Reacting (originally written on Friday, March 29th, 2013)
It has often been the case that I will find myself in a good or neutral sort of mood, and then have a negative encounter with someone that gets me down. It can change my mood completely, even the course of my entire day. Throughout the past few years I have come to realize that maybe there is something that I can do about this. It's something we hear a lot (we can control our reactions), but I have actually found it quite challenging. I'm happy to report that I have had some progress.
It is still MUCH easier for me to maintain a positive or neutral mood when my interactions are pleasant, and I don't come into contact with people who have a "bad energy" feel to them.
However, I think it's significant that reaching a place where you can control the way (and the degree to which) other people affect you is a process. We hear that we can do this, and think that the next negative encounter will magically be different, just because we've decided that is what we want. And then, before we know it, a negative encounter occurs, we let ourselves get worked up or upset or offended, and to boot now we blame ourselves for not dealing with it properly. But reacting poorly is a habit, and habits take time to break. The fact that it isn't easy allows us to grow and develop. Overcoming challenge is a major part of the human experience!
That being said, I think it's very important to recognize what is and what isn't a personal challenge for ourselves as individuals. For instance, one thing I have always been good at was dealing with difficult customers. I started working with the public at a young age, and to this day (though I've had several different kinds of jobs) I still work with people, and it requires a lot of patience that I absolutely have. I used to pride myself on this, until I thought about the fact that it just came naturally to me. People often comment on my patience, as though I am constantly exercising great control over my reactions. However, I am usually not. It's just the way I am. Having patience with customers and guests and students is not my challenge, as it is for some people. My challenge is dealing with people in authority, such as managers and bosses, landlords, and even still my parents. I get my feelings hurt easily, and often feel as though I am disliked, or being treated unfairly, or used, and especially that I have done something wrong. Negative (or sometimes even neutral) encounters with a person in authority can result in a lot of stress for me. This is my personal challenge, and I still have a long way to go.
One thing that I have found very helpful, not only in unpleasant or unwanted dealings with people, but also situations like bad traffic or an unexpected bill, is acknowledging the way I actually feel, and showing myself a little compassion. I tend to get mad at myself for feeling bad. What good is that? I also find that being fake or phony with myself, or being overly optimistic or dismissive is not helpful. My mind knows when I am being dishonest with myself. If I am trying to enjoy myself, and then hear some disappointing news, or someone says something that hurts my feelings, I can't just carry on as though nothing happened in the name of not letting situations and people have control over what I am feeling - I think this is a common mistake people make. Maybe it does work for some people - I don't know. In my case, giving myself a few moments to discover what I am feeling, and why, and just accept the way I feel as the response of a fairly normal person, makes it surprisingly easy to let the whole thing go. I don't remember to do this every time, especially when I am in a hurry or high stress situation (such as work). Needless to say, though, I hope to use this technique more and more.
It is still MUCH easier for me to maintain a positive or neutral mood when my interactions are pleasant, and I don't come into contact with people who have a "bad energy" feel to them.
However, I think it's significant that reaching a place where you can control the way (and the degree to which) other people affect you is a process. We hear that we can do this, and think that the next negative encounter will magically be different, just because we've decided that is what we want. And then, before we know it, a negative encounter occurs, we let ourselves get worked up or upset or offended, and to boot now we blame ourselves for not dealing with it properly. But reacting poorly is a habit, and habits take time to break. The fact that it isn't easy allows us to grow and develop. Overcoming challenge is a major part of the human experience!
That being said, I think it's very important to recognize what is and what isn't a personal challenge for ourselves as individuals. For instance, one thing I have always been good at was dealing with difficult customers. I started working with the public at a young age, and to this day (though I've had several different kinds of jobs) I still work with people, and it requires a lot of patience that I absolutely have. I used to pride myself on this, until I thought about the fact that it just came naturally to me. People often comment on my patience, as though I am constantly exercising great control over my reactions. However, I am usually not. It's just the way I am. Having patience with customers and guests and students is not my challenge, as it is for some people. My challenge is dealing with people in authority, such as managers and bosses, landlords, and even still my parents. I get my feelings hurt easily, and often feel as though I am disliked, or being treated unfairly, or used, and especially that I have done something wrong. Negative (or sometimes even neutral) encounters with a person in authority can result in a lot of stress for me. This is my personal challenge, and I still have a long way to go.
One thing that I have found very helpful, not only in unpleasant or unwanted dealings with people, but also situations like bad traffic or an unexpected bill, is acknowledging the way I actually feel, and showing myself a little compassion. I tend to get mad at myself for feeling bad. What good is that? I also find that being fake or phony with myself, or being overly optimistic or dismissive is not helpful. My mind knows when I am being dishonest with myself. If I am trying to enjoy myself, and then hear some disappointing news, or someone says something that hurts my feelings, I can't just carry on as though nothing happened in the name of not letting situations and people have control over what I am feeling - I think this is a common mistake people make. Maybe it does work for some people - I don't know. In my case, giving myself a few moments to discover what I am feeling, and why, and just accept the way I feel as the response of a fairly normal person, makes it surprisingly easy to let the whole thing go. I don't remember to do this every time, especially when I am in a hurry or high stress situation (such as work). Needless to say, though, I hope to use this technique more and more.
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