I'm Back!

Even though you'll find 28 entries prior to this one, I'd like to take this opportunity to say, "welcome to my blog!" (if you've just stumbled upon it), and introduce myself: who I was, and who I've become, along my Bikram yoga-themed journey in life. I haven't written in this blog in about four years, but I've recently returned to my yoga practice, and I'm keen to write about it. Read on!

My name is Adriana, and I am 34 years old. I began practicing BY in mid March, 2006, at a time in my life when I was feeling stressed out, depressed, unfulfilled, tired, and scared (plus more negative feelings but you get the idea). I was 27 at that time, and had not done a whole lot of regular physical activity beyond walking, sporadic bouts of aerobics, Tae Bo and Pilates on videotape, the occasional jog, and some studio yoga classes. I had done a bit of team sports during high school, but really nothing major, and was not known by anyone to be "athletic." (Far from it, people.)

But I had dabbled when it came to exercise, one might say, and I always sort of knew I had some natural ability, some untapped potential. I'd never been a key player on any teams at school, so when I randomly decided at 14 to give it my all during distance running for the first time in my life, and actually placed, my PE teacher was very surprised. I realized then that I had pretty good endurance. I always remembered that amazing feeling I got after completing a run, and though I tried going for runs here and there, I was never able to push myself to that place where I could do this on a regular basis. No motivation. During my teens I spent most of my time sitting around, going to parties or just chatting for hours with my friends, drawing, playing video games, on my own with my nose in a book. I was aware that people performed exercise for health and recreation, but it just wasn't my thing when I was young. I wanted nothing to do with the athletic kids.

Moving on to food, truth be told this has been an issue in my life since about the age of 11, when I became preoccupied with body image, and still, unfortunately, am to this day. I was very skinny as a kid and throughout puberty, but during my teens I put on a bit of weight - looking back I was probably around the same size as I am now, actually, but in your teens and twenties everyone wants to be significantly underweight, including me.

I'd always tried to be as health-conscious as I possibly could while leading a party girl lifestyle, having gone vegetarian at the age of 20 in an effort to heal the world and lose weight, but I was always getting reeled in by veggie junk food like pizza, fries, and pasta dishes. (Despite constantly being on some kind of ridiculous diet I am really a foodie and prone to shiver and shake and even wail like an addict if deprived of high carb delights.) I also used to drink a fair amount of alcohol and smoked cigarettes (not a lot, but about 5 to 10 a week) at that time - looking back, I thought I was OK, but I was a bit of a mess. From the age of 22 onwards, I was always about 10-30 pounds overweight, depending on whether I'd managed to drop a few through my various crash dieting methods, and also what one considers to be overweight. I hovered between about 140 and 160, at 5'6. When I began BY, I had been inching for several years towards the high end and not at all happy with my body.

However, weight loss wasn't the primary motivation that brought me to the practice - from the week before I turned 27 until at least a year into the practice, with twinges of pain before and after, I suffered from all kinds of issues with pain in my abdomen. First it would be my lower right pelvis, then it would be just to the left of my belly button, then in would be general abdominal cramps, then it would be lower backache - always something different, at varying levels of severity. I also got recurring bladder infections, which may or may not have been connected to the pain and discomfort I seemed to always be in, but in any case they were an issue. I definitely had some sleepless nights and more than a few tears. It's hard to talk about. In addition, my periods were a nightmare, and had been for many years. Straight up: I didn't feel good, almost ever. I certainly didn't feel as good as I do now, which is why it really burns me up when I hear people talking about their age-related declining health and sense of well-being. I'm sorry, but that's bullshit.

Anyway, the first day I walked into the studio, I read a sign on the front door. It said, "You're never too old, never too bad, it's never too late, and you're never too sick to start again from scratch." I'll never forget the way I felt when I read that sign: tingly, like it was a special message delivered straight to me from the heaves. I was instantly convinced of its veracity, before I'd even had my first class, and that unshakeable faith has never left me. I can be both depressingly skeptical and naively gullible, and although both tendencies sort of annoy me, at the very least I believe logically in the placebo effect, so I'm extremely glad that I had this experience.

BY began its work on my body right away, and I was pain free within a year. As it has done for so many, BY truly changed the quality of my life and my level of physical endurance. If you've ever practiced regularly and claimed to love it, you know what I'm talking about. The increased sense of well-being, the aches and pains disappearing, (only to be replaced by good, athletic soreness that comes with working and stretching your body), the toning of the muscles, the euphoric feeling during final savasana, and a sense of purpose that you never had before. I even felt myself developing spiritually, even though many say that BY is strictly a physical practice and if you're looking for something more esoteric, to try something else (I disagree, but that's another topic). It was all wonderful, and although my practice wavered somewhat, with weeks of even a couple months going by during which I did not practice, I kept it fairly consistent for the next three years, and completed several 30 day challenges.

Just over four years ago, in the summer of 2008, after letting my practice drop off somewhat, I went back at it full-force. From June or so to the beginning of August (the height of summer, I might add) I practiced every other day, until I began my first 60 day challenge that month. I was at Day 43 of the challenge on my 30th birthday, the 26th of September, and I felt really great. I remember telling people at the studio that it was my birthday, and people were guessing my age - everyone guessed between 20 and 25. And that was without make up, of course, with my hair a mess and dripping with post BY sweat. Actually, maybe that is what made me appear younger somehow - Anyway, it was a good memory, needless to say. Also, I had my eyes checked out that day for the first time in many years, and the woman who did my eye exam said that my eyes were in excellent health, whatever that means. That's probably quite a usual thing, but on my thirtieth birthday I was feeling rather vulnerable to the effects of time, so I was happy to hear that I looked young for my age and had healthy eyes!

Although I'd began the challenge feeling great physically (after a period of alternating one day on, one day off, for a while before the challenge started), around the time of my birthday week, I started to feel peculiarly crappy, and totally sick of doing yoga every single day. I know now from talking to people and reading blogs that this is pretty normal, and not necessarily a sign that your body needs a break from the yoga. Looking back, I see that perhaps it was merely a sign that I was letting myself get dehydrated, not getting enough rest, not always making the best food choices, and continuing to drink socially (which some people can get away with, but I have a tendency toward going overboard). I wasn't doing anything terrible like going on major benders or sitting around eating giant bags of funyuns, but I wasn't observing the vigilant self care outside the hot room that is mandatory for someone going through a 60 day challenge (if they truly want to succeed). I think it's also important to understand that your body is going through good changes during such an intense yoga routine that can sometimes get lost in translation, and misinterpreted by your mind as a dangerous situation. Maybe there was some cleansing going on as well - all I know is that I began to feel like crap: fatigued, in pain, and completely unmotivated, and classes started getting impossible to enjoy or perform well. That combined with the fact that I hadn't lost an ounce during this time (when, admittedly, weight loss was one of my goals) and my momentum plummeted - I dropped out of the challenge around Day 50.

Then, over the course of the next four years, I probably practiced under 20 times, and never that consistently. I would go to three or four classes over two weeks here and there, and then just drop off again. BY was always on my mind, and whenever it came up, like when people asked me if I was still practicing, I would make up excuses for not coming back. Believe me, I know every excuse:
- with the 90 minute practice, showering, and getting to the studio and back, it just takes up too much time.
- it's boring always practicing the same 26 postures - I like the mix at other studios.
- BY teachers are too annoying and self-righteous.
- the studio has too much of a gym feel. Everyone talks so loud. I want a more peaceful atmosphere at a yoga studio.
- I went to hundreds of classes and I still suck at the practice.
- I went to hundreds of classes and didn't lose any weight.
- It's too expensive.
- It takes too much mental effort to pump myself up for Bikram yoga. I got stressed out dreading class, which was something I was paying good money for and wanting to enjoy.

Thus, I began experimenting with different forms of exercise. BY allowed me to prove to myself that I had the endurance, I could achieve a certain level of fitness, and exercise could actually be very enjoyable and beneficial. I also continued to explore other styles of yoga, and at 31, I did a five week intensive yoga retreat in Mexico. I also began including animal products in my diet on and off, just to see how that felt, to see how my body reacted to that, and to see if I could remedy a consistent feeling of deprivation I had as a carbs-addicted vegetarian. It took me a lot of trial and error, and I do eat differently according to the season, how much physical activity I'm engaging in, and what else is going on in my life, but I think I have finally found a system of eating that works for me, and I'm slowly coming to terms with food. I also change what I eat and the way I eat depending on different factors: the time of year and how physically active I happen to be at that time, which makes sense to me now.

A few years ago I started riding a bike everywhere, and started including physical activity at every turn - I basically just made the decision that I wanted to be healthy, physically fit, and slim - for real, and for good. And guess what? I succeeded. My drive sent me on a path of wellness that has resulted in an above-average level of fitness and the solid weight loss I'd been trying to achieve since I was a few years out of high school. Actually, I don't even think my body's finished yet, because even after all this time, I am still losing weight. (When I returned to BY about a month ago, I was 30 pounds lighter than I was when I began in 2006, and quite fit.) This year alone, I've cycled hundreds of km, finally learned how to swim and play tennis properly, lifted weights for the first time ever, started doing HIIT workouts, hiked, squatted, pushed up, done endless pilates - really any kind of physical activity that occurs to me or presents itself to me, I do. I can't live without exercise. It's vital.

I eat very healthfully and in small quantities (more about my dietary choices later - that is a blog post, or whole other blog, on its own!), make adequate sleep a top priority, and have found ways of managing my stress. I rarely drink alcohol, I don't smoke anything, and I have projects of all kinds on the go.

On to the crux of this introductory post: Although a regular practice has not been part of my life during this health transformation, the solid three year practice I had prior to making the change was absolutely crucial to my success. No doubt about it. And now that I have returned, at this size, (which is key, and I think it is the same with gymnastics - the lighter you are, the more you can do, the better you can balance), at this level of fitness, in this state of mind, Bikram yoga is totally a different experience than it ever was before.

In only 15 classes, I have been able to take my practice to new levels I'd never thought possible - it's been amazing beyond description, although I'm going to try. For one thing, I can tell you what it really means to lock your knee "Rock - solid, lamppost, like you've got no knee". Oh, I thought I was locking my knee, and I mean, I was, for about ten seconds at at time here and there, using immense concentration and maximum, unsustainable effort, while unnecessarily tightening up muscles in every part of my body even though that's exactly what you're not supposed to do, and completely exhausting myself in the process! Wow. I can't believe how long it's taken, but I do feel like I've done the grunt-work and that locking my knee out for extended periods is now something my body is truly capable of. It's really an accomplishment.

Thus, I can now do the full expression of Standing Head-to-Knee - though only on my left side - which had always been, hands-down, the most difficult pose for me, and one I thought that I would never be able to do fully. This is a freaking unbelievable feat for me in terms of being a blossoming yogini. I know some limber pixies who could do it their first month of class, and that is great for them, but I was no graceful swan when I first stumbled into the hot room. I hadn't danced. I hadn't done gymnastics (well I had, for about a year, and I was considered one of the least flexible girls). I was just not an athletic girl. I ate too much, sat around too much, drank too much, weighed too much, had considerable health issues, and concentrated very, very hard on all of my problems for the majority of the day, every day. THAT was who walked into the hot room on that fateful day back in March of 2006.

*This is really why you can't judge another practitioner, ever, because you truly don't know where they started. I'll never forget when awesome Van teacher Dale said, "Maybe you started at zero, and you got to where you are today from that point. You don't know about the person beside you. They might have started at negative 400, and they're still on their way to zero. For some people, just getting to zero is the battle of a lifetime." Wow, what profound words those were for me. Sometimes a teacher says something that really knocks you off your feet and provides you with endless inspiration. It's been years, Dale, but I haven't forgotten that quote. Thank you!

Moving along, I really can't express in this already way too long post just how much my practice has changed. I thought at this point I would still be re-adjusting to going back to the yoga. No: the body remembers, and it returns with renewed strength and energy. I am struggling slightly with my flexibility and if there's one area that is lacking in my practice, it is that, as there were points in the past where I was more flexible than I am now, but this setback is not major, and actually, it allows me to realize that where I thought flexibility was absolutely key to a yoga practice, it really is just one element, and must be balanced by physical and mental strength, as well as endurance.

Another major improvement is that I haven't felt l like I was about to keel over and die in class, which - sorry to say if you're a beginner - truly was how I felt for at least 30% of my classes during the first year. The first few years. Yikes! Now I'm still not sure but I am starting to think that teachers are taking more liberties with temperature adjustment, turning on the fans and turning off the humidifier, things like that, to make the room more bearable. Anyway, I am just generally feeling so good during class that I can actually listen to the dialogue and follow it, and with each practice, I learn things about the correct ways to do the postures that I cannot believe I didn't know before. Like the proper grip for Rabbit. And the breathing. And the sit-up. I didn't know that I hadn't been listening to the dialogue before. I thought I knew it like the Lord's Prayer. Um, no! I had been fighting for my life in there, delirious, just keeping my head above water.

Well, with my new and improved practice (and body) I feel like I've uncovered a hidden treasure, and I'm so excited to share it with other Bikram enthusiasts, especially those of you that want to lose weight, have health issues, motivation issues, or just don't believe that your body can and will change into that of a fit, limber yogi.

IT CAN! And for the record, I still have a really long way to go.

Stay tuned :)