Earlier I'd posted about having a belly full of fried shrimp and noodles, and not feeling like going to class. Well, I made it, and it was a good one. I feel much better. Unfortunately it is already time for bed, and only NOW do I feel that good energy running through me.
One trick I've learned for motivating myself, especially if I'm holed up in my bed with my laptop directly in front of me, unable and unwilling to move an inch, except for my fingers tapping away on the keyboard and my eyeballs to the upper right hand corner of the screen to check how much longer until I am ripped from my zone of comfort (forget yoga, this is MY pose!), is a few minutes of cardiovascular exercise. This is also good for when you feel depressed, or sad, or bored, or angry. Just a few minutes - no huge commitment. I recently bought a skipping rope for this purpose; you could also do a few jumping jacks interspersed with push-ups, a couple lunges, jogging on the spot, star jumps, some pilates abs, etc. I tend to stay away from burpees and mountain climbers, as they are made of rotten celery, and should be banned from exercise regimes worldwide. Ugh. But I would mention here that before I had a skipping rope I would sort of skip on the spot as though I had one, ever since one of my crazy will-of-steel students gave me the idea when she told me that she lost a bunch of weight through skipping for something like four hours a day, on the instruction of her professors at the fitness college she attended. Please don't think this is a normal thing to do - this happened in Korea. Actually she permanently injured her feet doing this and developed a severe case of edema - I've seen the black, blue and bloody pictures to prove it and it honestly looks as though she might have had to get her feet amputated (she didn't). Disturbing, yes, (very - especially considering her instructors AND PARENTS encouraged her to continue skipping even after her feet had begun their descent into puffy, bloody bundles of pus, which is one of the reasons they got so bad, the other reason being that, hello, she was skipping for 4 hours a day. She only stopped after she was literally unable to walk and in the freaking hospital) but anyway she remained adamant that jumping rope was the best cardiovascular exercise known to human. So, like I said, I'd been sort of pretending to jump rope without anything in my hands for the better part of a year during my exercise routines, until I broke down and bought a jump rope.
Well holy crap, it's not easy, is it?! Yeah, just slightly harder with the actual rope. Try it. It's not just for kids. (Although if you have a kid, this is also of course a great purchase. Do kids still jump rope? I hope so. The kids at the elementary school I worked at two years ago were reasonably non-adverse to exercise, which was a relief to me.)
Anyway, yes, I began to feel better immediately after I did a bit of cardio, and that also got my stomach rumbling a bit and moving that heavy food through my system.
Now, I should also state that there has been an elephant in the blog, because I have failed to expand upon the fact that the weekend of my cousin's wedding, I missed not one, not two, but THREE classes on my challenge! What is funny is that on the actual day of her wedding, the day I had thought it would be impossible to attend, I made it to class. Friday was insanely busy with the rehearsal and dinner, Sunday was a complete write-off, and then on Monday I didn't realize that because it was a holiday, several of the evening classes were cancelled. (I even made my way to the studio only to be turned around and told to go back home.) So, although this is Day 35 of my 50 Day Challenge, I really have only been to 32 classes, and since the break over that weekend, seven contiguous classes, including today's.
Although having to do three doubles at some point over the next two weeks is going to suck ass (yes, by the way, I am on the home stretch of this challenge with just two measly weeks left!) - I must say that the little break I took there absolutely recharged me. The slate was wiped clean and I like it. Maybe missing only one class would have done the trick, but it happened the way it happened and all I can do now is ensure that I complete the 50 classes by the last day of my Challenge. Heaven forbid - I repeat Heaven. Forbid - I don't complete this challenge after coming this far and spending four years brooding about the fact that I failed to complete my 60 Day Challenge back in 2008. Oh wait, that's practically five years. Yes, well, come hell or high water I will finish this Challenge intact.
I have certainly had my ups and downs over the past month or so, and I do not push to my edge and kill myself every single class, but overall it's been great. I'd say I've had about seven really tough classes in total, where I was pretty useless, red-faced, and limited in what I could do, and the rest have been reasonably strong for the amount that I am going. By no means am I feeling like my body has been overworked or overstretched, or in a weakened condition. I did feel that for a while there when I probably wasn't eating or sleeping enough, but now I am, and I feel like the proverbial Bengal Tiger. My flexibility has improved, my will is strong, I tell my wandering mind what to think and when not to think, and sometimes it even follows my instructions, I have a fair amount of energy, and my overall level of pain in different areas of my body has decreased. I was worried that at this point I'd be in a fragile state. I have still managed to keep off that 5.5 pounds, (which was gained weight - this was not a new loss), but I stress that it is mostly through adjusting my diet and being much more careful about what I'm eating than one might imagine getting 90 minutes plus of exercise daily, but like I've said in the past, my body doesn't seem to consider Bikram Yoga a calorie burning activity. So fucking annoying. And as an addendum to that, with work and my social life, downtime, and of course the two hour commitment to yoga every day, I haven't really done much else in the way of exercise beyond daily commute walking or biking, and little five, ten or twenty minute routines here and there. Not nothing, but not nearly as much as usual. I have this free-weight arms workout that I do every few days because I am concerned about my arms getting more toned. (Same with my abs, but I've been neglecting that as of late.)
I miss other styles of yoga and pilates especially, and the main reason (not the only reason) I'll be happy once this challenge is over is that I'll have the time to start incorporating other forms of exercise into my days, especially at this time of year. I love being outside and moving my body. When I don't feel like doing the typical outdoors activities I will absolutely plop myself down in the middle of a crowded, grassy area and do a full pilates routine, which people find quite weird. (That's actually my favourite, and yes I get lots of looks, and no I don't appear to be any kind of advanced pilates practitioner! I don't give a shit.) I also love to swim and jog at the beach. We really only get two or three months worth of great weather in this city and I will take full advantage of that, alongside a Bikram Yoga practice of about three times a week. I wouldn't want to dip below that after all the progress I've made, but we shall see how it goes.
Namsies. (I have no idea what that means.)
Monday, May 27, 2013
This is What Happens when you Delay Class.
You stuff yourself with chow mein and coconut fried shrimp for dinner and then you lay in bed in a fear coma, reading the WTF section of BuzzFeed, plagued with the legitimate worry that you won't have enough energy or space in your belly to handle class at 8:15 pm, five hours after the class you'd originally planned on going to.
Oh WOE IS ME. Never delay class. Never! No reason is good enough. Just go and then bask in the glory of having gone, having gotten it over with!
Like they say in Standing Head to Knee, don't even think about it, just DO IT. That's exactly like class. Just go. If you start to analyze and fantasize about what 90 minutes in the heat with a stomach full of Chinese food could possibly entail, well ... that's called There Goes my Motivation.
I have told myself not to do this on numerous occasions. At least I am on a challenge so I have to go. If I wasn't I'd be in even worse agony, debating with myself whether to go or not. I know I'll go. I just really don't want to anymore.
Oh WOE IS ME. Never delay class. Never! No reason is good enough. Just go and then bask in the glory of having gone, having gotten it over with!
Like they say in Standing Head to Knee, don't even think about it, just DO IT. That's exactly like class. Just go. If you start to analyze and fantasize about what 90 minutes in the heat with a stomach full of Chinese food could possibly entail, well ... that's called There Goes my Motivation.
I have told myself not to do this on numerous occasions. At least I am on a challenge so I have to go. If I wasn't I'd be in even worse agony, debating with myself whether to go or not. I know I'll go. I just really don't want to anymore.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Here's an Idea: Don't eat Denny's before Class!
Yesterday for breakfast instead of my usual fruit and/or oatmeal and/or green smoothie I flipped my health the bird and consumed two and a half pieces of buttered toast with pb and jam, one gigantic pancake positively drenched in butter and syrup (and not actual maple syrup, not even close, we're talking high fructose corn syrup delight here), two slices of cardboard turkey bacon which I will never eat again as long as I shall live, and two fried eggs. And coffee.
Um. Whoa. What.
I devoured this monstrosity at about 9:59 am and had planned on attending a 12:15 Bikram yoga class. What was I thinking? Not even close. I hate to be one of these health nuts that acts like any food that is not in its organic, vegan, raw, state might as well be mainly composed of arsenic, but this breakfast really had a negative effect on me. I already knew I was in trouble on the drive home. After having had a full night's sleep and luxurious Saturday morning sleep in, I had to go right back to bed at around 11:30. I literally could not keep my eyes open for long enough to read more than a sentence or two of my book at a time, and drifted in and out of a fitful sleep for about two hours. I barely, barely recovered in time to trudge down to the studio for 2:15 pm class, which was the latest class I could attend as I had plenty of other things to do yesterday, such as move house (!), that I could not attend to as I lay in a Denny's Breakfast Coma wondering how the hell I was going to get through class and then go to a kid's birthday party and then go out for a night on the town and try to find someone to marry me.
My class was not easy. I was very low energy, especially at first, and I had approximately three minor panic attacks during Pranayama Breathing. The high-expectation, eagle-eyed teacher lay off me, thank Godliness, even though I had gone and placed myself right at the mirror to the left of the stage in an effort to motivate myself. I regretted this decision during the first few postures, in a big, big way.
But then, awesomely, something truly funny occurred that caused in me the rumblings of deep, belly laughter one normally does not associate with yoga. Unless it's Laughter Yoga, of course. Anyway, I hadn't laughed as hard as that in a long time, and certainly not during class: our teacher repeatedly did various imitations of the worst type of practitioner kicking out in a wildly unstable way (on a bent knee, of course) during Standing Head to Knee, in order to show us what not to do. I can't really explain why, but it was some of the funniest shit I had ever seen. He made me laugh a few more times during class, which was so refreshing, and gave me the energy I needed for a great floor series despite my comatose beginnings.
In light of this little anecdote about the hilarious, verbose, risk-taking Patrick Chui, I wanted to mention that I am reading Hellbent (click to read reviews on Amazon). As you can see, this book, which was written by a pretty dedicated (yet not without concerns & doubts regarding the practice and the "cult of bikram" in general) Bikram yogi who went to BY teacher training, got some pretty great reader reviews. I haven't finished yet, but I have mixed feelings myself. I will save my commentary for after I am done. The book is really informative and I've been reading it slowly, usually when I don't feel like going to class, because as honest and skeptical a look at the whole circus sideshow that the world of Bikram Yoga that this writer's perspective really IS, it is nonetheless a great motivator. I hear people criticizing this style of yoga almost every day, and I am not without worries myself, so although in many ways the practice does speak for itself and that is all that really matters to me, my interest was piqued when I saw this book.
Anyway, one of the key concepts that the writer hones in on is that Bikram Yoga teacher training does not necessarily aim to churn out good teachers. Well! I feel like this is something I already knew, but to have it spelled out like that, I didn't know whether to be furious or approving. The training program is basically just there to ensure that new teachers memorize the dialogue, and from Bikram's perspective, there is a sense in which that is all that really matters. I do get that. People also say that the longer you practice, the less it matters who is teaching the class.
Personally, I think the quality of Bikram Yoga teachers varies a lot, and for me, it can make a huge difference on those days when I am struggling. Sometimes it absolutely does not, and that is where I see my development as a practitioner and the beauty of the dialogue. There are teachers that just spew out the dialogue without any additions or personal corrections - nothing but straight-up dialogue delivered in an even tone. I had a class like this a few days ago and it was really rather refreshing. (It actually made me think about how a lot of the nonsense teachers babble during class can be annoying and I worry that their shitty opinions are going to tattoo themselves onto my subconscious, because I am so open to receiving their words during my practice.)
But for me, I'm already hooked. The main reason why a "good" teacher is more desirable than a crappy one or a really standard kind of teacher that doesn't stray from the dialogue is that with all the distractions life has to offer and the considerable commitment that maintaining a regular practice requires, studios really need those knockout teachers to provide motivation. Think about how many students drop out and start doing different styles of yoga, or stop doing yoga altogether. This happens by the hundreds! Let's face it, Bikram Yoga is more challenging, it's hotter, it's more intimidating, it's longer, it's more expensive, and the fact that it proclaims itself to take place in a "torture chamber" isn't exactly the selling point that true devotees might imagine it to be! Keeping ordinary students coming is a challenge for any studio, I would imagine. Meanwhile, a single memorable class with a clever, loving teacher could turn a new student into a lifer.
Anyway, I have often lamented the fact that there are so many great intermediate level students that practice regularly that would make excellent teachers, but the majority of these people will never teach. In order for a person to have the desire to be a teacher, the nine weeks available at the specific times of year that the training is offered, and the money to go to training, for all of that to line up, well, that's obviously quite rare and a very special thing. My concern is that spoiled and whimsical young adults who have that kind of free block of time and free access to the bank of mom and dad are somewhat over-represented, and this demographic often (but not always) don't turn out to be the most knowledgeable or motivating. At least not for me.
This being said, I do still believe that we are truly saved by the dialogue and the sequence, and I am eternally grateful that it is copyrighted.
Um. Whoa. What.
I devoured this monstrosity at about 9:59 am and had planned on attending a 12:15 Bikram yoga class. What was I thinking? Not even close. I hate to be one of these health nuts that acts like any food that is not in its organic, vegan, raw, state might as well be mainly composed of arsenic, but this breakfast really had a negative effect on me. I already knew I was in trouble on the drive home. After having had a full night's sleep and luxurious Saturday morning sleep in, I had to go right back to bed at around 11:30. I literally could not keep my eyes open for long enough to read more than a sentence or two of my book at a time, and drifted in and out of a fitful sleep for about two hours. I barely, barely recovered in time to trudge down to the studio for 2:15 pm class, which was the latest class I could attend as I had plenty of other things to do yesterday, such as move house (!), that I could not attend to as I lay in a Denny's Breakfast Coma wondering how the hell I was going to get through class and then go to a kid's birthday party and then go out for a night on the town and try to find someone to marry me.
My class was not easy. I was very low energy, especially at first, and I had approximately three minor panic attacks during Pranayama Breathing. The high-expectation, eagle-eyed teacher lay off me, thank Godliness, even though I had gone and placed myself right at the mirror to the left of the stage in an effort to motivate myself. I regretted this decision during the first few postures, in a big, big way.
But then, awesomely, something truly funny occurred that caused in me the rumblings of deep, belly laughter one normally does not associate with yoga. Unless it's Laughter Yoga, of course. Anyway, I hadn't laughed as hard as that in a long time, and certainly not during class: our teacher repeatedly did various imitations of the worst type of practitioner kicking out in a wildly unstable way (on a bent knee, of course) during Standing Head to Knee, in order to show us what not to do. I can't really explain why, but it was some of the funniest shit I had ever seen. He made me laugh a few more times during class, which was so refreshing, and gave me the energy I needed for a great floor series despite my comatose beginnings.
In light of this little anecdote about the hilarious, verbose, risk-taking Patrick Chui, I wanted to mention that I am reading Hellbent (click to read reviews on Amazon). As you can see, this book, which was written by a pretty dedicated (yet not without concerns & doubts regarding the practice and the "cult of bikram" in general) Bikram yogi who went to BY teacher training, got some pretty great reader reviews. I haven't finished yet, but I have mixed feelings myself. I will save my commentary for after I am done. The book is really informative and I've been reading it slowly, usually when I don't feel like going to class, because as honest and skeptical a look at the whole circus sideshow that the world of Bikram Yoga that this writer's perspective really IS, it is nonetheless a great motivator. I hear people criticizing this style of yoga almost every day, and I am not without worries myself, so although in many ways the practice does speak for itself and that is all that really matters to me, my interest was piqued when I saw this book.
Anyway, one of the key concepts that the writer hones in on is that Bikram Yoga teacher training does not necessarily aim to churn out good teachers. Well! I feel like this is something I already knew, but to have it spelled out like that, I didn't know whether to be furious or approving. The training program is basically just there to ensure that new teachers memorize the dialogue, and from Bikram's perspective, there is a sense in which that is all that really matters. I do get that. People also say that the longer you practice, the less it matters who is teaching the class.
Personally, I think the quality of Bikram Yoga teachers varies a lot, and for me, it can make a huge difference on those days when I am struggling. Sometimes it absolutely does not, and that is where I see my development as a practitioner and the beauty of the dialogue. There are teachers that just spew out the dialogue without any additions or personal corrections - nothing but straight-up dialogue delivered in an even tone. I had a class like this a few days ago and it was really rather refreshing. (It actually made me think about how a lot of the nonsense teachers babble during class can be annoying and I worry that their shitty opinions are going to tattoo themselves onto my subconscious, because I am so open to receiving their words during my practice.)
But for me, I'm already hooked. The main reason why a "good" teacher is more desirable than a crappy one or a really standard kind of teacher that doesn't stray from the dialogue is that with all the distractions life has to offer and the considerable commitment that maintaining a regular practice requires, studios really need those knockout teachers to provide motivation. Think about how many students drop out and start doing different styles of yoga, or stop doing yoga altogether. This happens by the hundreds! Let's face it, Bikram Yoga is more challenging, it's hotter, it's more intimidating, it's longer, it's more expensive, and the fact that it proclaims itself to take place in a "torture chamber" isn't exactly the selling point that true devotees might imagine it to be! Keeping ordinary students coming is a challenge for any studio, I would imagine. Meanwhile, a single memorable class with a clever, loving teacher could turn a new student into a lifer.
Anyway, I have often lamented the fact that there are so many great intermediate level students that practice regularly that would make excellent teachers, but the majority of these people will never teach. In order for a person to have the desire to be a teacher, the nine weeks available at the specific times of year that the training is offered, and the money to go to training, for all of that to line up, well, that's obviously quite rare and a very special thing. My concern is that spoiled and whimsical young adults who have that kind of free block of time and free access to the bank of mom and dad are somewhat over-represented, and this demographic often (but not always) don't turn out to be the most knowledgeable or motivating. At least not for me.
This being said, I do still believe that we are truly saved by the dialogue and the sequence, and I am eternally grateful that it is copyrighted.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Challenge Ups & Downs
On Day 32 (truly 29) of my 50 day challenge, and it has brought great joys. I pushed myself harder. than. ever. ever. before today and I have a mandatory bath with epsom salts in my very near future!
I have been a lazybones in Half Moon. It's official. I am not sure why. I have it buried deep in my subconscious that Pranayama Breathing, Half Moon with Hands to Feet, and Awkward (the first breathing exercise - actually a posture in my opinion! - and the first two postures) are the hardest part of the class and if I push myself too hard, I could use up all my energy and not go strong for the rest of the class. In fact we are reassured that the opposite is true. In any case, today I really went for it in Half Moon and it was quite scary, but I felt a bit sheepish afterwards because I realized how much deeper I can stretch my spine to the sides than I usually do.
With my lower back injury or issue or whatever the hell is up with my back I have been strictly pushing myself further than I want to in all of the backbends. God, I used to be lazy. Locked in my comfort zone. Not anymore. (By the way, please don't ever lie to yourself into believing the oft stated untruth that you can't make progress or do as well as you could before because of your age. If you took the 20 year old me and compared it to the 34 year old me, man oh man. You'd know that you really can turn back the clock. You can build a whole new you. I understand that I'm relatively young still. But all the same, I hear people my age and younger complaining about the ill effects of age and time on their bodies on a daily basis. I'm living proof it doesn't have to be that way!)
Anyway back to backbending, I especially love it when I am face to face with the floor during the first backbend and I hear at least three cracks. That happened today and I thought I was gonna die. In a good way. Sometimes, especially in the morning, my spine is like: UH ... NO. Sometimes I look back and that is all I can do: my spine stays stationary. I used to get mad at myself when that happened, as though I'd failed. Now I feel like a scientist doing a study on my own body. It is a fantastic thing to get to know your body as well as you can being a yogi. Before it was like living in a house where you never turned the lights on.
Hands to Feet had been borderline impossible earlier this challenge due to my back pain, especially on the right side. Sciatica, some have said it is. Seriously, after doing yoga for 10 years I found myself unable to touch my toes. Disappointing to say the least, extremely painful at its worst. Anyway, I am really happy to say that I am almost back to normal flexibility after about a month and a half of concentrated effort. One stretch that I have found to be particularly helpful is called "stacking the logs" (google it, obviously) - my cousin, who is a dancer and had also suffered with lower back pain, was recommended this stretch for at least 60 seconds on several each side, times a day. She told me she was very consistent and it made a difference. I do it at least once a day (usually post-final savasana, in the hot room) and like I said, I do have much less pain in my body than I did, say, last January, but that could be due to a number of factors. I do stretch in the evenings as well, a lot of hip openers like pigeon pose and the type of stretching for the splits and to ease pressure on the lower back. But I must say, when I didn't do my "stack the logs" for a few days there and then I attempted to do the stretch one day when my body was totally cold, my lower back started twitching and I couldn't believe how tight I was, and what a relief it was to stretch that way. So yes, it's a good one. Stretching is just so vital to a good feeling in the body, isn't it?
There is a girl at my school in a wheelchair, and I was looking at her one day and thinking about all the stretches I would do if I ever had to be in a wheelchair. I got pretty deep into this fantasy. I don't anticipate that being the case for me, of course! Heaven forbid. But goes to show how "into" stretching I am!
My most challenging pose when it comes right down to it continues to be Standing Head to knee, or in my case, Standing. Problem number one, of course, is that I cannot fully kick either of my legs out, let alone get my head to my knee, and it's not due to not being able to lock my knee. I can lock my knee for the full sixty seconds. I just can't stretch my leg out. Also, for the past seven years I have been duckfeeting it, (and I know that I do it, it's just that I feel wildly out of alignment when I don't tilt my standing leg's foot out to the side) and I was finally properly called out on this, by one of the teachers whose class I take regularly, and who is a medical doctor. She told me to talk to her after class, and explained to me that I have a lot of flexibility in my knee (I didn't even know that one's knee could be flexible or inflexible) and have not developed the necessary muscles in my inner thigh and buttocks, that my flexible knee is taking all the weight of the posture, and feeling the need to spread my feet was actually compensation. She went on to say that 'lock the knee' actually means lock the inner and outer thigh, the buttock, and the hip - it's all got to lock solid. Well, I didn't know that, did I? She said it could take another 20 or 25 classes, but that I had to re-align in that posture and build up strength in other areas. And, of course, be sure that my standing foot is pointing straight towards the mirror. Then I can start thinking about kicking out. Seven years, people, and this is where I am. My friend Genieve could lock her knee and kick out straight on her very first Bikram yoga class, which was also her very first yoga class. I couldn't believe it. Mind you, I've seen some people there for years and they're still kicking out on a bent knee, which is probably the worst thing you could do (and I never did that, thankfully). Don't do that! Be patient. I'm glad I know exactly what I have to do now. If you're not where you want to be in a posture, there is nothing you can do to force that. You just have to keep trucking, day by day, and do the posture the right way. I can tell you that a tiny bit of progress is actually very significant. If there's one thing I can say after having gained the amount of experience that I now have with this yoga practice, it's that there really are no shortcuts. Doing the posture the wrong way in order to go deeper (or appear to be going deeper) is absolutely the essence of counter-productivity in terms of building a yoga practice. It's an illusion. I've done it. Don't.
Well, that's my update for now. I had a very weak week back there somewhere, I think two weeks back, and it didn't help matters that I was trying to diet for the first thirty days of this challenge! I am eating well, hydrating, taking vitamin C and chlorella, green smoothies, lots of fruit, big bowls of oatmeal, and as much sleep as I can squeeze in. I'm going for it! Day 32 and feeling very strong.
I have been a lazybones in Half Moon. It's official. I am not sure why. I have it buried deep in my subconscious that Pranayama Breathing, Half Moon with Hands to Feet, and Awkward (the first breathing exercise - actually a posture in my opinion! - and the first two postures) are the hardest part of the class and if I push myself too hard, I could use up all my energy and not go strong for the rest of the class. In fact we are reassured that the opposite is true. In any case, today I really went for it in Half Moon and it was quite scary, but I felt a bit sheepish afterwards because I realized how much deeper I can stretch my spine to the sides than I usually do.
With my lower back injury or issue or whatever the hell is up with my back I have been strictly pushing myself further than I want to in all of the backbends. God, I used to be lazy. Locked in my comfort zone. Not anymore. (By the way, please don't ever lie to yourself into believing the oft stated untruth that you can't make progress or do as well as you could before because of your age. If you took the 20 year old me and compared it to the 34 year old me, man oh man. You'd know that you really can turn back the clock. You can build a whole new you. I understand that I'm relatively young still. But all the same, I hear people my age and younger complaining about the ill effects of age and time on their bodies on a daily basis. I'm living proof it doesn't have to be that way!)
Anyway back to backbending, I especially love it when I am face to face with the floor during the first backbend and I hear at least three cracks. That happened today and I thought I was gonna die. In a good way. Sometimes, especially in the morning, my spine is like: UH ... NO. Sometimes I look back and that is all I can do: my spine stays stationary. I used to get mad at myself when that happened, as though I'd failed. Now I feel like a scientist doing a study on my own body. It is a fantastic thing to get to know your body as well as you can being a yogi. Before it was like living in a house where you never turned the lights on.
Hands to Feet had been borderline impossible earlier this challenge due to my back pain, especially on the right side. Sciatica, some have said it is. Seriously, after doing yoga for 10 years I found myself unable to touch my toes. Disappointing to say the least, extremely painful at its worst. Anyway, I am really happy to say that I am almost back to normal flexibility after about a month and a half of concentrated effort. One stretch that I have found to be particularly helpful is called "stacking the logs" (google it, obviously) - my cousin, who is a dancer and had also suffered with lower back pain, was recommended this stretch for at least 60 seconds on several each side, times a day. She told me she was very consistent and it made a difference. I do it at least once a day (usually post-final savasana, in the hot room) and like I said, I do have much less pain in my body than I did, say, last January, but that could be due to a number of factors. I do stretch in the evenings as well, a lot of hip openers like pigeon pose and the type of stretching for the splits and to ease pressure on the lower back. But I must say, when I didn't do my "stack the logs" for a few days there and then I attempted to do the stretch one day when my body was totally cold, my lower back started twitching and I couldn't believe how tight I was, and what a relief it was to stretch that way. So yes, it's a good one. Stretching is just so vital to a good feeling in the body, isn't it?
There is a girl at my school in a wheelchair, and I was looking at her one day and thinking about all the stretches I would do if I ever had to be in a wheelchair. I got pretty deep into this fantasy. I don't anticipate that being the case for me, of course! Heaven forbid. But goes to show how "into" stretching I am!
My most challenging pose when it comes right down to it continues to be Standing Head to knee, or in my case, Standing. Problem number one, of course, is that I cannot fully kick either of my legs out, let alone get my head to my knee, and it's not due to not being able to lock my knee. I can lock my knee for the full sixty seconds. I just can't stretch my leg out. Also, for the past seven years I have been duckfeeting it, (and I know that I do it, it's just that I feel wildly out of alignment when I don't tilt my standing leg's foot out to the side) and I was finally properly called out on this, by one of the teachers whose class I take regularly, and who is a medical doctor. She told me to talk to her after class, and explained to me that I have a lot of flexibility in my knee (I didn't even know that one's knee could be flexible or inflexible) and have not developed the necessary muscles in my inner thigh and buttocks, that my flexible knee is taking all the weight of the posture, and feeling the need to spread my feet was actually compensation. She went on to say that 'lock the knee' actually means lock the inner and outer thigh, the buttock, and the hip - it's all got to lock solid. Well, I didn't know that, did I? She said it could take another 20 or 25 classes, but that I had to re-align in that posture and build up strength in other areas. And, of course, be sure that my standing foot is pointing straight towards the mirror. Then I can start thinking about kicking out. Seven years, people, and this is where I am. My friend Genieve could lock her knee and kick out straight on her very first Bikram yoga class, which was also her very first yoga class. I couldn't believe it. Mind you, I've seen some people there for years and they're still kicking out on a bent knee, which is probably the worst thing you could do (and I never did that, thankfully). Don't do that! Be patient. I'm glad I know exactly what I have to do now. If you're not where you want to be in a posture, there is nothing you can do to force that. You just have to keep trucking, day by day, and do the posture the right way. I can tell you that a tiny bit of progress is actually very significant. If there's one thing I can say after having gained the amount of experience that I now have with this yoga practice, it's that there really are no shortcuts. Doing the posture the wrong way in order to go deeper (or appear to be going deeper) is absolutely the essence of counter-productivity in terms of building a yoga practice. It's an illusion. I've done it. Don't.
Well, that's my update for now. I had a very weak week back there somewhere, I think two weeks back, and it didn't help matters that I was trying to diet for the first thirty days of this challenge! I am eating well, hydrating, taking vitamin C and chlorella, green smoothies, lots of fruit, big bowls of oatmeal, and as much sleep as I can squeeze in. I'm going for it! Day 32 and feeling very strong.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Day 22
Today I thought long and hard about my priorities and what I truly want out of life. I came to the realization that although I have thought I had been living authentically, I haven't been, not completely. And the truth is, in my estimation, that not living completely authentically is not living authentically at all.
I really get discouraged and disturbed when I bear witness to (and realize I'm a part of) the bullshit way we communicate with one another as a society. We feel annoyance, resentment, and genuine anger towards the people in our lives, yet we don't tell these people how we really feel. Instead we bottle it up and let it linger, fester, build up, our only relief being complaining to others' behind their backs, or letting them "have it"in tiny jabs and brisk comments. It's so fucking stupid. I used to be considered very argumentative and at times hard to get along with, (rarely, of course, with acquaintances and strangers, only with the people closest to me, and of those people, only some of them), and after enough people complained about the same thing, I did adjust my level of reactiveness. I'm glad I did. I am not saying I want to return to arguing with people. But at the opposite end of the spectrum now, I do think it's unloving and disingenuous to just let everything go all the time. Why? Because we're not really letting it go. In some recess of our brains, we are "keeping track". And I think it's damaging. It hurts our relationship with our higher selves, and damages and makes superficial our relationships with other people. I just don't want to live like that anymore. I DO have serious issues
with and concerns about some people in my life, for them as individuals as well as in terms of our relationship, and I don't believe that I can keep living as though this isn't the truth.
Today I made the decision that I would be very upfront and honest about the direction one of my oldest (active) friendships has taken. I have been enabling what I consider to be destructive behavioural patterns for so long. Why? Out of fear. Fear that once I started being truly authentic and honest about how disappointing I find our relationship to be, I wouldn't be able to stop, and years of resentment would come tumbling out. And that she would be mad at me, or not face me anymore. One of my biggest fears - and this is truly my ego speaking - is that my truth will be so devastating to a person that it will turn their lives upside down and they won't be able to recover, and ultimately, I will be the cause of that.
Anyway, I wrote this friend a letter, and although it is clear, firm, and I go further with the truth of my feelings than I've ever gone before, it really only scratches the surface. Still, I worry. I've sent the email. Reactions to come.
To me it's plain that so many people live their lives in this screwed up, dependent manner, just one step away from falling apart. Lonely, unfulfilled, bored, playing their role in dysfunctional relationships. Lives of quiet desperation, as Pink Floyd would say. But to point it out, to bemoan this reality, is to have different priorities than the norm. Truly. I feel that this is the essence of being common, and my whole life I have resisted it.
Although I'm not exactly where I want to be in life, I am not trapped, and for this I am eternally grateful. I still believe that I have a world of possibility ahead of me. I don't earn or have the money I want to, or hope to, but I have ultimately made the decision that I cannot live my life locked to a company, without the freedom to work independently, or take unpaid leaves of absence. I simply will not. Similarly, I am very hesitant about being tied to a mortgage. I understand (to some basic degree) the value of being a home owner, and I see that on a particular view, paying rent is a fruitless scheme. But at the same time, you are ultimately paying for your freedom. Freedom to live in the area you want to live in, and not merely where you can afford to buy. The freedom to pick up and leave.
I do understand that what I have written here represents merely my own current system of values, and in writing this I do not suggest that it is right to adopt it. Many people in my society are living a life that would be miserable to me, and they rejoice in it. I don't doubt this for a second, and that is not my point. (In fact, many of those people are INDEED living their truth, and I condone them, no matter what their lifestyle.)
My point is that I do believe that my values are much more common than people are courageous enough to admit, and to deny one's own self the liberty and right of living according to one's OWN SYSTEM OF VALUES, not those of their spouse, parents', siblings', friends', or society, is to live inauthentically. I also have come to believe that it is utterly wrong and selfish to depend on anyone or expect anyone to behave in a certain way, or do anything - ANYTHING - merely because you want them to, or that is your preference. That is exactly how we are taught to structure our relationships, and it is BS. That is conditional love, and it is the poisonous seed of co-dependence. It would also take enormous pressure off to know that no one was doing anything for me as a special favour, or against their true desire, but rather because in their heart they wanted to do that thing. To me, that is amazing. It is such a lie to think that asking people to do things they don't want to do - just because we want them to - is the basis of a loving, authentic relationship. I used to think just the opposite of this. But it is just enabling yourself and the other person to depend on each other for one's own personal happiness. This is so dangerous. Actually, it is a recipe for disaster. Yet it is the basis for romantic and familial love as we know it in our society, and we are encouraged to demand it, or at least manipulate each other to get what we want to the best of our ability. This is not to say I don't think it's OK to ask. Yes, absolutely! That's part of it. Ask, and be totally honest about your preferences. But don't be disappointed if the answer is: "hell, no!"
And also, don't be afraid to say no yourself, as I've mentioned in an earlier post. It is the right thing to do, even when it feels counterintuitive. Just say no! No, I'm sorry, I'm too tired. No, I'm sorry, I don't want to. Whatever! It doesn't matter why the answer is no. That's your business.
I question myself how realistic I'm being here, as this is not exactly a formula I have followed precisely. I have made ALL of these mistakes, and more, in virtually every relationship I've ever been a part of. (And I used to be truly hopeless at saying "no", but now I'm a C - ... I'll get there!) Nevertheless, this does represent what I truly believe, and it's about time I start being vocal about it.
I also realize that in everything I have said, I am only halfway there.
I must start being more honest with myself and with the people in my life about how I feel, about them, about our relationships, about what I want, about the boundaries I wish to set. About everything. Even if it rocks the boat. Even if the storm that has been brewing, collecting ammunition, finally settles down on this town and rips the houses from their foundation and rocks every boat at the port. Kaboom!
I must do it, without fear of consequence.
I must live authentically! Only then.
I really get discouraged and disturbed when I bear witness to (and realize I'm a part of) the bullshit way we communicate with one another as a society. We feel annoyance, resentment, and genuine anger towards the people in our lives, yet we don't tell these people how we really feel. Instead we bottle it up and let it linger, fester, build up, our only relief being complaining to others' behind their backs, or letting them "have it"in tiny jabs and brisk comments. It's so fucking stupid. I used to be considered very argumentative and at times hard to get along with, (rarely, of course, with acquaintances and strangers, only with the people closest to me, and of those people, only some of them), and after enough people complained about the same thing, I did adjust my level of reactiveness. I'm glad I did. I am not saying I want to return to arguing with people. But at the opposite end of the spectrum now, I do think it's unloving and disingenuous to just let everything go all the time. Why? Because we're not really letting it go. In some recess of our brains, we are "keeping track". And I think it's damaging. It hurts our relationship with our higher selves, and damages and makes superficial our relationships with other people. I just don't want to live like that anymore. I DO have serious issues
with and concerns about some people in my life, for them as individuals as well as in terms of our relationship, and I don't believe that I can keep living as though this isn't the truth.
Today I made the decision that I would be very upfront and honest about the direction one of my oldest (active) friendships has taken. I have been enabling what I consider to be destructive behavioural patterns for so long. Why? Out of fear. Fear that once I started being truly authentic and honest about how disappointing I find our relationship to be, I wouldn't be able to stop, and years of resentment would come tumbling out. And that she would be mad at me, or not face me anymore. One of my biggest fears - and this is truly my ego speaking - is that my truth will be so devastating to a person that it will turn their lives upside down and they won't be able to recover, and ultimately, I will be the cause of that.
Anyway, I wrote this friend a letter, and although it is clear, firm, and I go further with the truth of my feelings than I've ever gone before, it really only scratches the surface. Still, I worry. I've sent the email. Reactions to come.
To me it's plain that so many people live their lives in this screwed up, dependent manner, just one step away from falling apart. Lonely, unfulfilled, bored, playing their role in dysfunctional relationships. Lives of quiet desperation, as Pink Floyd would say. But to point it out, to bemoan this reality, is to have different priorities than the norm. Truly. I feel that this is the essence of being common, and my whole life I have resisted it.
Although I'm not exactly where I want to be in life, I am not trapped, and for this I am eternally grateful. I still believe that I have a world of possibility ahead of me. I don't earn or have the money I want to, or hope to, but I have ultimately made the decision that I cannot live my life locked to a company, without the freedom to work independently, or take unpaid leaves of absence. I simply will not. Similarly, I am very hesitant about being tied to a mortgage. I understand (to some basic degree) the value of being a home owner, and I see that on a particular view, paying rent is a fruitless scheme. But at the same time, you are ultimately paying for your freedom. Freedom to live in the area you want to live in, and not merely where you can afford to buy. The freedom to pick up and leave.
I do understand that what I have written here represents merely my own current system of values, and in writing this I do not suggest that it is right to adopt it. Many people in my society are living a life that would be miserable to me, and they rejoice in it. I don't doubt this for a second, and that is not my point. (In fact, many of those people are INDEED living their truth, and I condone them, no matter what their lifestyle.)
My point is that I do believe that my values are much more common than people are courageous enough to admit, and to deny one's own self the liberty and right of living according to one's OWN SYSTEM OF VALUES, not those of their spouse, parents', siblings', friends', or society, is to live inauthentically. I also have come to believe that it is utterly wrong and selfish to depend on anyone or expect anyone to behave in a certain way, or do anything - ANYTHING - merely because you want them to, or that is your preference. That is exactly how we are taught to structure our relationships, and it is BS. That is conditional love, and it is the poisonous seed of co-dependence. It would also take enormous pressure off to know that no one was doing anything for me as a special favour, or against their true desire, but rather because in their heart they wanted to do that thing. To me, that is amazing. It is such a lie to think that asking people to do things they don't want to do - just because we want them to - is the basis of a loving, authentic relationship. I used to think just the opposite of this. But it is just enabling yourself and the other person to depend on each other for one's own personal happiness. This is so dangerous. Actually, it is a recipe for disaster. Yet it is the basis for romantic and familial love as we know it in our society, and we are encouraged to demand it, or at least manipulate each other to get what we want to the best of our ability. This is not to say I don't think it's OK to ask. Yes, absolutely! That's part of it. Ask, and be totally honest about your preferences. But don't be disappointed if the answer is: "hell, no!"
And also, don't be afraid to say no yourself, as I've mentioned in an earlier post. It is the right thing to do, even when it feels counterintuitive. Just say no! No, I'm sorry, I'm too tired. No, I'm sorry, I don't want to. Whatever! It doesn't matter why the answer is no. That's your business.
I question myself how realistic I'm being here, as this is not exactly a formula I have followed precisely. I have made ALL of these mistakes, and more, in virtually every relationship I've ever been a part of. (And I used to be truly hopeless at saying "no", but now I'm a C - ... I'll get there!) Nevertheless, this does represent what I truly believe, and it's about time I start being vocal about it.
I also realize that in everything I have said, I am only halfway there.
I must start being more honest with myself and with the people in my life about how I feel, about them, about our relationships, about what I want, about the boundaries I wish to set. About everything. Even if it rocks the boat. Even if the storm that has been brewing, collecting ammunition, finally settles down on this town and rips the houses from their foundation and rocks every boat at the port. Kaboom!
I must do it, without fear of consequence.
I must live authentically! Only then.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Pickle Juice!
Last night was my sister's birthday and I had a couple of glasses of wine times three. Yeah, about that. Maybe a bit more. Times four? No! Couldn't have been...
Anyway I am not disallowing alcohol in my life at this time; rather I am making hydration a must at all times. After spending last Sunday lying on the beach all day without any water, sweating litres in class later that day, and then not properly hydrating, I REALLY paid for that on the Monday. Not repeating that. So in a way I'm glad I had that experience because I never want to feel that way again, and I won't.
My body is very sensitive right now. I am practicing food combining (for the most part) meaning that I either have a carb like rice or yam or squash with veggies, OR a protein like meat, chicken, fish, etc with veggies, but not a carb and a protein together at the same meal, (and sometimes I just have veggies with no carb or protein), AND I only eat fruit on an empty stomach. I don't know to what degree food combining is necessary or effective for me, but as I've mentioned I am trying to drop a few more pounds and I want to maximize digestive efficiency in order to utilize all the nutrients I consume the best way I can, and save energy. Anyway, I threw caution to the wind this weekend - for instance last night we ate at the Keg, and I had bread, cheese (which I'm not really having right now), tons of butter, steak, crab, potatoes...and ice cream cake for dessert Whew! (That is NOT a typical meal for me but needless to say: amazingly yummy). Ordinarily my stomach would actually be fine with all that as I'm not that food sensitive, but that certainly affected my stomach and energy levels last night and today, especially with all that wine. I haven't felt that FULL in a long time, and I must say that feeling about that full was a very regular, almost daily fact of life for me in the past. How could I have lived like that?! It was so unpleasant.
Oh but it didn't stop there. Today I had a mini burger at Mother's Day lunch (alongside chicken salad) and then a relatively small piece of cake with whipped cream and strawberries about two hours later. It really wasn't that much food, but again: I felt it. In fact I conked out for about an hour and a half, even though I'd slept 8.5 hours last night! When I woke up I could still feel that cake sitting there, and it took yoga to move all that food through my system. To be honest, I didn't eat again today. I'm not sure if that's bad, but I just didn't feel the need or desire. After yoga I prepared a very delicious lunch for myself tomorrow consisting of a Thai veggie soup and steamed squash with all kinds of delightful seasonings, but I didn't feel the slightest inkling to eat any of it. There have been quite a few days on this challenge where I have not eaten dinner. The paleo crowd says that this is fine, and from an evolutionary perspective and looking at different groups around the world, it is and has been VERY normal to skip a meal. But it was always so ingrained in us never to do that, and generally as a society we're still quite hooked on the 3 square meals a day thing. Also there's the blood sugar thing. If I feel hungry and I don't eat, I turn illogical and emotional (something my ex could see coming a mile away, and would call "bonking"). So, who knows. Some say "listen to your body", others say "what about when your body tells you to eat a whole box of cookies?! No, definitely do not listen to your body in fact that term doesn't even mean anything."
Anyway, since Day 1 (20 days ago) I have dropped 3-5 pounds (it goes up and down depending on the day). I guess that is quite significant, it just doesn't feel like it because I am still not at my slimmest.
Moving along, I had the strongest class of my challenge today! I judge a class by many things, but one is the way I feel during the 20 second savasanas of the floor series. if I feel restless and heatstroked and exhausted, that's bot a great class. today I felt deep calm and even a kind of euphoria. So great! the classes that keep you going. My back was almost pain free and I haven't yet mentioned that I have seen big improvements with my flexibility. My body is healing! It is no longer the case that I feel the need to modify my postures just to stay out of pain.
During class the teacher mentioned that during her teacher training the attendees would drink pickle juice to get the salts back in their body. (By the way, I have been consuming more salt than usual and feeling that it has been a benefit. Miso soup feels like an especially nutrifying and helpful food at this time.) So a girl piped up and said that pickle juice was the cure for hangovers in Russia.
Well, that was all I needed to hear. I was sold. When I got home - without thinkng about it, without ANY hesitation - I had my very first cold, refreshing glass of pickle juice ... and it tasted DIVINE!
Try it!
Anyway I am not disallowing alcohol in my life at this time; rather I am making hydration a must at all times. After spending last Sunday lying on the beach all day without any water, sweating litres in class later that day, and then not properly hydrating, I REALLY paid for that on the Monday. Not repeating that. So in a way I'm glad I had that experience because I never want to feel that way again, and I won't.
My body is very sensitive right now. I am practicing food combining (for the most part) meaning that I either have a carb like rice or yam or squash with veggies, OR a protein like meat, chicken, fish, etc with veggies, but not a carb and a protein together at the same meal, (and sometimes I just have veggies with no carb or protein), AND I only eat fruit on an empty stomach. I don't know to what degree food combining is necessary or effective for me, but as I've mentioned I am trying to drop a few more pounds and I want to maximize digestive efficiency in order to utilize all the nutrients I consume the best way I can, and save energy. Anyway, I threw caution to the wind this weekend - for instance last night we ate at the Keg, and I had bread, cheese (which I'm not really having right now), tons of butter, steak, crab, potatoes...and ice cream cake for dessert Whew! (That is NOT a typical meal for me but needless to say: amazingly yummy). Ordinarily my stomach would actually be fine with all that as I'm not that food sensitive, but that certainly affected my stomach and energy levels last night and today, especially with all that wine. I haven't felt that FULL in a long time, and I must say that feeling about that full was a very regular, almost daily fact of life for me in the past. How could I have lived like that?! It was so unpleasant.
Oh but it didn't stop there. Today I had a mini burger at Mother's Day lunch (alongside chicken salad) and then a relatively small piece of cake with whipped cream and strawberries about two hours later. It really wasn't that much food, but again: I felt it. In fact I conked out for about an hour and a half, even though I'd slept 8.5 hours last night! When I woke up I could still feel that cake sitting there, and it took yoga to move all that food through my system. To be honest, I didn't eat again today. I'm not sure if that's bad, but I just didn't feel the need or desire. After yoga I prepared a very delicious lunch for myself tomorrow consisting of a Thai veggie soup and steamed squash with all kinds of delightful seasonings, but I didn't feel the slightest inkling to eat any of it. There have been quite a few days on this challenge where I have not eaten dinner. The paleo crowd says that this is fine, and from an evolutionary perspective and looking at different groups around the world, it is and has been VERY normal to skip a meal. But it was always so ingrained in us never to do that, and generally as a society we're still quite hooked on the 3 square meals a day thing. Also there's the blood sugar thing. If I feel hungry and I don't eat, I turn illogical and emotional (something my ex could see coming a mile away, and would call "bonking"). So, who knows. Some say "listen to your body", others say "what about when your body tells you to eat a whole box of cookies?! No, definitely do not listen to your body in fact that term doesn't even mean anything."
Anyway, since Day 1 (20 days ago) I have dropped 3-5 pounds (it goes up and down depending on the day). I guess that is quite significant, it just doesn't feel like it because I am still not at my slimmest.
Moving along, I had the strongest class of my challenge today! I judge a class by many things, but one is the way I feel during the 20 second savasanas of the floor series. if I feel restless and heatstroked and exhausted, that's bot a great class. today I felt deep calm and even a kind of euphoria. So great! the classes that keep you going. My back was almost pain free and I haven't yet mentioned that I have seen big improvements with my flexibility. My body is healing! It is no longer the case that I feel the need to modify my postures just to stay out of pain.
During class the teacher mentioned that during her teacher training the attendees would drink pickle juice to get the salts back in their body. (By the way, I have been consuming more salt than usual and feeling that it has been a benefit. Miso soup feels like an especially nutrifying and helpful food at this time.) So a girl piped up and said that pickle juice was the cure for hangovers in Russia.
Well, that was all I needed to hear. I was sold. When I got home - without thinkng about it, without ANY hesitation - I had my very first cold, refreshing glass of pickle juice ... and it tasted DIVINE!
Try it!
Tuesday, May 07, 2013
I was abducted by aliens during pranayana
It's 11:30 and long past my bedtime, well in an ideal world that is, but I forgot I'd made this commitment to writing in here every day. Why, oh I don't know. I want to keep track of the highs and lows of my challenge. One day, people may actually read this blog, and I want them to have some back entries to turn to.
Anyway, I'd mentioned yesterday that I lay on the beach without any sunscreen or water yesterday for the first time this season; up until yesterday, we'd basically been in winter. Well, not exactly, but it definitely hadn't started bikini season yet. So I was feeling amazing and great yesterday and I went to sleep on cloud 9.
I even had fantasies about waking up at 5:20 this morning to go to the early morning class. Insert PeeWee Herman's laugh at this point if you're familiar with such a thing. It sounds like this: haHA!
Not a chance!
I woke up at 7, feeling like I'd been bulldozed. I got ready for work inna total haze and tried to dress myself in a bizarre, comfy outfit consisting of short shorts and a sports bra under a baggy tank top, clearly NOT business casual (luckily I had the sense to change) I could barely walk to the train my right hip was aching so badly (God only knows why) and I was just weak: completely in a weakened state.
Now I have to admit here that I am doing something rather foolish but it's just that I am a bridesmaid in two weeks and I just wanted to shed a few pounds. Yes I am on a diet. No I'm not eating enough calories to support my lifestyle. End of story for now - yes there are more details than that but the bottom line is I just want to get down to a certain magical number on the scale for this durn wedding and then after that I will ease up a bit. Ok I'll digress: Low carb style eating is effective for weightloss for me but I just loathe it and also it makes me feel like shit. So I have to carb it up. Not massively, but I'm sorry veg and fruit alone is not carb enough, not by a long shot. So that means I have to do low cal, if there's any hope of shedding a few pounds. I'm in a transition phase.
Also, throughout the week I've been doing a wee bit of interval and weight training.
So yes, I woke up this morning feeling like I was about 80 years old. Luckily I had prepped a fantastically healthy and filling lunch so I really indulged, and by the afternoon I was feeling better. Not 100%, though. It's really quite hot here and I think that might be adding to the lethargy, not to mention my sunburn. But intuitively I feel that the main culprit is dehydration. So I really tried to wawa it up but I still had 2 coffees...and I could have done with another 500 ml of water evenly drunk throughout the morning. I've got to stay on top of that tomorrow. I tend to forget to drink and then chug, which isn't as efficient a hydration method, imo.
After trying to relax a bit I trudged into my studio at 7:15 pm this evening like I'd been conscripted for the army. Everyone got a heavy dose of my moaning (and they were very good about it! they humoured me, lets put it that way!) This is not normal behaviour, I'll have you know. Everyone else is all perks and smiles and jazzy little outfits. It's only me that keeps carrying on about being on a challenge as though some unseen force is making me do this. The funny thing is that I am the only one doing the 50 day "guru challenge", as it's being called. There are sone doing the 30 day. But only crazy I am doing the 50 day. I keep having to remind myself that I'm the one that signed up for this!
So something very strange happened: one moment we'd begun pranayama breathing and the next SECOND (it felt like) we were already starting half moon. I thought the teacher was joking! Seriously. I even looked around again and again, utterly confused, my knuckles still glued to my chin, but when I realized no one else was acting like anything else was amiss, I figured that I had gone into full speed autopilot for virtually all of pranayama breathing, both sets. Yikes. It turns out I remember what I had been thinking about: a recipe I'd read online about these oat blueberry muffins. Yup. The idea of baking and eating those delicious muffins so consumed me it was as though I'd "lost time", as people claim to do when they are abducted! Yeah I really need to eat something...!
Anyway, I'd mentioned yesterday that I lay on the beach without any sunscreen or water yesterday for the first time this season; up until yesterday, we'd basically been in winter. Well, not exactly, but it definitely hadn't started bikini season yet. So I was feeling amazing and great yesterday and I went to sleep on cloud 9.
I even had fantasies about waking up at 5:20 this morning to go to the early morning class. Insert PeeWee Herman's laugh at this point if you're familiar with such a thing. It sounds like this: haHA!
Not a chance!
I woke up at 7, feeling like I'd been bulldozed. I got ready for work inna total haze and tried to dress myself in a bizarre, comfy outfit consisting of short shorts and a sports bra under a baggy tank top, clearly NOT business casual (luckily I had the sense to change) I could barely walk to the train my right hip was aching so badly (God only knows why) and I was just weak: completely in a weakened state.
Now I have to admit here that I am doing something rather foolish but it's just that I am a bridesmaid in two weeks and I just wanted to shed a few pounds. Yes I am on a diet. No I'm not eating enough calories to support my lifestyle. End of story for now - yes there are more details than that but the bottom line is I just want to get down to a certain magical number on the scale for this durn wedding and then after that I will ease up a bit. Ok I'll digress: Low carb style eating is effective for weightloss for me but I just loathe it and also it makes me feel like shit. So I have to carb it up. Not massively, but I'm sorry veg and fruit alone is not carb enough, not by a long shot. So that means I have to do low cal, if there's any hope of shedding a few pounds. I'm in a transition phase.
Also, throughout the week I've been doing a wee bit of interval and weight training.
So yes, I woke up this morning feeling like I was about 80 years old. Luckily I had prepped a fantastically healthy and filling lunch so I really indulged, and by the afternoon I was feeling better. Not 100%, though. It's really quite hot here and I think that might be adding to the lethargy, not to mention my sunburn. But intuitively I feel that the main culprit is dehydration. So I really tried to wawa it up but I still had 2 coffees...and I could have done with another 500 ml of water evenly drunk throughout the morning. I've got to stay on top of that tomorrow. I tend to forget to drink and then chug, which isn't as efficient a hydration method, imo.
After trying to relax a bit I trudged into my studio at 7:15 pm this evening like I'd been conscripted for the army. Everyone got a heavy dose of my moaning (and they were very good about it! they humoured me, lets put it that way!) This is not normal behaviour, I'll have you know. Everyone else is all perks and smiles and jazzy little outfits. It's only me that keeps carrying on about being on a challenge as though some unseen force is making me do this. The funny thing is that I am the only one doing the 50 day "guru challenge", as it's being called. There are sone doing the 30 day. But only crazy I am doing the 50 day. I keep having to remind myself that I'm the one that signed up for this!
So something very strange happened: one moment we'd begun pranayama breathing and the next SECOND (it felt like) we were already starting half moon. I thought the teacher was joking! Seriously. I even looked around again and again, utterly confused, my knuckles still glued to my chin, but when I realized no one else was acting like anything else was amiss, I figured that I had gone into full speed autopilot for virtually all of pranayama breathing, both sets. Yikes. It turns out I remember what I had been thinking about: a recipe I'd read online about these oat blueberry muffins. Yup. The idea of baking and eating those delicious muffins so consumed me it was as though I'd "lost time", as people claim to do when they are abducted! Yeah I really need to eat something...!
Sunday, May 05, 2013
Sun Smart? Not a chance. I was a Sun Fool!
I had my first real beach day today, meaning I lay on the sand in a bathing suit. It was gorgeous. Absolutely adored being there. It was a bit chilly when I arrived at around 11 am, but warmed up quickly and just about hit that summer feeling by later afternoon. Anyway, I don't know what I was thinking, but I didn't use any protection and I just lay there, exposed, for a good couple of hours. What can I say? I lost my mind. I had heatstroke. I am now sunburned. This is so rare an event for me; I spent four months in Hawaii last year and did not even burn once. But here I am in dreary old Vancouver, lobster chested on the 5th of May. WTH!
I thought I might have a dreadful class at 4:15 pm today post-beach with getting all that sun, also - I felt I hadn't hydrated well enough. Instead of my mainstay, ie WATER, I chose to drink coffee, Kombucha drink, and a big can of coconut water on the beach. Again, what was I thinking? I didn't even bring my water bottle to the beach. So I grabbed a one litre of regular water on the drive home and tried to chug as much of it as I could before class. Actually, I almost finished it, but prior to that I hadn't even drunk any water at all today, except for a bit first thing in the morning.
Anyway, the sun must have given me power all the same, because I had a tremendous class. I sweat buckets. I was definitely mildly uncomfortable and feeling warmer than usual because of my sun-kissed skin, but overall, really strong one. It also occurred to me that it feels like a great break if you go to an early morning class one day and then on the next day you go to an afternoon (or, I would assume, evening) class. I felt as though the slate had been wiped clean. Great teachers always help, too. There really are some wonderful teachers at the studio I go to now, and since there are so many classes to choose from, there are a lot of different people to experience. I feel really lucky for this. I am a big fan of special people :)
I thought I might have a dreadful class at 4:15 pm today post-beach with getting all that sun, also - I felt I hadn't hydrated well enough. Instead of my mainstay, ie WATER, I chose to drink coffee, Kombucha drink, and a big can of coconut water on the beach. Again, what was I thinking? I didn't even bring my water bottle to the beach. So I grabbed a one litre of regular water on the drive home and tried to chug as much of it as I could before class. Actually, I almost finished it, but prior to that I hadn't even drunk any water at all today, except for a bit first thing in the morning.
Anyway, the sun must have given me power all the same, because I had a tremendous class. I sweat buckets. I was definitely mildly uncomfortable and feeling warmer than usual because of my sun-kissed skin, but overall, really strong one. It also occurred to me that it feels like a great break if you go to an early morning class one day and then on the next day you go to an afternoon (or, I would assume, evening) class. I felt as though the slate had been wiped clean. Great teachers always help, too. There really are some wonderful teachers at the studio I go to now, and since there are so many classes to choose from, there are a lot of different people to experience. I feel really lucky for this. I am a big fan of special people :)
Saturday, May 04, 2013
It's Hard! It's HARD!
Today was Day 13 of my 50 day challenge, meaning I'm about 1/4 of the way through. I'm over halfway to halfway, you could say. I can't really think about the halfway point or the finish point or anything other than getting to class day by day, because otherwise it just seems impossible. There have been a few days where I was very tempted not to go to class, and just make up for it down the road with a double. Knowing myself, (and I know this sounds defeatist but I'm just being honest), I probably will do this soon. What's held me back so far is the fear that it will weaken my will, and I only have just enough will to take this challenge day by day as it is, so I really can't afford to drop the ball here, so to speak. Every day that I wake up and face the mini-challenge (actually a major challenge) of going to class, one of the main things that gives me the motivation I need to get my butt there is the memory that yesterday, I did it, and I feel good about having done that.
So, what's so hard about it anyway? Don't I like going to yoga? Yes, sure. And it's not really that hard, is it? Not if you take it easy, which I have been doing a few classes, that's for sure.
Sometimes I have a few strong classes and always allow myself to become fooled into thinking the series has become easy for me now; it's like my little secret. I am feeling good, feeling strong, and then I look around and see that others are sluggishly getting into posture a few beats after the starting gun, or have dropped to their knees, or are even sprawled out on their mat, unable to move. I think, "Oh that's over for me now, I remember when I that used to happen to me. But I've got this series nailed now. Look at the teacher, she can see I'm a regular, she can see I've been doing this yoga for ages. She can tell how far I've come, how hard I've worked, that I'm an intermediate practitioner. I'm a role model! Beginners and strugglers can look to me for guidance, that is plain to everyone in this class. That's it, it's final: I'm going to teacher training."
I can't tell you how many times this foolish though process has played over in my mind when I should have been quieting my mind, and working to improve my practice.
But then, next class: bam, it's all over. As I've mentioned before, some people say "getting there is half the battle", but I don't believe this applies to Bikram Yoga. No matter how tough the challenge of motivating oneself to just get to the studio might be, the class itself is frequently much more challenging - unbelievably, surprisingly challenging, even when it's just the SAME OLD series of postures, hundreds of times over. So you've been going strong, but then one day you walk in too hungry, dehydrated, tired, in a bad mood, or perfectly fine even sometimes, (sometimes there is no logical, predictable reason) and suddenly you're in the eye of the storm having a shitty, hard class, and it sucks more than it's ever sucked before. It's like the difficulty level hits you again for the first time.
On the other hand, many classes are neither difficult nor strong, they're just regular. Monotonous. Especially during a challenge. Even though the ever-unchanging sequence of postures is something I find highly appealing and would never, ever want to see it changed in any way, it does get to me. "Here we go again", I think during pranayama breathing, (the first breathing exercise, which only lasts for a couple minutes but can feel like an eternity). The start of class is sometimes so difficult for me, mentally, especially when I am tired. In general, the most monotonous sections of class are the first three postures (for me, these have always been the hardest) and the floor series after spine-strengthening series on the stomach. It is during these two sections of the class that I am prone to feeling intense boredom and a strong desire to flee.
Anyway, there are other things I am doing to keep this doable for myself. I'm off the wine and on the coconut water. I've been taking some electrolytes. Hydrating as much as humanly possible. I'm keeping my calorie intake relatively low, and it feels right to me. I'm sleeping as much as I possibly can given my schedule. I am meditating for 15 minutes a day, usually right before bed. I have been doing various psoas muscle stretches outside of class, which seems to really be helping my lower back. My social life is still existent, but I am setting some boundaries, which is really hard. This is not a time for whooping it up. And I'm still working on saying NO. No to what I don't want to do, and yes to what I do, without allowing the people in my life to guilt me. Living my life exactly the way I want to live it, or at least getting one step closer every day...
Within reason :)
So, what's so hard about it anyway? Don't I like going to yoga? Yes, sure. And it's not really that hard, is it? Not if you take it easy, which I have been doing a few classes, that's for sure.
Sometimes I have a few strong classes and always allow myself to become fooled into thinking the series has become easy for me now; it's like my little secret. I am feeling good, feeling strong, and then I look around and see that others are sluggishly getting into posture a few beats after the starting gun, or have dropped to their knees, or are even sprawled out on their mat, unable to move. I think, "Oh that's over for me now, I remember when I that used to happen to me. But I've got this series nailed now. Look at the teacher, she can see I'm a regular, she can see I've been doing this yoga for ages. She can tell how far I've come, how hard I've worked, that I'm an intermediate practitioner. I'm a role model! Beginners and strugglers can look to me for guidance, that is plain to everyone in this class. That's it, it's final: I'm going to teacher training."
I can't tell you how many times this foolish though process has played over in my mind when I should have been quieting my mind, and working to improve my practice.
But then, next class: bam, it's all over. As I've mentioned before, some people say "getting there is half the battle", but I don't believe this applies to Bikram Yoga. No matter how tough the challenge of motivating oneself to just get to the studio might be, the class itself is frequently much more challenging - unbelievably, surprisingly challenging, even when it's just the SAME OLD series of postures, hundreds of times over. So you've been going strong, but then one day you walk in too hungry, dehydrated, tired, in a bad mood, or perfectly fine even sometimes, (sometimes there is no logical, predictable reason) and suddenly you're in the eye of the storm having a shitty, hard class, and it sucks more than it's ever sucked before. It's like the difficulty level hits you again for the first time.
On the other hand, many classes are neither difficult nor strong, they're just regular. Monotonous. Especially during a challenge. Even though the ever-unchanging sequence of postures is something I find highly appealing and would never, ever want to see it changed in any way, it does get to me. "Here we go again", I think during pranayama breathing, (the first breathing exercise, which only lasts for a couple minutes but can feel like an eternity). The start of class is sometimes so difficult for me, mentally, especially when I am tired. In general, the most monotonous sections of class are the first three postures (for me, these have always been the hardest) and the floor series after spine-strengthening series on the stomach. It is during these two sections of the class that I am prone to feeling intense boredom and a strong desire to flee.
Anyway, there are other things I am doing to keep this doable for myself. I'm off the wine and on the coconut water. I've been taking some electrolytes. Hydrating as much as humanly possible. I'm keeping my calorie intake relatively low, and it feels right to me. I'm sleeping as much as I possibly can given my schedule. I am meditating for 15 minutes a day, usually right before bed. I have been doing various psoas muscle stretches outside of class, which seems to really be helping my lower back. My social life is still existent, but I am setting some boundaries, which is really hard. This is not a time for whooping it up. And I'm still working on saying NO. No to what I don't want to do, and yes to what I do, without allowing the people in my life to guilt me. Living my life exactly the way I want to live it, or at least getting one step closer every day...
Within reason :)
Monday, April 29, 2013
1/7th of the way through the challenge.
One week down, six more to go. Today was Day 8! Cool kind of class today but the humidity was up and I had lots of space. There is a new karma yoga program at my studio which involves four hours of work per week at the studio in exchange for free classes. I would say this is a pretty good deal, especially for students, and it makes sense for studio owners. I'd been wondering when they might start up with this program. However, I wouldn't go for it. I have done work exchanges before and I always end up feeling like I'm getting the crap end of the stick. I understand the concept of karma yoga, but at this point in my life, workin' for free just ain't my thing. I would rather get a different part time job and use the money I earned to pay for my yoga package. I enjoy giving in other ways. OK, I just hate chores!
The karma yoga program changes the energy of the studio. There's a kind of disorganized buzz going on and I'm not sure if I like it. The thought occurred to me that I hope none of the work traders try to pull a fast one, which surprised me. I will ponder this a bit more and try to have an open mind.
Anyway, I feel great, my back is feeling pretty good, and I am proud to have made it to class through a busy weekend that included a crazy, late night out on the town.
I don't have too much to say, today, but a funny quote I heard from a teacher a few classes ago:
"Sit on your knees, Japanese style. If you're Japanese, just sit."
I *love* this kind of humour. YukYuk :)
The karma yoga program changes the energy of the studio. There's a kind of disorganized buzz going on and I'm not sure if I like it. The thought occurred to me that I hope none of the work traders try to pull a fast one, which surprised me. I will ponder this a bit more and try to have an open mind.
Anyway, I feel great, my back is feeling pretty good, and I am proud to have made it to class through a busy weekend that included a crazy, late night out on the town.
I don't have too much to say, today, but a funny quote I heard from a teacher a few classes ago:
"Sit on your knees, Japanese style. If you're Japanese, just sit."
I *love* this kind of humour. YukYuk :)
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Bikram Yoga and Weight loss Advice
As a person that has lost over 30 pounds (and kept off at least a good 25 pounds for 1.5 years that I had carried around for about a decade), and is currently slimmer at age 34 than I was at 16, I can tell you a thing or two about weight loss.
If you struggle with your weight, I sincerely hope that you will be able to take something from this. You will. Keep reading.
The first thing I have realized is that after a period of true dieting, then through changing my diet and exercise regime, I created a new "set point" for my body. So although weight fluctuates throughout the month and year, and goes down when you're being "good", if you sort of let things slide a little or live life like a relatively normal person, your weight will stabilize somewhere. The weight you say your body seems to like to be. My set point for many years was 160 pounds. I hit that weight at age 23, and although I would lose and then gain back 5, 10, or 15 pounds periodically, (mostly through calorie restriction - I have always exercised) I would just seem to go back to that weight. Then, as I said, I went on a serious diet, during which I did not eat processed foods for around five or six months. I was largely a raw food vegan during that period, but I did change it up a bit. I didn't exercise a great deal more than I had been exercising before, but the exercise was really regular. Anyway, I've gone up and down a bit in past year, but the main thing is that I have a new set point now, and it is 24 pounds less than it was: 136 pounds. (I am 3 pounds below that right now.) 136 is the weight I was at when I stopped my no-processed foods diet, and I have returned to it several times. Unfortunately, it is still too high for my preference. (My lowest weight is 127.)
I had thought I would be really happy at about 130, and I am certainly comfortable, but I believe in my heart of hearts that I am carrying around about 7-10 extra pounds. I just feel that intuitively. My BMI is currently 21.5, which is well below the maximum for health (25, in case you didn't know), and people tell me how slim I am all the time, but I have decided that with my frame being as small as it is, and the fact that I can still grab fat off my abdomen and hips, I would feel more comfortable at a BMI of about 20.
When I got back to Bikram about six months ago, my body immediately shed pounds, which I have since gained back (more on that in a minute). At that time, I hadn't been eating any grain for several months, (as an experiment, as the last time I cut out grain I was eating vegan and I found I had to rely heavily on fruit. Now I am not vegetarian, so I decided to give some version of 'paleo' a shot.) The problem with eating that way for me was that I had hardly any energy. I am usually really big on fruit and I wasn't eating a lot of it for possibly the first time ever; consequently, it was a period of low activity for me. Sometimes the most minimal of activity really wore me out. It was kind of ridiculous. Anyway, when I went back to Bikram (and actually what inspired me to get back was that my ultra low-carb diet had me feeling shitty), I began carbing out like mad. Pizza, pasta, rice. Everything. Yet I continued to lose weight. I think the shock of Bikram yoga after a few months of relative inactivity was enough to set it off. I was so happy! I thought I could just eat whatever I wanted from then on.
Boy was that a dumb thing to think!
Christmas season rolled around right after that, and I began to gain. I gained and lost five pounds a few times and struggled to keep my weight down, even as I practiced Bikram yoga about four times a week or more. I was finding it really hard to stop myself from overeating, and had become addicted to grains.
Finally, after distancing myself from my scale for a while and just trying to eat normally, I had to admit to myself that my clothes were just not fitting right. I stepped on the scale exactly two weeks ago: to my horror, I was up 9 pounds from my lowest weight! YIKES! Yes, you read that right: after losing five pounds initially, I managed to gain them back plus 4 more pounds: those are pounds that I had managed to keep off for the better part of a year before even starting Bikram yoga again! Not only that, but Bikram yoga is NOT my only form of exercise. I also walk, jog, swim, work out with free weights, do HIIT routines, pilates, and various other routines. Quite regularly!
So if you are one of the mistaken people that thinks Bikram yoga or any other exercise alone (without diet modification) is always going to be enough to lose weight, you are wrong! I have done a lot of internet research on this topic and I have come to the following conclusions:
1. Men are more likely to be able to rely on exercise for weight-loss than women, especially young men. Weight loss success stories from doing Bikram yoga often come from men. I don't know why this is. But peer reviewed studies have confirmed this, and I believe it. When I started doing this yoga 7 years ago, my body changed for the better and of course I became more muscular, but I did not lose fat. That is because my eating went out of control. I made up for all the calories burned during class by overeating. This is a very real phenomenon. That brings me to my next point:
2. Please remember how much easier it is to eat 300 calories than to burn it. A McDonald's cheeseburger, so small you can devour it in about 10 seconds, is 300 calories. Most hamburgers are double or triple the calories of that. It is so easy and quick to eat 300 calories. Meanwhile, many forms of moderate exercise, like the elliptical or biking, only burn about 300 calories in 30 minutes! Not properly understanding what I am saying here (and I sure didn't use to!) is the # 1 reason people are confused about how to incorporate exercise into their weight-loss regime. Exercise can and does help. Absolutely. But unless you're really overweight or a young male, what you eat and how much you eat is far, far more important.
3. When used correctly, exercise will aid in weightloss, but you have to change it up. I know that a calorie in is a calorie in and the same goes for calories out. Weight loss is a numbers game. However, things get tricky when your body gets used to an exercise. It becomes more efficient and starts burning less calories. OR makes better use of the calories it has already taken in. I am not sure of the exact process, but take me, for instance: after six months of steady practice, it's as though my body no longer considers Bikram yoga to be a calorie burning activity anymore. I don't eat any more than I would if I were just biking slowly about 40 minutes a day and maybe doing a 20 minute pilates routine on top of that some days, yet I have weighed LESS when that was my lifestyle than I do now. I had to cut out all processed food and lower my daily caloric intake to the point that I felt hunger to lose 3 pounds in the past two weeks, but I know that if I stopped doing Bikram altogether, and replaced it with say a 45 minute jog per day (which burns less calories, being half the time) interspersed with interval training, I would rev up my weight loss. So frustrating! But true.
4. You mess your body up when you stay overweight for a significant amount of time, and this affects what kinds of food are going to keep you slim and what kinds are going to make you gain. My cousin is a dancer and she has been super-slim all her life. She has had two kids and although her body has probably changed in ways only she and her husband know about, you can't tell at all. She appears to have the body of a teenager. Anyway, she wouldn't dream of doing "low carb" or cutting out a particular food or food group. She eats whatever she wants. The key is, she has never wanted to eat a whole pizza. She has always kept her portions small and reasonable. That's why she can eat grain no problem. For a person that has struggled with weight issues, they have probably overdone it with the processed carbs about a million or trillion times, and now they have some kind of bad romance with them. So, going low-carb or cutting out a food or food group entirely could potentially have amazing results. It could be the key to success. Your history with food makes a big difference to what will work for you, so don't necessarily listen to what a naturally slim person advises you. In a sense, they are clueless. If you've been overweight, chances are you have an addictive relationship with food. Slim people often don't. So they don't know how effective cutting out a food group entirely can be, and they will categorize it out of hand as fad dieting.
I will state this for once and for all: If it weren't for so-called "fad dieting", NEVER would I have had success with weight loss at this level. Calorie reduction was not sustainable for me.
Well, there's my two cents in a nutshell.
Anyway, in my opinion, every single person on this planet owes it to his or her self to be the weight they actually, truly want to be, and to not go for gold is to cheat yourself - to waste your life. I feel like I wasted my entire twenties at a weight I didn't care for at all (BMI 23.4 - 25.8, depending), and although I believe in cosmic order of things, and that I went through that for a reason, I do feel that it is a terrible shame that I didn't do something about it sooner. I will never, ever go back to a weight I am not comfortable with.
Conversely, I am not overly polite or complimentary or a teller of white lies when it comes to people talking about wanting to lose weight. You will rarely hear me utter the words, "you don't need to lose weight". No way. Instead of that nonsensical, unhelpful, culturally enforced politeness, I tell them straight up what I believe their best plan of action would be, based on what I know about them.
To be at a weight you're unhappy with is to suffer great emotional pain. A friend's reassurance that you look OK when you know you don't is cold, cold comfort. It's a bullshit way to deal with one another and I don't believe in it.
Now I am slimmer than I was as a teenager, and I am in my mid 30s. Many (most) of the girls that were always much skinnier than I was, are now the same size as me or bigger. Who am I kidding: it's freaking great! Did you really think it wouldn't be? Despite what I said at the beginning, about still wanting to lose another 10 pounds or so, I am already very happy with the body I have now. It is truly an amazing experience to lose the weight and I would do anything I could to help a person out in that department. It's a major part of the reason I want to become a yoga teacher. Why bother pretending our body size is not as important of an issue for all of us as it actually is?! it's not superficial; it's the reason out species exists.
I would give up my university degree before I took on those extra pounds again, and I do not say that lightly.
If you struggle with your weight, I sincerely hope that you will be able to take something from this. You will. Keep reading.
The first thing I have realized is that after a period of true dieting, then through changing my diet and exercise regime, I created a new "set point" for my body. So although weight fluctuates throughout the month and year, and goes down when you're being "good", if you sort of let things slide a little or live life like a relatively normal person, your weight will stabilize somewhere. The weight you say your body seems to like to be. My set point for many years was 160 pounds. I hit that weight at age 23, and although I would lose and then gain back 5, 10, or 15 pounds periodically, (mostly through calorie restriction - I have always exercised) I would just seem to go back to that weight. Then, as I said, I went on a serious diet, during which I did not eat processed foods for around five or six months. I was largely a raw food vegan during that period, but I did change it up a bit. I didn't exercise a great deal more than I had been exercising before, but the exercise was really regular. Anyway, I've gone up and down a bit in past year, but the main thing is that I have a new set point now, and it is 24 pounds less than it was: 136 pounds. (I am 3 pounds below that right now.) 136 is the weight I was at when I stopped my no-processed foods diet, and I have returned to it several times. Unfortunately, it is still too high for my preference. (My lowest weight is 127.)
I had thought I would be really happy at about 130, and I am certainly comfortable, but I believe in my heart of hearts that I am carrying around about 7-10 extra pounds. I just feel that intuitively. My BMI is currently 21.5, which is well below the maximum for health (25, in case you didn't know), and people tell me how slim I am all the time, but I have decided that with my frame being as small as it is, and the fact that I can still grab fat off my abdomen and hips, I would feel more comfortable at a BMI of about 20.
When I got back to Bikram about six months ago, my body immediately shed pounds, which I have since gained back (more on that in a minute). At that time, I hadn't been eating any grain for several months, (as an experiment, as the last time I cut out grain I was eating vegan and I found I had to rely heavily on fruit. Now I am not vegetarian, so I decided to give some version of 'paleo' a shot.) The problem with eating that way for me was that I had hardly any energy. I am usually really big on fruit and I wasn't eating a lot of it for possibly the first time ever; consequently, it was a period of low activity for me. Sometimes the most minimal of activity really wore me out. It was kind of ridiculous. Anyway, when I went back to Bikram (and actually what inspired me to get back was that my ultra low-carb diet had me feeling shitty), I began carbing out like mad. Pizza, pasta, rice. Everything. Yet I continued to lose weight. I think the shock of Bikram yoga after a few months of relative inactivity was enough to set it off. I was so happy! I thought I could just eat whatever I wanted from then on.
Boy was that a dumb thing to think!
Christmas season rolled around right after that, and I began to gain. I gained and lost five pounds a few times and struggled to keep my weight down, even as I practiced Bikram yoga about four times a week or more. I was finding it really hard to stop myself from overeating, and had become addicted to grains.
Finally, after distancing myself from my scale for a while and just trying to eat normally, I had to admit to myself that my clothes were just not fitting right. I stepped on the scale exactly two weeks ago: to my horror, I was up 9 pounds from my lowest weight! YIKES! Yes, you read that right: after losing five pounds initially, I managed to gain them back plus 4 more pounds: those are pounds that I had managed to keep off for the better part of a year before even starting Bikram yoga again! Not only that, but Bikram yoga is NOT my only form of exercise. I also walk, jog, swim, work out with free weights, do HIIT routines, pilates, and various other routines. Quite regularly!
So if you are one of the mistaken people that thinks Bikram yoga or any other exercise alone (without diet modification) is always going to be enough to lose weight, you are wrong! I have done a lot of internet research on this topic and I have come to the following conclusions:
1. Men are more likely to be able to rely on exercise for weight-loss than women, especially young men. Weight loss success stories from doing Bikram yoga often come from men. I don't know why this is. But peer reviewed studies have confirmed this, and I believe it. When I started doing this yoga 7 years ago, my body changed for the better and of course I became more muscular, but I did not lose fat. That is because my eating went out of control. I made up for all the calories burned during class by overeating. This is a very real phenomenon. That brings me to my next point:
2. Please remember how much easier it is to eat 300 calories than to burn it. A McDonald's cheeseburger, so small you can devour it in about 10 seconds, is 300 calories. Most hamburgers are double or triple the calories of that. It is so easy and quick to eat 300 calories. Meanwhile, many forms of moderate exercise, like the elliptical or biking, only burn about 300 calories in 30 minutes! Not properly understanding what I am saying here (and I sure didn't use to!) is the # 1 reason people are confused about how to incorporate exercise into their weight-loss regime. Exercise can and does help. Absolutely. But unless you're really overweight or a young male, what you eat and how much you eat is far, far more important.
3. When used correctly, exercise will aid in weightloss, but you have to change it up. I know that a calorie in is a calorie in and the same goes for calories out. Weight loss is a numbers game. However, things get tricky when your body gets used to an exercise. It becomes more efficient and starts burning less calories. OR makes better use of the calories it has already taken in. I am not sure of the exact process, but take me, for instance: after six months of steady practice, it's as though my body no longer considers Bikram yoga to be a calorie burning activity anymore. I don't eat any more than I would if I were just biking slowly about 40 minutes a day and maybe doing a 20 minute pilates routine on top of that some days, yet I have weighed LESS when that was my lifestyle than I do now. I had to cut out all processed food and lower my daily caloric intake to the point that I felt hunger to lose 3 pounds in the past two weeks, but I know that if I stopped doing Bikram altogether, and replaced it with say a 45 minute jog per day (which burns less calories, being half the time) interspersed with interval training, I would rev up my weight loss. So frustrating! But true.
4. You mess your body up when you stay overweight for a significant amount of time, and this affects what kinds of food are going to keep you slim and what kinds are going to make you gain. My cousin is a dancer and she has been super-slim all her life. She has had two kids and although her body has probably changed in ways only she and her husband know about, you can't tell at all. She appears to have the body of a teenager. Anyway, she wouldn't dream of doing "low carb" or cutting out a particular food or food group. She eats whatever she wants. The key is, she has never wanted to eat a whole pizza. She has always kept her portions small and reasonable. That's why she can eat grain no problem. For a person that has struggled with weight issues, they have probably overdone it with the processed carbs about a million or trillion times, and now they have some kind of bad romance with them. So, going low-carb or cutting out a food or food group entirely could potentially have amazing results. It could be the key to success. Your history with food makes a big difference to what will work for you, so don't necessarily listen to what a naturally slim person advises you. In a sense, they are clueless. If you've been overweight, chances are you have an addictive relationship with food. Slim people often don't. So they don't know how effective cutting out a food group entirely can be, and they will categorize it out of hand as fad dieting.
I will state this for once and for all: If it weren't for so-called "fad dieting", NEVER would I have had success with weight loss at this level. Calorie reduction was not sustainable for me.
Well, there's my two cents in a nutshell.
Anyway, in my opinion, every single person on this planet owes it to his or her self to be the weight they actually, truly want to be, and to not go for gold is to cheat yourself - to waste your life. I feel like I wasted my entire twenties at a weight I didn't care for at all (BMI 23.4 - 25.8, depending), and although I believe in cosmic order of things, and that I went through that for a reason, I do feel that it is a terrible shame that I didn't do something about it sooner. I will never, ever go back to a weight I am not comfortable with.
Conversely, I am not overly polite or complimentary or a teller of white lies when it comes to people talking about wanting to lose weight. You will rarely hear me utter the words, "you don't need to lose weight". No way. Instead of that nonsensical, unhelpful, culturally enforced politeness, I tell them straight up what I believe their best plan of action would be, based on what I know about them.
To be at a weight you're unhappy with is to suffer great emotional pain. A friend's reassurance that you look OK when you know you don't is cold, cold comfort. It's a bullshit way to deal with one another and I don't believe in it.
Now I am slimmer than I was as a teenager, and I am in my mid 30s. Many (most) of the girls that were always much skinnier than I was, are now the same size as me or bigger. Who am I kidding: it's freaking great! Did you really think it wouldn't be? Despite what I said at the beginning, about still wanting to lose another 10 pounds or so, I am already very happy with the body I have now. It is truly an amazing experience to lose the weight and I would do anything I could to help a person out in that department. It's a major part of the reason I want to become a yoga teacher. Why bother pretending our body size is not as important of an issue for all of us as it actually is?! it's not superficial; it's the reason out species exists.
I would give up my university degree before I took on those extra pounds again, and I do not say that lightly.
I am Niagara Falls
Holy crap, what a class! I feel like I visited another dimension during that class: wow.
Hung over as rhymes with luck and half dead with fatigue after going to bed at about 4 am this morning, (stuffed with an alcohol assortment as well as candy and pizza), I dragged my sorry ass butt to class at 4:15 pm today! I was in such rough condition that my run to the studio (yes I always run to the studio because I live a block away and I usually leave my front door about two and a half minutes before class starts, sometimes necessitating holding out my hand for cars to stop as I attempt to jaywalk across a major street) had me breathing in a way that might be termed 'wheezing'. You know you're in rough shape when you're already dizzy in the change room. I was scared. I was very scared.
Luckily we had a great teacher scheduled, a champion practitioner with a clear, deliberate delivery, good advice, and the smarts to leave the right people alone, who was able to give me the energy I needed and help take me from start to finish in one piece.
I didn't have too unpleasant of a class considering the state I was in, meaning I didn't get the spins, but it was very challenging. And unusually long. And I was suffering from a hangover headache, throbbing at every twist and turn ... although this did make me aware of the fact that I don't usually have a headache in class, so it was nice to have that thought. I had to take a few knees during the standing series, not because I was dizzy or nauseous, but just out of sheer fatigue. As I referred to in the title of this blog, I was also sweating up a storm; much more than usual. I did drink a lot of water today in an effort to keep myself alive after all the alcoholic beverages I danced intimately with last night, but I often drink a lot of water. I'm not sure. All I know is that when I dumped my gear in the laundry after carrying it home, my arm got that achey release feeling, like I'd been carrying something especially voluminous and weighty, and they hit the floor with a thunderous slap. But it was just three little items.
Anyway, once again, not a chance in the world I would have attended class had I not been on a challenge, but I believe that this will affect my decision making process in the future, when I feel that I just cannot make it to class. I always say to myself that I will never drink that much again, and I tend to feel very guilty the day after drinking excessively, like I've damaged my body irreversibly. (And in a sense, I suppose I have.) But lets face it, the future will likely hold more stagettes and parties and 7 hour marathon yack fests with a friend or cousin or sister that involve drinking more than a single standard unit of alcohol. This WILL happen again. And since I allow myself to worry that I have negatively impacted my health, why not give my body the helping hand it needs to rid itself of the toxins?! Anyone with any understanding of wellness should be able to recognize that doing a Bikram yoga class is probably one of the best things you can do to right yourself after a night of wrong. I know that other styles of yoga are great. And the variety of postures featured in other styles each have added benefits and stretch the body in different ways. But I'll say it for the infinitieth time: there is no exercise on this earth like static postures done in that heat. Amazing recovery system. But the motivation to get there is killer, and the class itself is still no piece of cake. I must have burned about 1000 calories today. Did I mention how long the class felt? Time slowed right down so that my pre-class memories from today feel like they happened last year.
Oh, Life! You can be such an obstacle course!
Anyway, as a rule I absolutely don't believe in rewarding oneself with special food or treats after challenging exercise (I have a lot to say about this, but I'll save it for the time being!) but today was an exception. I was going to make myself a protein shake but it turned into a crazy milkshake as I wildly added more and more ingredients, and it was freaking delicious. It started with just a cup of almond milk, a scoop of protein powder, and a banana, but I was suddenly inspired to toss in a tablespoon of Frye's cocoa, and then a large scoop of ice cream (some might say the equivalent two scoops, but if you use your hand as a cupping device, one scoop can be quite sufficient), and then I really lost all control and threw in a hunk of peanut butter, and not even the all natural kind. The Skippy. This was an epic milkshake, let me tell you.
Hung over as rhymes with luck and half dead with fatigue after going to bed at about 4 am this morning, (stuffed with an alcohol assortment as well as candy and pizza), I dragged my sorry ass butt to class at 4:15 pm today! I was in such rough condition that my run to the studio (yes I always run to the studio because I live a block away and I usually leave my front door about two and a half minutes before class starts, sometimes necessitating holding out my hand for cars to stop as I attempt to jaywalk across a major street) had me breathing in a way that might be termed 'wheezing'. You know you're in rough shape when you're already dizzy in the change room. I was scared. I was very scared.
Luckily we had a great teacher scheduled, a champion practitioner with a clear, deliberate delivery, good advice, and the smarts to leave the right people alone, who was able to give me the energy I needed and help take me from start to finish in one piece.
I didn't have too unpleasant of a class considering the state I was in, meaning I didn't get the spins, but it was very challenging. And unusually long. And I was suffering from a hangover headache, throbbing at every twist and turn ... although this did make me aware of the fact that I don't usually have a headache in class, so it was nice to have that thought. I had to take a few knees during the standing series, not because I was dizzy or nauseous, but just out of sheer fatigue. As I referred to in the title of this blog, I was also sweating up a storm; much more than usual. I did drink a lot of water today in an effort to keep myself alive after all the alcoholic beverages I danced intimately with last night, but I often drink a lot of water. I'm not sure. All I know is that when I dumped my gear in the laundry after carrying it home, my arm got that achey release feeling, like I'd been carrying something especially voluminous and weighty, and they hit the floor with a thunderous slap. But it was just three little items.
Anyway, once again, not a chance in the world I would have attended class had I not been on a challenge, but I believe that this will affect my decision making process in the future, when I feel that I just cannot make it to class. I always say to myself that I will never drink that much again, and I tend to feel very guilty the day after drinking excessively, like I've damaged my body irreversibly. (And in a sense, I suppose I have.) But lets face it, the future will likely hold more stagettes and parties and 7 hour marathon yack fests with a friend or cousin or sister that involve drinking more than a single standard unit of alcohol. This WILL happen again. And since I allow myself to worry that I have negatively impacted my health, why not give my body the helping hand it needs to rid itself of the toxins?! Anyone with any understanding of wellness should be able to recognize that doing a Bikram yoga class is probably one of the best things you can do to right yourself after a night of wrong. I know that other styles of yoga are great. And the variety of postures featured in other styles each have added benefits and stretch the body in different ways. But I'll say it for the infinitieth time: there is no exercise on this earth like static postures done in that heat. Amazing recovery system. But the motivation to get there is killer, and the class itself is still no piece of cake. I must have burned about 1000 calories today. Did I mention how long the class felt? Time slowed right down so that my pre-class memories from today feel like they happened last year.
Oh, Life! You can be such an obstacle course!
Anyway, as a rule I absolutely don't believe in rewarding oneself with special food or treats after challenging exercise (I have a lot to say about this, but I'll save it for the time being!) but today was an exception. I was going to make myself a protein shake but it turned into a crazy milkshake as I wildly added more and more ingredients, and it was freaking delicious. It started with just a cup of almond milk, a scoop of protein powder, and a banana, but I was suddenly inspired to toss in a tablespoon of Frye's cocoa, and then a large scoop of ice cream (some might say the equivalent two scoops, but if you use your hand as a cupping device, one scoop can be quite sufficient), and then I really lost all control and threw in a hunk of peanut butter, and not even the all natural kind. The Skippy. This was an epic milkshake, let me tell you.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Two AM classes
Yesterday was my first 6 am class in about five years! Pranayama breathing and Half Moon pose were hard - and they are always the hardest things for me on those early AM classes. Other than a bit of reduced flexibility - totally normal first thing in the morning, without having moved at all yet - the class was enjoyable and refreshing, and I felt good about having gone all day.
I remember when I first started doing Bikram yoga, many jobs ago, my hours of work were 8 - 4, Monday to Friday, disallowing the possibility of 6 am or 4:15 pm class. The only classes available to me during the week were 6:15 pm and 8:15 pm; work and yoga left me with very little free time, the time I needed to relax. That really affected my motivation, especially considering how back in the early days, 90 minutes felt like an absolute eon, and each class was an important accomplishment. (I don't care what people say - in some sense at least, it does get easier!) How I longed to be able to go in to work a little later some days, so that I could go to 6 am class and get my yoga completed first thing in the morning! I thought about it all the time. But I didn't have that kind of freedom and flexibility with work in those days.
Now, I start at 8:45 am, making class at 6 am very doable. Mind you, I also get off early enough to go to 4:15 pm class, and sometimes even 3:15 pm, and now the studio has two rooms and runs classes on the hour up until 8:15. There are a lot of choices now, and I can go to yoga straight after work. It was that hour or so between getting home from work and having to get up and leave again for yoga that really sucked me dry of motivation. Let's face it; after a day of work, sometimes you don't feel like doing anything. It IS easier not to go home first.
Anyway, I am a bit of a night owl, and the earliest I like to wake up normally is about 6:20 am. Any earlier and I go through that whole "I would seriously rather lose my job or even die than get out of bed right now!" which, although it only lasts a few minutes, is really one of the most unpleasant things we regularly go through in life, in my opinion. If only I could get into the habit of going to bed earlier, but it's such a struggle for me. I just love doing my little projects, reading, drawing, watching stuff on youtube, that kind of thing, before bed, and then I never want to stop. (When I'm single, that is.) So, I was really anticipating this 6 am class on Friday all week, and telling the teacher who was scheduled for that class every day that I was nervous about it and not sure if I was going to be able to do it. He just laughed. Then I get there and the class is packed with regulars! Everyone was fine. I was fine. The girl in front of me was performing as open and flexible as an olympic gymnast. So, truthfully, I was really shaking my head at myself and the lesson I took from it was to have more faith in my ability to do challenging things, and to not make such a big deal out of things.
So the whole reason I had to do 6 am class was because I was busy after work planning my cousin's bachelorette party, which is tonight. Last night as we set up the party house, I had a few drinks and stayed out rather late. I am also quite busy today, obviously, so I had to wake up bright and early again, but this time for 9 am class. This morning I really learned the value of being on a challenge, because if I wasn't, with the way I was feeling this morning and the craziness of this weekend, there is just no way I would have gone to class. But because I am on this challenge and have made the commitment, I did, and I had a superbly enjoyable class. I feel so much better. Throughout the past few months, morning classes have been difficult for me because of stiffness in my back, and although that is still present, having gone every day this week and to such an early class yesterday, it made this morning's class easy peasy. There is just nothing else in the world that could have taken me from where I was at 8 am this morning to what I am feeling now: light, energetic, with clear skin, in a good mood, and without a hint of bloat, even though I ate Japanese food for dinner last night and snacked on chips, which was a salt overload. (Another style of yoga, a HIIT routine, a jog - all of those things would have made me feel better and pushed that salt out of my system. But not like 90 minutes in the heat.)
It really goes to show that the times when you feel least like going to class are exactly the times you need it the most. And for anyone that struggles with motivation, challenges are invaluable for showing you just that.
My goals for tonight (which is going to be crazy with a capital C) are to drink water, NOT do ANY shots of alcohol, mix alcohol as minimally as possible, and just relax and have fun. I have been being so careful with what I eat in an attempt to shed a few pounds before the wedding, and also because as I have mentioned, BY makes me really hungry and leaves me vulnerable to binging. All of this being said, tonight is not the night to worry about food. It's going to be yes to the bread, the tortilla chips, and the hummus and pita. Not the end of the world. I can really put myself through hell the next day if I feel I "overdid" it, but I think over the longrun, success with weight control comes with knowing these nights are inevitable, and for me, drinking alcohol while restricting food can spell disaster. I'm too old for that now. Really. Lol. Cheers!
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Day 3. Only.
Man, this challenge seemed undesirable today. I wistfully longed to skip class, and it's only Day 3. Instead I wanted to go to the mall with my sister and buy a sexy black dress for my cousin's stagette this weekend, an event which is going to make yoga a pain in the butt to go to on Friday, Saturday, AND Sunday. ARGH!
I had many second thoughts about this, like that I don't have time to go to yoga every single day. I was supposed to be looking into picking up a second job, going on more dates, and devoting more time to my personal projects. Now I have automatically lost 2 extra hours each and every day to yoga, for the next 7 weeks. Actually, more, because I need more sleep now. When you think about it, that's kind of a big deal.
They say ("they" meaning teachers and studio directors, and Bikram himself, I guess) that there's nothing more important than your health, and that is why it's always worth it to go to class. I have always tended to agree. But what I'd really like to establish for myself is whether I truly believe that every day for 50 days is actually the best thing I can be doing for my health. Is it really any better than 5 days a week? And what practices outside the room can make this a better experience, in terms of rest, food, drink, and things to avoid. I'm also concerned, despite claims that this yoga is "holistic" and as long as you do the postures using the correct form you cannot injure yourself (or injure yourself further), actually VERY concerned, about the state of my back. A chiropractor recently told me that BY can exacerbate injuries, and I've got to say that my back immediately starts to feel better as soon as I lay off the practice. I've talked to about 10 different teachers about this, and everyone has a different answer. It's really hard to know who to trust.
Mind you, there are so many people that practiced against the advice of all of their doctors, in all states of injury, that emerged healed. I will say that my back is definitely better than it was a month or two ago, and I have by no means stopped practicing. But the improvement occurred with easing up a lot in the hot room, particularly with forward bends, Like I mentioned in a previous post, I've also been doing other things that have nothing to do with BY, that have been therapeutic as well.
Anyway, I'm determined to heal my back and come into much greater alignment. I've been out of whack for years, with wonky hips and a right duck foot, slouchy shoulders and a back full of tension. I suspect that this could be a "get worse before you get better" situation.
I had many second thoughts about this, like that I don't have time to go to yoga every single day. I was supposed to be looking into picking up a second job, going on more dates, and devoting more time to my personal projects. Now I have automatically lost 2 extra hours each and every day to yoga, for the next 7 weeks. Actually, more, because I need more sleep now. When you think about it, that's kind of a big deal.
They say ("they" meaning teachers and studio directors, and Bikram himself, I guess) that there's nothing more important than your health, and that is why it's always worth it to go to class. I have always tended to agree. But what I'd really like to establish for myself is whether I truly believe that every day for 50 days is actually the best thing I can be doing for my health. Is it really any better than 5 days a week? And what practices outside the room can make this a better experience, in terms of rest, food, drink, and things to avoid. I'm also concerned, despite claims that this yoga is "holistic" and as long as you do the postures using the correct form you cannot injure yourself (or injure yourself further), actually VERY concerned, about the state of my back. A chiropractor recently told me that BY can exacerbate injuries, and I've got to say that my back immediately starts to feel better as soon as I lay off the practice. I've talked to about 10 different teachers about this, and everyone has a different answer. It's really hard to know who to trust.
Mind you, there are so many people that practiced against the advice of all of their doctors, in all states of injury, that emerged healed. I will say that my back is definitely better than it was a month or two ago, and I have by no means stopped practicing. But the improvement occurred with easing up a lot in the hot room, particularly with forward bends, Like I mentioned in a previous post, I've also been doing other things that have nothing to do with BY, that have been therapeutic as well.
Anyway, I'm determined to heal my back and come into much greater alignment. I've been out of whack for years, with wonky hips and a right duck foot, slouchy shoulders and a back full of tension. I suspect that this could be a "get worse before you get better" situation.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Fatigue
I have been struggling with back pain for some time now. After several weeks of avoiding deep front bends while going balls to the wall with the backbends, as well as a few massages, the aid of a small green exercise ball, yogic and pilatic (no that is not a real word) stretching outside the hot room, and various other techniques one employs in dealing with back issues, I began to see and feel some relief. Accordingly, I dove right back into the full expression of my practice last week. This seemed to be serving me all right, but then I went on a 3 hour road trip over the weekend, which had me about a 5 on the pain level. Not crippling, but disturbing nonetheless, and certainly unwanted. It also added to the fatigue that comes with a busy weekend out of town.
At work yesterday, I was ready for my first class back after a 3 day break, (as well as the first day of my 50 day challenge), despite the twinges I was feeling in my lower back. As the day wore on, however, some serious tiredness began to set in; I even considered skipping the scheduled class directly after work and going home to bed first. I drank a latte rather late in the afternoon and felt that sitting quite heavily in my stomach. I ran through my usual litany of reasons why class should be avoided or postponed. I ignored the voice and went to class as planned, suspecting (though not allowing myself to care) that I would have a difficult class complete with nausea and pain.
Instead, I had an amazingly strong class. Not a hint of ill feeling or weakness, my fatigue evaporated immediately and my spirits were high. I was even complimented by the instructor after class on the strength of my practice (which hasn't happened recently; teachers have seemed rather stingy with the praise and more keen on correction and general encouragement, but maybe that's me. In any case, I appreciate recognition when I can get it, as well as correction, or really any feedback at all).
So, I really pushed myself and I loved every second of it. Then I went for a massage, which felt great.
Fast forward to bedtime.
AGONY!!!
All I could think as I lay in bed, my back pulsating with rhythmic spasms of hurt, was how careless I'd been and how I should have known better than to push myself like that after the car ride and ensuing soreness. Finally I could take it no longer: I got out of bed and applied some all-natural muscle pain cream on my lower back (which felt like it was burning up) and did some gentle hip-opening stretches, a five minute upward dog, a wheel, and some breathing exercises. It helped enormously, and I was finally able to get to sleep at about a quarter to one (which is way too late for me if I want to feel energized and refreshed for work). I felt relieved though that at least the exercises had helped, as I wasn't at all sure that they would.
When I woke up this morning my back felt better, but still quite wonky. Again, as the hours passed at work, all I could think of was collapsing in bed, and slightly overwhelmed at the self-imposed necessity of going to class every day now amidst these back issues, whether I feel like it or not. Once more on my walk from work to the studio, as fatigue seemed to rack my body (and again I drank my latte too late!) I considered going home for a nap rather than attending the early afternoon class, and just going to one of the later classes. But I reminded myself that one of my principal aims in doing this challenge is the strengthening of the will, and it was surprisingly easy to quiet the voices of dissidence in my mind.
I did not push myself at all today. I went back to super easy forward bends, and stepped it up even further with the backward bends. The room was cool today and I appreciated it immensely. I was aware of nothing, no one, only my reflection in the mirror, pushing through the series gently, using all the strength I had: no more, and no less. I sat out one set of Triangle today. That was OK. I did not put my hands in prayer during Standing Separate Leg Head-to-Knee; I spread them wide for balance and support, and kept my front knee bent, my throat choked, my forehead pressed firmly to the knee. I let myself fall out of Toe-Stand because I didn't have the power to push myself back up. Floor series was very strong; it is the best for my back. I lay in final Savasana for 10 minutes, verging on sleep. On the walk home from the studio, I could feel that my back was in much better condition than yesterday. I will continue to take it easy in this way until my back feels better. Day by day.
Monday, April 22, 2013
50 Day Challenge to take Bikram's class!
Well, I swore I would never do another challenge, because the last time I signed myself up for the 60 day one I fell hard so off the wagon at Day 47 or so that I didn't return to a regular practice for 4 years! However, that was back then, and this is now. I am wiser, stronger, fitter, healthier and plunge forward armed with a will of steel.
Mistakes I made from my last challenge that I will not make this time:
Overeating
Eating the wrong kind of food
Not sleeping enough
Overdoing it every class
Drinking too much alcohol
Not drinking enough water
Not getting enough massages
Ta-da! That is the exhaustive list.
There are several reasons I'm keen on doing this challenge. I'll get back to them in a minute.
I do believe that I have the physical stamina to make it through this challenge. My only concerns are being in the bridal party for an in-town wedding next month that has lots of other events attached to it, (stagette, shower, rehearsal dinner, family get-togethers, etc.), and a weekend out of town near the end of May. I am also quite busy with work and other projects, my social life, an unusually high requirement for downtime that is necessary to my sanity, toying with the idea of getting a second job, other athletics, not to mention the fact that I am trying to invite romance into my life. Um, wait a second. Yikes!
However, I don't think the rules about doubles are that stringent at my studio, and if I squeeze in a few 6 am'ers, which I hate, but are very good for strengthening the will, I should be able to pull it off. I want to pull it off. I can do it!
In addition to everything I just mentioned, I was contemplating how much my friends and family have protested during previous challenges I've committed myself to over the years, leaving as they do my already tight schedule even less open to requests like accompaniment to the mall, acquaintances' birthday celebrations, and attendance at pointless hangout sessions. The truth is, this is an opportunity to just say no, something I've struggled with. I believe we're conditioned to believe that saying 'no' and putting our own asses first makes us second rate citizens, and I have certainly been guilty of a severe reluctance to say no, and when I do, man does the guilt come pouring down like a tropical rainstorm.
But as I've aged, I've come to realize the value of being selfish. The need to say no. I think in the end we do our loved ones a disservice by not making our own prominent needs and desires top priority in our own lives. Also, putting oneself last consistently over the years (which is exactly what we do when we let our jobs and the people in our lives take precedence over taking proper care of ourselves, or just putting off the things we really want to do for so long we forgot we ever had important things we ever wanted to do) causes cancer. That's a fact!
So when people tell me they're running a race or wearing a yellow flower or rubber band around their wrist for cancer (all of which contributes to the problem, in my opinion, as it perpetuates the false notion that what we're really after here is a 'cure') I am going to tell them that I am doing my part by saying 'no' to things I really don't want to do and 'yes' to what I actually want to do. For cancer! No, not to cure it. To prevent it, of course. And I sincerely hope that everyone I know starts doing the same.
Moving along, why do I want to do this?
Well, I've been averaging about 3-4 classes a week for the past couple of months, and although that's quite good, I feel in my heart that I'd like to step it up a notch. Also, the last time I practiced regularly before this 7 month period that I have been going strong with, I was on a challenge, which, as I mentioned, I failed to complete, and this has been hanging over my head. I did complete about 4 or 5 previous 30 day challenges prior to that, but they were so hard for me. I struggled so much, and then my practice would always drop off afterwards for weeks at a time. I really want to do this one right.
I should also mention that I am considering, in a rather lighthearted way that is still in the wistful phase, that I am considering the teacher training program for Fall of this year, or next year. I have told a few people about this. I should mention right away that I truly don't know if I have what it takes to go to teacher training. It seems crazy. The sleep deprivation aspect especially makes it extremely daunting. I also don't know if I am a strong enough yogi to represent to the masses. For instance, I am not the type of practitioner that teachers and studio directors would approach to go to training - nothing like that! Then there's the time off work - nine weeks is a long time. And I don't know where the money will come from.
All of that being said, I've been on this scene for over 7 years. I know the drill. I believe in the system. I support the franchise. I already have faith that I am an excellent teacher, and intellectually, I am capable of the job. I feel I have something unique and valuable to offer. Anyway, all that really matters is that the seed of desire exists inside of me, and this has become a tentative goal, or plan. And in any case, I feel that completing this challenge (or unable to complete it due to lack of will) could at least be an indication of whether this is truly not an option for me at this time.
Mistakes I made from my last challenge that I will not make this time:
Overeating
Eating the wrong kind of food
Not sleeping enough
Overdoing it every class
Drinking too much alcohol
Not drinking enough water
Not getting enough massages
Ta-da! That is the exhaustive list.
There are several reasons I'm keen on doing this challenge. I'll get back to them in a minute.
I do believe that I have the physical stamina to make it through this challenge. My only concerns are being in the bridal party for an in-town wedding next month that has lots of other events attached to it, (stagette, shower, rehearsal dinner, family get-togethers, etc.), and a weekend out of town near the end of May. I am also quite busy with work and other projects, my social life, an unusually high requirement for downtime that is necessary to my sanity, toying with the idea of getting a second job, other athletics, not to mention the fact that I am trying to invite romance into my life. Um, wait a second. Yikes!
However, I don't think the rules about doubles are that stringent at my studio, and if I squeeze in a few 6 am'ers, which I hate, but are very good for strengthening the will, I should be able to pull it off. I want to pull it off. I can do it!
In addition to everything I just mentioned, I was contemplating how much my friends and family have protested during previous challenges I've committed myself to over the years, leaving as they do my already tight schedule even less open to requests like accompaniment to the mall, acquaintances' birthday celebrations, and attendance at pointless hangout sessions. The truth is, this is an opportunity to just say no, something I've struggled with. I believe we're conditioned to believe that saying 'no' and putting our own asses first makes us second rate citizens, and I have certainly been guilty of a severe reluctance to say no, and when I do, man does the guilt come pouring down like a tropical rainstorm.
But as I've aged, I've come to realize the value of being selfish. The need to say no. I think in the end we do our loved ones a disservice by not making our own prominent needs and desires top priority in our own lives. Also, putting oneself last consistently over the years (which is exactly what we do when we let our jobs and the people in our lives take precedence over taking proper care of ourselves, or just putting off the things we really want to do for so long we forgot we ever had important things we ever wanted to do) causes cancer. That's a fact!
So when people tell me they're running a race or wearing a yellow flower or rubber band around their wrist for cancer (all of which contributes to the problem, in my opinion, as it perpetuates the false notion that what we're really after here is a 'cure') I am going to tell them that I am doing my part by saying 'no' to things I really don't want to do and 'yes' to what I actually want to do. For cancer! No, not to cure it. To prevent it, of course. And I sincerely hope that everyone I know starts doing the same.
Moving along, why do I want to do this?
Well, I've been averaging about 3-4 classes a week for the past couple of months, and although that's quite good, I feel in my heart that I'd like to step it up a notch. Also, the last time I practiced regularly before this 7 month period that I have been going strong with, I was on a challenge, which, as I mentioned, I failed to complete, and this has been hanging over my head. I did complete about 4 or 5 previous 30 day challenges prior to that, but they were so hard for me. I struggled so much, and then my practice would always drop off afterwards for weeks at a time. I really want to do this one right.
I should also mention that I am considering, in a rather lighthearted way that is still in the wistful phase, that I am considering the teacher training program for Fall of this year, or next year. I have told a few people about this. I should mention right away that I truly don't know if I have what it takes to go to teacher training. It seems crazy. The sleep deprivation aspect especially makes it extremely daunting. I also don't know if I am a strong enough yogi to represent to the masses. For instance, I am not the type of practitioner that teachers and studio directors would approach to go to training - nothing like that! Then there's the time off work - nine weeks is a long time. And I don't know where the money will come from.
All of that being said, I've been on this scene for over 7 years. I know the drill. I believe in the system. I support the franchise. I already have faith that I am an excellent teacher, and intellectually, I am capable of the job. I feel I have something unique and valuable to offer. Anyway, all that really matters is that the seed of desire exists inside of me, and this has become a tentative goal, or plan. And in any case, I feel that completing this challenge (or unable to complete it due to lack of will) could at least be an indication of whether this is truly not an option for me at this time.
Tuesday, April 09, 2013
It's tough, but it's worth it!
There was a man in our very hot class today, in the back corner beside the metal rail like you see in the handicapped bathroom. (Boy did this man need that rail.) I would say he was about 65 years old, but possibly older, and he had a large, square body with the loose skin of the Floridian winter crowd, and big floppy man boobs.
Let me tell ya: No one in that room was working as hard as that guy. This man was climbing the summit of Mount Everest back there - I am not exaggerating. To illustrate, these are the words that my mind is conjuring up in association to what he was producing, mainly in the form of gasping, grunting and groaning, as he shook and shuddered his way through the class:
- a furious bear
- a conch shell
- the gurgling, sputtering and coughing when a big gulp of drink goes down the wrong pipe
- a woman in labor
- darth vader
- teen girl watching a horror movie
Anyway, the thing that really struck me, ultimately, is that no one in the class including myself paid this guy one bit of attention of even really noticed him until the teacher addressed the two new girls (first day) who I guess kept turning around to look at him with looks of deep concern. The teacher, in a very calm voice that was neither concerned nor uncaring, just said "Don't worry, He's fine."
It got me wondering why no one else was worried about him. Keep in mind that he was by no means calling out for help or falling down or anything. He was pushing through every posture of the standing series.
I realized that we all know how difficult the class can be at any stage (and especially remember back to our early days, at least those of us that didn't arrive in the class with the bodies of world class athletes) and also know how beneficial it is to the health, and maybe it doesn't even occur to us to be worried about someone, even if they are having a really hard time. I truly believe that the best place a sick or out of shape person can be is in that hot room practicing yoga the best they can, and although I can't speak for everyone in class that day, the two new girls and their worried faces honestly stood out more than that old guy, even as he roared like a lion on the plains of the serengheti.
I wonder if a lot of people whose hearts do not beat to the rhythm of this crazy hot yoga, so-called health experts, athletes in other arenas, etc., would be thinking that the new girls were right to be concerned, and the rest of us were jaded, distracted, or brainwashed. I don't know. It's something to think about. But in that moment that the teacher spoke, I knew for certain in some recess of my mind that the man would walk out of there perfectly fine, and so he did, and I DO believe he's the better for coming and giving the effort that he did. And to take that one step further, if someone were to advise him (based on his apparent difficulties with the postures and the heat and whatever else) to try a gentler form of yoga, I would be absolutely against that.
Let me tell ya: No one in that room was working as hard as that guy. This man was climbing the summit of Mount Everest back there - I am not exaggerating. To illustrate, these are the words that my mind is conjuring up in association to what he was producing, mainly in the form of gasping, grunting and groaning, as he shook and shuddered his way through the class:
- a furious bear
- a conch shell
- the gurgling, sputtering and coughing when a big gulp of drink goes down the wrong pipe
- a woman in labor
- darth vader
- teen girl watching a horror movie
Anyway, the thing that really struck me, ultimately, is that no one in the class including myself paid this guy one bit of attention of even really noticed him until the teacher addressed the two new girls (first day) who I guess kept turning around to look at him with looks of deep concern. The teacher, in a very calm voice that was neither concerned nor uncaring, just said "Don't worry, He's fine."
It got me wondering why no one else was worried about him. Keep in mind that he was by no means calling out for help or falling down or anything. He was pushing through every posture of the standing series.
I realized that we all know how difficult the class can be at any stage (and especially remember back to our early days, at least those of us that didn't arrive in the class with the bodies of world class athletes) and also know how beneficial it is to the health, and maybe it doesn't even occur to us to be worried about someone, even if they are having a really hard time. I truly believe that the best place a sick or out of shape person can be is in that hot room practicing yoga the best they can, and although I can't speak for everyone in class that day, the two new girls and their worried faces honestly stood out more than that old guy, even as he roared like a lion on the plains of the serengheti.
I wonder if a lot of people whose hearts do not beat to the rhythm of this crazy hot yoga, so-called health experts, athletes in other arenas, etc., would be thinking that the new girls were right to be concerned, and the rest of us were jaded, distracted, or brainwashed. I don't know. It's something to think about. But in that moment that the teacher spoke, I knew for certain in some recess of my mind that the man would walk out of there perfectly fine, and so he did, and I DO believe he's the better for coming and giving the effort that he did. And to take that one step further, if someone were to advise him (based on his apparent difficulties with the postures and the heat and whatever else) to try a gentler form of yoga, I would be absolutely against that.
Tuesday, April 02, 2013
Yoga Update
It hardly seems possible, but I've been back at this yoga for about four and a half months now.
Wow. Great! In the past, when I was younger and a party girl, I would have really struggled to go this regularly without the aid of a thirty day challenge or a buddy to keep me hanging on. But I am doing this all by myself, with no one to motivate me. It definitely helped that I was laid off work for a while and had a lot of free time. This was great during that time because it takes so long (getting to the studio, nintely minute class, showering, etc.) - I was happy for something to do! Now I'm back at work full time and really serious about staying healthy and slim and saving my money!
My first month or so back, I was going really strong, and I had a lot of renewed energy. However, the studio I was at for that month was rather cold (I won't say which one it was, heehee) - many classes, I struggled to break a sweat, let along soak my outfit, towel, hair, and surrounding area. It really pissed me off, actually - I hope that something has been done about that. Goodness knows I complained about it more than a couple times. I realize now what a difference the heat makes to the difficulty of the yoga series as I had been thinking I'd just gotten really good at the yoga and it had become a piece of cake for me. Yuk yuk -- yeah right. I guess I forgot the saying, "It doesn't get any easier." Anyway, not hot enough at all - I won't go back if I can help it, although I don't know where I'll be living in future, and it's vital for my practice and commitment that a studio be close by. But I see now that the lack of heat actually gave me a lot of strength that I often don't have when I'm sizzling and shaking like a slice of bacon on the grill, and allowed me a level of playfulness in the postures. It was kinda neat doing Bikram yoga in (what felt like but probably wasn't) a normal temperature. I think overall it was a good experience and a good adjustment period for me, after three years of very patchy attendance.
My second month back on the train was at a completely different studio, one I'd never been to before, as I've been moving around a lot this year due to a period of unsettlement in my life. I really appreciated that studio as there was easy parking and it was never very busy, so it was always nice and quiet. God knows the chaos of the ladies' change room is enough to make me threaten to retire to a mountain cabin for all of my remaining days. However, unfortunately one side of the room was just a big window, and it was January at that time, the coldest time of year. It was difficult to keep the heat in. At least I was always breaking a sweat, (the later in the day the better, so I started going to the last class of the day), but on average this studio also wasn't hot enough for my liking. (Again I piped up about this many times and that's how I found out it was due to the big window, lol :)) At least I usually had a few reluctant beads of sweat covering my body, but at the end of class my clothing was just lightly damp, and my towel usually remained relatively dry. Lazy as I am, I often cheated and tried to use my feet to suck up all the wetness in different parts of my body to make my towel wetter for grip during triangle, but unless I used my full strength I was Slidy McGee, because halfway through the series, no matter what I did, my towel was the sahara desert. Anyway, it was during this second month that changes started to happen in my body (no I don't mean the good kind) and I developed a lot of pain in my lower back. More about this to come.
I took a break of about two and a half weeks before getting yet my third unlimited monthly package at my home studio, where I began and attended class for many years. (I still had 14 classes from an no-expiry date 20 class package I bought about three years ago, and I used all of those up in between buying memberships at these other studios, beginning in about the middle of November, which means I've actually been back at the yoga for over five months.) The heating system at this studio is amazing, and always has been. Almost every class is steaming HOT, the way I like it, and the way that absolutely destroys me. I am in my second month now, and I have been completely expelling each and every ounce of fluid from my body during almost all classes. Now I really, really see how much more difficult classes can be in the super hot, humid environment - of course it also depends on where you are in your body that day, how much salt you consumed, what you ate, how much you drank - you know what I mean if you practice. I regularly have classes where I have to sit or lie out a posture or two, feel nauseous, dizzy, exhausted beyond being able to think, and have to lie there for up to 10 or fifteen minutes post class, recovering and getting my strength back.
It's fucking great!
But like I said, I've really done something to my lower back - I began to feel it a couple of months ago, about late January. I didn't really do anything weird or get injured per se, can't attribute it to beginning in one particular class - the pain was just suddenly there all the time: during class, after, while I lay in bed at night. I am pretty sure it is due to forcing my body back into alignment (whatever that means, but there was always something funky going on with my hips), and pushing too hard through the pain when I should have been taking it easier. Not sure precisely what's going on, whether it's a pinched nerve or sciatica or even a slipped disc (yikes), but in addition to the pain and limited mobility/flexibility during the postures, especially on my right side, in my every day life I just don't feel limber, like when I run for the bus or bend down to grab something, I'm like an old lady. I surprise myself, because still I expect to be a quick moving bunny, and then when I feel the limitation, the stabbing pain, sometimes, it's like "Oh yeah. Shit."
Every yoga teacher I ask tells me something different (a fact I lament, and I have a lot more to say about this at some other date) and I have read some scary stuff online that actually had me questioning whether I should be doing the yoga at all. I haven't been to a doctor or chiropractor or anybody like that - that's not really my style, although if I can't work the kinks out through my own methods within the next couple months I may resort to something like that. I'm not sure, I don't really trust the so-called experts, mainly based on the results I hear about. I don't know. Again, I won't rule anything out ultimately, that would be stupid, I just don't want anyone getting their hands on me and making it worse, and I have seen that happen in people.
I've surmised from what I've read and from what I've been told, and of course in listening to my body, that for now I am best off barely doing forward bends at all, but going for it more than every with the backward bends. That means I have my knees very very bent during Hands to Feet pose, I don't kick out during Standing Head to Knee, I'm very careful not to have my hips out of alignment during Standing Bow, Balancing Stick, and Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee (that's 3 different postures), I place my hands on the floor during Standing Separate Leg Stretching, I do a light Sit-Up, I barely push my hips up in Rabbit, and I bend my knee up more than ever before in Head to Knee with Stretching. Meanwhile, I do everything else the same, and I give extra effort during all backbends, especially the spine strengthening series and Camel. After about six classes like this, I have definitely noticed improvement in my lower back, and actually during this afternoon's class I was very tempted to go back to my full expression during the forward bending postures, but I told myself I had better continue to take it easy for a little while longer.
I don't want to not be a limber person that can't jog to the corner store or get out of bed without pain. I know that teachers say that it is all part of the process, but I'm sorry: how long does the process last, and at the end of the day, what's the freaking point? The process of WHAT exactly, people?! The teachers I asked (and it was more of an investigative experiment than a true request for good advice because I don't actually trust that any of them can answer any of my questions to a satisfiable degree of expertise, I am truly sorry to say) all piped up about their own suddenly appearing hurts, pains, and limitations, and those of other teachers, as though to inspire or comfort me. Actually, it just worried me, and again, caused me to ask: WHY?
Why are we putting ourselves through this?
Millions of people that don't do yoga are walking around on this planet in fairly good health, and maybe they're out of alignment, maybe their bodies are actually in cold storage - but as long as they are in reasonable shape they seem to feel generally great, and they don't know the difference. They can dash across the hall without wincing in pain and rubbing their back for the next ten minutes like a car accident victim.
I know that the Bikram yoga series done in heat helps me to feel absolutely tremendous from the inside, (health-wise, system wise, organ wise, fitness wise, bodily-function wise, you get the picture), no matter what, and because I've never suffered from a serious physical injury, the health benefits are the true miracle for me. But it just doesn't make sense to me that I can only feel that good at the expense of my physical body, such as in my ligaments and tendons, joints and muscles, and bones. That's not how I want to feel in my body. I don't want to feel shitty on the outside. Straight up! Therefore, I think the best thing to do is just ease up for a significant period of time, and stop being concerned about how flexible I am, how good I look. (I don't even look that good anyway! Who am I kidding?) Even in the state I am in now, I am much more flexible than I ever was, even as a kid, before I started the yoga. Isn't that enough? I think it is, Miss Adriana.
Outside of the yoga room, I've been experimenting with the miracle ball system (google it), and continuing to do my pilates, which is a better core strengthener than any yoga practice I've ever done, and other stuff I usually do like biking and swimming. Oh yeah, that reminds me: lately cycling has also left my tailbone feeling sore, which is definitely connected to the lower back pain I have been describing here. I have to ride my bike. One of my friends told me that my cycling may also be contributing to my reduced flexibility, which is a bit of a shame, but I love it almost as much as I love yoga. Once again, the crazy flexibility I once aspired to is no longer the goal it once was.
I've also been trying to be more mindful of my posture, wear good shoes all the time, keep my stomach in whenever I think about it, and things like that.
I also wanted to mention that I've decided to change the focus of this blog somewhat to include the other things that are important to me at this time, mainly in terms of my finances, relationships, career, and what I want for my future. I am aspiring to bring about a lot of change in my life through discarding old, negative patterns in thoughts and behaviour, and adjusting and replacing them with new, empowered, ways of thinking and behaving, largely influenced by the teachings of the law of attraction. I touched upon this in a few earlier blog entries. I think I have a lot of good stuff to say, a lot of experience, and some good results. I am successful in unusual ways, and I'd like to share that with the people!
Overall, I feel I am at a good place in my life and I want to continue down this path and see where I end up. Cheers!
Wow. Great! In the past, when I was younger and a party girl, I would have really struggled to go this regularly without the aid of a thirty day challenge or a buddy to keep me hanging on. But I am doing this all by myself, with no one to motivate me. It definitely helped that I was laid off work for a while and had a lot of free time. This was great during that time because it takes so long (getting to the studio, nintely minute class, showering, etc.) - I was happy for something to do! Now I'm back at work full time and really serious about staying healthy and slim and saving my money!
My first month or so back, I was going really strong, and I had a lot of renewed energy. However, the studio I was at for that month was rather cold (I won't say which one it was, heehee) - many classes, I struggled to break a sweat, let along soak my outfit, towel, hair, and surrounding area. It really pissed me off, actually - I hope that something has been done about that. Goodness knows I complained about it more than a couple times. I realize now what a difference the heat makes to the difficulty of the yoga series as I had been thinking I'd just gotten really good at the yoga and it had become a piece of cake for me. Yuk yuk -- yeah right. I guess I forgot the saying, "It doesn't get any easier." Anyway, not hot enough at all - I won't go back if I can help it, although I don't know where I'll be living in future, and it's vital for my practice and commitment that a studio be close by. But I see now that the lack of heat actually gave me a lot of strength that I often don't have when I'm sizzling and shaking like a slice of bacon on the grill, and allowed me a level of playfulness in the postures. It was kinda neat doing Bikram yoga in (what felt like but probably wasn't) a normal temperature. I think overall it was a good experience and a good adjustment period for me, after three years of very patchy attendance.
My second month back on the train was at a completely different studio, one I'd never been to before, as I've been moving around a lot this year due to a period of unsettlement in my life. I really appreciated that studio as there was easy parking and it was never very busy, so it was always nice and quiet. God knows the chaos of the ladies' change room is enough to make me threaten to retire to a mountain cabin for all of my remaining days. However, unfortunately one side of the room was just a big window, and it was January at that time, the coldest time of year. It was difficult to keep the heat in. At least I was always breaking a sweat, (the later in the day the better, so I started going to the last class of the day), but on average this studio also wasn't hot enough for my liking. (Again I piped up about this many times and that's how I found out it was due to the big window, lol :)) At least I usually had a few reluctant beads of sweat covering my body, but at the end of class my clothing was just lightly damp, and my towel usually remained relatively dry. Lazy as I am, I often cheated and tried to use my feet to suck up all the wetness in different parts of my body to make my towel wetter for grip during triangle, but unless I used my full strength I was Slidy McGee, because halfway through the series, no matter what I did, my towel was the sahara desert. Anyway, it was during this second month that changes started to happen in my body (no I don't mean the good kind) and I developed a lot of pain in my lower back. More about this to come.
I took a break of about two and a half weeks before getting yet my third unlimited monthly package at my home studio, where I began and attended class for many years. (I still had 14 classes from an no-expiry date 20 class package I bought about three years ago, and I used all of those up in between buying memberships at these other studios, beginning in about the middle of November, which means I've actually been back at the yoga for over five months.) The heating system at this studio is amazing, and always has been. Almost every class is steaming HOT, the way I like it, and the way that absolutely destroys me. I am in my second month now, and I have been completely expelling each and every ounce of fluid from my body during almost all classes. Now I really, really see how much more difficult classes can be in the super hot, humid environment - of course it also depends on where you are in your body that day, how much salt you consumed, what you ate, how much you drank - you know what I mean if you practice. I regularly have classes where I have to sit or lie out a posture or two, feel nauseous, dizzy, exhausted beyond being able to think, and have to lie there for up to 10 or fifteen minutes post class, recovering and getting my strength back.
It's fucking great!
But like I said, I've really done something to my lower back - I began to feel it a couple of months ago, about late January. I didn't really do anything weird or get injured per se, can't attribute it to beginning in one particular class - the pain was just suddenly there all the time: during class, after, while I lay in bed at night. I am pretty sure it is due to forcing my body back into alignment (whatever that means, but there was always something funky going on with my hips), and pushing too hard through the pain when I should have been taking it easier. Not sure precisely what's going on, whether it's a pinched nerve or sciatica or even a slipped disc (yikes), but in addition to the pain and limited mobility/flexibility during the postures, especially on my right side, in my every day life I just don't feel limber, like when I run for the bus or bend down to grab something, I'm like an old lady. I surprise myself, because still I expect to be a quick moving bunny, and then when I feel the limitation, the stabbing pain, sometimes, it's like "Oh yeah. Shit."
Every yoga teacher I ask tells me something different (a fact I lament, and I have a lot more to say about this at some other date) and I have read some scary stuff online that actually had me questioning whether I should be doing the yoga at all. I haven't been to a doctor or chiropractor or anybody like that - that's not really my style, although if I can't work the kinks out through my own methods within the next couple months I may resort to something like that. I'm not sure, I don't really trust the so-called experts, mainly based on the results I hear about. I don't know. Again, I won't rule anything out ultimately, that would be stupid, I just don't want anyone getting their hands on me and making it worse, and I have seen that happen in people.
I've surmised from what I've read and from what I've been told, and of course in listening to my body, that for now I am best off barely doing forward bends at all, but going for it more than every with the backward bends. That means I have my knees very very bent during Hands to Feet pose, I don't kick out during Standing Head to Knee, I'm very careful not to have my hips out of alignment during Standing Bow, Balancing Stick, and Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee (that's 3 different postures), I place my hands on the floor during Standing Separate Leg Stretching, I do a light Sit-Up, I barely push my hips up in Rabbit, and I bend my knee up more than ever before in Head to Knee with Stretching. Meanwhile, I do everything else the same, and I give extra effort during all backbends, especially the spine strengthening series and Camel. After about six classes like this, I have definitely noticed improvement in my lower back, and actually during this afternoon's class I was very tempted to go back to my full expression during the forward bending postures, but I told myself I had better continue to take it easy for a little while longer.
I don't want to not be a limber person that can't jog to the corner store or get out of bed without pain. I know that teachers say that it is all part of the process, but I'm sorry: how long does the process last, and at the end of the day, what's the freaking point? The process of WHAT exactly, people?! The teachers I asked (and it was more of an investigative experiment than a true request for good advice because I don't actually trust that any of them can answer any of my questions to a satisfiable degree of expertise, I am truly sorry to say) all piped up about their own suddenly appearing hurts, pains, and limitations, and those of other teachers, as though to inspire or comfort me. Actually, it just worried me, and again, caused me to ask: WHY?
Why are we putting ourselves through this?
Millions of people that don't do yoga are walking around on this planet in fairly good health, and maybe they're out of alignment, maybe their bodies are actually in cold storage - but as long as they are in reasonable shape they seem to feel generally great, and they don't know the difference. They can dash across the hall without wincing in pain and rubbing their back for the next ten minutes like a car accident victim.
I know that the Bikram yoga series done in heat helps me to feel absolutely tremendous from the inside, (health-wise, system wise, organ wise, fitness wise, bodily-function wise, you get the picture), no matter what, and because I've never suffered from a serious physical injury, the health benefits are the true miracle for me. But it just doesn't make sense to me that I can only feel that good at the expense of my physical body, such as in my ligaments and tendons, joints and muscles, and bones. That's not how I want to feel in my body. I don't want to feel shitty on the outside. Straight up! Therefore, I think the best thing to do is just ease up for a significant period of time, and stop being concerned about how flexible I am, how good I look. (I don't even look that good anyway! Who am I kidding?) Even in the state I am in now, I am much more flexible than I ever was, even as a kid, before I started the yoga. Isn't that enough? I think it is, Miss Adriana.
Outside of the yoga room, I've been experimenting with the miracle ball system (google it), and continuing to do my pilates, which is a better core strengthener than any yoga practice I've ever done, and other stuff I usually do like biking and swimming. Oh yeah, that reminds me: lately cycling has also left my tailbone feeling sore, which is definitely connected to the lower back pain I have been describing here. I have to ride my bike. One of my friends told me that my cycling may also be contributing to my reduced flexibility, which is a bit of a shame, but I love it almost as much as I love yoga. Once again, the crazy flexibility I once aspired to is no longer the goal it once was.
I've also been trying to be more mindful of my posture, wear good shoes all the time, keep my stomach in whenever I think about it, and things like that.
I also wanted to mention that I've decided to change the focus of this blog somewhat to include the other things that are important to me at this time, mainly in terms of my finances, relationships, career, and what I want for my future. I am aspiring to bring about a lot of change in my life through discarding old, negative patterns in thoughts and behaviour, and adjusting and replacing them with new, empowered, ways of thinking and behaving, largely influenced by the teachings of the law of attraction. I touched upon this in a few earlier blog entries. I think I have a lot of good stuff to say, a lot of experience, and some good results. I am successful in unusual ways, and I'd like to share that with the people!
Overall, I feel I am at a good place in my life and I want to continue down this path and see where I end up. Cheers!
Monday, April 01, 2013
LOA thinking!
Jesus said, above all things I want you to prosper. I want to prosper too!
The universe is not a thing that is going to push us around.
We are allowed and able to DEMAND THAT THE UNIVERSE GIVE US WHAT WE WANT!
So, I have been immersing myself in the application of Law of Attraction principles in order to turn my life around and get what I want! I have been studying and trying to practice LOA since 2007, and it's definitely changed my way of thinking, and helped me to get my life on track. (That could also be in part due to the process of maturation, but there are many links in this life.) I used to be such a flounderer, as I've alluded to in this blog, and in some ways, I still am. But I'm proud of the great strides I've made, and I do attribute many of my successes to the teachings and principles associated with LOA, mindfulness, and New Age thought. I don't feel that this stuff is merely a heap of dismiss-worthy nonsense. Some of it, yes. And I realize that a lot of people who are into "woo" type stuff can be rather credulous. Some stuff I've heard individual people say is silly and even dangerous, and that turned me off everything, including all religious thought, for many years (that was during my skeptical/rational stage, which I'll get into another time). I guess what got me to where I am today in terms of my own personal philosophy was all the silly and dangerous teachings thrown about in all fields - in the skeptic crowd, in science, in philosophy, in medicine, (of course), and in our culture. I'm still in the process of rejecting everything I've been taught or influenced to think and establishing what I want to believe, what is important to me, what actually appeals to me rationally and intuitively. It's a process.
I can tell you that it's not easy to change the subconscious, to unlearn and re-write. You also don't want to completely discard all the good things you've learned. I've long pondered that living in the information age is the ultimate blessing and curse, because I have always been enamoured of the Internet and how beneficial it is, but at the same time also leads people down bizarre paths of belief, and it becomes very difficult to decipher what is credible and good information, and what absolutely isn't.
Anyway, depending on how strong our limiting beliefs are, (and I have some seemingly iron clad limiting beliefs, it would seem), it becomes something where if you truly want success, you have to change your whole approach to life, and become a very strong person, strong in your views, confident in your decisions and assertions. Sometimes I feel that I am, and other times, I'm back to floundering.
For me, it's not that I don't believe in the principles or understand them, it's just that applying them and avoiding going back into the negative thought loop has been very challenging for me. I have been so prone to thinking negatively, and being fearful - all that.
Last night, something significant happened during my meditation (I should say that for me, meditation is twenty minutes per day of just sitting there completely still, with my eyes closed, trying to focus on my breathing and curb the barrage of thoughts that race through my head). Inevitably, my mind starts wandering - anyway, I began to REALLY visualize what I wanted in a way I hadn't been doing. A lot of times I repeat affirmations (not during meditation usually unless I really cannot focus), but so far that hasn't been a very effective tool for me. (And I believe that they can be for many people, and they may be for me one day, but just that has not been the case thus far.) But whether it was due to my pleasant level of fatigue or that I am becoming a better meditator (and visualizer, as I had been doing visualizations last Saturday because my chakra theme of the day was third eye chakra, so I was just doing some exercises I had learned), I just visualized myself where I wanted to be in a very powerful, clear, and real way, and it felt like I was doing something I had never done before.
And suddently there was a spider crawling on me, down my arm! A big one. I yelped and jumped out of meditation, and brushed it off my arm and on to my bed. It didn't bother me that much because I am not really that scared of spiders, but I couldn't help thinking "This is a sign!" I honestly dont even remember the last time I saw a spider, let alone found one crawling on me. I don't think I ever have. And it had to come at that very moment?! I felt very strongly that it was some kind of sign, that I had found the key to making LOA work for me - although it cut my meditation short and that was a little disappointing!
Resulting thought: Words are for wimps. Mental pics are for mighty warriors! (That just came to me after my meditation, it's not meant to be particularly clever.)
I had a long sleep last night because I was tired and I needed it, about 9 hours. My body asked for that and I am grateful I was able to give it to myself. That will have a positive effect on my entire day.
My first thought today (as it has been so many times) was, AGAIN? Since I started devoting myself to the project of re-creating my life into exactly what I want it to be and diminishing my bad habits, every day has seemed so long, such a trial! I have been sorting through so much data in my brain as well as taking in new information, re-writing all the old codes and making discoveries. Every day is really a big, big day. I imagine that this is what young children with brains like sponges go through, just sucking up heaps of information every day and then the processing that goes with it. No wonder they sleep so soundly. (Whereas I think adults just start to worry and mull over everything and that takes up so much energy it's hard to learn new things, and worrying and mulling do not encourage good sleep! So, calling it quits with my co-dependent relationship with worry and mulling and instead devoting my energies to learning and processing is one of my biggest projects!)
Anyway, I am absolutely up for the challenge, but first thing in the morning it does feel somewhat overwhelming, because in truth I am not a child, I am an adult, and I have been trained for so long to just worry about everything. I think something that adds to that is not being organized, waking up to a messy room or shaky plans, waking up and having to be in a rush (if it is a work day, which today wasn't, of course.) And I have seen evidence of that feeling being somewhat diminished or lessened when I wake up completely organized and with my day all planned out. It is really MUCH better, and this also applies to non-work days. This is hard for me because of my long habits of disorderly and chaotic dealings with my belongings and my living space - again, another project.
(Another idea I had was putting my chakra focus affirmation card by my bed and thinking about that first thing. Just taking a few moments to build up the courage to start all over again.)
Back to my disorganized ways, lately I have become really annoyed and exhausted when leaving the house takes me half an hour just to get my bag packed and find everything I need, or more. It's ridiculous, I totally reject it. What a waste of time. And so many days, it has been like that. In a way it's not my wrong-doing because whether I am walking, driving, or taking the bus, I do need different things, and I want to bring varied things anyway because of the types of things I like to do. But it is excessive, and still a challenge. Today will be better.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)