It's tough, but it's worth it!

There was a man in our very hot class today, in the back corner beside the metal rail like you see in the handicapped bathroom. (Boy did this man need that rail.) I would say he was about 65 years old, but possibly older, and he had a large, square body with the loose skin of the Floridian winter crowd, and big floppy man boobs.

Let me tell ya: No one in that room was working as hard as that guy. This man was climbing the summit of Mount Everest back there - I am not exaggerating. To illustrate, these are the words that my mind is conjuring up in association to what he was producing, mainly in the form of gasping, grunting and groaning, as he shook and shuddered his way through the class:

- a furious bear
- a conch shell
- the gurgling, sputtering and coughing when a big gulp of drink goes down the wrong pipe
- a woman in labor
- darth vader
- teen girl watching a horror movie

Anyway, the thing that really struck me, ultimately, is that no one in the class including myself paid this guy one bit of attention of even really noticed him until the teacher addressed the two new girls (first day) who I guess kept turning around to look at him with looks of deep concern. The teacher, in a very calm voice that was neither concerned nor uncaring, just said "Don't worry, He's fine."

It got me wondering why no one else was worried about him. Keep in mind that he was by no means calling out for help or falling down or anything. He was pushing through every posture of the standing series.

I realized that we all know how difficult the class can be at any stage (and especially remember back to our early days, at least those of us that didn't arrive in the class with the bodies of world class athletes) and also know how beneficial it is to the health, and maybe it doesn't even occur to us to be worried about someone, even if they are having a really hard time. I truly believe that the best place a sick or out of shape person can be is in that hot room practicing yoga the best they can, and although I can't speak for everyone in class that day, the two new girls and their worried faces honestly stood out more than that old guy, even as he roared like a lion on the plains of the serengheti.

I wonder if a lot of people whose hearts do not beat to the rhythm of this crazy hot yoga, so-called health experts, athletes in other arenas, etc., would be thinking that the new girls were right to be concerned, and the rest of us were jaded, distracted, or brainwashed. I don't know. It's something to think about. But in that moment that the teacher spoke, I knew for certain in some recess of my mind that the man would walk out of there perfectly fine, and so he did, and I DO believe he's the better for coming and giving the effort that he did. And to take that one step further, if someone were to advise him (based on his apparent difficulties with the postures and the heat and whatever else) to try a gentler form of yoga, I would be absolutely against that.

Yoga Update

It hardly seems possible, but I've been back at this yoga for about four and a half months now.

Wow. Great! In the past, when I was younger and a party girl, I would have really struggled to go this regularly without the aid of a thirty day challenge or a buddy to keep me hanging on. But I am doing this all by myself, with no one to motivate me. It definitely helped that I was laid off work for a while and had a lot of free time. This was great during that time because it takes so long (getting to the studio, nintely minute class, showering, etc.) - I was happy for something to do! Now I'm back at work full time and really serious about staying healthy and slim and saving my money!

My first month or so back, I was going really strong, and I had a lot of renewed energy. However, the studio I was at for that month was rather cold (I won't say which one it was, heehee) - many classes, I struggled to break a sweat, let along soak my outfit, towel, hair, and surrounding area. It really pissed me off, actually - I hope that something has been done about that. Goodness knows I complained about it more than a couple times. I realize now what a difference the heat makes to the difficulty of the yoga series as I had been thinking I'd just gotten really good at the yoga and it had become a piece of cake for me. Yuk yuk -- yeah right. I guess I forgot the saying, "It doesn't get any easier." Anyway, not hot enough at all - I won't go back if I can help it, although I don't know where I'll be living in future, and it's vital for my practice and commitment that a studio be close by. But I see now that the lack of heat actually gave me a lot of strength that I often don't have when I'm sizzling and shaking like a slice of bacon on the grill, and allowed me a level of playfulness in the postures. It was kinda neat doing Bikram yoga in (what felt like but probably wasn't) a normal temperature. I think overall it was a good experience and a good adjustment period for me, after three years of very patchy attendance.

My second month back on the train was at a completely different studio, one I'd never been to before, as I've been moving around a lot this year due to a period of unsettlement in my life. I really appreciated that studio as there was easy parking and it was never very busy, so it was always nice and quiet. God knows the chaos of the ladies' change room is enough to make me threaten to retire to a mountain cabin for all of my remaining days. However, unfortunately one side of the room was just a big window, and it was January at that time, the coldest time of year. It was difficult to keep the heat in. At least I was always breaking a sweat, (the later in the day the better, so I started going to the last class of the day), but on average this studio also wasn't hot enough for my liking. (Again I piped up about this many times and that's how I found out it was due to the big window, lol :)) At least I usually had a few reluctant beads of sweat covering my body, but at the end of class my clothing was just lightly damp, and my towel usually remained relatively dry. Lazy as I am, I often cheated and tried to use my feet to suck up all the wetness in different parts of my body to make my towel wetter for grip during triangle, but unless I used my full strength I was Slidy McGee, because halfway through the series, no matter what I did, my towel was the sahara desert. Anyway, it was during this second month that changes started to happen in my body (no I don't mean the good kind) and I developed a lot of pain in my lower back. More about this to come.

I took a break of about two and a half weeks before getting yet my third unlimited monthly package at my home studio, where I began and attended class for many years. (I still had 14 classes from an no-expiry date 20 class package I bought about three years ago, and I used all of those up in between buying memberships at these other studios, beginning in about the middle of November, which means I've actually been back at the yoga for over five months.) The heating system at this studio is amazing, and always has been. Almost every class is steaming HOT, the way I like it, and the way that absolutely destroys me. I am in my second month now, and I have been completely expelling each and every ounce of fluid from my body during almost all classes. Now I really, really see how much more difficult classes can be in the super hot, humid environment - of course it also depends on where you are in your body that day, how much salt you consumed, what you ate, how much you drank - you know what I mean if you practice. I regularly have classes where I have to sit or lie out a posture or two, feel nauseous, dizzy, exhausted beyond being able to think, and have to lie there for up to 10 or fifteen minutes post class, recovering and getting my strength back.

It's fucking great!

But like I said, I've really done something to my lower back - I began to feel it a couple of months ago, about late January. I didn't really do anything weird or get injured per se, can't attribute it to beginning in one particular class - the pain was just suddenly there all the time: during class, after, while I lay in bed at night. I am pretty sure it is due to forcing my body back into alignment (whatever that means, but there was always something funky going on with my hips), and pushing too hard through the pain when I should have been taking it easier. Not sure precisely what's going on, whether it's a pinched nerve or sciatica or even a slipped disc (yikes), but in addition to the pain and limited mobility/flexibility during the postures, especially on my right side, in my every day life I just don't feel limber, like when I run for the bus or bend down to grab something, I'm like an old lady. I surprise myself, because still I expect to be a quick moving bunny, and then when I feel the limitation, the stabbing pain, sometimes, it's like "Oh yeah. Shit."

Every yoga teacher I ask tells me something different (a fact I lament, and I have a lot more to say about this at some other date) and I have read some scary stuff online that actually had me questioning whether I should be doing the yoga at all. I haven't been to a doctor or chiropractor or anybody like that - that's not really my style, although if I can't work the kinks out through my own methods within the next couple months I may resort to something like that. I'm not sure, I don't really trust the so-called experts, mainly based on the results I hear about. I don't know. Again, I won't rule anything out ultimately, that would be stupid, I just don't want anyone getting their hands on me and making it worse, and I have seen that happen in people.

I've surmised from what I've read and from what I've been told, and of course in listening to my body, that for now I am best off barely doing forward bends at all, but going for it more than every with the backward bends. That means I have my knees very very bent during Hands to Feet pose, I don't kick out during Standing Head to Knee, I'm very careful not to have my hips out of alignment during Standing Bow, Balancing Stick, and Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee (that's 3 different postures), I place my hands on the floor during Standing Separate Leg Stretching, I do a light Sit-Up, I barely push my hips up in Rabbit, and I bend my knee up more than ever before in Head to Knee with Stretching. Meanwhile, I do everything else the same, and I give extra effort during all backbends, especially the spine strengthening series and Camel. After about six classes like this, I have definitely noticed improvement in my lower back, and actually during this afternoon's class I was very tempted to go back to my full expression during the forward bending postures, but I told myself I had better continue to take it easy for a little while longer.

I don't want to not be a limber person that can't jog to the corner store or get out of bed without pain. I know that teachers say that it is all part of the process, but I'm sorry: how long does the process last, and at the end of the day, what's the freaking point? The process of WHAT exactly, people?! The teachers I asked (and it was more of an investigative experiment than a true request for good advice because I don't actually trust that any of them can answer any of my questions to a satisfiable degree of expertise, I am truly sorry to say) all piped up about their own suddenly appearing hurts, pains, and limitations, and those of other teachers, as though to inspire or comfort me. Actually, it just worried me, and again, caused me to ask: WHY?

Why are we putting ourselves through this?

Millions of people that don't do yoga are walking around on this planet in fairly good health, and maybe they're out of alignment, maybe their bodies are actually in cold storage - but as long as they are in reasonable shape they seem to feel generally great, and they don't know the difference. They can dash across the hall without wincing in pain and rubbing their back for the next ten minutes like a car accident victim.

I know that the Bikram yoga series done in heat helps me to feel absolutely tremendous from the inside, (health-wise, system wise, organ wise, fitness wise, bodily-function wise, you get the picture), no matter what, and because I've never suffered from a serious physical injury, the health benefits are the true miracle for me. But it just doesn't make sense to me that I can only feel that good at the expense of my physical body, such as in my ligaments and tendons, joints and muscles, and bones. That's not how I want to feel in my body. I don't want to feel shitty on the outside. Straight up! Therefore, I think the best thing to do is just ease up for a significant period of time, and stop being concerned about how flexible I am, how good I look. (I don't even look that good anyway! Who am I kidding?) Even in the state I am in now, I am much more flexible than I ever was, even as a kid, before I started the yoga. Isn't that enough? I think it is, Miss Adriana.

Outside of the yoga room, I've been experimenting with the miracle ball system (google it), and continuing to do my pilates, which is a better core strengthener than any yoga practice I've ever done, and other stuff I usually do like biking and swimming. Oh yeah, that reminds me: lately cycling has also left my tailbone feeling sore, which is definitely connected to the lower back pain I have been describing here. I have to ride my bike. One of my friends told me that my cycling may also be contributing to my reduced flexibility, which is a bit of a shame, but I love it almost as much as I love yoga. Once again, the crazy flexibility I once aspired to is no longer the goal it once was.

I've also been trying to be more mindful of my posture, wear good shoes all the time, keep my stomach in whenever I think about it, and things like that.

I also wanted to mention that I've decided to change the focus of this blog somewhat to include the other things that are important to me at this time, mainly in terms of my finances, relationships, career, and what I want for my future. I am aspiring to bring about a lot of change in my life through discarding old, negative patterns in thoughts and behaviour, and adjusting and replacing them with new, empowered, ways of thinking and behaving, largely influenced by the teachings of the law of attraction. I touched upon this in a few earlier blog entries. I think I have a lot of good stuff to say, a lot of experience, and some good results. I am successful in unusual ways, and I'd like  to share that with the people!

Overall, I feel I am at a good place in my life and I want to continue down this path and see where I end up. Cheers!

LOA thinking!

Jesus said, above all things I want you to prosper. I want to prosper too!

The universe is not a thing that is going to push us around.

We are allowed and able to DEMAND THAT THE UNIVERSE GIVE US WHAT WE WANT!

So, I have been immersing myself in the application of Law of Attraction principles in order to turn my life around and get what I want! I have been studying and trying to practice LOA since 2007, and it's definitely changed my way of thinking, and helped me to get my life on track. (That could also be in part due to the process of maturation, but there are many links in this life.) I used to be such a flounderer, as I've alluded to in this blog, and in some ways, I still am. But I'm proud of the great strides I've made, and I do attribute many of my successes to the teachings and principles associated with LOA, mindfulness, and New Age thought. I don't feel that this stuff is merely a heap of dismiss-worthy nonsense. Some of it, yes. And I realize that a lot of people who are into "woo" type stuff can be rather credulous. Some stuff I've heard individual people say is silly and even dangerous, and that turned me off everything, including all religious thought, for many years (that was during my skeptical/rational stage, which I'll get into another time). I guess what got me to where I am today in terms of my own personal philosophy was all the silly and dangerous teachings thrown about in all fields - in the skeptic crowd, in science, in philosophy, in medicine, (of course), and in our culture. I'm still in the process of rejecting everything I've been taught or influenced to think and establishing what I want to believe, what is important to me, what actually appeals to me rationally and intuitively. It's a process.

I can tell you that it's not easy to change the subconscious, to unlearn and re-write. You also don't want to completely discard all the good things you've learned. I've long pondered that living in the information age is the ultimate blessing and curse, because I have always been enamoured of the Internet and how beneficial it is, but at the same time also leads people down bizarre paths of belief, and it becomes very difficult to decipher what is credible and good information, and what absolutely isn't. 

Anyway, depending on how strong our limiting beliefs are, (and I have some seemingly iron clad limiting beliefs, it would seem), it becomes something where if you truly want success, you have to change your whole approach to life, and become a very strong person, strong in your views, confident in your decisions and assertions. Sometimes I feel that I am, and other times, I'm back to floundering.

For me, it's not that I don't believe in the principles or understand them, it's just that applying them and avoiding going back into the negative thought loop has been very challenging for me. I have been so prone to thinking negatively, and being fearful - all that. 

Last night, something significant happened during my meditation (I should say that for me, meditation is twenty minutes per day of just sitting there completely still, with my eyes closed, trying to focus on my breathing and curb the barrage of thoughts that race through my head). Inevitably, my mind starts wandering - anyway, I began to REALLY visualize what I wanted in a way I hadn't been doing. A lot of times I repeat affirmations (not during meditation usually unless I really cannot focus), but so far that hasn't been a very effective tool for me. (And I believe that they can be for many people, and they may be for me one day, but just that has not been the case thus far.) But whether it was due to my pleasant level of fatigue or that I am becoming a better meditator (and visualizer, as I had been doing visualizations last Saturday because my chakra theme of the day was third eye chakra, so I was just doing some exercises I had learned), I just visualized myself where I wanted to be in a very powerful, clear, and real way, and it felt like I was doing something I had never done before.

And suddently there was a spider crawling on me, down my arm! A big one. I yelped and jumped out of meditation, and brushed it off my arm and on to my bed. It didn't bother me that much because I am not really that scared of spiders, but I couldn't help thinking "This is a sign!" I honestly dont even remember the last time I saw a spider, let alone found one crawling on me. I don't think I ever have. And it had to come at that very moment?! I felt very strongly that it was some kind of sign, that I had found the key to making LOA work for me - although it cut my meditation short and that was a little disappointing!

Resulting thought: Words are for wimps. Mental pics are for mighty warriors! (That just came to me after my meditation, it's not meant to be particularly clever.)

I had a long sleep last night because I was tired and I needed it, about 9 hours. My body asked for that and I am grateful I was able to give it to myself. That will have a positive effect on my entire day.

My first thought today (as it has been so many times) was, AGAIN? Since I started devoting myself to the project of re-creating my life into exactly what I want it to be and diminishing my bad habits, every day has seemed so long, such a trial! I have been sorting through so much data in my brain as well as taking in new information, re-writing all the old codes and making discoveries. Every day is really a big, big day. I imagine that this is what young children with brains like sponges go through, just sucking up heaps of information every day and then the processing that goes with it. No wonder they sleep so soundly. (Whereas I think adults just start to worry and mull over everything and that takes up so much energy it's hard to learn new things, and worrying and mulling do not encourage good sleep! So, calling it quits with my co-dependent relationship with worry and mulling and instead devoting my energies to learning and processing is one of my biggest projects!) 

Anyway, I am absolutely up for the challenge, but first thing in the morning it does feel somewhat overwhelming, because in truth I am not a child, I am an adult, and I have been trained for so long to just worry about everything. I think something that adds to that is not being organized, waking up to a messy room or shaky plans, waking up and having to be in a rush (if it is a work day, which today wasn't, of course.) And I have seen evidence of that feeling being somewhat diminished or lessened when I wake up completely organized and with my day all planned out. It is really MUCH better, and this also applies to non-work days. This is hard for me because of my long habits of disorderly and chaotic dealings with my belongings and my living space - again, another project.

(Another idea I had was putting my chakra focus affirmation card by my bed and thinking about that first thing. Just taking a few moments to build up the courage to start all over again.)

Back to my disorganized ways, lately I have become really annoyed and exhausted when leaving the house takes me half an hour just to get my bag packed and find everything I need, or more. It's ridiculous, I totally reject it. What a waste of time. And so many days, it has been like that. In a way it's not my wrong-doing because whether I am walking, driving, or taking the bus, I do need different things, and I want to bring varied things anyway because of the types of things I like to do. But it is excessive, and still a challenge. Today will be better.

Reacting

Reacting (originally written on Friday, March 29th, 2013)

It has often been the case that I will find myself in a good or neutral sort of mood, and then have a negative encounter with someone that gets me down. It can change my mood completely, even the course of my entire day. Throughout the past few years I have come to realize that maybe there is something that I can do about this. It's something we hear a lot (we can control our reactions), but I have actually found it quite challenging. I'm happy to report that I have had some progress.

It is still MUCH easier for me to maintain a positive or neutral mood when my interactions are pleasant, and I don't come into contact with people who have a "bad energy" feel to them.

However, I think it's significant that reaching a place where you can control the way (and the degree to which) other people affect you is a process. We hear that we can do this, and think that the next negative encounter will magically be different, just because we've decided that is what we want. And then, before we know it, a negative encounter occurs, we let ourselves get worked up or upset or offended, and to boot now we blame ourselves for not dealing with it properly. But reacting poorly is a habit, and habits take time to break. The fact that it isn't easy allows us to grow and develop. Overcoming challenge is a major part of the human experience!

That being said, I think it's very important to recognize what is and what isn't a personal challenge for ourselves as individuals. For instance, one thing I have always been good at was dealing with difficult customers. I started working with the public at a young age, and to this day (though I've had several different kinds of jobs) I still work with people, and it requires a lot of patience that I absolutely have. I used to pride myself on this, until I thought about the fact that it just came naturally to me. People often comment on my patience, as though I am constantly exercising great control over my reactions. However, I am usually not. It's just the way I am. Having patience with customers and guests and students is not my challenge, as it is for some people. My challenge is dealing with people in authority, such as managers and bosses, landlords, and even still my parents. I get my feelings hurt easily, and often feel as though I am disliked, or being treated unfairly, or used, and especially that I have done something wrong. Negative (or sometimes even neutral) encounters with a person in authority can result in a lot of stress for me. This is my personal challenge, and I still have a long way to go.

One thing that I have found very helpful, not only in unpleasant or unwanted dealings with people, but also situations like bad traffic or an unexpected bill, is acknowledging the way I actually feel, and showing myself a little compassion. I tend to get mad at myself for feeling bad. What good is that? I also find that being fake or phony with myself, or being overly optimistic or dismissive is not helpful. My mind knows when I am being dishonest with myself. If I am trying to enjoy myself, and then hear some disappointing news, or someone says something that hurts my feelings, I can't just carry on as though nothing happened in the name of not letting situations and people have control over what I am feeling - I think this is a common mistake people make. Maybe it does work for some people - I don't know. In my case, giving myself a few moments to discover what I am feeling, and why, and just accept the way I feel as the response of a fairly normal person, makes it surprisingly easy to let the whole thing go. I don't remember to do this every time, especially when I am in a hurry or high stress situation (such as work). Needless to say, though, I hope to use this technique more and more.

The Chakras

(Originally Written on Friday, March 29, 2013)

I find it hard to grasp the concept of energy centres in the body, (also called chakras). It just doesn't come naturally to me to believe that any such thing actually exists, though I know the idea is central to many belief systems and interpretations of the way the human body works. 

That being said, I have done A LOT of work with chakras, or at least been involved with stuff that incorporated them into the teachings or practices.

For example, I did a one month intensive yoga retreat during which we brought our attention to, and talked about, chakras all the time. I have also practiced different styles of yoga that involved focusing on the chakras - probably hundreds of times.

I dd another separate eight week (once per week) workshop style class on kundalini yoga - again, practically the entire focus was on the chakras.

I also took a three day tantric seminar - non-stop chakra-talk.

Come to think of it, I even studied about the chakras in university during my courses in mahayana Buddhism. And in my own time, I have read dozens of books that explored or at least referred to the chakras and energy (or chi/prana, depending on the religious system or philosophy).

Finally, I once had a series of energy healing treatments with the goal of unblocking my chakras and allowing energy to run more smoothly through my body. It was an enjoyable and relaxing experience, and as a matter of fact I do believe that I gained a lot of benefit from these treatments.

Oh yes, one more thing: I took an online course in intuitive development that included two different guided meditation that involve clearing one's own chakras, which I still listen to from time to time. I have been taught that intuition in the spiritual sense is strongly linked to an awareness of the chakra.

So, anyway, clearlyI would like to believe in chakras. Intelligent people I trust think of them as very real things - tangible as well. And I have felt the effects of energy healing. I do believe that people can store hurt and negativity in different places in the body, and that this can have negative consequences for their health as well as the way outside factors relate to their existence. I also believe in good and bad energy, because I am quite sensitive to it. It sounds weird, but if I don't feel well, like if I have a stomach ache or I'm tired, and I play with a puppy or cuddle a baby, or even just cuddle or get touched by a person with what I feel is good energy, I absolutely feel the benefit of that. (Actually I have felt guilty about this before, as though maybe I am taking something away from them. But I think it's OK). Nonetheless, I still struggle with feeling the positive effects of clearing out my own chakras. And I don't seem to feel that a yoga class is any different when I focus on this chakra or that one, or if I spend the whole class thinking about how I just want to be skinny and hope that I'm burning enough calories I still feel just as good or neutral. Really. Doesn't that sound superficial, but I get really annoyed with the fake talk I hear amongst people that practice yoga. I really just need to be real about this.

Anyway, I do enjoy what the chakras represent, and I am obviously attracted to philosophies and religious practices that talk about energy centres. So I decided to make the seven days of this week correspond to each of the chakras, beginning with the root, which was Monday, as part of my quest to become mindful.

I made 7 little cards, one of which to slip into my journal each day. Each has three related affirmations to help me to keep my focus. See:

By the way, I didn't make these affirmations up myself, I just found them on the Internet. I like them well enough. I also changed the screen on my iphone each day with a symbol for each of the chakras (again I found the images on the internet and just saved them on to my phone).

Here are the results so far:

On Monday, I wore a great red sweater (red is my favorite color, by the way), and focused on my root chakra, and said the affirmations quite a lot. I also tried to stay very awake and aware and non-reactive. I had a good day. However, a big issue I am having right now is with snacking, especially out of boredom and loneliness, as well as stress. I did buy a chocolate croissant on Monday. But I feel that I took an important first step in recognizing why I have been doing the snacking, and I asked myself if the urge was irresistible - my answer was yes, absolutely. Haha. So I just had the snack and was done with it.

Tuesday (sacral) was a hectic day for me. I forgot to say the affirmations. I feel this may be significant as I do struggle with second chakra issues, and I feel that making romantic connections is borderline impossible for me right now. Also, this does sound like a funny thing to admit but I am working on developing the sensual, sexy side of myself by doing things like eating and moving slower, being aware of the way I move and the expression on my face, not being so spazzy, stuff like that. And it's really tough! I also forgot to wear orange. Haha. I had a great yoga class, though - that was a highlight. Unfortunately, I felt the need for a treat again - I had a tall green tea frappuccino from Starbucks.

Wednesday was solar plexus day - the solar plexus is a huge focus of mine right now because of the emphasis placed on it in the Master Key system, (a 24 week self-study course that I am on, which I am sure I'll make reference to in the future). I don't have anything yellow, I discovered, except panties, so I wore those :) Again, I had a hectic day and kept forgetting to say my affirmations, but I did manage to keep the focus.

Yesterday, Thursday, was heart chakra day. This was significant because I found myself feeling a lot of anger and irritation with my students, my parents, even people that I didn't encounter yesterday. At first I found that disheartening (pun intended) because yesterday was the day I was "supposed" to be feeling love and forgiveness, and actually I felt less of that than usual, but eventually I just decided to go with it. That is what came up: what can you do? So I allowed myself to feel those emotions and explored them gently. I also had a bit to drink last night. Maybe I was dealing with some stuff on the sub-conscious level. I did remember to wear green.

Today is throat chakra day, and yes I am dressed in blue. I also started this blog today, and began the day with some journaling, and worked a tiny bit on my novel, which has become a real rarity. Today I am focusing on expressing to the people in my life how I truly feel in a calm, gentle, and honest way, instead keeping quiet about it and letting anger build up inside of me. This is a strong tendency that I have, one that is closely linked to my need to be liked, accepted - as well as my fear of "getting into trouble." However, it often results in nasty or unpleasant encounters where I find myself speaking bitterly, sarcastically, hurting a person's feelings, or even picking a fight. I really believe that my life and my relationships will improve dramatically once I get better at not bottling things up inside and having the courage to be honest with the people in my life about the way that I feel. I never realized how much courage it could take to be honest. But it does.

Also, I am going to work on my art in a little while, which is another aspect of being creative and expressing myself. I have been doing a lot of art lately, which feels really great.

So...the chakras. At the very least, they're a great focus. I'll report on third eye and crown chakra days (tomorrow and Sunday - which, interestingly, is Easter) in a few days.

Bumps in the Road

So last I checked in my practice had been quite consistent and I was looking for ways to challenge myself further, physically. Well, everything's changed!

It all began about two weeks ago when I started feeling dizzy at every turn. I wasn't sure what was going on, if I was coming down with the flu or it was something I ate, or even stress. Anyway, on Tuesday the 8th I think it was I pushed myself VERY hard, and that was the first class I'd had in a while where I was able to produce a lot of sweat. (By the way, I don't know what's going on at the studios but there are some classes where it's been tough to even break a sweat let alone drip like I remember doing every class back in the old days. I don't know what's going on - now I know the condition of one's own body and the weather, the time of day, all of that stuff affects how humid the room gets, but this is a trend I've noticed. Maybe it's the new ventilation systems. I look around the room and notice the others aren't very sweaty either. The room certainly smells nice - that's definitely not like the old days!)

Anyway, that class may have actually been when my dizziness started. I had also pushed myself with a Cassie (blogalates.com) thighs routine that left me so stiff and sore I could barely move. So while Wednesday's class was good, after doing that really hard class and the other routine I really had to take it easy, plus I felt dizzy and nauseous.

On Thursday I felt dizzy all day long, and wasn't going to go to class at all, but at the last minute I decided to give 8:15 pm class a try - oh boy. I felt dizzy from the first set of pranayama breathing and it never ended. I had to sit out many postures, I would say about 1/4 of the class. That was my worst class since my return! I was so shaky. The teacher tried to offer me some correction and I actually spoke in class, which I almost never do, to say that I felt really sick and was just trying my best, basically saying I wasn't receptive to correction. It can be really hard on the ego to have a bad class like that when there aren't many people in the room, you just feel so useless. I know the teacher is well aware that everyone has classes like that. It's so silly, but it was on my mind.

I did take Friday and Saturday off, and returned on Sunday evening for a fairly strong class with little dizziness. However, I felt that I might have injured myself (and actually, I still feel that way) because my flexibility has been significantly compromised, I have lower back pain, and left hip pain, when usually my right hip is the problem one. I cannot even do Triangle, and Standing Sep Leg Head to Knee is VERY painful for me on the left side. This has never happened to me before! Anyway, on Sunday I just took it easy on myself but had a great class.

Then I made a pact with myself that I would attend 9:30 am class every day this week (I usually go to 4:15 pm or 6:15 pm) as I'm on a funny work schedule - I just wanted to see how that felt, and get yoga out of the way earlier in the day so as to get more things done.

Now I should mention that here in Vancouver where I'm located we're experiencing cold temperatures, meaning stiffer bodies. Also, I get a lot of soreness in my left wrist (arthritic beginnings, possibly) during cold weather due to a bad break I had about 10 years ago. I've been told this is something I will suffer with for the rest of my life. I spent last winter in Hawaii and the year before that wasn't too cold, so I haven't had wrist trouble in some time, but it's pretty bad right now.

Anyway, 9:30 am class on Monday morning - I could barely move! It was so painful. The forward bend part of Half-Moon with Hands to Feet was almost impossible for me. I almost fell over, honestly. I was in a fair amount of pain from stiffness and that left-side weirdness and it lasted all day.

Nonetheless I got up for 9:30 am class the next day as well : OH MY GOD. Never in my life have I been in so much pain during a BY class. It was utterly exhausting. The class went on for ever and ever, it was not enjoyable in any way, and I had trouble walking later that day. Really. Walking. Anyway I had a beer at a late lunch that day and I felt a lot better. Actually, I did feel pretty good for the rest of Tuesday but I did have a really busy day with a lot of walking, and it left me feeling unusually tired. I got home at about10 pm and totally crashed.

On Wednesday morning I slept STRAIGHT through my alarm. My body was desperate for rest. When I finally did wake up at about 10, after twelve hours of sleep, I made the decision not to go to yoga that day. I spent a few hours playing with my 1 and a half year old niece, who was being baby-sat by my parents, and used that as an opportunity to get some movement into my joints and limbs, and stretch out. I had limited mobility.

On Thursday (this is yesterday) I struggled with motivation and considered skipping class again - however, I turned to the letter I wrote to myself urging myself to fight my demons and make the best choice for my body, and decided to go to 12 pm class. I arrived a bit early and poured my heart out about all my aches and hurts and the limited flexibility to the teacher, (whom I had never met), and she was very understanding and patient. It felt good to let it all out. She gave the usual advice, nothing too out of the ordinary or insightful, but I wasn't really looking for any of that. She gave me just what I needed!

The room was nice and warm and it was quite sunny, so I put my mat near the window and pretended I was in a balmy place. It was truly a wonderful class. I tried extra hard in Half Locust to raise up my legs so as to hopefully offer a little healing to my wrist. In the past I've suffered from Carpal Tunnel (I type a lot) and I've found BY, specifically that pose, to be very helpful. My wrist does feel better on the days I practice but for me the most important thing is not to let my hands get cold.

Last night I had a nice dinner out and that included some cocktails. After going to bed quite late, when I woke up this morning I wasn't feeling the greatest and could not bear the thought of going to an AM class. I also had errands to run today and wondered if I would make it to class at all. However, any time I consume alcohol I like to get to class as soon as I can afterward to flush it out of my system, so I talked myself into going to class at 6:15. Driving there I somehow knew intuitively that even though yoga was the last thing in the world I felt like doing, that I would end up having a good class. And, I was right! The room was super humid and I sweat a ton. Besides a bit of a pinched feeling still present in my left hip and hamstring (reducing flexibility in about five of the postures) I felt absolutely great. Not my strongest ever, nor my most flexible, but Standing Head to Knee was surprisingly strong and I just felt very good in class.

So, am I healed? I hope so. The dizziness seems to have passed, thankfully. I am now wondering if the morning stiffness should be addressed with a few more attempts at 9:15 am classes, just taking it very slow and maybe trying to get a little walk in beforehand to loosen up.

God, you'd think I was about 80 years old!

Anyway, goes to show: your practice could change completely within a matter of days. You get sloppy, you get lazy, boom, there's a minor injury. Then you don't accept your injury and push yourself too hard, and you aggravate it even more. It's the ego!

Teacher Madness!

A few months ago I was being interviewed by a language student (I work as a private English language teacher) from Rome, who was only in town for about six months. She was explaining to me why she felt she'd prefer to take private lessons for a couple of hours a day instead of enrolling in a class. In a nutshell, she felt that an inadequate teacher and students at a lower level than she was might drag her down, or that a bad textbook or curriculum wouldn't allow her to maximize her learning potential. Because I felt that she and I weren't a very good fit, (due to my timetable that month, and other reasons), I was completely honest with her about her attitude towards the ESL classroom: I told her it didn't matter who her teacher was, and it didn't matter if every other student in there couldn't speak a lick of English. A bad textbook can can definitely be a hindrance - I mean, all of those things she was worried about DO have an effect, but I said that ultimately it was up to her to learn English, to facilitate her own learning. I'm a strong proponent of the idea that students in all disciplines have to take absolute responsibility for their education, and that blaming any external factors often beyond our control doesn't really do us any good, even if we have some valid points in our criticism.

The best students rarely complain, even when a classroom situation is less than ideal. (Some students, by the way, always complain, even when everything is handed to them with a side of extra spicy buffalo wings.) I've learned that much over the years. Good students make the best of the situation and know that they can learn just as much if not more when they decide that they can rise above negative factors and make the most of their education no matter what. 

Now as much as I maintain my firm stance on this issue, I don't want to drive this point home too hard with my own students because I also take big responsibility for my role as an instructor, and I would never want them to doubt that. When I feel I've been lazy with my lesson plans or have perhaps delivered a lesson that sort of flopped, I do feel guilty and responsible, and start to lead myself down a path of thinking in which I play a larger-than-life role in my students' success. So, as a teacher I think it's important not to de-emphasize the impact you can have on your students. 

Meanwhile, as of late I've found myself in the student role (a different kind of student, of course, in Bikram yoga class), feeling rather glum and disdainful of teachers that don't really inspire me. Yes, I can be an entitled student myself, which is part of the reason I really know how to deliver the goods as a teacher ;) 

So, GRANTED I believe that as a student, so long as you try your best you're absolutely fine, there's nothing wrong with fine-tuning our preferences for the good of society, right? Well luckily, that's what this post is about.

Now, thanks to the ever-reliable Bikram dialogue, the regulated series of postures, and the prescribed length of time spent in each pose, a Bikram yoga teacher can only suck so badly, (unlike other styles of yoga which have had me wanting to walk out of the room and demand my money back, or perhaps asking a homeless person off the street to come in and take over and see if they could do a better job.) Basically, all a Bikram style yoga teacher has to do is memorize the dialogue and deliver it at the correct speed, so that the class lasts an hour and a half. (This involves nine weeks of rigorous practice and training, which is sometimes hard to believe they've gone through, but anyway.)

Bikram designed the program so that the teachers, most of whom, in the grand scheme of things, really are beginners to yoga practice, can only add to the students' experience with their enthusiasm, particular advice or encouragement while one or many are struggling in a posture, sense of humour, etc., and not *necessarily* detract from it. What I mean by that is, you can make up your mind to come to class and try your hardest, to simply listen to the dialogue and follow it word for word, and not pay any attention at all to anything going on around you, and you will get all the benefits of the class.

However, as anyone who practices this yoga knows, and as I discussed in a previous post, it can take a great deal of motivation to bring yourself to class on a regular basis, and when you're going through a rough patch in your practice, it can seem altogether not worth it to keep attending. This is when fabulous teachers can make all the difference in the world. Despite what I said in the opening of this article, I really do feel sometimes like 10 classes with mediocre teachers in rooms that aren't hot/humid enough to really get sweaty are worth a single class with an excellent teacher! Am I contradicting myself? I'm not really sure. It could very well be. But one tends to realize the limits of language as one endures on their yogic journey, so please don't worry about the details and come along for the ride!

So, we all have different favourites in terms of teachers, of course (and this extends beyond the yoga classroom, to all modes of instruction and teaching, in all kinds of learning environments), but I'd like to explore a little bit about what I really like/dislike.

Excellent teachers:

*Are willing to make an emotional investment in the students in that room.

*Are naturally (or practiced) good public speakers.

*Make (a) intuitive, (b) constructive, and (c) specific corrections.

*Offer inspiring insights and advice based on their OWN experience and what they've learned as teachers. 

*Begin and end class on time.

*Don't try to berate attendees in manner of Bikram himself.

*Are impressive yogis themselves, especially those that came a long way, which is different for everybody. (When you watch teachers practice, they are all at different levels themselves, and some of the girls that have danced or done gymnastics their entire lives are obviously going to be a lot more flexible and fun to watch than a former athlete or couch potato who is male, and in his 40s, for instance. That's not what matters, right? What matters is that they really tried their best and came down a long road to get to where they are today. I really believe that's vital for any teacher.)

Final word: As far as I'm concerned, teaching a single Bikram yoga class should be considered an enormous feat! It's a big job, prescribed dialogue notwithstanding!

Mediocre teachers:

*Have a weak voice, tend to slur or eat their words, have poor annunciation, speak way too fast, or too quietly, do not speak English as a first language and have not worked on the pronunciation of key vocabulary in the dialogue (any combination of these aspects). I know this comes with practice, but I've got my fingers pointed at some teachers that have been around since the dawn of recorded history.

*Have a tendency to walk in like they own the place --> big ego fills the room.

*Have a weak practice. (How am I supposed to trust someone that isn't as committed to the practice as I am, as a student?!)

*Hold postures for inconsistent lengths of time on the right and left side, (or leave us hanging out on one side while they babble their nonsense) OR tend to race through postures that should be held for longer. Timing is important, and again, I know that it comes with practice. But the greenies are not who I'm targeting here.

*Merely deliver the dialogue, never straying, never adding. Bikram says this is absolutely fine. And it is, technically. But the title of this section is 'mediocre', and that is exactly what that is, in my opinion.

*Seem to offer bizarre advice that doesn't match the mood in the room and sounds more like something they thought would make them sound authoritative than something actually useful. For example, something like this: in Standing Head to Knee, sometimes there isn't a single person there that is able to kick out to the full expression, let alone get their head on their knee. So why go through a thirty second demonstration and explanation of final expression, head to knee. It's not useful to these students at this time in their practice. They can't even understand what you're talking about because they're not there yet! This isn't a performance.

**(That being said, I do feel demonstrations can be extremely helpful when offered in a timely fashion, and I can honestly say I would never have gotten triangle right if it weren't for a demo made by Danny D that was aimed specifically at my faulty towers version of the pose.)

At the end of the day, sometimes you just like a person or you don't, and there's no explanation why. Some people just get on my nerves, and I probably get on their nerves, too. All teachers will have people that don't like them, for whatever reason. That's life! And that's why we can choose from a variety of teachers, as some really do suit the individual better than others. Some can break some of these rules and get away with it, while others can't, and who has the final word on whether or not that's happened? Approximately no one.

That being said, I really feel like asking all the leagues of BY teachers precisely why they decided to become a Bikram yoga teacher. Why did you think YOU were fit for the job? Being "good at" yoga (which believe me, means different things to different people), and having the money and the time to go for the training process is not enough. Is it? I think teachers should be able to answer the question: what separates you from a voice on CD? Why don't we just pop on a CD of Bikram teaching the class and follow that for the next 90 minutes instead of you. Yes you're a human being, you're alive and you have vitality, and your mere presence in the room is motivation and guidance in its own right. OK. But do you really believe that cuts it? I would honestly expect that any teacher should be able to wax pure confidence and assuredness of their own value as an instructor if faced with this question or similar, or at least use it for self development. I know that many teachers are quite young and they have a long way to go. That's fine. We're all learning here.

I feel this way not only because yoga is really expensive and I am a paying customer, to put it crudely - but in addition to this, I am a person that believes that this yoga saves lives: I'm not exaggerating. I think being a teacher is a BIG responsibility, no matter what the discipline, but especially there, in that hot room, where health is in some cases being positively salvaged from the ruins. Yes, many people go to Bikram yoga because they think it's going to help them lose weight (yeah maybe, but not necessarily) or because they need to include some exercise in their lives and this is something they enjoy doing. But some people are mentally or physically in dire need of this practice in order to cope. In order to stay off poisonous, health-banishing medications, or to keep from having invasive surgeries that interfere with the natural functioning of their bodies. Yes, I've met people like this when I worked at the studio. And often these people are the ones that find it most difficult to keep coming to class, because it's painful and tiring, pricey, and unless you keep up that vital regular practice, the benefits start to drop off and the mind forgets how beneficial it really is. You start to tell yourself excuses. So these people need all the motivation they can get, right? :)

Just something to think about. 

Anyway, if you're a new or potential or struggling student, like I said, you don't need to worry, because the dialogue is such that teachers are given plenty of breathing room to grow and develop alongside the practitioner, not to mention as practitioners themselves. And, as I stated in my intro, your teacher is usually not as vital to your learning process as many students seem to think he or she is.

And now for one of my favorite BY quotes, (though whether it can be attributed to Bikram or if I'm mixing it up a bit I'm not sure!):

"Look into your own eyes in the mirror. You are looking at your one true teacher."

AWESOME!

Bikram yoga and other forms of Exercise

A woman in the change room at my new studio today (she was going into 12 pm class while I'd just done 10 am, my first am class in about 4 years), said she'd just gone for a 45 minute run. This really piqued my interest. Why? Well, as I've mentioned in a previous post, at an improved state of fitness, the yoga is starting to feel on some days like it's not quite enough, especially seeing as I cannot for the life of me seem to control my eating (Christmas does have something to do with this). Before the core Christmas season, which exhausted me, threw me off balance, and had me on a less rigorous schedule of exercise, I did do a couple of double classes, and also combined yoga with weights at the gym and/or swimming laps. When you have nothing else to do in life, this can be great! But throw in work, family, and holiday obligations, and it just gets to be too much. During the holidays, the BY was well enough, believe me. But now that we're all easing out of that period, I feel my energy levels beginning to rise again, and after pushing myself to the maximum throughout my last four classes in four days, I do feel like I could be incorporating something else into my life at this time.

However, I am also concerned about wearing oneself out, and my back has been "talking to me", so to speak - when I was a bit younger and doing the yoga, I didn't worry too much about injury, but now that I'm in my mid 30s I am very keen on protecting myself from any injury or straing whatsoever. At the same time, exercise is so important to my mental well-being and keeping my weight down, so the question of how much exercise is too much has become a daily ponderance (this is not a real word). Does a person really need this much exercise,and when might it be harmful?

I do believe that double classes are beneficial for several reasons - after the second class (for which you feel much more stretched out and flexible), you really can reach a new place of elation, both during the practice and afterwards. A new level of fatigue as well, but sometimes that's part of it. I have my own private theory that when you sweat out all your toxins in the first class of the day and go into the second one clean and fresh, you're somehow able to access more deeply stored poisons and hurts that you've been holding in the body. Knowing this, however, the idea of nine weeks of doubles (ie teacher training) completely blows my mind, and I would have to assume that many attendees feel compelled, physiologically, to pull back their practice and ease up somewhat at times, or perhaps during the entire period. I've read in the teacher training blogs about the pain and soreness (edging on injury?) people tend to feel during that time, and that it's often attributed to transformation occurring in the body. However, might it not be sheer excess of physical exertion? (I'd really want to talk to an expert about that before I ever subjected myself to such a rigorous agenda. Basically what I'm saying is that doubles here and there are totally great, but doubles six days a week for nine weeks is beyond my grasp at this time, and I am not knowledgeable enough to feel confident that this would not damage the body, especially in conjunction with the reported restricted sleep teachers in training are forced to endure, because MAN do I need my sleep when I have a regular practice. It feels vital!).

Moving on to other forms of exercise alongside Bikram style yoga, I get concerned that yoga isn't doing enough for my arms or other muscle groups, even though it supposedly is (I'm not educated enough in kinesthetics or human physiology to really know, I'm just a regular person looking for palpable results.) In addition to this, although I do think that although holding certain postures requires a great deal of strength and endurance so that your heart absolutely races throughout the class, (and for this reason it is rightly classified as cardiovascular/aerobic), I still feel that I need a regular degree of higher impact or plyometric action (ie jumping or running) as well as repeated movements - basically getting the heart pumping through motion - in my fitness routine. Producing sweat and an elevated heart rate like this several times a week (or even daily, especially during the warmer months) also gives you that feel good hormone, that precious sense of well-being. However, many advocates of yoga as well as the primal lifestyle say that all other forms of exercise, even in what some consider moderate levels, like being a jogger, eventually wear down the body, cause premature ageing, excessive and unnatural levels of hunger, and have other negative consequences. This is quite worrisome considering one of the main reasons people exercise in the first place is in order to promote better health. Not declining health! Of course, not everyone is an expert, and every body is different, but you grasp for educational tidbits where you can, and this is something I've heard expressed numerous times. This being said, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that some degree of this type of exercise is vital to a healthy body as it develops and then ages, so I guess the real question is how much. How much is too much, and how do you know when you've exceeded your limit?

At this point, I can't imagine going for a 45 minute jog and then diving straight into a 90 minute BY class. Well, I could imagine it, and I could probably do it, but I wouldn't want to because I feel it would really tire me out, and cause excessive eating and/or need for sleep later on in the day. I could probably do the jog in the morning and the yoga in the afternoon, with a meal and some rest in between. Does that mean the woman who spoke in the change-room is more physically fit than I am? Is she in better health? Is she going too far? Will this wear her body out in the end and even lead to a shunning of exercise altogether? For the record, she wasn't that young - she was at least approaching early middle age, I would guess. I really don't know the answers to these questions. I understand the simple logic behind the phrase, "do what feels right for your body", but as many health advocates have correctly pointed out, as is VERY obvious with the level of overweight, injury, and disease prevalent in our society and around the word, we often have no clue what feels right for our body.

I guess that can only mean that experimentation is in order. Experimentation that keeps me fit, allows me to progress with my own personal fitness regime, and does cause me any injury or wear and tear.
Right!

Motivation

Well, I'm now 22 classes into my return to Bikram yoga! 22 classes in about one month. That's very unshabby.

Motivation: I have come to realize that in the past, it truly took regular intervals of 30 day challenges to get me going to yoga consistently, which is a big part of the reason I didn't get the results I truly wanted. (This isn't to say I didn't get results - I still got amazing, lasting results going totally inconsistently as well as being utterly MIA for months at a time.)

I remember one class, though, a teacher (who seemed to be honing in on my style of attendance in particular, though she wasn't familiar with me as a practitioner) said that going every day or every other day in bursts, and then dropping out for days or weeks, wasn't as good as a consistent practice over the long term. I thought to myself, "she's right" - but I just couldn't find the motivation. I always lived near a studio, too - twice I've lived within a five minute walk of a studio, and I have so many memories of sitting on the couch with my yoga gear (outfit, towels, mat, water bottle) gathered up and ready to go, just dreading class, and wondering how on earth I was going to muster up the energy to go, to get through it.

I'd heard people say that half the battle of going to the gym was just getting there, and that once you were there you realized it wasn't so bad, and started to get happy about being there, and even enjoy yourself.

I'd heard people try to say that it was the same with BY.

Um....For a long time, I disagreed. Yes, just getting there was definitely a battle. No denying that. But half the battle? Uh, not really. An hour and a half of painful, uncomfortable, tiring, sometimes even boring, and seemingly never ending yoga was enough for a few battles, thank you very much. And then having to contend with a crowded change-room filled with hot, sweaty, loudly chatting females and a line up for the shower? There were many classes where just getting up from final resting pose, rolling up my mat, gathering my soaking wet towel and water bottle, and opening the door of the hot room to let myself out seemed like an impossible task. I would just lie there until the room was almost full again with people for the next class, and people were giving me worried looks. Once the teacher even came in and I was still lying there, feeling like I was going to die. (Anyway, this habit of mine developed partially out of post-class fatigue, and partially to avoid the shower line ups.)

But getting back on topic, the whole process of getting to and from a BY class can often well exceed two hours, so it's quite the commitment. Yes, the reward at the end of the class - the amazing, almost drug-high like feeling of well-being - was motivation enough to keep me going with a fairly steady practice for about three years, but just barely. There were many times throughout my practice at other studios, with other styles of yoga, (during my long absence), that I thought, "I will probably never go back to Bikram's. It was just too much effort." I loved going to hour long classes that didn't necessitate showers afterwards. I loved knowing that I could just chill out in an easy class.

If any of what I described sounds familiar to you, worry not, because there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.

I can say in all honestly that BY is so much more do-able now that I'm stronger, in better shape, healthier, don't drink alcohol, more flexible, and convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt of its amazing health benefits. I feel like my level of motivation has undergone a complete transformation. I really understand what people mean when they say, "It never gets easier. But it gets better." That is so true. Even at my advancing level of practice - no longer a beginner, more of an intermediate student - it would be incorrect to say that the yoga is any 'easier' because that would mean I wasn't trying my best. The main difference now is that it's no longer "torturous". Whereas before, just doing every posture and staying in the postures for the prescribed amount of time was often the absolute most I could possibly do, and even then, I couldn't even do THAT. For every class that I could hold Standing Bow on a single side for the full sixty seconds, for instance, there were a dozen where, not only could I hold it, there was just no way that I could fight the dizziness and get back in once I'd fallen out. I was one of those people that was just standing there like a fool during Standing Bow. Now that I can actually hold that posture for the full length time on both sides, rarely falling out, (and when I do, I'm more than able to get back in straight away, actually I make that a priority), I am working very deeply at kicking up harder, on my way to some approximation of the ever-elusive standing splits.

So yeah, it is not really easier for me now - in fact, what I'm doing is harder work. But, I'm up for the challenge. The challenge is exciting, invigorating, inviting. This is an example of what I mean. Standing Bow, for instance, is a much more interesting challenge for me now that I can actually do it, and that means a lot in terms of motivation.

I did something else which I believed has also affected my motivation in a big way: A few weeks ago, when I was just getting back into the practice, I was starting to falter with motivation, as I always had. I had had a long day at work, and I wanted to stay in bed and watch a movie on Netflix. Also, I was hungry, possibly too hungry to do class without eating first, but it was too late to eat. Then I thought about how much water I'd drunk that day, and thought to myself that it wasn't nearly enough. I went through the mental process of convincing myself that it would be reasonable to skip class that day.

Suddenly, something snapped in me and I realized how unhappy and unfulfilled I would feel the next morning if I didn't go, so without even allowing myself to contemplate the issue for another second, I hastily gathered my stuff together and literally ran to the studio. I had an amazing class, and of course on the walk home I was just thanking myself mentally for having that moment, which resulted in the motivation I needed to get to class. When I got home, I took out a few markers and wrote myself a big colorful sign. On it, I described how good I felt, and at the same time I recalled how very much I didn't want to go earlier in the day. Then I wrote a very kind message, pleading with myself to only skip class for a truly legitimate reason, and never out of sheer laziness, lack of motivation, etc. I really leveled with myself on paper. Then I taped the colorful sign to the wall beside my bed.

Well, I think it worked!

Anyway, the main purpose of this post is to convince you that if you truly love this practice, but struggle with the motivation to go for any reason, it IS possible to overcome your reluctance. And ... you will see results in your strength, the more you go, even if it takes a long time.

I'm Back!

Even though you'll find 28 entries prior to this one, I'd like to take this opportunity to say, "welcome to my blog!" (if you've just stumbled upon it), and introduce myself: who I was, and who I've become, along my Bikram yoga-themed journey in life. I haven't written in this blog in about four years, but I've recently returned to my yoga practice, and I'm keen to write about it. Read on!

My name is Adriana, and I am 34 years old. I began practicing BY in mid March, 2006, at a time in my life when I was feeling stressed out, depressed, unfulfilled, tired, and scared (plus more negative feelings but you get the idea). I was 27 at that time, and had not done a whole lot of regular physical activity beyond walking, sporadic bouts of aerobics, Tae Bo and Pilates on videotape, the occasional jog, and some studio yoga classes. I had done a bit of team sports during high school, but really nothing major, and was not known by anyone to be "athletic." (Far from it, people.)

But I had dabbled when it came to exercise, one might say, and I always sort of knew I had some natural ability, some untapped potential. I'd never been a key player on any teams at school, so when I randomly decided at 14 to give it my all during distance running for the first time in my life, and actually placed, my PE teacher was very surprised. I realized then that I had pretty good endurance. I always remembered that amazing feeling I got after completing a run, and though I tried going for runs here and there, I was never able to push myself to that place where I could do this on a regular basis. No motivation. During my teens I spent most of my time sitting around, going to parties or just chatting for hours with my friends, drawing, playing video games, on my own with my nose in a book. I was aware that people performed exercise for health and recreation, but it just wasn't my thing when I was young. I wanted nothing to do with the athletic kids.

Moving on to food, truth be told this has been an issue in my life since about the age of 11, when I became preoccupied with body image, and still, unfortunately, am to this day. I was very skinny as a kid and throughout puberty, but during my teens I put on a bit of weight - looking back I was probably around the same size as I am now, actually, but in your teens and twenties everyone wants to be significantly underweight, including me.

I'd always tried to be as health-conscious as I possibly could while leading a party girl lifestyle, having gone vegetarian at the age of 20 in an effort to heal the world and lose weight, but I was always getting reeled in by veggie junk food like pizza, fries, and pasta dishes. (Despite constantly being on some kind of ridiculous diet I am really a foodie and prone to shiver and shake and even wail like an addict if deprived of high carb delights.) I also used to drink a fair amount of alcohol and smoked cigarettes (not a lot, but about 5 to 10 a week) at that time - looking back, I thought I was OK, but I was a bit of a mess. From the age of 22 onwards, I was always about 10-30 pounds overweight, depending on whether I'd managed to drop a few through my various crash dieting methods, and also what one considers to be overweight. I hovered between about 140 and 160, at 5'6. When I began BY, I had been inching for several years towards the high end and not at all happy with my body.

However, weight loss wasn't the primary motivation that brought me to the practice - from the week before I turned 27 until at least a year into the practice, with twinges of pain before and after, I suffered from all kinds of issues with pain in my abdomen. First it would be my lower right pelvis, then it would be just to the left of my belly button, then in would be general abdominal cramps, then it would be lower backache - always something different, at varying levels of severity. I also got recurring bladder infections, which may or may not have been connected to the pain and discomfort I seemed to always be in, but in any case they were an issue. I definitely had some sleepless nights and more than a few tears. It's hard to talk about. In addition, my periods were a nightmare, and had been for many years. Straight up: I didn't feel good, almost ever. I certainly didn't feel as good as I do now, which is why it really burns me up when I hear people talking about their age-related declining health and sense of well-being. I'm sorry, but that's bullshit.

Anyway, the first day I walked into the studio, I read a sign on the front door. It said, "You're never too old, never too bad, it's never too late, and you're never too sick to start again from scratch." I'll never forget the way I felt when I read that sign: tingly, like it was a special message delivered straight to me from the heaves. I was instantly convinced of its veracity, before I'd even had my first class, and that unshakeable faith has never left me. I can be both depressingly skeptical and naively gullible, and although both tendencies sort of annoy me, at the very least I believe logically in the placebo effect, so I'm extremely glad that I had this experience.

BY began its work on my body right away, and I was pain free within a year. As it has done for so many, BY truly changed the quality of my life and my level of physical endurance. If you've ever practiced regularly and claimed to love it, you know what I'm talking about. The increased sense of well-being, the aches and pains disappearing, (only to be replaced by good, athletic soreness that comes with working and stretching your body), the toning of the muscles, the euphoric feeling during final savasana, and a sense of purpose that you never had before. I even felt myself developing spiritually, even though many say that BY is strictly a physical practice and if you're looking for something more esoteric, to try something else (I disagree, but that's another topic). It was all wonderful, and although my practice wavered somewhat, with weeks of even a couple months going by during which I did not practice, I kept it fairly consistent for the next three years, and completed several 30 day challenges.

Just over four years ago, in the summer of 2008, after letting my practice drop off somewhat, I went back at it full-force. From June or so to the beginning of August (the height of summer, I might add) I practiced every other day, until I began my first 60 day challenge that month. I was at Day 43 of the challenge on my 30th birthday, the 26th of September, and I felt really great. I remember telling people at the studio that it was my birthday, and people were guessing my age - everyone guessed between 20 and 25. And that was without make up, of course, with my hair a mess and dripping with post BY sweat. Actually, maybe that is what made me appear younger somehow - Anyway, it was a good memory, needless to say. Also, I had my eyes checked out that day for the first time in many years, and the woman who did my eye exam said that my eyes were in excellent health, whatever that means. That's probably quite a usual thing, but on my thirtieth birthday I was feeling rather vulnerable to the effects of time, so I was happy to hear that I looked young for my age and had healthy eyes!

Although I'd began the challenge feeling great physically (after a period of alternating one day on, one day off, for a while before the challenge started), around the time of my birthday week, I started to feel peculiarly crappy, and totally sick of doing yoga every single day. I know now from talking to people and reading blogs that this is pretty normal, and not necessarily a sign that your body needs a break from the yoga. Looking back, I see that perhaps it was merely a sign that I was letting myself get dehydrated, not getting enough rest, not always making the best food choices, and continuing to drink socially (which some people can get away with, but I have a tendency toward going overboard). I wasn't doing anything terrible like going on major benders or sitting around eating giant bags of funyuns, but I wasn't observing the vigilant self care outside the hot room that is mandatory for someone going through a 60 day challenge (if they truly want to succeed). I think it's also important to understand that your body is going through good changes during such an intense yoga routine that can sometimes get lost in translation, and misinterpreted by your mind as a dangerous situation. Maybe there was some cleansing going on as well - all I know is that I began to feel like crap: fatigued, in pain, and completely unmotivated, and classes started getting impossible to enjoy or perform well. That combined with the fact that I hadn't lost an ounce during this time (when, admittedly, weight loss was one of my goals) and my momentum plummeted - I dropped out of the challenge around Day 50.

Then, over the course of the next four years, I probably practiced under 20 times, and never that consistently. I would go to three or four classes over two weeks here and there, and then just drop off again. BY was always on my mind, and whenever it came up, like when people asked me if I was still practicing, I would make up excuses for not coming back. Believe me, I know every excuse:
- with the 90 minute practice, showering, and getting to the studio and back, it just takes up too much time.
- it's boring always practicing the same 26 postures - I like the mix at other studios.
- BY teachers are too annoying and self-righteous.
- the studio has too much of a gym feel. Everyone talks so loud. I want a more peaceful atmosphere at a yoga studio.
- I went to hundreds of classes and I still suck at the practice.
- I went to hundreds of classes and didn't lose any weight.
- It's too expensive.
- It takes too much mental effort to pump myself up for Bikram yoga. I got stressed out dreading class, which was something I was paying good money for and wanting to enjoy.

Thus, I began experimenting with different forms of exercise. BY allowed me to prove to myself that I had the endurance, I could achieve a certain level of fitness, and exercise could actually be very enjoyable and beneficial. I also continued to explore other styles of yoga, and at 31, I did a five week intensive yoga retreat in Mexico. I also began including animal products in my diet on and off, just to see how that felt, to see how my body reacted to that, and to see if I could remedy a consistent feeling of deprivation I had as a carbs-addicted vegetarian. It took me a lot of trial and error, and I do eat differently according to the season, how much physical activity I'm engaging in, and what else is going on in my life, but I think I have finally found a system of eating that works for me, and I'm slowly coming to terms with food. I also change what I eat and the way I eat depending on different factors: the time of year and how physically active I happen to be at that time, which makes sense to me now.

A few years ago I started riding a bike everywhere, and started including physical activity at every turn - I basically just made the decision that I wanted to be healthy, physically fit, and slim - for real, and for good. And guess what? I succeeded. My drive sent me on a path of wellness that has resulted in an above-average level of fitness and the solid weight loss I'd been trying to achieve since I was a few years out of high school. Actually, I don't even think my body's finished yet, because even after all this time, I am still losing weight. (When I returned to BY about a month ago, I was 30 pounds lighter than I was when I began in 2006, and quite fit.) This year alone, I've cycled hundreds of km, finally learned how to swim and play tennis properly, lifted weights for the first time ever, started doing HIIT workouts, hiked, squatted, pushed up, done endless pilates - really any kind of physical activity that occurs to me or presents itself to me, I do. I can't live without exercise. It's vital.

I eat very healthfully and in small quantities (more about my dietary choices later - that is a blog post, or whole other blog, on its own!), make adequate sleep a top priority, and have found ways of managing my stress. I rarely drink alcohol, I don't smoke anything, and I have projects of all kinds on the go.

On to the crux of this introductory post: Although a regular practice has not been part of my life during this health transformation, the solid three year practice I had prior to making the change was absolutely crucial to my success. No doubt about it. And now that I have returned, at this size, (which is key, and I think it is the same with gymnastics - the lighter you are, the more you can do, the better you can balance), at this level of fitness, in this state of mind, Bikram yoga is totally a different experience than it ever was before.

In only 15 classes, I have been able to take my practice to new levels I'd never thought possible - it's been amazing beyond description, although I'm going to try. For one thing, I can tell you what it really means to lock your knee "Rock - solid, lamppost, like you've got no knee". Oh, I thought I was locking my knee, and I mean, I was, for about ten seconds at at time here and there, using immense concentration and maximum, unsustainable effort, while unnecessarily tightening up muscles in every part of my body even though that's exactly what you're not supposed to do, and completely exhausting myself in the process! Wow. I can't believe how long it's taken, but I do feel like I've done the grunt-work and that locking my knee out for extended periods is now something my body is truly capable of. It's really an accomplishment.

Thus, I can now do the full expression of Standing Head-to-Knee - though only on my left side - which had always been, hands-down, the most difficult pose for me, and one I thought that I would never be able to do fully. This is a freaking unbelievable feat for me in terms of being a blossoming yogini. I know some limber pixies who could do it their first month of class, and that is great for them, but I was no graceful swan when I first stumbled into the hot room. I hadn't danced. I hadn't done gymnastics (well I had, for about a year, and I was considered one of the least flexible girls). I was just not an athletic girl. I ate too much, sat around too much, drank too much, weighed too much, had considerable health issues, and concentrated very, very hard on all of my problems for the majority of the day, every day. THAT was who walked into the hot room on that fateful day back in March of 2006.

*This is really why you can't judge another practitioner, ever, because you truly don't know where they started. I'll never forget when awesome Van teacher Dale said, "Maybe you started at zero, and you got to where you are today from that point. You don't know about the person beside you. They might have started at negative 400, and they're still on their way to zero. For some people, just getting to zero is the battle of a lifetime." Wow, what profound words those were for me. Sometimes a teacher says something that really knocks you off your feet and provides you with endless inspiration. It's been years, Dale, but I haven't forgotten that quote. Thank you!

Moving along, I really can't express in this already way too long post just how much my practice has changed. I thought at this point I would still be re-adjusting to going back to the yoga. No: the body remembers, and it returns with renewed strength and energy. I am struggling slightly with my flexibility and if there's one area that is lacking in my practice, it is that, as there were points in the past where I was more flexible than I am now, but this setback is not major, and actually, it allows me to realize that where I thought flexibility was absolutely key to a yoga practice, it really is just one element, and must be balanced by physical and mental strength, as well as endurance.

Another major improvement is that I haven't felt l like I was about to keel over and die in class, which - sorry to say if you're a beginner - truly was how I felt for at least 30% of my classes during the first year. The first few years. Yikes! Now I'm still not sure but I am starting to think that teachers are taking more liberties with temperature adjustment, turning on the fans and turning off the humidifier, things like that, to make the room more bearable. Anyway, I am just generally feeling so good during class that I can actually listen to the dialogue and follow it, and with each practice, I learn things about the correct ways to do the postures that I cannot believe I didn't know before. Like the proper grip for Rabbit. And the breathing. And the sit-up. I didn't know that I hadn't been listening to the dialogue before. I thought I knew it like the Lord's Prayer. Um, no! I had been fighting for my life in there, delirious, just keeping my head above water.

Well, with my new and improved practice (and body) I feel like I've uncovered a hidden treasure, and I'm so excited to share it with other Bikram enthusiasts, especially those of you that want to lose weight, have health issues, motivation issues, or just don't believe that your body can and will change into that of a fit, limber yogi.

IT CAN! And for the record, I still have a really long way to go.

Stay tuned :)

Best Class

I was saying to my sister that this challenge is proof that mentality means so much when it comes to strength. On previous challenges (30 days) I was really hurting by the last week, with fatigue, lack of motivation, anger, mysterious random pains in my body that felt like they might be injuries, etc. Now it's Day 24 and I'm fine, but I know it's partially because this is a 60 day challenge and I've just surrendered. It's like how sometimes a one hour flight or drive can feel longer than a 4 hour journey, because you mentally prepare yourself when you know you're really in it for the long haul and that is an important step. I'd also like to mention that this is the longest I've ever gone consecutively because I always skipped a few days here and there and did doubles (which actually made the challenge more difficult overall, especially because I usually skipped classes when I'd drank alcohol the night before and I would have been far better sweating that out the next day.) This has been a good challenge so far.

I had a really good class today. I am a bit overtired and I had nightmares last night for some reason, but I managed to go in with a good attitude and I felt very strong. I have been concentrating most classes on staying still between the postures and coming out of postures very slowly. I never used to care about that stuff for the most part, my mentality was like "all I can possibly do is make it here, you can't expect any more from me than that." Now I make it a point to continually ask myself if I'm trying my 100% honest best and it's made a really big difference for me. I've heard plenty of people say that that's when their practice really changed, when they started giving 100%, but I still felt it didn't apply to me - it was just one of those things like "yeah, well I also can't stick to 1500 calories a day or avoid alcohol or be a complete saint like you and I'm not going to apologize for it because at least I'm trying here." But I guess you hear things properly when you're ready for them, you make that change when you're ready. I still have a lot of room to grow, of course, but I went into this with the mentality that I was going to turn my practice around and that is what I'm doing.

Meanwhile, my schedule at work has changed and I'm considering aiming for 6am classes during the week. I don't know if this is really what I want to do or even can do seeing as I'm a night owl and I suffer from insomnia - I can't see myself asleep in bed by 10 every night...but it's a maybe nonetheless. Even though classes are more difficult in the morning, I don't feel like I stretched as well because the muscles are so tight, I still feel you're better off going to bed early and practicing first thing. It's the traditional way I'm told, not that we're ultra-traditional around here ;) Night!

Day 19 -- WAHHHH!

Class starts in 16 minutes. (Don't worry, I live within two minutes walking distance from my studio, which is how I got hooked on this yoga in the first place.)

I don't want to go to class. I'm still tired from yesterday's class! I ate an egg salad sandwich at 5pm and I still feel really full off it. I also had a cracker with goat's cheese from a platter in the staff room at 5 to 6; what was I thinking? I haven't drank enough water today and I am sooo unmotivated.

I can't believe I'll only be a third of the way through the challenge tomorrow...Can I really do this?!

I fantasized about skipping class today although I have absolutely no good reason to do so, and doing a double somewhere down the road. I would pay any money to stay home tonight and watch episode after episode of Dexter. Wouldn't that be the life? Should I rest for another hour and go to class at 8:15? I'd have time for a single episode...no, I need to go. I worked my butt off the last three classes yet I couldn't fall asleep last night and I felt exhausted this morning, and the first day back after long weekends is never very fun for me (or anyone, I suppose)...

AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gotta go now =*(