I'm taking a break with my other blog because I feel that it's too negative and I don't feel any better about things after an entry. I also put pressure on myself to post, usually when I'm nowhere near a computer or in a position to be writing anything, and I've grown weary of thinking about it. I have a lot on my plate at the moment because I'm on the brink of some major life changes, so I need to use my spare time productively. Reason for change? Oh, I don't know. I feel that I've been stagnant for too long and it's time to get moving. Chop chop.
I don't like Vancouver; that's not a secret. I am only sticking around (and not for much longer) because I grew up here and I have grown scarily dependent on a support system of family and friends. Many people are in similar boats but they don't view it as a problem. It would seem that I do. However, I am of a mind that one's location shouldn't matter too much in the grand scheme of life and that it's best to make do with what you've got. In other words, there's no difference between a janitor's closet and the Himalayas; neither is inherently a "better" place to meditate, it just seems that way. Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. This is the goal, or ideal. At the same time, I feel that the spirit here is very sterile and apathetic, very humorless, and it is affecting me negatively. At this point I just don't have the resources to adequately shield myself from negative influences, and I believe that it is hindering me from making the kind of progress necessary to get on to the path of the janitor's closet. Hmmm. I also fear my thinking here may be contradictory. Nonetheless, I'm off!
I should be writing in here more frequently because, as I've mentioned, I'd like to keep a record of my progress and I have so many interesting little thoughts associated with yoga that I know I forget. I always mean to write soon after class, but instead I've taken to watching TV once I get home for some reason! I'm not sure why, but that's got to stop. I hardly watch TV, it's very rare. I am deep in thought for at least 75% of my waking hours and although it's exhausting, which is why I turn to stupid things like magazines, msn messenger, TV, weed, and alcohol, for refuge. Yoga is supposed to replace all of this! (I also thrive on this deep thinking, though, obviously, but I can't have it all the time because I'm already partially crazy.) Anyway, I especially like to daydream after class because I'm not quite ready to think deeply yet but if I do something invigorating like engage in conversation or read, I'll miss that relaxation period. However, sometimes my daydreaming gets very intense (and no I don't mean sexually!) and it turns into that same deep thinking I need a break from. So, TV gives me a chance to daydream lightly - I can't think too hard because I remain focused on the show, but I can let my thoughts wander without tensing up. It's very pleasant. I should find a way to do this that doesn't involve TV.
As they tell us, one of the most difficult things in yoga practice is achieving mental stillness. This is why I crave the really difficult classes, especially - and I know it sounds terrible - if I'm out to impress, because my mind becomes very still and focused. Does that sound right or wrong? I figure that what's going on in class and who is teaching shouldn't matter so much to my own individual practice, but I suppose these are beginner's woes. It's like this: If I am having an easy class or it is a huge class and I'm not likely to be noticed so I let myself slack a little, my mind can wander like mad. It can be very difficult to stay focused. Sometimes I even doze off during the 20 second savasanas, which is really bad. Last week, somehow, I fell asleep very briefly, right before third part of Locust, while we were flat on our faces. I even had a quick dream that someone was biting my lip. Weird. Anyway, what I wanted to say was that I feel the circumstances in a particular class rather than the length of time a person has been practicing may have just as much of an influence on mental stillness. Maybe not. I know that I am still very much a beginner and I hesitate to get too far ahead of myself, but am I really improving in this area or is it an ebb and flow type thing? It's hard to remember what things were like a few months ago.
Once a professor lamented to my class that it is impossible for us to truly remember what it is like to be a child because our adultness colors over the memories and changes them. Without intending to I find that I have given this a great deal of thought. Not only do I find memory itself to be particularly perplexing, I've always prided myself on my ability to vividly recall events that happened and, more importantly, the thoughts I had, very early in childhood. I am willing to accept that I may be completely or partially wrong about this, but I really do feel that I am able to remember what it was like to have a child's perspective. I just deleted everything I wrote in the second half of this paragraph because it sounded all wrong. I'll try to explain it another time. Anyway, my point was that I have difficulty trying to recall what the yoga was like at the very beginning because I only seem to know what it is like now. Every time I attempt to single out a thought or feeling or way about the yoga that seemed to occur exclusively at the very start I am forced to admit that it isn't really changed now.
Okay, I'm really tired. Good night!
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