Motivation

Well, I'm now 22 classes into my return to Bikram yoga! 22 classes in about one month. That's very unshabby.

Motivation: I have come to realize that in the past, it truly took regular intervals of 30 day challenges to get me going to yoga consistently, which is a big part of the reason I didn't get the results I truly wanted. (This isn't to say I didn't get results - I still got amazing, lasting results going totally inconsistently as well as being utterly MIA for months at a time.)

I remember one class, though, a teacher (who seemed to be honing in on my style of attendance in particular, though she wasn't familiar with me as a practitioner) said that going every day or every other day in bursts, and then dropping out for days or weeks, wasn't as good as a consistent practice over the long term. I thought to myself, "she's right" - but I just couldn't find the motivation. I always lived near a studio, too - twice I've lived within a five minute walk of a studio, and I have so many memories of sitting on the couch with my yoga gear (outfit, towels, mat, water bottle) gathered up and ready to go, just dreading class, and wondering how on earth I was going to muster up the energy to go, to get through it.

I'd heard people say that half the battle of going to the gym was just getting there, and that once you were there you realized it wasn't so bad, and started to get happy about being there, and even enjoy yourself.

I'd heard people try to say that it was the same with BY.

Um....For a long time, I disagreed. Yes, just getting there was definitely a battle. No denying that. But half the battle? Uh, not really. An hour and a half of painful, uncomfortable, tiring, sometimes even boring, and seemingly never ending yoga was enough for a few battles, thank you very much. And then having to contend with a crowded change-room filled with hot, sweaty, loudly chatting females and a line up for the shower? There were many classes where just getting up from final resting pose, rolling up my mat, gathering my soaking wet towel and water bottle, and opening the door of the hot room to let myself out seemed like an impossible task. I would just lie there until the room was almost full again with people for the next class, and people were giving me worried looks. Once the teacher even came in and I was still lying there, feeling like I was going to die. (Anyway, this habit of mine developed partially out of post-class fatigue, and partially to avoid the shower line ups.)

But getting back on topic, the whole process of getting to and from a BY class can often well exceed two hours, so it's quite the commitment. Yes, the reward at the end of the class - the amazing, almost drug-high like feeling of well-being - was motivation enough to keep me going with a fairly steady practice for about three years, but just barely. There were many times throughout my practice at other studios, with other styles of yoga, (during my long absence), that I thought, "I will probably never go back to Bikram's. It was just too much effort." I loved going to hour long classes that didn't necessitate showers afterwards. I loved knowing that I could just chill out in an easy class.

If any of what I described sounds familiar to you, worry not, because there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.

I can say in all honestly that BY is so much more do-able now that I'm stronger, in better shape, healthier, don't drink alcohol, more flexible, and convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt of its amazing health benefits. I feel like my level of motivation has undergone a complete transformation. I really understand what people mean when they say, "It never gets easier. But it gets better." That is so true. Even at my advancing level of practice - no longer a beginner, more of an intermediate student - it would be incorrect to say that the yoga is any 'easier' because that would mean I wasn't trying my best. The main difference now is that it's no longer "torturous". Whereas before, just doing every posture and staying in the postures for the prescribed amount of time was often the absolute most I could possibly do, and even then, I couldn't even do THAT. For every class that I could hold Standing Bow on a single side for the full sixty seconds, for instance, there were a dozen where, not only could I hold it, there was just no way that I could fight the dizziness and get back in once I'd fallen out. I was one of those people that was just standing there like a fool during Standing Bow. Now that I can actually hold that posture for the full length time on both sides, rarely falling out, (and when I do, I'm more than able to get back in straight away, actually I make that a priority), I am working very deeply at kicking up harder, on my way to some approximation of the ever-elusive standing splits.

So yeah, it is not really easier for me now - in fact, what I'm doing is harder work. But, I'm up for the challenge. The challenge is exciting, invigorating, inviting. This is an example of what I mean. Standing Bow, for instance, is a much more interesting challenge for me now that I can actually do it, and that means a lot in terms of motivation.

I did something else which I believed has also affected my motivation in a big way: A few weeks ago, when I was just getting back into the practice, I was starting to falter with motivation, as I always had. I had had a long day at work, and I wanted to stay in bed and watch a movie on Netflix. Also, I was hungry, possibly too hungry to do class without eating first, but it was too late to eat. Then I thought about how much water I'd drunk that day, and thought to myself that it wasn't nearly enough. I went through the mental process of convincing myself that it would be reasonable to skip class that day.

Suddenly, something snapped in me and I realized how unhappy and unfulfilled I would feel the next morning if I didn't go, so without even allowing myself to contemplate the issue for another second, I hastily gathered my stuff together and literally ran to the studio. I had an amazing class, and of course on the walk home I was just thanking myself mentally for having that moment, which resulted in the motivation I needed to get to class. When I got home, I took out a few markers and wrote myself a big colorful sign. On it, I described how good I felt, and at the same time I recalled how very much I didn't want to go earlier in the day. Then I wrote a very kind message, pleading with myself to only skip class for a truly legitimate reason, and never out of sheer laziness, lack of motivation, etc. I really leveled with myself on paper. Then I taped the colorful sign to the wall beside my bed.

Well, I think it worked!

Anyway, the main purpose of this post is to convince you that if you truly love this practice, but struggle with the motivation to go for any reason, it IS possible to overcome your reluctance. And ... you will see results in your strength, the more you go, even if it takes a long time.

I'm Back!

Even though you'll find 28 entries prior to this one, I'd like to take this opportunity to say, "welcome to my blog!" (if you've just stumbled upon it), and introduce myself: who I was, and who I've become, along my Bikram yoga-themed journey in life. I haven't written in this blog in about four years, but I've recently returned to my yoga practice, and I'm keen to write about it. Read on!

My name is Adriana, and I am 34 years old. I began practicing BY in mid March, 2006, at a time in my life when I was feeling stressed out, depressed, unfulfilled, tired, and scared (plus more negative feelings but you get the idea). I was 27 at that time, and had not done a whole lot of regular physical activity beyond walking, sporadic bouts of aerobics, Tae Bo and Pilates on videotape, the occasional jog, and some studio yoga classes. I had done a bit of team sports during high school, but really nothing major, and was not known by anyone to be "athletic." (Far from it, people.)

But I had dabbled when it came to exercise, one might say, and I always sort of knew I had some natural ability, some untapped potential. I'd never been a key player on any teams at school, so when I randomly decided at 14 to give it my all during distance running for the first time in my life, and actually placed, my PE teacher was very surprised. I realized then that I had pretty good endurance. I always remembered that amazing feeling I got after completing a run, and though I tried going for runs here and there, I was never able to push myself to that place where I could do this on a regular basis. No motivation. During my teens I spent most of my time sitting around, going to parties or just chatting for hours with my friends, drawing, playing video games, on my own with my nose in a book. I was aware that people performed exercise for health and recreation, but it just wasn't my thing when I was young. I wanted nothing to do with the athletic kids.

Moving on to food, truth be told this has been an issue in my life since about the age of 11, when I became preoccupied with body image, and still, unfortunately, am to this day. I was very skinny as a kid and throughout puberty, but during my teens I put on a bit of weight - looking back I was probably around the same size as I am now, actually, but in your teens and twenties everyone wants to be significantly underweight, including me.

I'd always tried to be as health-conscious as I possibly could while leading a party girl lifestyle, having gone vegetarian at the age of 20 in an effort to heal the world and lose weight, but I was always getting reeled in by veggie junk food like pizza, fries, and pasta dishes. (Despite constantly being on some kind of ridiculous diet I am really a foodie and prone to shiver and shake and even wail like an addict if deprived of high carb delights.) I also used to drink a fair amount of alcohol and smoked cigarettes (not a lot, but about 5 to 10 a week) at that time - looking back, I thought I was OK, but I was a bit of a mess. From the age of 22 onwards, I was always about 10-30 pounds overweight, depending on whether I'd managed to drop a few through my various crash dieting methods, and also what one considers to be overweight. I hovered between about 140 and 160, at 5'6. When I began BY, I had been inching for several years towards the high end and not at all happy with my body.

However, weight loss wasn't the primary motivation that brought me to the practice - from the week before I turned 27 until at least a year into the practice, with twinges of pain before and after, I suffered from all kinds of issues with pain in my abdomen. First it would be my lower right pelvis, then it would be just to the left of my belly button, then in would be general abdominal cramps, then it would be lower backache - always something different, at varying levels of severity. I also got recurring bladder infections, which may or may not have been connected to the pain and discomfort I seemed to always be in, but in any case they were an issue. I definitely had some sleepless nights and more than a few tears. It's hard to talk about. In addition, my periods were a nightmare, and had been for many years. Straight up: I didn't feel good, almost ever. I certainly didn't feel as good as I do now, which is why it really burns me up when I hear people talking about their age-related declining health and sense of well-being. I'm sorry, but that's bullshit.

Anyway, the first day I walked into the studio, I read a sign on the front door. It said, "You're never too old, never too bad, it's never too late, and you're never too sick to start again from scratch." I'll never forget the way I felt when I read that sign: tingly, like it was a special message delivered straight to me from the heaves. I was instantly convinced of its veracity, before I'd even had my first class, and that unshakeable faith has never left me. I can be both depressingly skeptical and naively gullible, and although both tendencies sort of annoy me, at the very least I believe logically in the placebo effect, so I'm extremely glad that I had this experience.

BY began its work on my body right away, and I was pain free within a year. As it has done for so many, BY truly changed the quality of my life and my level of physical endurance. If you've ever practiced regularly and claimed to love it, you know what I'm talking about. The increased sense of well-being, the aches and pains disappearing, (only to be replaced by good, athletic soreness that comes with working and stretching your body), the toning of the muscles, the euphoric feeling during final savasana, and a sense of purpose that you never had before. I even felt myself developing spiritually, even though many say that BY is strictly a physical practice and if you're looking for something more esoteric, to try something else (I disagree, but that's another topic). It was all wonderful, and although my practice wavered somewhat, with weeks of even a couple months going by during which I did not practice, I kept it fairly consistent for the next three years, and completed several 30 day challenges.

Just over four years ago, in the summer of 2008, after letting my practice drop off somewhat, I went back at it full-force. From June or so to the beginning of August (the height of summer, I might add) I practiced every other day, until I began my first 60 day challenge that month. I was at Day 43 of the challenge on my 30th birthday, the 26th of September, and I felt really great. I remember telling people at the studio that it was my birthday, and people were guessing my age - everyone guessed between 20 and 25. And that was without make up, of course, with my hair a mess and dripping with post BY sweat. Actually, maybe that is what made me appear younger somehow - Anyway, it was a good memory, needless to say. Also, I had my eyes checked out that day for the first time in many years, and the woman who did my eye exam said that my eyes were in excellent health, whatever that means. That's probably quite a usual thing, but on my thirtieth birthday I was feeling rather vulnerable to the effects of time, so I was happy to hear that I looked young for my age and had healthy eyes!

Although I'd began the challenge feeling great physically (after a period of alternating one day on, one day off, for a while before the challenge started), around the time of my birthday week, I started to feel peculiarly crappy, and totally sick of doing yoga every single day. I know now from talking to people and reading blogs that this is pretty normal, and not necessarily a sign that your body needs a break from the yoga. Looking back, I see that perhaps it was merely a sign that I was letting myself get dehydrated, not getting enough rest, not always making the best food choices, and continuing to drink socially (which some people can get away with, but I have a tendency toward going overboard). I wasn't doing anything terrible like going on major benders or sitting around eating giant bags of funyuns, but I wasn't observing the vigilant self care outside the hot room that is mandatory for someone going through a 60 day challenge (if they truly want to succeed). I think it's also important to understand that your body is going through good changes during such an intense yoga routine that can sometimes get lost in translation, and misinterpreted by your mind as a dangerous situation. Maybe there was some cleansing going on as well - all I know is that I began to feel like crap: fatigued, in pain, and completely unmotivated, and classes started getting impossible to enjoy or perform well. That combined with the fact that I hadn't lost an ounce during this time (when, admittedly, weight loss was one of my goals) and my momentum plummeted - I dropped out of the challenge around Day 50.

Then, over the course of the next four years, I probably practiced under 20 times, and never that consistently. I would go to three or four classes over two weeks here and there, and then just drop off again. BY was always on my mind, and whenever it came up, like when people asked me if I was still practicing, I would make up excuses for not coming back. Believe me, I know every excuse:
- with the 90 minute practice, showering, and getting to the studio and back, it just takes up too much time.
- it's boring always practicing the same 26 postures - I like the mix at other studios.
- BY teachers are too annoying and self-righteous.
- the studio has too much of a gym feel. Everyone talks so loud. I want a more peaceful atmosphere at a yoga studio.
- I went to hundreds of classes and I still suck at the practice.
- I went to hundreds of classes and didn't lose any weight.
- It's too expensive.
- It takes too much mental effort to pump myself up for Bikram yoga. I got stressed out dreading class, which was something I was paying good money for and wanting to enjoy.

Thus, I began experimenting with different forms of exercise. BY allowed me to prove to myself that I had the endurance, I could achieve a certain level of fitness, and exercise could actually be very enjoyable and beneficial. I also continued to explore other styles of yoga, and at 31, I did a five week intensive yoga retreat in Mexico. I also began including animal products in my diet on and off, just to see how that felt, to see how my body reacted to that, and to see if I could remedy a consistent feeling of deprivation I had as a carbs-addicted vegetarian. It took me a lot of trial and error, and I do eat differently according to the season, how much physical activity I'm engaging in, and what else is going on in my life, but I think I have finally found a system of eating that works for me, and I'm slowly coming to terms with food. I also change what I eat and the way I eat depending on different factors: the time of year and how physically active I happen to be at that time, which makes sense to me now.

A few years ago I started riding a bike everywhere, and started including physical activity at every turn - I basically just made the decision that I wanted to be healthy, physically fit, and slim - for real, and for good. And guess what? I succeeded. My drive sent me on a path of wellness that has resulted in an above-average level of fitness and the solid weight loss I'd been trying to achieve since I was a few years out of high school. Actually, I don't even think my body's finished yet, because even after all this time, I am still losing weight. (When I returned to BY about a month ago, I was 30 pounds lighter than I was when I began in 2006, and quite fit.) This year alone, I've cycled hundreds of km, finally learned how to swim and play tennis properly, lifted weights for the first time ever, started doing HIIT workouts, hiked, squatted, pushed up, done endless pilates - really any kind of physical activity that occurs to me or presents itself to me, I do. I can't live without exercise. It's vital.

I eat very healthfully and in small quantities (more about my dietary choices later - that is a blog post, or whole other blog, on its own!), make adequate sleep a top priority, and have found ways of managing my stress. I rarely drink alcohol, I don't smoke anything, and I have projects of all kinds on the go.

On to the crux of this introductory post: Although a regular practice has not been part of my life during this health transformation, the solid three year practice I had prior to making the change was absolutely crucial to my success. No doubt about it. And now that I have returned, at this size, (which is key, and I think it is the same with gymnastics - the lighter you are, the more you can do, the better you can balance), at this level of fitness, in this state of mind, Bikram yoga is totally a different experience than it ever was before.

In only 15 classes, I have been able to take my practice to new levels I'd never thought possible - it's been amazing beyond description, although I'm going to try. For one thing, I can tell you what it really means to lock your knee "Rock - solid, lamppost, like you've got no knee". Oh, I thought I was locking my knee, and I mean, I was, for about ten seconds at at time here and there, using immense concentration and maximum, unsustainable effort, while unnecessarily tightening up muscles in every part of my body even though that's exactly what you're not supposed to do, and completely exhausting myself in the process! Wow. I can't believe how long it's taken, but I do feel like I've done the grunt-work and that locking my knee out for extended periods is now something my body is truly capable of. It's really an accomplishment.

Thus, I can now do the full expression of Standing Head-to-Knee - though only on my left side - which had always been, hands-down, the most difficult pose for me, and one I thought that I would never be able to do fully. This is a freaking unbelievable feat for me in terms of being a blossoming yogini. I know some limber pixies who could do it their first month of class, and that is great for them, but I was no graceful swan when I first stumbled into the hot room. I hadn't danced. I hadn't done gymnastics (well I had, for about a year, and I was considered one of the least flexible girls). I was just not an athletic girl. I ate too much, sat around too much, drank too much, weighed too much, had considerable health issues, and concentrated very, very hard on all of my problems for the majority of the day, every day. THAT was who walked into the hot room on that fateful day back in March of 2006.

*This is really why you can't judge another practitioner, ever, because you truly don't know where they started. I'll never forget when awesome Van teacher Dale said, "Maybe you started at zero, and you got to where you are today from that point. You don't know about the person beside you. They might have started at negative 400, and they're still on their way to zero. For some people, just getting to zero is the battle of a lifetime." Wow, what profound words those were for me. Sometimes a teacher says something that really knocks you off your feet and provides you with endless inspiration. It's been years, Dale, but I haven't forgotten that quote. Thank you!

Moving along, I really can't express in this already way too long post just how much my practice has changed. I thought at this point I would still be re-adjusting to going back to the yoga. No: the body remembers, and it returns with renewed strength and energy. I am struggling slightly with my flexibility and if there's one area that is lacking in my practice, it is that, as there were points in the past where I was more flexible than I am now, but this setback is not major, and actually, it allows me to realize that where I thought flexibility was absolutely key to a yoga practice, it really is just one element, and must be balanced by physical and mental strength, as well as endurance.

Another major improvement is that I haven't felt l like I was about to keel over and die in class, which - sorry to say if you're a beginner - truly was how I felt for at least 30% of my classes during the first year. The first few years. Yikes! Now I'm still not sure but I am starting to think that teachers are taking more liberties with temperature adjustment, turning on the fans and turning off the humidifier, things like that, to make the room more bearable. Anyway, I am just generally feeling so good during class that I can actually listen to the dialogue and follow it, and with each practice, I learn things about the correct ways to do the postures that I cannot believe I didn't know before. Like the proper grip for Rabbit. And the breathing. And the sit-up. I didn't know that I hadn't been listening to the dialogue before. I thought I knew it like the Lord's Prayer. Um, no! I had been fighting for my life in there, delirious, just keeping my head above water.

Well, with my new and improved practice (and body) I feel like I've uncovered a hidden treasure, and I'm so excited to share it with other Bikram enthusiasts, especially those of you that want to lose weight, have health issues, motivation issues, or just don't believe that your body can and will change into that of a fit, limber yogi.

IT CAN! And for the record, I still have a really long way to go.

Stay tuned :)

Best Class

I was saying to my sister that this challenge is proof that mentality means so much when it comes to strength. On previous challenges (30 days) I was really hurting by the last week, with fatigue, lack of motivation, anger, mysterious random pains in my body that felt like they might be injuries, etc. Now it's Day 24 and I'm fine, but I know it's partially because this is a 60 day challenge and I've just surrendered. It's like how sometimes a one hour flight or drive can feel longer than a 4 hour journey, because you mentally prepare yourself when you know you're really in it for the long haul and that is an important step. I'd also like to mention that this is the longest I've ever gone consecutively because I always skipped a few days here and there and did doubles (which actually made the challenge more difficult overall, especially because I usually skipped classes when I'd drank alcohol the night before and I would have been far better sweating that out the next day.) This has been a good challenge so far.

I had a really good class today. I am a bit overtired and I had nightmares last night for some reason, but I managed to go in with a good attitude and I felt very strong. I have been concentrating most classes on staying still between the postures and coming out of postures very slowly. I never used to care about that stuff for the most part, my mentality was like "all I can possibly do is make it here, you can't expect any more from me than that." Now I make it a point to continually ask myself if I'm trying my 100% honest best and it's made a really big difference for me. I've heard plenty of people say that that's when their practice really changed, when they started giving 100%, but I still felt it didn't apply to me - it was just one of those things like "yeah, well I also can't stick to 1500 calories a day or avoid alcohol or be a complete saint like you and I'm not going to apologize for it because at least I'm trying here." But I guess you hear things properly when you're ready for them, you make that change when you're ready. I still have a lot of room to grow, of course, but I went into this with the mentality that I was going to turn my practice around and that is what I'm doing.

Meanwhile, my schedule at work has changed and I'm considering aiming for 6am classes during the week. I don't know if this is really what I want to do or even can do seeing as I'm a night owl and I suffer from insomnia - I can't see myself asleep in bed by 10 every night...but it's a maybe nonetheless. Even though classes are more difficult in the morning, I don't feel like I stretched as well because the muscles are so tight, I still feel you're better off going to bed early and practicing first thing. It's the traditional way I'm told, not that we're ultra-traditional around here ;) Night!

Day 19 -- WAHHHH!

Class starts in 16 minutes. (Don't worry, I live within two minutes walking distance from my studio, which is how I got hooked on this yoga in the first place.)

I don't want to go to class. I'm still tired from yesterday's class! I ate an egg salad sandwich at 5pm and I still feel really full off it. I also had a cracker with goat's cheese from a platter in the staff room at 5 to 6; what was I thinking? I haven't drank enough water today and I am sooo unmotivated.

I can't believe I'll only be a third of the way through the challenge tomorrow...Can I really do this?!

I fantasized about skipping class today although I have absolutely no good reason to do so, and doing a double somewhere down the road. I would pay any money to stay home tonight and watch episode after episode of Dexter. Wouldn't that be the life? Should I rest for another hour and go to class at 8:15? I'd have time for a single episode...no, I need to go. I worked my butt off the last three classes yet I couldn't fall asleep last night and I felt exhausted this morning, and the first day back after long weekends is never very fun for me (or anyone, I suppose)...

AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gotta go now =*(

Day 16

Well, I haven't written in a little while, but today was my 16th consecutive class. I feel pretty good. My upper back is sore, but that's about it for bodily aches and pains. (That being said, it's really quite sore and interfering with some of the postures, but it's actually getting better and I'm going for a massage on Monday.) My flexibility is almost at its best, except in hands-to-feet pose, as there was a time when I could lock my knees out better, for longer and more often. I'm not sure what's going on there, but I'm going to push through it. My moods have been pretty good, but I've been fighting with people lately. It's actually been a really busy week and a half with relatives in town, a full schedule at work, and plenty of things to do and take care of.

I'm surprised I've managed to go to yoga every day as I've been overtired, and on Tuesday night I went out drinking and clubbing until 2 AM - I had to leave work early the next day, but I trooped off to yoga that evening all the same. By the end of the week, though, I started to really think about how much I need this long weekend. At work on Friday, I had absolutely had it with some of the students. I teach ESL, and normally I love my job but lately I've become really irritated with the prevalence of racism and homophobia amongst a lot of the students at my school. Usually I turn a blind eye towards it because I can get very argumentative and sensitive and in the past I've had very little luck with closed-minded people, so I barely even bother. I never seem to convince anyone of anything when it comes to the issues I care about the most, and then I mull over it for hours afterward; also, I feel I have to stay relatively neutral as a language teacher as we discuss some heavy issues in class sometimes, so unless someone says something highly offensive (which does happen, actually) I will let a lot of different opinions pass and be heard with little interference. On Friday, however, I was ready to blow my top.

Anyway, I'm really happy I'm on this challenge. Did I mention I'm on the 60 day challenge? I know that after completing several 30 day challenges in the past I've said I want to establish a regular practice without going the route of a challenge, but let's face it, I haven't had much luck with that. However, I did manage to go very regularly for a month and a half for the first time in a year before I started this challenge, and I really wanted to go 60 days in a row at some point very soon, so this was a good excuse for me to do it, because a 30 or 60 challenge popped up at my studio. I don't know of anyone else that is doing the 60 day, though. Maybe it's just me. Anyway, that's what Bikram recommends for beginners, and Ren told me I had to go back to the beginning and start again, so here I am. Day 16. Yesterday I was 1/4th of the way through!

I've made the realization that many times I go to class and don't try my very best. Perhaps even as little as 75% effort is what I give some classes. I've just found it so difficult to get there in the first place that I don't beat myself up if I sit a posture out or come out of something early, even if it's not absolutely necessary. But then I realized that it's been ages since I gave 100% in Half-Locust, (because I freaking hate that posture), and maybe that's why I am having all these pains in my upper back! It makes sense, doesn't it? Every posture prepares your body for the next, and the next, and the next. Ren said that if you miss a posture, you basically mess up the rest of your class so even if you feel really sick you should at least do one set. Anyway, even if I was doing two half-hearted sets of Half-Locust, I wasn't properly preparing myself for the rest of spine-strengthening series and every posture after that, especially Camel and Rabbit which totally focus on the spine! (Sometime I cannot do Rabbit, I'm not kidding, I have to stay scrunched up on my heels because of the pain I feel when I lift my hips up.) Well, today I said to myself, "you are going to try 100% in everything including Half-Locust," and that's exactly what I did. The posture wasn't brutal at all. It was fine. What was I so worried about? Attempting it half-heartedly actually makes the posture a lot harder is what I realized today.

Anyway, and I'm not just saying this for special effects, I honestly felt especially good after today's class because I worked so hard, and it showed me that actually, I have been kind of lazy and it really does make a difference. Also, the past few classes it's been really hard for me to twist during spine-twisting because of the pain in my back, but today it was just a teensy-bit easier.

OK, well, I want to keep up with this so I can look back and remember what it was like during this challenge.

I'm hot.

The weather in Vancouver is uncharacteristically hot at the moment. I took a nap this afternoon and woke up drenched in sweat. Ugh. All I do is sweat!

Well, today I officially signed up for the challenge, but I consider this to be Day 3 because this is my third consecutive day in a row and I made this decision on Friday, so Friday is when I consider myself to have started. (But officially, today is Day 1. Ugh. Never mind that.) This is my first challenge in over a year, and I'm going for 60 days instead of 30. That's right, 60 days in a row. Sixty.

Just think in four days, I'll be 1/6th of the way through this challenge! Wow. I'll be done on Monday, October 13th, what a day that will be. I'll be on Day 43 on my birthday, which is September 26th...I thought about it yesterday and what I thought was, what a wonderful place to be on your birthday, completely devoted to your yoga practice. That's what I thought! Actually, I plan on taking my entire birthday week off, which will be a nice break for me. I'll probably need it. I like to take a lot of time off throughout the year because I put a lot of energy into my job and I get super tired if I don't take time off. (I'm an ESL teacher.) Other people just work and work and work but I simply cannot. I NEED time off every once in a while. I also believe that I should be paid just for living on this earth but that's another matter!

I can't believe I'm doing a 60 day challenge that is going to take me all the way to early Fall. Am I crazy? I actually had three potential weeks of vacation this September and I was going to go on a big trip, somewhere balmy, beautiful, a place where you could actually swim in the ocean rather than look at it from a distance and wonder why it looks so brown and cold. I had a couple of places in mind - California, Caribbean or Central America. I was going to visit friends or family, or maybe just backpack around a little by myself. However, ever since that seminar with Ren (which I will talk about a little bit later, once I'm settled into my challenge) I've been dreading taking this vacation because I knew it would be a big disruption to my yoga practice and my health. (As you can see, I can dread just about anything - I've already told you I dread yoga and now I'm telling you I dread dream vacations.) I'm just not the type of person that stays healthy and active during vacations; I drink too much, fail to exercise, eat basically anything I can get my hands on, etc...I always feel like crap when I come back and have to spend days or weeks getting back into a healthy routine. Therefore, it's honestly a relief to me that I've canceled my trip and have nothing to focus on for the next two months besides yoga. (I AM still going to take a trip, but it won't be until later on this year or early next year.)

I've also got other things I'd like to accomplish. I went to the library and took out four books I've been meaning to read for years: They are: Postman by Charles Bukowski, Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts, Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins, and Fear of Flying by Erica Jong. I couldn't believe I found them all! Actually there are many more books in this world besides these four that I want to read but these four have just been on my 'must read' list for so long, and I never have - I never even see them anywhere for some reason. So, I hadn't been to the library for a really long time because I racked up tons of fees on both my Vancouver and Burnaby library cards, but I realized I have my mom's Burnaby card so I decided to have a look today and see what I could find. I found everything! The library is awesome! That also saved me about $70.00 if I were to buy the books new...something to think about. I buy a lot of books, but many times I buy them secondhand or steal them straight off peoples' bookcases and say "Hey I'm borrowing this!" just as I'm leaving their house.

Anyway, I also want to stop wasting time doing stupid things like flipping through random peoples' photo albums on facebook, reading celebrity blogs, and watching dumb clips on youtube. What a waste of time, God. I mean if it were for five minutes here and there it would be fine but I can waste hours on the Internet every day if I'm not careful. So, I want to spend this kind of spare time reading these wonderful works of literature and also working on my own writing, which has been severely neglected lately. So far I'm doing well; I'm already 70 pages into Jitterbug Perfume, which has come highly recommended to my by about 10 people, and last night I read Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho (in its entirety!!) while engaged in deep belly breathing. It took me like, five hours, and by the time I was finished I swear I was in a trance-like state. It was a moving experience. I'M WEIRD!

In addition to this, I want to cut back on my alcohol intake almost completely (I'm going to try to limit it to organic red wine like they say in "Skinny Bitch", we'll see how that goes, hehe). I'm supposed to be this healthy, aware, spiritual-type person, but actually I'm still a total party girl, same as always. I'm also trying to monitor what I eat, as per usual - Bikram teachers say that if you practice a lot but you're not losing weight you have to take what you normally eat every day and cut it in half. I think I've mentioned this before. Um...I don't know if that is going to be entirely possible but I went to Safeway after class today and bought lots of produce and tofu and nuts and other healthy stuff, so uh, yeah, I'll give that my best shot...!

I want to take some of the money I was going to use for my trip and spend it on my new health-conscious lifestyle. I want to buy a juicer, (I had to throw my last one out because I left the fruit pulp in it for about two weeks after using it one day and when I found it was covered, and I mean covered, in flies - I dropped it into a big black garbage bag and ran screaming to the back of the house), start drinking wheatgrass, and get some other stuff from Capers and places like that, like Oil of Oregano and epsom salts and organic skin and haircare products. I also need a new stainless steel water bottle because I left mine at my studio and now it's gone! I actually saw someone using it but it was during class, and then I never saw him again. However, it was missing the lid and I dented that one, so I kind of wanted a new one anyway. Also, if someone's using it now then I don't want their icky germs. They can just have it. Hmm, what else? Not sure - oh yeah, I am in desperate need of some new yoga clothes! That usually motivates me to go to class, and JC knows I need all the motivation I can get. I'm sorry to invoke the name of Jesus while we're talking about yoga here but that's the West for you.

Yes, so that's what I'm gonna spend my trip money on, along with paying off my credit card. That's my plan. As for what I'm hoping to accomplish by doing this 60 day challenge, I really just want to improve my postures to what I feel they should be - for ME - after practicing for 2 and a half years. For instance, what a disaster I am in Standing-Head-to-Knee, I mean really. I'm going to talk about all this stuff down the road, but I just want to increase my strength and flexibility to a level that I can be proud of. I don't mean to sound competitive or self-deprecating, but I'm just being honest when I say that sometimes you do feel like you've reached a point in your practice that you can't get past, and I've been there for a long time so I'm ready to make that progression. Updates to come.

Gosh I'm boring! But writing this is very therapeutic.

2008 in a Nutshell.

This is my first post in a year and a half! Wow, who am I now? I dunno still...

For the life of me I couldn't remember the name of this old yoga blog that I used to update on the odd occasion. Oh yeah: Dedicated. Haha, cute. Well, after a year and a half, I'm back! I had to google weird word combinations to get to my other old blog, which I remembered linked to this one. I can't believe that I used to keep 2 blogs...um, hi. I guess I used to have a lot of time on my hands because I worked at a lame office job.

Well...it's been a rough year for Adri and yoga. I returned to a steady Bikram practice at the beginning of June of this year. THANK GOD. Prior to that, I hadn't practiced Bikram yoga properly and regularly since June of 2007, which seems crazy to me now. Really? Yes, it's true. I'm just being honest. I mean, I still *went* to class at least a few times a month, most months, and some months I was up to a few times a week, but I was totally irregular and it never lasted and my heart was elsewhere. Where? I don't know. My heart was in a very strange place. Anyway, I decided to experiment with other styles and see what would happen. So here goes:

First I did a lot of spiritual reading and took a 2 month workshop style course in Kundalini Yoga (non-hatha) in mid-winter. Now that was an experience! We were asked to do a lot of journaling and sharing and exploration of the chakras. (By the way, no one was ever able to tell me whether the chakras are meant to be viewed as symbolic or if they are real things in and about our bodies. Is that something you're supposed to decide for yourself?) However, I already do a lot of journaling and sharing. I'm a pretty open person, except where I'm very secretive, and nothing about that workshop changed that about me. So, the truth is that I didn't really like the class and I'm not sure how or why it was beneficial for me, but I definitely don't regret taking it. Like I said, it was interesting. (By the way, at first I was really scared I would awaken my kundalini and eff my life up completely - that's what all that stupid reading did for me! I read too much, honestly, especially when it comes to spirituality, I mean you're supposed to do not read. Anyway I can't believe that I actually thought this was going to happen to me. I'm paranoid about the weirdest things.) Oh yeah, taking that course also qualified me to stay for free at a supposedly beautiful ashram in eastern BC as long as I'm under 31. I don't know if I'll have time to do that, but you never know, and I might want to go to an ashram someday and perhaps decrazify myself.

While this workshop was going on and I was dragging my lazy butt to Bikram yoga 1-3 times per week or less, I randomly decided to sign up for the 9 week starter package practicing *"Hatha Yoga" at Open Door, which extended into mid-Spring. (*I really hesitate to call certain styles of yoga "Hatha" as opposed to some other style or name because as long as the yoga is physical, it's Hatha. You know that, right? Ha-tha, sun-moon. For instance, at Open Door there are two names for classes, Hatha and Power, but Power IS also Hatha, so the distinction bothered me. It was the same at the Ashtanga studio I used to go to; there were a bunch of different types of classes ie Ashtanga, Vinyasa Flow, Yoga Nidra, etc. but only one of them was named Hatha. One last thing: Bikram yoga is absolutely a Hatha Yoga practice for the many people that have asked me about it!!!)

I enjoyed my brief stint at Open Door. I really did. But most of the classes were about as tough as a Swedish massage, (though almost as relaxing!) and a Bikram practitioner like myself has to wonder about that. I'm not criticizing, you know, I loved it and perhaps it challenged and moved me in ways that I don't realize. I'm just saying that I am not at a place spiritually or physically or whatever that I'm going to feel satisfied with a practice that doesn't properly challenge or even maintain my strength and flexibility. I know that might sound un-yogic but 9 out of every 10 things I say are pretty un-yogic and I'm a Bikram adherent so what can you expect?

That being said, one of the "Power" classes I took was one of the hardest yoga classes I've ever taken in my life. WEIRD. I was dripping with sweat, and it was hard for me to work up a good enough sweat when I did Ashtanga Yoga, though I believe that's because I wasn't strong enough. It's hard to describe what this class was like or why it was so hard - we weren't even doing vinyasas. All I remember about the teacher is that she had just gotten back from someplace in India and this was her first class back - yeah, well, she worked me to the bone. Also, it was early in the morning and I'd done a Bikram class late the night before, so my muscles basically went on strike. Later, as I was walking to the bus stop I was so freaking tired and shaky that it took me about quadruple the time to get there that it normally would have.

However, like I said, most of the classes at that studio are super-relaxed. I would highly recommend that place to people with stressful jobs/lives, hands-down. One time I fell asleep and dreamed for about half the class and no one said a word. FACT. I couldn't imagine dreading going to yoga at Open Door - it would be like dreading looking at a picture of an adorable puppy. Doesn't make sense. I mean sometimes the class was a bit harder than what I'm saying and when you throw those vinyasas in there it starts to feel like more of a physical challenge, but most of the yoga wasn't really like that. Anyway, let's just put it this way: if I had all the time and money in the world I would totally go back to that studio!

Moving right along, in late May, early June I got back into Bikram yoga for about two weeks steady, during which time I was very proud of myself, but then I spent the second week of June at my cabin in Point Roberts. I went for six consecutive classes at the Vinyasa-Flow style studio there. That was definitely challenging for me, I mean I was drinking through that with being on vacation, you know... So, it's a really cute little studio shaped like a miniature barn, attached to a really lovely bed and breakfast, and when you look out the window you see horses grazing! Isn't that nice? A lot of the people that practice there are quite a bit older and some are just plain OLD so you would expect the yoga not to be ultra-challenging or fast-paced, but I was sore as hell that week! The lady that runs the studio throws a lot of (what seem to me like) traditional abdominal exercises into her routines. I think that's why, or partially why. I got my butt kicked a few times.

By the way mommy came for her first (and only) yoga class EVER that week, to the "Gentle Yoga" on Thursdays. She did really well, kind of. So, if you're ever in Pt. Roberts, definitely check out Madrona Yoga, especially with Kathleen on Mondays and Tuesdays - I absolutely love this woman.

For some unknown reason, after that I never went to another yoga class period until the 5th of June. WTF?! Why do I do that to myself? The whole time I was like, "what are you doing, why aren't you going to yoga, you need to go back to yoga, you're going to regret this, you already regret this and you're not even finished your regretful action..."

Well thankfully, (thankfully to myself, that is), since the 5th I've been doing Bikram at least every other day except for the brief time I spent in Calgary, but that doesn't count. I'm very proud of myself. It's about bloody time. I feel enormously relieved, and better about myself, my life, everything. I feel like I had my figurative "year abroad" and now I've come home to Bikram yoga, where I seem to belong. Of all the Bikram yogis I am definitely a person that is aware of the controversy surrounding this style of yoga and I DO have my problems with it, believe me. However, I know now that this is the yoga for me right now and that this IS the community I want to belong to, flawed as it may be.

I like to think that when I used to write in this blog, I was such a good girl. I was really excited about the yoga and I was making steady progress and I still had that beginner's glow about my new-found practice. Needless to say, things have changed since then. I got frustrated, lazy, discouraged, jaded and disappointed. However, I persevered, and now I'm back with new purpose. I don't think I'm at square one. I know I'm not at square one. But, I've got some work to do before I can really take this to the next level, and that's what I want to do. That's what I'm in the process of doing!

I said that things changed for me at the beginning of July, but actually nothing *really* changed until after I went to the seminar two weeks ago with Ren Soriano. At one point during the seminar I found myself thinking, "why am I here, this is such a waste of time." I didn't feel that he was giving any good tips that I didn't know and a few times I actually questioned the validity of his advice, which struck me as rather IFFY to say the least! In addition to this I felt out of shape and hungry (nice combo there) and couldn't bear the thought of having to take class after six hours in that hot room. I couldn't stop dreading it, which is what I've hated about my yoga practice in general, why I DREAD GOING. Who the hell DREADS yoga, that's absurd.

Anyway, I'm not going to get heavily into the seminar right now, but I'll say this: something that Ren said completely knocked me off my feet, and you know, I honestly think that if I hadn't spent $100 and gone to that seminar all by myself I would not be writing this right now. My practice would have been at danger of slipping and sliding into temporary oblivion once again, and I would have remained lost. But, for once in my life I listened to my gut instead of the crazy voices in my head and did the right thing, and I made the yoga equivalent of the realization of a lifetime. I really did. I did not understand something absolutely vital until two weeks ago, and before that time I was just a visitor to this world.

Now I live here.

Challenge 3 - and a little BY venting!

It seems like the only time I can stick to a regular yoga schedule is when I am on a challenge. I am not entirely sure if he was making reference to this sad fact, but the director of my studio joked that this challenge is for me especially. Well, I'm on Day 6! Woohoo!

It isn't that I don't go to class otherwise, as I do, but my practice tends to get erratic. Christmas certainly didn't help. I let almost two weeks go without a single class, and believe me, I paid for it! (I went to class since the challenge began, but only a couple times). I read somewhere that this woman suffering various ailments said Bikram yoga works like a pill, ie, daily class keeps any and all negative symptoms at bay, but as soon as practice stops or gets disrupted, slowly all the bad stuff creeps back. I agree with this almost 100%. The difference for me is that an extended break feels a bit less detrimental than it used to, perhaps because I get in better shape (on the whole) as time passes. For instance, I remember a break of two weeks during the summer really taking its toll. Physically, I didn't start to feel all that shitty this time around - mind you I didn't feel too shitty to begin with (although I did get a really bad cold for the first time in two years) - however, mentally, I *really* felt a negative impact. I felt that something was truly missing. It sounds silly.

Anyway, it's only Day 6 and I am already almost back to normal (thank God, I couldn't handle it over Christmas), but was I ever sore AND I had just made huge breakthroughs in my flexibility around mid-December, especially in my spine, and unfortunately I seem to have lost some of that. Still I am not back where I was a few weeks ago! I can't see this (relative) inflexibility lasting forever, though! Can it?

I have to be honest: I am getting frustrated with my progress in Standing Head-to-Knee and Standing Bow. Why don't I have the strength that other people seem to have? I can lock my knee now, but I cannot hold either of these poses for the full sixty seconds on either side for about 90% of classes. My goal this challenge is to build up my determination in these postures and to stop telling myself "I can't". I feel like I say "I can" but I just don't listen. Is this tantamount to "I can't"? I don't know!

There is another issue: I am going away for a few months to a city where there is no Bikram Yoga studio. There is "hot yoga", and the routine is very similar, (26 postures with slight variations), but at the same time it feels very, very different. It used to be a Bikram Yoga College of India, but apparently the director(s) wanted to teach another style of yoga introduced by one of Bikram's first students and as we all know, this is forbidden. For copyright reasons, the series had to be altered slightly. It's just about the same, but as I said, it can feel worlds different. Almost...wrong.

I may give a vinyasa-based yoga a second chance instead, as that's what I began with in 2003. I will miss the heat and the series, but it's not forever and I would almost prefer to be practicing a style of yoga that isn't an inherent deviation. However, I'm just not convinced that anything else will have the same therapeutic effects. A lot of people would disagree. Some yogis think that yoga without the sun salutation sequence can be harmful. Some yogis think that Bikram is a money-grubbing pervert! In some ways, Bikram method is quite controversial, (mind you, all the major schools in NA are considered controversial by *some* group), but I for one believe in it. I believe that every time a person goes into that hot room and tries their best, something utterly amazing happens.

This is not to say that I don't have my issues, and I think about switching styles more than probably many other people that practice Bikram method regularly. Why? A few reasons.

For one thing, I haven't been overly impressed with the latest influx of new teachers fresh from Fall 2006 teacher training. The nine-week teacher training is very expensive, (I would say approximately $10,000 CA dollars including accommodation), and I don't believe that the students with the financial means to attend are always going to be the best candidates. $10,000 is a hell of a lot of money for a period of nine weeks. I would say that it takes more than the usual will and determination to save up to get to go to this, especially considering I can't imagine that Bikram Yoga teachers are exactly rolling in the dough! So, who's going? A person must meet other minimum requirements, such as a steady practice of at least six months and recommendation from a certified instructor, but it would seem that having money at one's disposal seals the deal in the end. Anyway, I am worried that once a (reasonably well off) student reaches a certain point on their Bikram Yoga path, teacher training is the natural next step, even if that person is utterly ill-suited to instruction. For instance, having a terrible speaking voice or poor command of the English language.

I'm not going to lie: I have had some great teachers, but I have also experienced some really irritating teachers. Teachers that seem peculiarly distracted and flaky when you attempt to ask them a question or make light conversation after class. Teachers that, while taking class, TALK mindlessly before and after class within the hot room. Also, I find that Bikram teachers don't seem to have the well of kindness within them that I honestly would just expect. I sense an air of conceit more than I would care to admit, an air of eliteness, if you will, and it actually turns me off. I also don't find that the teachers are as helpful as I feel they should be. These things come with time, of course, and I appreciate the fact that there is always room for improvement, but straight off the bat these people should have razor-sharp vision for what's going on. I do! Sometimes teachers just stand there doing nothing but barking the dialogue all class long while people flail all over the place - I myself will spot students WILDLY "out-of-pose" (if that's a term) being utterly ignored. This worries me. At the same time, more advanced students that know the routine and dialogue so well there is very little chance of them sustaining injury get absolutely honed in on to make minor improvements, or even just receive compliments, sometimes to the detriment of everyone else that deserves a little attention as well. Don't get me wrong, I think that everyone that tries their best and comes to class regularly deserves some special attention, but sometimes things get silly.

That being said, I must point out that Judy from Australia is an awesome, wonderful teacher! I don't want to sound overly negative. I'm sure that there are many, many good teachers, and I have been impressed on lots of different occasions. I just hope that people are becoming teachers for the right reasons, or at least continually keep themselves in check once they become certified.

Moving along, I also find the "gym" atmosphere at my studio very off-putting. I have been complaining about this since second one. I know it's not like this at other studios and maybe I just need to find a different one, but talk about "no dogma"!! No dogma and no respect! Oh oh, here comes my venting session!

Note to practitioners: please don't talk on your cell phone in an outside voice for extended periods in the change-room, or worse, in the hot room before and after class! Are you kidding me? Don't just turn off the ringer. Turn it the F off.

Please don't chat mindlessly with your friend(s) before and after class in the hot room. This is outrageously inappropriate. Some people are trying to rest in Savasana here, for instance, ME.

Please don't make a big noisy production of rolling down/up your mat, and try not to let your towel hit me in the face when you walk by as I rest in Savasana. I mean, how rude!

Please don't lug all of your stuff into class and then place it directly beside my mat. This is an invasion of personal space. And please don't act annoyed when I gently request that you remove it.

When the teacher says "stagger yourself" during separate leg series or "make sure that everyone behind you can see themselves in the mirror" please LISTEN and ACT.

Please don't hang out taking up space and eat in the change-room when it's packed to the gills.

Well, that's all for now. I just wish that people would be a bit mindful of their fellow students, that this was VALUED at Bikram Yoga! Is it just my studio? Seriously, people, I am trying to be open and accepting here but it's hard. I'm certainly not the first to have these kinds of complaints...am I???

Until next time...

Memories of Thoughts.

I'm taking a break with my other blog because I feel that it's too negative and I don't feel any better about things after an entry. I also put pressure on myself to post, usually when I'm nowhere near a computer or in a position to be writing anything, and I've grown weary of thinking about it. I have a lot on my plate at the moment because I'm on the brink of some major life changes, so I need to use my spare time productively. Reason for change? Oh, I don't know. I feel that I've been stagnant for too long and it's time to get moving. Chop chop.

I don't like Vancouver; that's not a secret. I am only sticking around (and not for much longer) because I grew up here and I have grown scarily dependent on a support system of family and friends. Many people are in similar boats but they don't view it as a problem. It would seem that I do. However, I am of a mind that one's location shouldn't matter too much in the grand scheme of life and that it's best to make do with what you've got. In other words, there's no difference between a janitor's closet and the Himalayas; neither is inherently a "better" place to meditate, it just seems that way. Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. This is the goal, or ideal. At the same time, I feel that the spirit here is very sterile and apathetic, very humorless, and it is affecting me negatively. At this point I just don't have the resources to adequately shield myself from negative influences, and I believe that it is hindering me from making the kind of progress necessary to get on to the path of the janitor's closet. Hmmm. I also fear my thinking here may be contradictory. Nonetheless, I'm off!

I should be writing in here more frequently because, as I've mentioned, I'd like to keep a record of my progress and I have so many interesting little thoughts associated with yoga that I know I forget. I always mean to write soon after class, but instead I've taken to watching TV once I get home for some reason! I'm not sure why, but that's got to stop. I hardly watch TV, it's very rare. I am deep in thought for at least 75% of my waking hours and although it's exhausting, which is why I turn to stupid things like magazines, msn messenger, TV, weed, and alcohol, for refuge. Yoga is supposed to replace all of this! (I also thrive on this deep thinking, though, obviously, but I can't have it all the time because I'm already partially crazy.) Anyway, I especially like to daydream after class because I'm not quite ready to think deeply yet but if I do something invigorating like engage in conversation or read, I'll miss that relaxation period. However, sometimes my daydreaming gets very intense (and no I don't mean sexually!) and it turns into that same deep thinking I need a break from. So, TV gives me a chance to daydream lightly - I can't think too hard because I remain focused on the show, but I can let my thoughts wander without tensing up. It's very pleasant. I should find a way to do this that doesn't involve TV.

As they tell us, one of the most difficult things in yoga practice is achieving mental stillness. This is why I crave the really difficult classes, especially - and I know it sounds terrible - if I'm out to impress, because my mind becomes very still and focused. Does that sound right or wrong? I figure that what's going on in class and who is teaching shouldn't matter so much to my own individual practice, but I suppose these are beginner's woes. It's like this: If I am having an easy class or it is a huge class and I'm not likely to be noticed so I let myself slack a little, my mind can wander like mad. It can be very difficult to stay focused. Sometimes I even doze off during the 20 second savasanas, which is really bad. Last week, somehow, I fell asleep very briefly, right before third part of Locust, while we were flat on our faces. I even had a quick dream that someone was biting my lip. Weird. Anyway, what I wanted to say was that I feel the circumstances in a particular class rather than the length of time a person has been practicing may have just as much of an influence on mental stillness. Maybe not. I know that I am still very much a beginner and I hesitate to get too far ahead of myself, but am I really improving in this area or is it an ebb and flow type thing? It's hard to remember what things were like a few months ago.

Once a professor lamented to my class that it is impossible for us to truly remember what it is like to be a child because our adultness colors over the memories and changes them. Without intending to I find that I have given this a great deal of thought. Not only do I find memory itself to be particularly perplexing, I've always prided myself on my ability to vividly recall events that happened and, more importantly, the thoughts I had, very early in childhood. I am willing to accept that I may be completely or partially wrong about this, but I really do feel that I am able to remember what it was like to have a child's perspective. I just deleted everything I wrote in the second half of this paragraph because it sounded all wrong. I'll try to explain it another time. Anyway, my point was that I have difficulty trying to recall what the yoga was like at the very beginning because I only seem to know what it is like now. Every time I attempt to single out a thought or feeling or way about the yoga that seemed to occur exclusively at the very start I am forced to admit that it isn't really changed now.

Okay, I'm really tired. Good night!

The Laziness Returns...

...Or maybe I just needed a break. As predicted, I didn't continue without pause after finishing the 30 day challenge. Rather, I took three days off in a row, and then dragged myself to 7:15 pm class this evening. It wasn't a bust, thankfully, and my flexibility seemed limitless. Well, for me, anyway. In actuality it was quite limited, but I felt open and strong. I don't know if this is a yoga phenomenon or just the way I get sometimes naturally, but since the challenge ended and I took my break, I have been experiencing insane amounts of energy. It takes until at least 2 or 3 am to get sleepy enough to even attempt going to bed, and then I am up again by at least 8 if not earlier. What is this?! I should be using this to my advantage and accomplishing things, but unfortunately I also have "racing mind" so I'm finding it really difficult to focus. I hate that.

Yeah, so I would have gladly skipped AGAIN today but I knew I had to blow off some of this energy. A lot of times I think to myself that class exhausts me despite the seemingly indisputable claim that yoga gives a person more energy than it takes to practice. Well, not today. I zipped through class, and although I'm a bit more subdued I still have that racy feeling. It was a good class, though, as I mentioned. Whenever I'm sluggish and lethargic in class, it's much harder for me to focus and remain still between postures and during savasana. However, having extra energy and strength like I had today is great because I hardly feel the need to fidget at all and it feels very natural to hold completely still.

Anyway, we had a "yoga show off" in class today. Yoga show-offs pop up in class every now and then and are hardly ever dedicated exclusively to Bikram's, it seems - they usually come from a regular practice in some different style of yoga, or perhaps even dance or gymnastics. Some people think Bikram's is flashy, but it honestly isn't. It's very uniform, and everyone must be doing the same poses at the same time so that the class moves as one (unless, of course, you're lying out a pose, which is fine). Understanding the importance of this here is like baby steps. Even the most well practiced students rarely draw much attention to themselves unless a teacher calls it to them; otherwise, it's more like the better you get, the less you stand out. The opposite is true for yoga show-offs, though. Overly flexible, these types rebel against the postures in that they don't follow directions, often go so much deeper into a particular pose than prescribed that they're actually in a different pose, sometimes (smugly?) knowing and sometimes not even realizing, and their trademark seems to be holding the poses for longer so that, I assume, everyone can see how flexible they are. Ugh. Where do these wayward students come from? Ashtanga? Who knows.

However, this illustrates what I love about Bikram style yoga: the series is extremely humbling no matter what your level. All egotistical notions of progress get blown away by the very first instruction which is to just do what you're told and that's all there is to it. Some people say that Bikram's becomes "too easy". Alarms should be going off! What is "too easy"? Show me a practitioner that can sit or stand still for an hour and a half while maintaining the same focus and calm characteristic of the 20 second savasanas between postures during spine-strengthening series and then we'll talk about easy! I don't know, maybe I'm speaking too soon. In any case, it's really hard for me to stifle the voice inside my head that says, "I'm right, they're wrong!" even when it comes to yoga. Gotta work on that.

Second 30DC: Finished!

I finished my second thirty day challenge this morning at 9:30 am! Congratulations to me, but I didn't have a good class today due to drinking alcohol last night and getting too little sleep. I barely remember class, to tell you the truth. Also, my flexibility was the shits. Oh well.

In addition, I was having a fantastic class last night at 6:15 pm when suddenly the fire alarm went off right in the middle of Balancing Stick and we had to evacuate the building! I couldn't believe it. We weren't sure what was going on at first and we actually advanced into Standing Separate Leg Stretching amidst the blaring, but soon enough we were informed that class was officially over. I felt myself getting really upset about it at first because I was scared that the interruption would have some kind of ill effect on my mood that evening, but I got over it. As for this morning, I knew I would be drinking last night and that class would feel dreadful this morning, especially since I also had to go in to work today, so I was prepared. All's well, and I have tomorrow and the next day off work so I am really excited about that.

As I mentioned previously, I'm really serious about not letting my practice drop off now that the challenge is over. It has to be 5 days a week minimum. That might sound like a lot to some people but it isn't a lot for me because I know I can do it and I cannot argue in good faith that there is something better I could be doing with my time. There just isn't. I don't even have to budget in travel time as I live practically next door to the studio, and I'm not even working a full 40 hours per week. No more excuses.

Anyway, I mentioned earlier that this challenge had been considerably easier and barely even felt like a challenge. Hah. That was before week 4. That was also before I made up the three classes I missed (I know, I said I wouldn't miss any and then I missed 3, but somehow this is allowed at our studio and my absenses were work-related) with three doubles in a row during the same week I started a new job (that would be this week)! It was actually really hard and I got super tired and cranky - at one point I was like "I can NOT go to another class." (I did, though.) Also, particular teachers started to get on my nerves, big-time, and I am also guilty of beating myself up for laziness, inflexibility and lack of strength, both physically and mentally. That doesn't get anyone anywhere. So, needless to say the challenge ended up being very challenging, but an extremely rewarding experience.

My plan is to go to class tomorrow. I don't know if I'll stick to that plan, but I'd like to. Now that I have more time on my hands I will work on updating this blog regularly.

My Experience

I can't believe how different this challenge feels from the last one. It's incredible how much things have changed, from my perspective, inside the heated room. Mind you, I'd only been practicing for about a month and a half when I began the last challenge (which seems unreal) and it has been almost 8 months now, so one would expect a difference. So, what do I mean? Well, for one thing, it's been much easier to get through. Last challenge I would count the days until I was done after every class, unable to believe how far I'd come yet how distant still the end day was. This time around it's honestly not even on my mind. I don't feel like I'm on a "challenge" right now. I feel like I just go to yoga every day because that's what I want to do. I don't even know what day I am on! I could figure it out easily enough, but it's just not important to me anymore.

However, it's important to note that I don't work the 9 to 5 anymore so I've been able to mix up my classes quite a bit. I have to take that into consideration because it was a lot more difficult to have no choice but 6:15 or 8:15 every weekday evening. We actually have a new room open at our studio, which means lots of selection for class times, but it isn't hot enough in there yet. Apparently the heating system is still a bit off and needs further adjustment. I don't mean to be picky, but I almost find it too cold to practice in there! The other day I had one hell of a time in there: first of all I almost killed myself driving like a maniac to make 5:15 class after getting off work at 5, and I got there late. I only missed first set of Pranayama breathing, but it still ticked me off after all of that effort. I practically catapulted myself up the hill after parking (running as fast as your legs will take you up a steep hill is a new and rather unpleasant experience I've gained throughout the past few months rushing for class from the SkyTrain or a parking spot down the hill! It's similar to "dream running" as you still can't go very fast despite maximal effort.) and then I flung my clothes all over the floor of the changeroom. Anyway, I was in such a rush that I didn't even have a sip of water before heading into class, so I was totally parched, and also I had to go pee really badly! All of this after whirling into class late! I thought that the need to pee would go away with all the sweating, but because it was only lukewarm in the new classroom it only increased. I actually had to leave the room, which I never do. What a class. Floor series was okay. Anyhow, I do feel bad about the new room but I know that they're working on it, and it does offer a beautiful view as two of the walls are windows and, as I mentioned, our studio is located on top of a big hill.

My back has been giving me some problems. I have actually had two massages in two weeks, but I don't know if they helped much. (Not that it didn't feel good, I just don't know how therapeutic it actually was.) The problem seems to be in my lower back, right at the tip of my tailbone: that's what hurts the most. I'm going to try to fix it with this ancient workout VHS called "Callanetics", an old favourite. The exersises are specifically aimed at people with back and knee problems and I remember really liking the video, so maybe I'll give it a shot tomorrow morning or something.

I'm not really as interested in talking about improvements in particular postures these days. It used to be a subject of endless fascination for my sister and me. The series has become much more the sum of its parts rather than individual poses. I have had the most special classes of my life during these past few weeks, and I just can't believe that there was a time this summer when I had begun to lose interest. I simply couldn't imagine giving this up. I'd sooner give up just about anything. My job. My social life. Going on mini-vacations. I'd even give up sleeping in a bed! (I think that big comfy beds and lots of pillows are totally overrated, anyway. All you need is a nice mat and some shelter. Now that's yogini talk!) Everything else that I used to value seems downright frivolous in comparison to practicing yoga. What else could possibly be more important? It's becoming more and more difficult to relate to people that have no interest in yoga, though, which is weird, because hardly anyone I know practices very regularly. Thank God I have my sister. She is much more reserved compared to me, but I know that she feels strongly about this as well.

I've actually had a major change in my thinking throughout the past little while, right down to my perception of the universe and my place in it. Anyone that has ever talked about "the deep stuff" with me (lots of people, as I studied philosophy) would no doubt be surprised at this shift, as I had a tendency to swing pretty far in the opposite direction at times. I've maintained a sort of "hippie buddhist" mentality throughout my 20s (I'm now 28), and even during my childhood and teens, though I was kind of weird back then and still considerably influenced by Catholicism, having attended Catholic school all the way until high school graduation. However, at the same time I can be devastatingly detached and clinical. It isn't that I was a "Jesus teen" or anything like that, but I did let go of my religion at 18 - it isn't that I began to reject it outright, but rather, I set it free. I left it for everyone else and decided to open my own mind up to whatever came to me. I am still this way, I suppose.

When it comes right down to it, I don't believe in sugar coating life. It's probably been a gradual thing, especially with the yoga, and I have read a lot of strange books lately, but there IS a single event that I believe to this day has had the most remarkable effect on my perception. I don't know how it's going to come out in print, but here it is:

I had a somewhat bizarre yet truly wonderful experience during class (and beyond!) during late summer that spawned a whole new way of thinking. It was right before I began to drop off, actually, which seems strange, as I consider the experience life-altering. (It wasn't really my fault that I dropped off, though, as I went away for two weeks right after that, leaving that very day.) It was a really warm day, and I'd spent the previous night at a friend's house, but left at around 7:30 AM. I wanted to go to the library that morning to grab some books for my trip, but it didn't open until 10, so I'd meandred around downtown for a few hours, which I suppose really loosened me up. I was going away that afternoon, so I didn't think that I had time to go to class. I still had a lot to do that day. Anyway, as I was walking up that hill I mentioned, my cell phone rang, and after hanging up, I happened to notice the time. Class was starting in 5 minutes, and suddenly I was right outside the studio. I went through that jerky movement where you're not quite sure what to do next, when I realized that I just had to have one more class before I left. I didn't have anything on me, but I was wearing shorts and a tank top that I figured would work in the classroom, and I could always rent a towel and a mat.

Anyway, I was having a fairly good warm-up, unremarkable but good, when suddenly I felt my flexibility just expand. It was in Standing Head-to-Knee pose, first set. This is going to be so anti-climactic but I don't know how else to describe what happened to me, so here goes. I decided I'd be okay to kick my leg out, which is still hard for me to hold. I felt stable from the get-go, but suddenly I was more than stable. I was so light. Weightless. I was made out of something other than my body. I felt as though I was gaining strength from some inexhaustible source outside of me at the same time as I was giving that strength back. I felt this incredible well of energy, or strength, flow through me, and it was as though I was getting it and giving it at the exact same time. I suppose that this sort of feeling has arisen during class on other occasions, in terms of shared energy perhaps, but this was somehow different. Maybe just more intense, but at the same time very subtle. The most subtle. When I think back, the only word that comes to mind is "strength". I felt I'd tapped into the tip of the iceberg of a reservoir of strength so mind-bogglingly enormous I could scarcely fathom it. However, the part that is really strange is that I felt like that strength was also coming from inside of me. It was like I discovered something that I'd been perfectly blind to, but that was readily and wholly available to me. I don't know for sure, but I would probably call this a religious experience, or at least the closest to a real religious experience that I've ever had. I think about it all the time, and I truly hope that I haven't built it up into something more than what it was, but I don't even know if that's possible. Whatever I found that day was real, but it's nothing that you would ever be able to really tell anyone about. It's not that this is coming out wrong exactly, but this just isn't doing it justice. You'd have to find it for yourself. I don't know for certain, but I feel that this could only be grasped properly through yoga. Disappointingly, I haven't been able to connect with it so directly again, but I'm very aware of it at times, inside and outside of class.

Well, that's my story! My yoga practice has definitely changed since this happened. I'll try to write again soon, but I think that's enough for now. Good night!

Yes, I'm still kicking.

Wow, I haven't written in my Bikram blog in almost three months! I did let extended periods of time slip by without going to class (I think the longest was two and a half weeks), but I still go fairly regularly. In fact, today I started my second 30 day challenge! Three cheers for discipline. I am really excited about maintaining a steady practice and not having to feel guilty about skipping class anymore, or at least for a month. I mean, I have been on and off and it's got to stop. My sister said we should just feel good about the fact that we still go to class after 7 months, even if it isn't as consistent as we'd like.

Anyway, for anyone that's just started and is dissatisfied with their flexibility, I've got some good news: just keep at it. It comes. Today was actually a breakthrough for me, as the top of my head grazed my mat in Standing Separate Leg Head-to-Knee for the VERY FIRST TIME! It actually freaked me out for some reason. I spoke to an instructor after class and he said I should start reaching for my heels instead of the sides of my feet from now on; for some reason, I've never attempted this. I should mention that I always had a lot of trouble with this pose and it took me ages to be able to lock out my knees - for a long time I couldn't even grab the sides of my feet. Meanwhile, my sister's head touched the ground months ago! I am just not flexible, so this is truly amazing. After I locked out my knees it was steady progress.

My strongest pose is probably Standing Bow, right side. Left side has improved immensely, but there is no question that I can go deeper and just feel more comfortable on the right. My body just likes this pose for some reason, which kind of surprises me. I was never able to do the full splits in any direction despite taking a bit of gymnastics as a child, so I know that I have limits in this posture, but I can see a lot of my leg coming up over the top of my head now--thigh, even--and on the best days my torso is almost parallel to the ground. Through practicing and listening carefully to the dialogue I discovered some pretty good tricks in this pose. Here they are:

1. Yes, you have got to actively kick. The entire time. Kick up. However, don't waste all your energy at the beginning- spread it evenly to create a nice hum.

2. Speaking of energy, I think that losing it is the number one reason people fall out of the pose early. If you rev your engine too high, you'll waste all your gas before you're finished your trip, so remember that hum. 60 seconds has never felt so long, so learn to conserve energy and relax wherever you can. ALL you're doing is kicking and stretching. Period. Otherwise, relax and focus.

3. Get that torso down. Pull as you go lower.

4. Grip higher on your ankle than you have been. Don't be touching your foot at all.

5. Use that last 5 or 10 seconds at the end wisely and go to your edge. Go beyond your edge. Believe me, it pays off!

6. FOCUS POINT! Find one. It's absolutely necessary for holding balance. I know because my balance is naturally the shits.


What else? Standing Head-to-Knee is still incredibly challenging, but I definitely lock my knees out for a period of time nowadays, especially the left knee. The right still wavers. Kicking out happens on both sides, and I've even begun to lower myself, but it's very tough and I do fall out all the time still. This is another pose (well, I guess this applies to all of them) where you must relax and focus for balance and stamina. Everything is resting on that knee.

Wow, when did Triangle get so bearable? I was reading over a few previous entries and it reminded me of how much I used to dread this pose. Not anymore. It's still tough but man, the way I felt about it before...I complained bitterly! Now that it doesn't burn me out completely I am working really hard on my form and stealing glances in the mirror when I can. I have a ways to go but it's coming along.

I still balk at spine-strengthening series during tougher classes. It's just so much damn effort! My legs do go up higher in Locust these days, thankfully, but I've got to say that it still takes a lot of effort for me to give it my all. I still slack sometimes. Must work on that.

Lots more to say but I should get to sleep so I can wake up early for class tomorrow (hehe). I do want to mention that in terms of flexibility, the third portion of Head-to-Knee is also among my most improved poses. My head is nowhere near my feet yet but I am also very far from where I started. No more pain. It's gone! Just pulling.

Good Class

Yesterday, I had a very good Bikram class, but I am sore as hell today for some reason. My ribs, my upper back, my hamstrings. Wow. Interesting, though, because I felt really flexible in class. Maybe I went a bit too far.

The only part of my body that is NOT bothering me, surprisingly, are my wonky knees. I can't figure this out because they give me all kinds of trouble and I had my thighs almost parallel to the floor in the second part of Awkward Pose yesterday thanks to the not-so-gentle encouraging of our instructor. The reason I have trouble in this pose is because of my knees, but I started to think yesterday that maybe it has developed into laziness and someone besides me figured that out first. However, with my body, if it's not one thing it's another.

After over four months of fairly steady practice, I still can't lock out my knees for any extended period of time (ie 60 seconds). My sister can. What am I doing wrong? I have the idea that I am not relaxing into the postures like I am supposed to and thus expending too much energy, making it so that I can't hold some of them for the required length of time. Exerting too much energy also interferes with balance, another key aspect of the yoga practice that I am struggling with. I know that all of this is quite normal and it would be a mistake for me to compare myself with anyone else, especially my own sister, but I always feel like I don't do as well as others in anything despite my most sincere efforts. This is just me being honest - it certainly isn't how I like to present myself to the public!

My flexibility is definitely improving, but it was at a pretty low level to begin with; also, it seems to waver. Some days I'm much more flexible than others. For instance, I know that today won't be a good day, I can just feel it.

Notably for yesterday, though: In Standing Separate Leg Stretching, I can grab the bottoms of my feet with ease, even upon widening my legs further in order to get my head closer to the ground. I honestly see my head on the ground in my future, and I didn't think that it would ever be possible before. In Standing Separate Leg Head-to-Knee, I can almost straighten out my front leg completely, especially if my hands are separated, and I can get the tip of my forehead onto my knee. I don't know if I mentioned it but I'd begun to die in this pose, I just couldn't handle holding it. Things are better now. Hmmm...what else? I actually got compliments in Tree and Camel of all poses, not sure why, but I can see that my Tree is better. Toe Stand is also much better, one of my most improved postures, but I can't seem to get up on first set. I just collapse out of the pose and stand up normally. One thing is for sure: by the time we hit Toe Stand, I'm ready for that 2 minutes of relaxation. I am so ready.

Spine-strengthening series is still tough, especially Locust. In the third part, it sometimes feels as though my legs are a centimetre above the ground. I know they're going higher, but it takes SO MUCH effort. Also, I've developed the tendency to want to separate my legs a bit. I know this is wrong. I'll stop! My instructor had to remind me to keep the tops of my feet on the ground in Cobra, which I've never heard anyone asked to do in the past. I don't think that I ordinarily lift my feet. I guess I'll have to watch for that.

Anyway, I really hope that I can get back on the track of attending class daily, as long as I'm in town.

You must master the physical before you can know the spiritual

I can't even believe that I wrote this month - I thought it had been even longer (though the last entry before that was exactly one month prior, so really, I'm averaging a post a month here).

I'm finding it so difficult to balance summer and a steady yoga practice that I'm almost yearning for summer to be over! Not really, of course, but this was a lot easier when it wasn't warm outside and the beach and patios and mini-holidays and endless other hot weather activities weren't calling out to me and distracting me so. Not helping matters is the fact that I was recently out of town for 9 days in a place where no Bikram studio exists. I drove out to the nearest one once but it was quite far and the drop-in rate is expensive, especially when I am paying for monthly unlimited at my own studio. However, I made a very interesting discovery while I was out of town:

Flow yoga.

I actually don't know if this is what it was technically called. I found a studio that caters to people at beginning levels, I suppose, or at least provides a place where people can continue to practice yoga while they are away from their own studios. (It's located in Point Roberts, a town that swells to three times its population during the summer months, so there were lots of vacationers in class.) I went for three classes at the studio: first a beginner's class, then a "level 3" class, and then a mixed-level class. The third was definitely my favourite. We went through a lot of different postures, but it felt more like a dance routine in parts than the yoga series I am used to. For instance, we would do a small sequence, and then repeat it again and again, but upon each repitition a new element was added, and when the sequence was complete we would do it a number of times more. Then we would start a new sequence, but some things would stay constant. It's hard to explain. The instructor, Desiree, called it a sun salutation, but it was quite different from the sun salutation that we were taught at my previous studio, and I thought that was quite standard. I'm quite sure she was making up the routines herself, and some of what we did didn't even feel like yoga, really. I don't know. We did a few postures that are included in the Bikram sequence, but they were different! In particular, Triangle and Tree poses were not the same at all, and much easier! Same with Spine-Twist. Everything was easier, to be honest.

I told Desiree that I did Bikram yoga quite regularly, and the first thing she was concerned about was that I was not used to doing vinyasas--in particular, Downward Dog. That's interesting because one of the first things I ever read about Bikram yoga was that the reason the sun salutation was never introduced to the series is because Bikram believes that Downward Dog is too difficult for beginners. I don't understand why it is any harder than anything else, though I don't doubt it. DD is painful for me in the hamstrings if I really go into it, and I'm never sure that I am doing it right. At my very first studio, I was often corrected while in Downward Dog and it always felt much more difficult in the "right position".

Anyway, I'm not going to say that any of the classes were a piece of cake, but it was a lot easier to get through than Bikram. Bikram is guaranteed to be a tough class, even when you have a good class. It can feel like an enormous commitment to get through the full 90 minutes. Even when I say to myself "You're in rough shape today, you're tired, you're sore, don't go too far into the postures, anything that you can manage is going to be fine, just take it easy", it is still quite the workout! I can't just "hang out". However, I do feel like I could get away with that in a Flow class. It was very peaceful and relaxing, and it felt good to go through a vinyasa and then relax in child's pose. None of the poses made me feel like I was about to die or, at the very least, keel over, and her manner and voice were so pleasant I could have gone to sleep to her gentle instructions. She played all this jingly music (think Krishna Das, Deva Premal, Buddha Bar kinda stuff) that put me in a terrific mood, and the doors were open so that we felt a natural breeze throughout the practice. It was warm and tranquil and friendly. I absolutely loved it.

However, it was no Bikram's Beginning Yoga Class.

It was just different. A lot of times, peoples' biggest complaint about BY is that it doesn't seem to encourage any spiritual growth and it can feel really clinical. Not all of the Bikram teachers seem very nice, and some of them can be quite pushy in class, which does not really feel the least bit relaxing or meditative. Some teachers mention the mental or spiritual aspect, but most of the time they focus on the physiological benefits of the yoga and encourage you to "work" hard. (I honestly couldn't see Desiree ever referring to yoga as "work".) The lights are on bright, and for the entire standing series all you can focus on is your red-faced, inflexible self in the mirror, trying (and failing) to pass for graceful. Also, you don't always find the friendliest people at the studio, and before and after class students and teachers alike can be found milling about, laughing, engaged in lengthy conversations that have nothing to do with yoga, talking on cell phones, etc. It irritates me at times. As I said in my other blog, when I began this, I was horrified when I walked into my studio for the first time. No candles. No jingle music. They had the radio on. It stunk.

Yeah.

Nonetheless, I wouldn't trade this stuff for anything. The practice is hands-down the most important thing that I do. It is more important than my impending career commencement. It's more important than my social life, which is weird for me, really weird. It's more important than going away for mini-vacations, even. I feel that I need it in my life more than anything except my loved ones.

However, if you want to get more out of the practice, it is really a do-it-yourself kind of deal. I was reading a pamphlet on a yoga workshop that is going to focus on getting the most out of each asana - the difference between mimicking a posture and really practicing a posture. Bingo! That's what I need to learn! I know about breathing, of course, and some level of focus is an absolute requirement or you'll never be able to hold the poses, but there must be a better headspace for the practice besides what I have got going on. I try to think "Bengal Tiger strength, English Bulldog determination", and it helps, but I feel like I'm missing something. Bikram says, "You must master the physical before you can know the spiritual", but I have recently come to the conclusion that I don't understand! When will that be?

For the time being, I might take a Flow (or other, who knows) class here and there, but nothing's going to replace Bikram just yet.

not actually so dedicated these days!

OMG. It's been exactly one month since I finished the Challenge and updated.

I have to be honest: it's summer, and I really dropped off for a while there. I have been dragging myself to class on the days that I actually attend. (I never regret class, mind you. I am always very relieved that I went and sure that the reluctance will not return the next day. It does, though.) Many times, I have dropped plans to go at the last minute, or, after mentally berating myself for laziness, forced myself out the door with three minutes to spare before class started after already commiting myself to a night off.

I think that one week I only attended class three times.

Oh. I guess that's not so bad.

I have been avoiding putting all of this into writing, to be honest. This is just a progress record for myself to look back on, and not my main blog or diary. I just thought it would be a fun way to spill about yoga in a forum erected strictly for that purpose instead of mucking up "Allergic to Life" with a subject that, quite frankly, does not hold lasting fascination for all that many people.

In addition, I decided to call this "Dedicated", and I'm not really worthy of the title if I spend all day dreading the moment when I'm going to have to decide whether or not I'm going to go to yoga. I can find any excuse to skip. I have reached a big bump in the road, so to speak.

Yoga means union between body and mind. This is easy to say as we know what a body is like and we use the word 'mind' as synonymous with 'brain'. Likewise, we know what a brain is like and its function in tandem with the body is not entirely a medical mystery. There are lots of different ways that brain and body can become disconnected, and we thought about this before we started to practice yoga. But what does it really mean? I think by the time I figure it, if such a blessed day will actually come for me, I will be passed the point of being able to blog about yoga!!

Regarding Teachers

Not sure if I am really qualified yet, having only been practicing for two and a half months, but I have become very opinionated about Bikram's teachers.

I like strict, honest, down-to-earth teachers. I had a great teacher about a week ago called Mack. He was tough and critical of typical student antics (depending on water and towel, not giving 100 %, sitting postures out, losing focus, etc.) and some people seem to be wary of him, but I thought he was really good. He whipped me into shape and I ended up giving way more effort than I had intended, as I had him on my second class of the day last Saturday, and I was pretty damn tired. He certainly didn't try to make best friends with anyone. He didn't say "try to do this" as teachers often tend to do, he said "do this". I liked that. Despite his gruff way about teaching, it was obvious that he understood our struggles very well and had everybody's best interest in mind. He anticipated student tendencies and explained exactly why we should avoid certain things, and he told us where he fell down as a beginner. I learned a lot that class.

I really dislike flakiness and passive-aggressiveness, generally and especially in class. Teachers need to find the balance between discipline and understanding. Sometimes a teacher will try so hard to come across as nice and understanding (as opposed to "too hard on the class"), and often that does a real disservice to everyone. Students need discipline! They shouldn't flutter around and be all "just try your best, whatever that may be" (although of course that is true, but it's open to interpretation) and then act all surprised when students are sucking back the water, sitting out postures and wiping sweat like crazy. Conversely, they shouldn't order people to get up if they're really feeling sick and lying down, or get strict all of a sudden, out of frustration, as I have also seen.

The teachers aren't there to be your best friend, they are there to take you from the beginning to the end of class so that you get as much benefit as possible. It's a hard job and it takes a lot of effort on their part - this is very obvious. But Bikram's teachers make a huge commitment to get where they are in terms of their own practice and the time and cost of the teacher training, so this isn't a half-assed sort of deal. Therefore, they should explore every avenue for self-improvement - the teacher makes a big difference in class. Maybe it's not like that with other yoga or for more advanced students, but most of the people in class are fairly green, and they need a solid instructor.

One last thought: some of the young women don't seem to have developed the confidence in themselves as people to direct the class completely efficiently. I guess these things come with time. It's just that it seems as though young women comprise a big percentage of teachers and teacher hopefuls, so they need to be good.

30 Day Challenge: Complete

That's right, I finished the challenge yesterday: thirty classes in thirty days!

Unfortunately, I missed a whopping four days (three were on a Sunday) and consequently had to complete four doubles, the last of which took place on Thursday. It was two classes straight. It was gruesome. The previous two, as I have mentioned, were split up so they weren't so bad, but the first one was also back-to-back. Yikes. Anyway, so although I am proud of myself, of course, I do feel as though I cheated a bit. Next challenge I commit to only one or two doubles. It's not quite the same if you don't go every day, I think.

I wanted to go out with a bang, but I was a mess on Saturday morning. Early morning classes, though they're supposed to be the best, are tough for me because I am so inflexible. I feel like I can't move and I'm frequently in pain. Even Pranayama series was rough. Not helping matters was the fact that I drank wine on Friday night and very little water after Friday evening class -dehydration!! In an attempt to right myself I guzzled down two electrolyte drink packets in my water bottle and did jumping jacks in the handicapped bathroom to warm up. I still ended up having a mediocre class, but floor series was okay. I sat out a couple poses during standing series due to fatigue, mainly. Second set Trikanasana, for instance, was oh you tee.

Teachers have been reminding us that with summer approaching (though you wouldn't know it here in rainy Van) we should increase our water consumption accordingly. I, on the other hand, seem to be going downhill in this department. I used to drink three litres of water a day when I first started (I was terrified of the nausea), but now I'm doing well if I drink a litre and a half. To be honest, I have walked into that class with barely 500 ml plus pop and coffee in me - not good.

The teachers also say that if you're not losing weight (that would be me), you have to cut your eating in half. Huh. In any case, I really want to make a commitment to eating healthier. I spent the weekend in Seattle and although I usually don't monitor my eating while I'm on vacation, (even minuscule vacations like a weekend in Seattle), this was ridiculous. McDonalds, chips, ice cream, (which I don't even like), chocolate, creamy pasta, pizza, pop, not to mention drinking. I need to gain some self-control. To be fair, I am toning up and I am feeling more comfortable with my body, but I still say that nothing works like starving yourself when it comes to losing weight. But that's not right and I know that. AND - it's very short-term. The changes I am making in my body are deep and long-term, and I can really feel that.

I was going to take a two-day break and I still might, but my sister is going to class tomorrow and I will probably want to as well. We'll see. It will be nice to take it easy some days and not go to class if I really don't feel up to it, and the 30 day challenge really interfered with my social life. I am so glad I did it, and I feel a little sad that I won't be able to put a smiley sticker up after every class and get encouragement from people around the studio. Oh well. Officially the challenge is still on (as I started early), so I'll have to serve as motivation for the others.

A quick thought:

Some people in class are damn lazy. What's the point? Unless I'm in seriously rough shape that class (ie tired, hung over), I always ask myself if I am honestly trying my best, and if the answer is no, I shape up.