I'll start with the most effective hip opener I've ever tried, and then go on from there:
Double Pigeon
This involves bending one leg in front of you at a 90 degree angle, so that your calf is straight & directly in front of your body., and then stacking the other leg on top of it. Hold for 30 seconds to 5 minutes, and then switch which leg is on top. If possible, bend forward and try to drap your upper torso over the legs.
Sometimes this is such a release and a relief for me that I almost cry or at the very least, bizarre moans & cries escape my lips. It's pretty powerful, and very effective. I'd somehow forgotten about this stretch for months, but recently started doing it again a few times a day, and it feels fantastic. My hips feels a lot more open and tension free. It has an effect on the emotional well-being also, which is really important.
I tend to forget completely about hip openers until I'm writhimg on the floor in pain (well, almost), which is to say I'll do a routine for a while and then just forget about it completely, probably because my body starts to feel good again so sunconsciously I feel like I don't need it anymore.
Anyway, In order for me to get the relief I seek, I have a couple of standby's that really make a difference and provide me enormous relief. I'll start with the most effective hip opener I've ever tried, and then go on from there:
Double Pigeon
This involves bending one leg in front of you at a 90 degree angle, so that your calf is straight & directly in front of your body., and then stacking the other leg on top of it. Hold for 30 seconds to 5 minutes, and then switch which leg is on top. If possible, bend forward and try to drap your upper torso over the legs.
Sometimes this is such a release and a relief for me that I almost cry or at the very least, bizarre moans & cries escape my lips. It's pretty powerful, and very effective. I'd somehow forgotten about this stretch for months, but recently started doing it again a few times a day, and it feels fantastic. My hips feels a lot more open and tension free. It has an effect on the emotional well-being also, which is really important.
Friday, October 25, 2013
Genuine Feelings
I pondered today what I'd written yesterday evening about alcohol-free living, and realized that I might not have properly emphasized my ultimate goal in all of this, which is to realize happiness from within! And also, to focus my energies on finding states / situations that provide me much higher levels of fulfillment and satisfaction than the rather false sense of those things that drugs and alcohol (and to some degree, food and other addictive substances & activities) can provide.
Anyway! I am trying to write daily on this blog.
So, I made the realization today that when you perceive that a person likes you, you'll forgive them for things you might not otherwise. What allowed me this thought was observing my current boss during a staff meeting this afternoon, and noting that she was actually quite similar in her approach to the job as a boss I'd had a few years back. The thing is, I like my current boss a lot, whereas my previous boss was the ultimate reason I quit that job. Primarily, I felt that I didn't like the way she handled her administrative role and that side of things within our workplace. Also, I always felt this undercurrent of mild disapproval when we interacted with each other, like she didn't like the way I did my work. Because I was not willing to change, this caused a bit of a clash between us. This type of employee/boss relationship might have been sustainable for someone else, but I don't deal well with criticism or visible disapproval of any kind. It's a real challenge for me, especially at work, of course, and I'm often worried in different situations that I'm going to "get into trouble." I seem to have this need to feel like I've done everything perfectly and that I am perfectly approved of, or at least that it seem that way. (Something I'm working on.)
Anyway, my current boss hasn't really been given the chance to see my downfalls on the job, (for instance, my tendencies towards being wildly disorganized!) as I'm quite new on this contract, and so far have been on my best behaviour. Not only that, I should say, but I am rather competent and likeable in general, and in what I do for work, thankfully. At work, I generally expect that people like me and approve of me, although naturally that isn't always the case, and I accept that. I just try to avoid those people when I can, which is hard to do when they're your boss! Generally I have always liked bosses that trust that you can do your job properly and just leave you alone. That being said, at the other school I work for, I am almost completely left alone, to the point where I feel unsupported; and actually, I have come to realize, I don't like that, either. A boss that can find a good balance in this regard is quite valuable indeed, I would say!
So, I am trying to sincerely figure out whether I genuinely like this girl or not - I think that I do, but I couldn't help but notice that her approach to the job is very similar to my previous boss's. I suppose is what got me thinking down this line. There's also the fact that she clearly likes me, and has been willing to do things to help me. Anyway, I guess I'd just like to take this chance to set my intention up to like her for being her, and not mainly because she approves of me or can help me out!
Anyway! I am trying to write daily on this blog.
So, I made the realization today that when you perceive that a person likes you, you'll forgive them for things you might not otherwise. What allowed me this thought was observing my current boss during a staff meeting this afternoon, and noting that she was actually quite similar in her approach to the job as a boss I'd had a few years back. The thing is, I like my current boss a lot, whereas my previous boss was the ultimate reason I quit that job. Primarily, I felt that I didn't like the way she handled her administrative role and that side of things within our workplace. Also, I always felt this undercurrent of mild disapproval when we interacted with each other, like she didn't like the way I did my work. Because I was not willing to change, this caused a bit of a clash between us. This type of employee/boss relationship might have been sustainable for someone else, but I don't deal well with criticism or visible disapproval of any kind. It's a real challenge for me, especially at work, of course, and I'm often worried in different situations that I'm going to "get into trouble." I seem to have this need to feel like I've done everything perfectly and that I am perfectly approved of, or at least that it seem that way. (Something I'm working on.)
Anyway, my current boss hasn't really been given the chance to see my downfalls on the job, (for instance, my tendencies towards being wildly disorganized!) as I'm quite new on this contract, and so far have been on my best behaviour. Not only that, I should say, but I am rather competent and likeable in general, and in what I do for work, thankfully. At work, I generally expect that people like me and approve of me, although naturally that isn't always the case, and I accept that. I just try to avoid those people when I can, which is hard to do when they're your boss! Generally I have always liked bosses that trust that you can do your job properly and just leave you alone. That being said, at the other school I work for, I am almost completely left alone, to the point where I feel unsupported; and actually, I have come to realize, I don't like that, either. A boss that can find a good balance in this regard is quite valuable indeed, I would say!
So, I am trying to sincerely figure out whether I genuinely like this girl or not - I think that I do, but I couldn't help but notice that her approach to the job is very similar to my previous boss's. I suppose is what got me thinking down this line. There's also the fact that she clearly likes me, and has been willing to do things to help me. Anyway, I guess I'd just like to take this chance to set my intention up to like her for being her, and not mainly because she approves of me or can help me out!
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Lifestyle Adjusts
At this time in my life, I am choosing to abstain from drinking any alcohol. Alcohol makes me feel bad physically -- this is my most basic answer for why. If I have more than a couple of drinks, more than a couple of times a week, for an extended period of time, I am prone to more than just a hangover. I feel pain in my body. I get rashes. I get down in the dumps. I feel unwell.
This is not the first time I've taken a complete break, but this has been the longest, and as week after week goes by (not to mention weekend after weekend) I feel more and more like I might be making a permanent change to my way of living. I'm not saying that beer or wine or anything else will never touch my lips again.. But I believe that if and when I do go back, it will be from a different angle, a new perspective. I have made some important realizations about the role of alcohol in our society, and in the lives of those around me, and it's become clear to me that I have been ready for a major change in my lifestyle for a long time now.
I think that one's relationship to alcohol is a very personal thing, and would say more or less that alcohol is not a very big deal to many people. I wouldn't necessarily classify this according to how much or how often a person drinks, but more in terms of how attached they are to drinking. A person who might go weeks and weeks without a drink and barely notice would be someone like this, even if over another period of time during that same year, they actually drank quite a lot.
I have never really been this type of person. It has become easier and easier for me to drink less as I've gotten older, that is per night and also nights per week/month (thank God), but there were still many nights - this year, even! - where I went way overboard.
Healthwise, that is not great, and I think that we all know that, but that's not even what concerns me about my own relationship to alcohol, in retrospect. More insidious than amount or frequency is the realization that many times, during a stressful day at work, or boring week night at home, I would find myself really looking forward to some event coming up like a party, dinner, or get-together. In my mind I would sort of be saying, "It's all right, you'll get through this, and pretty soon you'll be out having a good time and all will be well again." That is normal enough, isn't it? I think that is the way a lot of us think. However, during the past few months I have not been drinking at all, and I find that I don't look forward to social events NEARLY as much. At first I thought that this was merely part of a period of adjustment that I was making, but truthfully, it hasn't gotten any better. And I've come to the point where I must be honest with myself and admit that the bulk of my social life and social connections consisted of people and events that aren't much worth looking forward to without alcohol. For me, this is terribly significant, and it's caused me to re-evaluate ALL of my relationships, and in fact the structure of my entire life, and what I believe makes me happy.
During this time, certain friends of mine have almost completely dropped off my radar. I don't even think of these people anymore. Other people like co-workers and acquaintances, and peoples' partners that I've never cared for - well, I wouldn't dream of spending time with anyone I don't like unless I absolutely had to. Afterwork invitations to a pub and dinners at expensive restaurants where I don't particularly care for the food? Not a chance. It sounds crazy, but I feel like it has only been over the past few months that I have really even been able to properly get in touch with what I like doing and who I like being around! How could I have not been clear on these important issues?!
The way I'm making it sound, one would think all I ever did was throw back drinks, but that honestly wasn't the case. It's just that drinking alcohol is so pleasurable for me (at least some of the time) that it has had me saying yes to all kinds of situations and activities that I wouldn't really find all that enticing, and also -- the way I got through situations that I didn't find particularly fulfilling or enjoyable was by placing my awareness in the future, at some up and coming fun time when I would be drinking, or relaxing at home by myself, which has always been the most pleasurable thing I can think of. But one can't spend all of their time in isolation.
Oh, man.
Anyway, the bottom line is, this experiment of mine is at the very least opening up doors for different kinds of activities, such as qigong, meditations & spiritual groups, and open water winter swimming, as well as new friendships, and new friendship dynamics. I've got to admit, I still don't find life as fun and pleasurable without the aid of alcohol, but I see that as everything BUT a reason to get back off the wagon. I see this as a chance to get to know myself better, to see who and what really makes me tick, and to find that pleasure and enjoyment within myself. I think some people go a lifetime without ever fully engaging themselves. That's not what I want for my life.
This is not the first time I've taken a complete break, but this has been the longest, and as week after week goes by (not to mention weekend after weekend) I feel more and more like I might be making a permanent change to my way of living. I'm not saying that beer or wine or anything else will never touch my lips again.. But I believe that if and when I do go back, it will be from a different angle, a new perspective. I have made some important realizations about the role of alcohol in our society, and in the lives of those around me, and it's become clear to me that I have been ready for a major change in my lifestyle for a long time now.
I think that one's relationship to alcohol is a very personal thing, and would say more or less that alcohol is not a very big deal to many people. I wouldn't necessarily classify this according to how much or how often a person drinks, but more in terms of how attached they are to drinking. A person who might go weeks and weeks without a drink and barely notice would be someone like this, even if over another period of time during that same year, they actually drank quite a lot.
I have never really been this type of person. It has become easier and easier for me to drink less as I've gotten older, that is per night and also nights per week/month (thank God), but there were still many nights - this year, even! - where I went way overboard.
Healthwise, that is not great, and I think that we all know that, but that's not even what concerns me about my own relationship to alcohol, in retrospect. More insidious than amount or frequency is the realization that many times, during a stressful day at work, or boring week night at home, I would find myself really looking forward to some event coming up like a party, dinner, or get-together. In my mind I would sort of be saying, "It's all right, you'll get through this, and pretty soon you'll be out having a good time and all will be well again." That is normal enough, isn't it? I think that is the way a lot of us think. However, during the past few months I have not been drinking at all, and I find that I don't look forward to social events NEARLY as much. At first I thought that this was merely part of a period of adjustment that I was making, but truthfully, it hasn't gotten any better. And I've come to the point where I must be honest with myself and admit that the bulk of my social life and social connections consisted of people and events that aren't much worth looking forward to without alcohol. For me, this is terribly significant, and it's caused me to re-evaluate ALL of my relationships, and in fact the structure of my entire life, and what I believe makes me happy.
During this time, certain friends of mine have almost completely dropped off my radar. I don't even think of these people anymore. Other people like co-workers and acquaintances, and peoples' partners that I've never cared for - well, I wouldn't dream of spending time with anyone I don't like unless I absolutely had to. Afterwork invitations to a pub and dinners at expensive restaurants where I don't particularly care for the food? Not a chance. It sounds crazy, but I feel like it has only been over the past few months that I have really even been able to properly get in touch with what I like doing and who I like being around! How could I have not been clear on these important issues?!
The way I'm making it sound, one would think all I ever did was throw back drinks, but that honestly wasn't the case. It's just that drinking alcohol is so pleasurable for me (at least some of the time) that it has had me saying yes to all kinds of situations and activities that I wouldn't really find all that enticing, and also -- the way I got through situations that I didn't find particularly fulfilling or enjoyable was by placing my awareness in the future, at some up and coming fun time when I would be drinking, or relaxing at home by myself, which has always been the most pleasurable thing I can think of. But one can't spend all of their time in isolation.
Oh, man.
Anyway, the bottom line is, this experiment of mine is at the very least opening up doors for different kinds of activities, such as qigong, meditations & spiritual groups, and open water winter swimming, as well as new friendships, and new friendship dynamics. I've got to admit, I still don't find life as fun and pleasurable without the aid of alcohol, but I see that as everything BUT a reason to get back off the wagon. I see this as a chance to get to know myself better, to see who and what really makes me tick, and to find that pleasure and enjoyment within myself. I think some people go a lifetime without ever fully engaging themselves. That's not what I want for my life.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
List Tips
Random Bikram Yoga Tips:
1. Try to focus and stand still between postures. Sometimes I catch a glimpse or feel the energy of a person near me and they seem like someone waiting at a bus stop or in line at Starbucks in between postures. Do try to stand still and breathe evenly during the rest period! It makes a difference.
2. Try your best. There is a fine line between pushing yourself too far and selling yourself short. I have been walking that line for a while now, and I know mine pretty well. I think that a lot of people, even those who have been coming for years, have no concept of what they are actually capable of. You can always do more than you think you can do.
3. Don't kick out on a bent knee during Standing Head to Knee. One line of dialogue that bugs me is "As a beginner..." Um, define beginner. Some people will never be able to kick out, at least not every class, at least without personal coaching. I see so many people kicking out on a bent knee despite the fact that you are told repeatedly not to. Something needs to be done about this.
4. Know that each and every time you do things "your way" and not as you're instructed, you are risking real and lasting injury. It is never worth it.
5. You cannot wrench yourself into posture further than your current level of flexibility will allow, without serious consequences that would at best negate the positive effects of maintaining the practice in the first place, or worse, a ghastly injury. Balance!
6. Don't wipe your sweat. What on earth would you do that for? What an interference to your practice. This just seems absurd to me now.
7. Don't give your yoga clothes a quick rinse (as opposed to a proper wash) in the shower and then just wear them again the next class. This omits a bad odor into the room and it's unpleasant.
8. Try (if your schedule allows, which mine often hasn't) to get there early and relax before the class starts. Go in slow, not rushed. A yoga teacher from a different school advised me that doing pranayama breathing before postures is considered a bad idea because whatever state you're in at the time you do pranayama breathing, it will become magnified. By the reasoning of this school of yoga, at least 7 postures should be performed before any breathing exercise. I can see some truth to this. It's food for thought, anyway.
9. Just because you did yoga doesn't mean you can pig out, especially if weightloss is a goal. In fact, if weightloss is your primary goal, I would not increase caloric intake on your practice days AT ALL.
10. A teacher once told me that as you progress in your practice, which teacher is leading the class will matter less and less. I have mixed feelings on this. I really do think that some teachers are so bad or difficult to be near, there is the possibility that unless you are capable of advanced states of focus, they can truly rob you of your peace. There are teachers whose classes I just won't take, even if that's the only class I can fit into my schedule that day. That's just how I feel at this time in my life. Anyway, the bottom line is that classes are expensive and you should enjoy yourself, so don't try to convince yourself you like someone you just don't jive with. Know that great teachers are out there, probably at your studio, and for some people, they make all the difference in the world.
Peace~
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Teaching. Learning. Life.
Well, it's been a little while, but I'm still holding my own over at my local Bikram yoga studio (actually, not my local studio! I drive half an hour to go to my favourite one, my home studio near my mom and dad's house, and more on that in a later blog) and my practice has grown more magnificent, stronger than ever before. I'm very pleased about this, not to mention proud of myself, and ever-enamoured of the power and simplicity of this extraordinary sequence of postures done in the heated room.
But in terms of talking about the yoga, here at this blog, specifically, I think what I've really got to do if I'm ever going to be successful is just stop censoring myself in terms of what I say/critique, stop being concerned about who I might offend, and let open the flood gates! Hatha yoga, the practice itself, is a dialogue between the physical body and God, one might say, if one were spiritually or religiously inclined, though one needn't be to practice, of course. I once heard a yoga teacher say it was a 'dance for God', which I found very touching. So, there is a sense in which one may not speak of it at all. There are many aspects of my spiritual development, and my growth as a human being, that are simply impossible to put into words, and I accept the necessity of that condition of our humanity. However, we are creatures blessed with a voice, and a major part of our experience here on planet Earth is verbally reviewing and recording what happens, through conversation, reflection, the written word, etc. So, I must be honest now. I am 35 years old, and I am allowed to say how I really feel without fear of punishment. For goodness' sake!
I'd like to start by saying that throughout my exploration of what is true in this world, what is worth knowing, I have long had a distrust of teachers. Why? Well, it all began in elementary school, where I observed the squelching of children's natural talents and inclinations, alongside the enforcement of some very silly rules and methods of doing things, and felt from a very young age that there was just this element of foolishness that went against the natural order of things. I also thought long and hard about why I disliked each teacher at my school - and unfortunately, I disliked all of them - and it was a long journey admitting in my heart that it wasn't just a cliche to 'hate your teacher', that my concerns - as a child and now as an adult - were legitimate, and that there were actually reasons why these people were not cut out for the job. Let me explore this for a moment.
Most importantly, the major problem is that there are teachers and people in charge in this world that are mean-spirited. Cruel. Sadistic. Teachers that take obvious joy in embarrassing and shaming children for any reason they happen to fancy at the moment, teachers that belittle students and deliberately make them feel that they were worthless, or beyond hope, and teachers that regularly and easily lose their temper, scream and yell, and even throw things across the room. Not to be dramatic, but at my elementary school back in the 80s, this was just the tip of the iceberg, and I'm sure many can relate - well, this is what millions of adults witnessed on a daily basis throughout our elementary school years, and now we have a billion dollar industry trying to figure out why we struggle so much. How could we turn a blind eye to the practice of allowing mean-spirited people to teach at elementary schools? This is simply baffling to me, and who can argue that this has absolutely been the case, possibly at most elementary schools throughout history, even? It is no wonder to me that the most recent generations of parents have become so 'problematic' for teachers. I understand that sometimes parents (with all of their faults and poor parenting skills) cannot accept that their children have ever done anything wrong, and may be overly inclined to blame the teacher or the school. I also know from firsthand experience that some kids just exhibit difficult behaviour (that is to put it nicely) for no discernible reason, or at least no reason that can be helped, such as divorce, or a move, etc. But it is plain to see that people who have been adults for a long time do not forget the shitty aspects of our schooldays, and when I think of someone talking to my little niece the way I was spoken to, I feel something protective inside of me being triggered that has the potential to rip this universe another black hole. Even my grandparents remembered vividly going through even worse (much worse, actually), and I don't doubt that part of the reason many in this world are disinclined towards higher education is because of horrible teachers.
What a crime. Seriously. If you teach children in any capacity, please take a moment to respect the enormity of your responsibility. Accept the reality that being unfair even ONE time, for one decision, has the potential to etch itself in the heart and memory of a precious child until their last day on this planet. You have that kind of power. Use it as you will.
Next were teachers, as well as administrative staff, who were not necessarily mean-spirited, but definitely didn't like children, or may have at one time, but were burned out. (I can sympathize with the spirit-crushing condition of burnout, and realize as an adult that workers in myriad fields have to suffer through this phenomenon with no viable recourse available to them, but that's another topic.) Intermingled among the meanies and the haters, there were the teachers who were just not very smart. I recall on many an occasion, sitting there in my desk, a B/C student, easily able to recognize the gaps in their knowledge - and feeling slighted for it! Finally, the least offensive of all, but still not the key ingredient in fond memories, were the teachers were who I just didn't like for personal reasons: the dull, the abrasive, the obtuse. Good riddance to you all! I thought. But now, over 20 years on, I appreciate the impact that these people have had on who I am and how I view the world, and most importantly, just how valuable a good teacher really is. Which is the topic of this blog.
I should say for anyone that may be pitying me now, that despite the shenanigans of this group of wayward adults, who essentially raised me from the ages of 4-12, I still had a good time, and I would say overall that my experience at elementary school was quite positive. It just took a long period of recovery to realize that learning could actually be worthwhile, given the right material, presented in the right way, by the right teacher. (For this reason, I give the lot of them a gigantic F! Or at best a C-) Anyway, I got glimpses of what learning COULD be during high school, but to be honest, the situation there wasn't much better. The major problem for me with high school was the material being taught, the method of teaching (sanctioned by the government, the universities that trained these individuals, the institution of education itself, and whatever other powers that be). And, as is the case in many average Catholic schools, most of the teachers at my high school were just ok. I have always been an enthusiastic person, bright, and very curious, yet I spent the vast majority of time in those desks utterly uninspired. Bored. Distracted. Annoyed. Very few of my teachers recognized my potential for what it really was, and I was told repeatedly that it was ME, that my attitude and performance were strictly a result of me being a bad student, or even a dumb person. I truly believed that for many years. In fact, it became a key component of my identity.
Holy crap. What a lie!
So, for quite a long time, and even up until now, most of my learning has come from books, and from life experience itself. I have been practicing yoga and exploring philosophy (my university major, and don't even get me started on what a bore that was, even though I chose that subject specifically as it was literally the only thing that really piqued my interest) for many years now, but I am still unable to adequately manage my stress, and achieve the level of success I know that I am capable of. This is not for lack of trying. Something is missing, and I truly believe that a lack of guidance is a factor.
Thus, my desire for a real, living teacher has reached a zenith as of late. I'm tired of reading books. Books are a modern invention. Teachers, leaders, elders ... they're as old as humanity itself. Do you have any idea how many books I've read in my life? I know so much on certain topics that I can't even find anyone on my same level of knowledge to have a conversation with. I have to put an ad on craigslist and join Meet-up, and still I can't find anybody! In fact, my brain is so full of facts that I have had to put a halt on learning from books, and instead have imposed a rule of mandatory, daily TV, which I never did in the past. That's right: I am doing the opposite of trying to cut back on TV.
I don't think this is the only way to relax my mind and enjoy myself when I'm alone, but this is something that has been working very well for me for about three weeks, so I have no plan of stopping anytime soon.
Anyway, how does all of this relate to yoga? Well, the truth of the matter is, I love what yoga has done for my health and for my mind, but I am still stressed out and my back has not yet healed completely. I want a real, live teacher. I feel there's more, much more to all of this, and I can only grasp it in glimpses and glimmers. Some say that what I am looking for can only be derived through meditation; however, I am not satisfied with what I have been able to glean so far on the proper way to meditate. So I'll say it again: I want a teacher. A teacher I can trust.
Also, I am tired of being annoyed so frequently; I try to be open, accepting, respectful, give people the benefit of the doubt, etc, but I am reaching my limit for the fools spouting nonsense I encounter in the modern, western world of yoga. That is actually what brought me to Bikram yoga in the first place: I actually DO trust Bikram's system, and I am indebted to him for establishing his yoga franchise, which has ensured that the timed sequence of his series in the hot room has not been altered to its complete detriment. Around the world, thousands of people are increasing their vitality through this practice, and I am among them. I deeply appreciate the no-nonsense factor, and how could there be a shred of doubt in my mind that this practice (when carried out PROPERLY) promotes health and vitality, when I have over a thousand classes under my belt to solidify my stance on this issue? I certainly don't need a double-blind, peer reviewed study to tell me that this stuff works! (For the record, I don't give the tiniest shit about almost anything that science reports on health: virtually everything that modern science tells us through their "studies" regarding healthy living could have been easily confirmed by people living thousands of years ago, or uneducated villagers the world over, if you don't have a time machine. For me, modern science is an excellent example of bad teaching, and I am prepared to back that up logically.)
To get back on topic: after 7 and a half years of careful observation, it is my opinion that even this precious system of Bikram Yoga © is indeed being tainted by fools. Not only that, but from the stories I've heard, Bikram himself seems to be suffering from a kind of mental disorder, a sort of 'east meets west' syndrome. With these factors present, the system is perpetuated, and new teachers are trained sufficiently, but a sickness pervades it all, and I find it disturbing. It needs to be shaken up in a big way, because this is clearly not the same man or the same practice as it was when it was first put into motion. Thankfully, there are many fine studio owners, teachers, and practitioners keeping its vital essence alive, but there's a lot wrong here, and a new aim of this blog is to call attention to it. Because it's wrong, and the people of this Earth in 2013 need some serious guidance. I am a teacher, too, (not a yoga teacher by training, mind you) and I'm not perfect, but I am a critical thinker and I have a lot of experience. I'm just going to do my part here. Take what you can.
Meanwhile, I am also ready for my teacher, a real person to guide me through physical, spiritual practice and development, in order to sustain a healthy body and mind, well into old age. I don't know if I can find this in the world of yoga, as it is available to me, and I know I can't find it through books, or personal practice alone. I am currently exploring the world of Chinese medicine, as well as religious and spiritual practice that is Western in origin, and I would like to incorporate some of these learnings into the blog as well.
Join me, why don't you!
But in terms of talking about the yoga, here at this blog, specifically, I think what I've really got to do if I'm ever going to be successful is just stop censoring myself in terms of what I say/critique, stop being concerned about who I might offend, and let open the flood gates! Hatha yoga, the practice itself, is a dialogue between the physical body and God, one might say, if one were spiritually or religiously inclined, though one needn't be to practice, of course. I once heard a yoga teacher say it was a 'dance for God', which I found very touching. So, there is a sense in which one may not speak of it at all. There are many aspects of my spiritual development, and my growth as a human being, that are simply impossible to put into words, and I accept the necessity of that condition of our humanity. However, we are creatures blessed with a voice, and a major part of our experience here on planet Earth is verbally reviewing and recording what happens, through conversation, reflection, the written word, etc. So, I must be honest now. I am 35 years old, and I am allowed to say how I really feel without fear of punishment. For goodness' sake!
I'd like to start by saying that throughout my exploration of what is true in this world, what is worth knowing, I have long had a distrust of teachers. Why? Well, it all began in elementary school, where I observed the squelching of children's natural talents and inclinations, alongside the enforcement of some very silly rules and methods of doing things, and felt from a very young age that there was just this element of foolishness that went against the natural order of things. I also thought long and hard about why I disliked each teacher at my school - and unfortunately, I disliked all of them - and it was a long journey admitting in my heart that it wasn't just a cliche to 'hate your teacher', that my concerns - as a child and now as an adult - were legitimate, and that there were actually reasons why these people were not cut out for the job. Let me explore this for a moment.
Most importantly, the major problem is that there are teachers and people in charge in this world that are mean-spirited. Cruel. Sadistic. Teachers that take obvious joy in embarrassing and shaming children for any reason they happen to fancy at the moment, teachers that belittle students and deliberately make them feel that they were worthless, or beyond hope, and teachers that regularly and easily lose their temper, scream and yell, and even throw things across the room. Not to be dramatic, but at my elementary school back in the 80s, this was just the tip of the iceberg, and I'm sure many can relate - well, this is what millions of adults witnessed on a daily basis throughout our elementary school years, and now we have a billion dollar industry trying to figure out why we struggle so much. How could we turn a blind eye to the practice of allowing mean-spirited people to teach at elementary schools? This is simply baffling to me, and who can argue that this has absolutely been the case, possibly at most elementary schools throughout history, even? It is no wonder to me that the most recent generations of parents have become so 'problematic' for teachers. I understand that sometimes parents (with all of their faults and poor parenting skills) cannot accept that their children have ever done anything wrong, and may be overly inclined to blame the teacher or the school. I also know from firsthand experience that some kids just exhibit difficult behaviour (that is to put it nicely) for no discernible reason, or at least no reason that can be helped, such as divorce, or a move, etc. But it is plain to see that people who have been adults for a long time do not forget the shitty aspects of our schooldays, and when I think of someone talking to my little niece the way I was spoken to, I feel something protective inside of me being triggered that has the potential to rip this universe another black hole. Even my grandparents remembered vividly going through even worse (much worse, actually), and I don't doubt that part of the reason many in this world are disinclined towards higher education is because of horrible teachers.
What a crime. Seriously. If you teach children in any capacity, please take a moment to respect the enormity of your responsibility. Accept the reality that being unfair even ONE time, for one decision, has the potential to etch itself in the heart and memory of a precious child until their last day on this planet. You have that kind of power. Use it as you will.
Next were teachers, as well as administrative staff, who were not necessarily mean-spirited, but definitely didn't like children, or may have at one time, but were burned out. (I can sympathize with the spirit-crushing condition of burnout, and realize as an adult that workers in myriad fields have to suffer through this phenomenon with no viable recourse available to them, but that's another topic.) Intermingled among the meanies and the haters, there were the teachers who were just not very smart. I recall on many an occasion, sitting there in my desk, a B/C student, easily able to recognize the gaps in their knowledge - and feeling slighted for it! Finally, the least offensive of all, but still not the key ingredient in fond memories, were the teachers were who I just didn't like for personal reasons: the dull, the abrasive, the obtuse. Good riddance to you all! I thought. But now, over 20 years on, I appreciate the impact that these people have had on who I am and how I view the world, and most importantly, just how valuable a good teacher really is. Which is the topic of this blog.
I should say for anyone that may be pitying me now, that despite the shenanigans of this group of wayward adults, who essentially raised me from the ages of 4-12, I still had a good time, and I would say overall that my experience at elementary school was quite positive. It just took a long period of recovery to realize that learning could actually be worthwhile, given the right material, presented in the right way, by the right teacher. (For this reason, I give the lot of them a gigantic F! Or at best a C-) Anyway, I got glimpses of what learning COULD be during high school, but to be honest, the situation there wasn't much better. The major problem for me with high school was the material being taught, the method of teaching (sanctioned by the government, the universities that trained these individuals, the institution of education itself, and whatever other powers that be). And, as is the case in many average Catholic schools, most of the teachers at my high school were just ok. I have always been an enthusiastic person, bright, and very curious, yet I spent the vast majority of time in those desks utterly uninspired. Bored. Distracted. Annoyed. Very few of my teachers recognized my potential for what it really was, and I was told repeatedly that it was ME, that my attitude and performance were strictly a result of me being a bad student, or even a dumb person. I truly believed that for many years. In fact, it became a key component of my identity.
Holy crap. What a lie!
So, for quite a long time, and even up until now, most of my learning has come from books, and from life experience itself. I have been practicing yoga and exploring philosophy (my university major, and don't even get me started on what a bore that was, even though I chose that subject specifically as it was literally the only thing that really piqued my interest) for many years now, but I am still unable to adequately manage my stress, and achieve the level of success I know that I am capable of. This is not for lack of trying. Something is missing, and I truly believe that a lack of guidance is a factor.
Thus, my desire for a real, living teacher has reached a zenith as of late. I'm tired of reading books. Books are a modern invention. Teachers, leaders, elders ... they're as old as humanity itself. Do you have any idea how many books I've read in my life? I know so much on certain topics that I can't even find anyone on my same level of knowledge to have a conversation with. I have to put an ad on craigslist and join Meet-up, and still I can't find anybody! In fact, my brain is so full of facts that I have had to put a halt on learning from books, and instead have imposed a rule of mandatory, daily TV, which I never did in the past. That's right: I am doing the opposite of trying to cut back on TV.
I don't think this is the only way to relax my mind and enjoy myself when I'm alone, but this is something that has been working very well for me for about three weeks, so I have no plan of stopping anytime soon.
Anyway, how does all of this relate to yoga? Well, the truth of the matter is, I love what yoga has done for my health and for my mind, but I am still stressed out and my back has not yet healed completely. I want a real, live teacher. I feel there's more, much more to all of this, and I can only grasp it in glimpses and glimmers. Some say that what I am looking for can only be derived through meditation; however, I am not satisfied with what I have been able to glean so far on the proper way to meditate. So I'll say it again: I want a teacher. A teacher I can trust.
Also, I am tired of being annoyed so frequently; I try to be open, accepting, respectful, give people the benefit of the doubt, etc, but I am reaching my limit for the fools spouting nonsense I encounter in the modern, western world of yoga. That is actually what brought me to Bikram yoga in the first place: I actually DO trust Bikram's system, and I am indebted to him for establishing his yoga franchise, which has ensured that the timed sequence of his series in the hot room has not been altered to its complete detriment. Around the world, thousands of people are increasing their vitality through this practice, and I am among them. I deeply appreciate the no-nonsense factor, and how could there be a shred of doubt in my mind that this practice (when carried out PROPERLY) promotes health and vitality, when I have over a thousand classes under my belt to solidify my stance on this issue? I certainly don't need a double-blind, peer reviewed study to tell me that this stuff works! (For the record, I don't give the tiniest shit about almost anything that science reports on health: virtually everything that modern science tells us through their "studies" regarding healthy living could have been easily confirmed by people living thousands of years ago, or uneducated villagers the world over, if you don't have a time machine. For me, modern science is an excellent example of bad teaching, and I am prepared to back that up logically.)
To get back on topic: after 7 and a half years of careful observation, it is my opinion that even this precious system of Bikram Yoga © is indeed being tainted by fools. Not only that, but from the stories I've heard, Bikram himself seems to be suffering from a kind of mental disorder, a sort of 'east meets west' syndrome. With these factors present, the system is perpetuated, and new teachers are trained sufficiently, but a sickness pervades it all, and I find it disturbing. It needs to be shaken up in a big way, because this is clearly not the same man or the same practice as it was when it was first put into motion. Thankfully, there are many fine studio owners, teachers, and practitioners keeping its vital essence alive, but there's a lot wrong here, and a new aim of this blog is to call attention to it. Because it's wrong, and the people of this Earth in 2013 need some serious guidance. I am a teacher, too, (not a yoga teacher by training, mind you) and I'm not perfect, but I am a critical thinker and I have a lot of experience. I'm just going to do my part here. Take what you can.
Meanwhile, I am also ready for my teacher, a real person to guide me through physical, spiritual practice and development, in order to sustain a healthy body and mind, well into old age. I don't know if I can find this in the world of yoga, as it is available to me, and I know I can't find it through books, or personal practice alone. I am currently exploring the world of Chinese medicine, as well as religious and spiritual practice that is Western in origin, and I would like to incorporate some of these learnings into the blog as well.
Join me, why don't you!
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